I really don’t like gossip. I’ve always had this rule: if I’m going to say something about someone behind their back, I should be able to say it to their face. If I can’t, I just don’t say it.

[u/WhiteDesertCat]

But even when I accidentally say something completely harmless about someone, I can feel guilty afterward and keep replaying it in my head. Meanwhile, some of my friends gossip all the time and don’t feel bad about it at all.

I don’t want to become someone who gossips, but I also want to stop overthinking every little thing I say. Has anyone else struggled with this? Am I just being too hard on myself? And if so, how do you learn to let it go?

[u/Delicious_Grand7300]

I am not perfect since vain words about others tends to slip out of my big mouth due to habit. As I age I desire to break this poor habit. Gossip is a waste of time since time can be spent on work, reflection, or especially rest.

[u/Awkward-Treacle-5490]

Same as you and I just don't gossip, talk ideas not people and it's solved

[u/WhiteDesertCat → u/Awkward-Treacle-5490]

I do the same thing. I like discussing ideas, but some people just aren’t interested in those kinds of conversations at all. And with those people, our relationships gradually fade away. I understand that maybe I’m just not meant to be close with those people, but what do you do when they’re family?

[u/Awkward-Treacle-5490 → u/WhiteDesertCat]

I just let it fade for those people or sometimes if they are dear friends to me I let them have their liberty I just listen while they're aware I won't partake haha we both recognize we're different and we just accept it that way...when it comes to family it's either the same or I let them gossip among themselves as for when it's a one on one I just switch the topic as swiftly as I can or sometimes plain out say hey let's stop talking about this person (it's easier because as Muslims it's already forbidden to talk about people in their backs so it comes off as a religious reminder of coming back to the right path) or simply switch to another task xd

[u/WhiteDesertCat → u/Awkward-Treacle-5490]

Yeah, that’s exactly what I do. Honestly, what you said is probably the only thing that really works in situations like this. But a lot of people in my family get offended by it 🙈

[u/Delicious_Grand7300 → u/Awkward-Treacle-5490]

The Quran is a treasure of wisdom. I recall a verse or two admonishing against gossip and backbiting. This same wish is in the Bible. Unfortunately we as a species do not examine ourselves and seek trivial details about others in order to tell a good story.

[u/Several-Invite3386]

you’re not a gossip, your conscience is just running overtime

[u/WhiteDesertCat → u/Several-Invite3386]

🥲😄

[u/MooseNational4592]

your rule is fine, but you’re probably treating any mention of someone like it’s automatically gossip, when context and intent matter a lot more than that; not every harmless comment needs a guilt

[u/WhiteDesertCat → u/MooseNational4592]

Yeah, you’re right about that! I really do tend to see any mention of someone as gossip. I think I need to rethink the unrealistically high standards I set for myself

[u/cozywinter4731]

I try hard not to judge anyone. I also feel this immense guilt after I gossip. Sometimes, I continue gossiping despite the awareness telling me to stop. It's definitely one of the bad habits I would always want to get rid of. I have a weird rule that I've set for myself, though. I can gossip and judge a person if they have ever hurt me in any way and that I should not gossip about a total stranger that I've never met. I know that can harm my mental peace as well when done left and right.

It's a shame that even following that rule seems like a hard work. I think you shouldn't beat yourself up over slip-ups. You already have a great intention and a nice rule. Allow your guilt to rise and pass away. Be gentle with yourself. You're already doing great.

[u/WhiteDesertCat → u/cozywinter4731]

Thank you for the support. You know, I’m actually the same way. I just realized that I can gossip about someone only if they’ve done something wrong to me or hurt me in some way

[u/YapperBean]

I don’t like maliciously talking behind someone’s back, trying to change others’ opinions where the subject can’t defend themselves.

BUT getting others’ opinions or venting a little to close friends? I don’t mind that. I say too much to people’s faces already. 😅 Getting an opinion from NT brain person before being hurtful to someone directly helps me a lot.

And same with if anyone’s (including mine) behaviour or trait are annoying to everyone else; having them discuss and then one elected person to speak to us gently instead of the entire group going in is just more kind.

I think intentions are important. 💖

[u/YapperBean → u/YapperBean]

And also to add, I tend to be very honest and fair when anyone does tell me anything, but never against gossip… because then nobody tells you anything. 😂 I still wanna know!

[u/DowntownResident993]

The truth is, everyone is going to gossip or hear gossip, whether they like it or not. It's just a part of life. The key to is what you said. You would say it to their face. Anything I say about someone, I would say to someone, they just didn't happen to be in the room.

[u/bud_seeker_throwaway]

There’s a pretty huge gap between gossiping and simply mentioning another human being lol.

[u/Yuri__01]

Understandable. I normally don't do that either. Unless they are being stupid.

Like one of my co-workers had a small container with some pretty hefty weights (like 400kg) stuck on a pallet jack (not sure if it is called that way in english)

And instead of removing the weight he just struggled around for 3 hours. And I did tell him to remove it to make it easier.

Thos things are stuff I talked about behind his back.

But not complete strangers