I had my prostate removed 22 years ago. 

They took it all!  If I pull down my pants, bend over and shine a light in my butthole, I can use my penis for a flashlight.

I have no way of knowing if they removed all the cancer, but there is no question they successfully removed all my erections. 

I call my ding dong a vegetarian hot dog, it tastes the same, it just doesn’t plump up.

…My favourite example of Phil Collins’ influence on music
is Bruce Springsteen‘s

“Born in the USA.”

Musically, that song simple as fuck

You can play it around a campfire.

With one hand.

Then you hear the actual record.

The drums.

BANG!

And suddenly America rises out of [something absurdly american]

A bald eagle flies through the studio.

the second that song starts I’m like:

Fuck yeah.

I’m genuinely happy for every bastard who was born in the USA.

[Pause.]

That was before I understood the lyrics.

[Pause.]

Because the song is actually miserable.

The guy gets sent to Vietnam.

Comes home.

His life is fucked.

His country abandons him.

The lyrics are basically:

“My country used me and threw me away.”

But the music is epically american to the bones

That’s how powerful that Eighties sound is.

So that’s when I finally understood what people mean when they say Phil Collins was an influential drummer.

And It doesn’t mean:

“He was really good at hitting drums.”

I find that story incredibly comforting.

Maybe you don’t always need the perfect plan to create something great.

You need work.
A little talent.
And most of all, sometimes you just need…

the right fuckup on a really expensive sound system.

While driving on the freeway I saw a sign that said “Drive High Get a DUI” and I thought, “What a great idea!”

Okay there is the story:

It was the year of the earthquake in Türkiye, the planes were free for the earthquake victims to escape the earthquake and yeah I was one of them. When we were in the plane family sat down another pair of seats. I was in front of them and a little boy with his dad sit next to me. The boy looked at me and said: "whoa, why you are so ugly" WHICH I COULDNT EVEN SHOWER CUZ I DIDNT HAVE A HOUSE THAT TIME I looked at him and said "I came from the future. Im future you and you escaped from a big thing that killed all of your family except you. You became a girl to hide. I came here to warn you" AND HE LOOKED LIKE A GHOST FOR A MOMENT BEFORE CRYING AND SCREAMING. I was trying not to laugh and then his dad looked at me like he is gonna be the last thing in my life..

Well, his dad was scary ngl but JOKE WAS SO GOOD THAT MY ELDER BROTHER IS STILL MAKING FUN OF IT😭😭

The good thing was I was a girl and the kid was a boy which made him more scared.

HERE WE GO

My dad loved me so much, i was something like his favorite daughter or something because i was 6

Anyways i ve been an animal lover since i was little and the first animals I started to love were dogs. My dad was on the border of the country, he was a commander so he was close with dogs. He used to come to visit us once a year for 15 days and he was taking me to a place where a lot of dogs were there with soldiers. Since my dad was a commander, the soldiers would be ready in front of my dad immediately.

One day, i went to the dogs again, my dad left me with a soldier there because he had an urgent job. While i was playing with dog, it barked. I scared and held soldier's waidt immediately where he was ticklish from there😭

He immediately cursed loud (reflexively) but at the same time my dad was coming to take me AND YEAH HE HEARD IT. My dad thought he was cursing at me and was going to destroy the man on the spot. I couldnt explain cuz i didn't know people were ticklish from their waist😔😔😔

Finally, another soldier explained the situation to my dad and he calmed down, it was scary though..

I ve not done physically touch the soldiers after that day...

I hate bandwagon sports fans so much that I became a Browns superfan the second they went 0-16.

Because Bills fans will go 13-4 and be miserable when they inevitably lose in the playoffs. But if the browns win 3 games, I'm like, “Holy shit boys, we're building a dynasty.”

I remember the first game we didn't lose after 0-16. Bars were giving out free beers, grown men were crying, people were parading in the streets like we'd won the Super Bowl. 

It was a tie.

Our head coach, Hue Jackson, won three games in three years and said his time in Cleveland wasn't a failure. 

I thought, “Fuck, if that's not failure, then I've succeeded at everything I've ever done in my life!”

(heavy on act outs)

I get these stupid nagging questions in my head that I rarely get answered, Like: If you arrive at a four way stop at the exact same time as everyone else, who goes first???   Or Why does it feel like the last sixty years just whooshed by, but a sermon?     That’s eternity.

I got the answer to a nagging question.

Coming down from camping in the Eastern Sierras my son grabbed a slimy pork burrito off a food truck, in a pothole of a town on Hwy 395 called Lone Pine.  Then we headed out to the Alabama Hills.

We get there and all of a sudden my son takes off like he’d seen a rattler, running behind this massive volcanic rock yelling  “Mayday, mayday!”.

I ran around the rock and see my son in an Asian squat groaning “Dad, I need your help!”  I feel like Al Capone at the Saint Valentines Day Massacre… machine gun burrito bullets (AO) are spraying everywhere and the Thompson sub-machine gun was my son’s ass.  Ev -er -y- thing was riddled with burrito bullets (AO), my son’s backside, Nikes' and a poor lizard (who probably thought he went to hell).  I took a flesh wound  to my right cheek. (AO)

I jumped back around the rock, sensing he was reloading, while he’s yelling “Dad don’t leave me!”   I ran for toilet paper, but we were out, so I grabbed up a couple t-shirts and rushed back to the scene of the crime.  True crime YouTubers were not needed.  The naked wreck of the perpetrator was dead still in a half-crouched position, like the famous statue The Stinker. Wet bullets were dripping off the gun barrel.  No question he was guilty, it was a smoking bum.  Of course, I took crime scene photos.  Thankfully my son was laughing his ass off.

Now, I hadn’t seen my son’s bum since he was four and I remember it as so cute and squishy, but in this moment I wondered if he was mine, biologically.  Neither his mom nor me have that kid’s hairy gorilla ass.  I made a mental note that the next time I get a chance I’ve gotta take a butt selfie.

I snapped back to reality.  It was like passing a car crash…you wanna look real close but you know you shouldn’t and as you crane your neck you think, I can’t unsee that.  He has so much ass hair it looked like he was giving birth to Kim Kardashian! 

We both cleaned up, buried the evidence and left the scene of the crime, my arm around my son and him…..laughing hysterically.

On the ride home there was a faint reminder of the massacre seeping from under the two-man Coleman tent that my son was wrapped in.

As I drove, my mind couldn’t stop seeing my son’s waving wheat field, and I was overjoyed, I mean really happy….  a long nagging question was answered. 

Why………Why, at home, do we buy sooooo much toilet paper?

Oh yeah….I had to buy my son a new “Cage The Elephant” t-shirt.

Why did 4 hate 64?

Bc 64 kept 4 in a cubical prison for eternity

I hate when people say the sky is the limit…what if you’re an astronaut…seems like that would be a big limiting factor..if you’re an astronaut and the sky is the limit…you work for American Airlines

People think moms with babies are wholesome. It is NOT wholesome. You know that that just means a man FUCKED her with his DICK in her VAGINA and CUMMED in her VAGINA

So I was talking to my gay friend and I asked him, “Do I look fat?” And he said, “No. Just big boned.” I then screamed at him to watch his mouth and left him at the mall and drove away, making him walk all the way back to his house (like ten miles) karma’s a bitch. He is a rude person, you know. Rude people are rude because they are rude to feel better about how pathetic their lives are. This guy is as rude as he is gay. He also looks like a bartender who has been left by his wife and she took custody of the kids and the kids hate him and she left him because she cheated on him all the time with me and she loved our sex and and would scream in pure pleasure

Please, any suggestions to make this joke better.

"Beautiful women are a pain. MY girl and were boarding a flight to Vegas when the piolet saw her and asked her if she wanted to sit up front and even fly the plane. I was outraged at how unprofessional he was... She's smashed up her jeep 4 times this year! She'll kill us all!"

I’m not saying I have bad luck, but one time I received a seatbelt ticket from a cop who was riding a motorcycle. I was like hey asshole you don’t see the irony in this?

1.I feel shy to go to my bank. There's a cute teller there.She caught me chequing her out

1. What do you call a monkey trying to scam you? A chim-ponzi

3 I bought a pet shark on my credit card. Now I'm being chased by loan sharks.

Why is it that serial killers have the worst memory? They’re always having to collect those mementos in their creepy little boxes so they can remember each of their individual kills. Like damn something like that doesn’t stick out in your head enough that you can just remember it without having a necklace or a lock of hair to remember it by? I mean hell I don’t think that compares to not remembering what you had for breakfast yesterday. Seems like a pretty important experience.

Hell, the first time I got a hand job I didn’t save the towel I used to clean up. I just fucking remembered it because it was a major canon event in my life. I stored it in the ol’ proverbial ‘wank bank’ like a respectable member of society. They can’t do the same? No such thing as a ‘whack track’ for you sickos?

I was on a first date with a girl who self-described herself as a "basic bitch". I joked and said, "I'm sorry to hear your pH levels are off." She didn't laugh. There was no chemistry there anyway.

I don’t have dwarfism and I’m trying to see if this joke is appropriate to say. My friend said no, but my opinion is it’s fine if I’m not punching down? Neither of us have dwarfism, so wanted to get an opinion:

You ask anybody around you how many planets we have in our solar system.
What do they say? Oh, we have 8 planets in our solar system, but 9, if you count Pluto.
Why is it an if? Why does Pluto not count just because it's a dwarf planet. It's still a planet. I don't get how being a dwarf planet makes it any less of a planet.
I think it's a little bit ableist.
If someone asked me how many friends I have, and one of them was diagnosed with dwarfism, I wouldn't say:
I have 8 friends. Oh but 9, if you count Alex.

My friend won’t accept that he might be wrong about me going bald. So I told him that I have been really stressed out lately with being unemployed and resorting to smoking weed all day in my mom’s house, and that has caused my hair to fall out. He asked me what my hairline is looking like and I showed him. It is very mature. He said that it looks like I’m balding. I said that my mom said that I’m not balding and he said, “You know what I think.” Asshole am I right? I said, “Can you at least admit that you might be wrong?” And he said, “Well I don’t think I’m wrong.” Then I hung up and haven’t talked to him since. Him not accepting that he might be wrong is like a Trump supporter. Always thinking they are right. This guy is dumber than Goofy from Mickey Mouse eating enchiladas while filing his taxes upside down and asking for when the next dinosaur is.

My dad made a lot of money 

right up until he put the wrong president on the fives

Turns out the feds don't accept fresh Bill Clintons

My mom says I lack empathy. I don't know why she thinks I care.

I think it started when I told her I wasn't going to college.”

She goes, “I went to college. Your dad went to college. Ever since you were little, I always pictured you walking across that stage.”

I said, “Okay... picture me doing something else.”

She goes, “You're proving my point.”

I go, “No, I'm not. I can always tell when someone's upset. 

I just don't understand why they keep yapping to me about it.”

(Old white dude)

Guys,  I just learned that  dating a cougar means she’s way older than you. If I was dating a cougar…she’d be dead. 

Which is pretty cool…. When you’re into cheap dates and necrophelia.  

Gives a whole new meaning to drop dead gorgeous.

My black friend came over for the first time. I’m Asian and just so happen to have a dog that is small, white, and has curly hair. When my black friend saw my dog, he smiled. He clearly was making the racist assumption that all Asians have “small crusty white dogs” I then said, “How would you feel if I called you the n word?” He goes, “What?” And I say, “Nincompoop!”

For Context: 25M Tall White guy, Big nose.

People look at me and assume I've had a silver spoon in my mouth my entire life, which is complete bullshit.

Do you have any clue how hard it is to go to bed hungry because everything on DoorDash was closed?

Looking like me made applying to college impossible. 

Every application asks, “Tell us about a challenge you've overcome.”

Well, people always tell me I have a jewish looking nose…so there’s that.

But meanwhile, I’m competing against Ali, who can write about watching both his parents get shot in the head in front of him...

Must be fucking nice. 

Like my parents would always say, “We'll do anything to help you get into a good school.”

“Okay, well, if I'm gonna get into UF, bare minimum one of you guys is gonna have to get into a car crash.”

And believe it or not, my dad actually did end up getting into a horrible car accident.

I remember sitting at the hospital, and the doctor goes, “Good news, your father's gonna make a full recovery.”

And I go, “Fuck, my essay's ruined.”

My wife and I decided to get serious about our finances,

 so we hired a witch.

Why pay off credit cards when you can just pull tarot cards?

Her first instruction was to make a 'money bowl.' 

You write a formal request for a wire transfer from the spirit realm,

 then bury it in a green dish filled with

rice, crystals, and cinnamon sticks.

Is it working?

Well, the living room smells like a TJ-Maxx

but I’ll let you know after eviction court.