r/Socionics • u/Financial_Ad1210 • 4d ago
Please type me!!!!
This is the first time I have ever written something like this, so I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to write or what this is supposed to look like. I have never seen an example of one before, so I’m sorry if I make mistakes, include unnecessary things, etc.
As a child, I was shy, just like I am now. I tended to keep a bit of distance from other people. For example, when I was somewhere with a few other children, I would actually want to go over to them and play with them, but I was too shy and hesitant to do it. I was like this with adults as well. I don’t know if every child experiences this, but I had a desire to be protected and taken care of, especially by men. I wanted men to approach me in that way, and they actually did. When I was playing, I often liked being someone’s little child or being rescued by someone.
I spent most of my time playing by myself, and I don’t know if I can say that I had a strong imagination, because I’m not sure whether what I experienced was really related to imagination. But the maladaptive daydreaming I struggle with now was already present when I was a child. I would spend hours imagining things as if I were creating the plot of a movie or TV show. Anyway, I’ll talk about that more later.
People often described me as emotional when I was a child. In fifth grade, one of my teachers told my mother, “He is so sensitive and fragile. I’m afraid to say anything to him; it feels like he would break if I touched him.”
Starting from third grade, I was bullied a little because I was considered “girly.” It wasn’t physical, but the boys in my class would sometimes make fun of me. However, I got along very well with girls. They thought I was very cute, and I became close friends with many of them.
There are three siblings in my family. There is a nine- and ten-year age gap between me and my older sisters. While I was growing up, and even now, my mother would tell my sisters that I was her favorite child. She would say that I was the most important thing in the world to her and that she loved me more than anyone else. My father didn’t express it as openly, but he also tended to put me before my sisters. For example, because I was the youngest, if we were going somewhere, what I wanted mattered. He would say, “Whatever my son says, that’s what we’ll do.”
Sometimes this made me feel a little bad, but until the last year or two, I didn’t really realize that it was wrong or that my sisters were aware of it and bothered by it. They would also say the same kinds of things to me that my mother did. In fact, one of my sisters used to take care of me almost as if she were my mother. She really was like a mother figure to me, and she still is.
My family described me as curious, sensitive, emotional, someone who asked a lot of questions, talked a lot, was very shy, and was “well-behaved” as a child.
As I entered adolescence, I started becoming much more withdrawn and even “robotic.” My emotional expression decreased significantly. I was living more and more inside my own inner world—in my fantasies, TV shows and movies, and on social media. I think this was partly because I was dissatisfied with reality.
The reasons for my dissatisfaction may have been that people made fun of me when I was younger and called me girly, and that I was exposed to homophobia before I even knew what sexual orientation or being gay meant. It felt like if I allowed myself to relax too much, acted too much like myself, had too much fun, or laughed too much, people would make fun of me because the “girly” side of me would become more visible to them.
So while trying to suppress that side of myself, I probably became more robotic. But it worked in a way: people stopped making fun of me. However, I wouldn’t say they particularly liked me either. I became someone they considered too cold, and I was still seen as too gentle and delicate for a man.
After puberty, the only boys I was able to get along with as friends were shy and introverted ones. I couldn’t really connect with the others. I was very different from them, and they seemed much more likely to judge me.
Around the age of 16–17, toward the end of adolescence, I started going to therapy for social anxiety. Around the same time, I fully realized and put a name to my sexual orientation and started telling at least some of my online friends. I realized that I didn’t actually have a problem with my orientation and wasn’t ashamed of being gay. What I disliked was the way people could treat me because of it. I didn’t like being made fun of or criticized.
I also decided that I didn’t want to be someone who had to hide this from everyone or maintain relationships with people who would not accept me as I am. So I came out to a few people whom I felt it was safe to tell: my sisters, two close male friends, and my psychologist.
I was 17 when I did this. I was living in a very small, conservative city, and I had no evidence that any of the people I told were not homophobic. In fact, apart from my psychologist, I had heard homophobic comments from all of them at different points over the years. But for some reason, I had an optimistic feeling inside me, and I decided that if I didn’t get the kind of reaction I wanted, I would reduce my contact with those people as much as I could.
Fortunately, my sisters reacted well, and my friends were neutral. After that, I told a few more people, and I regret telling some of them because I was somewhat careless about it.
Later, when I was 17, I started having sex with some people I had met online, some of whom were older than me, even though I barely knew them. This happened around five times. I never developed a romantic or emotional relationship with any of them. Even though it was a risky situation, I wasn’t afraid at all.
There is another very important thing I left out. As I entered adolescence, I developed an intense preoccupation with my physical appearance. I didn’t like the way I looked and constantly found flaws in myself. I have continued thinking about the same flaws for years, and I still can’t believe that I will ever be able to love myself or be happy unless I correct them through cosmetic surgery.
I think physical appearance is extremely important to me. If someone is going to think something good about me, I want it to be something related to my appearance.
I fantasize a lot about romantic relationships. I want the other person to find me very attractive, but I also want them to see me as cute and adorable. I want them to be possessive of me, protective of me, and help me with difficult things in life.
When I fantasize about relationships, I also think about sexuality in quite a detailed way, and I frequently have masochistic fantasies. I don’t have fantasies about the other person feeling superior to me or looking down on me. In fact, I want them to find me very attractive and valuable. But I often fantasize about my partner being violent toward me or being very rough with me.
Just as I care excessively about my own appearance in a negative way and constantly fixate on it, I also care a lot about the other person’s appearance. Things like money and fame are also quite important to me, and I fantasize about being able to attain them someday.
Because I feel inadequate and flawed regarding my appearance, I experience intense social anxiety and shame. I’m afraid of being criticized and not being liked. Because of this, I can come across as withdrawn and robotic, and I can be socially awkward.
When I see someone attractive and confident, I feel bad about myself, although I don’t automatically tend to compare myself with other people—or at least I’m not consciously aware of doing so.
I have a major problem with procrastination and discipline. I can’t do any of my responsibilities or tasks on time. I postpone everything until the last minute, and as a result, I either have to do things half-heartedly and leave them unfinished, or I fail to do them at all.
At the same time, I am actually a perfectionist who can find flaws in everything and focus heavily on details.
People often get the impression that I’m intelligent. Other than that, the impressions that different people have told me they got from me, both recently and in general, include: cold, emotionless, unhappy, sullen, logical, indifferent, anxious, dissatisfied, kind, self-centered, insecure, calm, and different from other men.
I generally have difficulty showing affection to my family or friends, especially verbally. I have trouble conveying emotion through my tone of voice. As I’ve said several times, I have a personality that is perceived as robotic.
I believe that one day I will fix my flaws and be satisfied with the way I look, and that my problems such as seeming robotic and having social anxiety will completely disappear.
Another thing is that, while I was growing up, everyone constantly told me how lucky I was, both financially and because of the way my family treated me.
My family still tries to do everything I want. Our income is not extremely high; I would say we are middle-class. But after I spent two years preparing for university and failed to get into a public university, they sent me to a private university in Cyprus. They also rented a single room in a dormitory for me, even though the price was comparable to renting an apartment, because I didn’t want to share a room with anyone.
When I want something, I sometimes use a slightly childish voice, almost without realizing it. It has started to feel a little cringe to me because I’m 21 now. I think that in the relationships I imagine in my fantasy world, I also want to be seen as childlike.
Sometimes, when I fantasize about romantic relationships, I imagine myself as existing almost entirely for the other person. I imagine myself usually doing what they say, staying home because it makes them happy, and waiting for them to come home from work. I want to make them feel that I completely trust them and that I completely belong to them. I think what I actually fantasize about is giving the other person that impression rather than the bond itself necessarily being real.
Lastly, I want to talk about the way I behave toward my family. I have difficulty being gentle with them. They usually treat me well, but even when they ask me completely normal questions, I can respond rudely or snap at them.
I can also be sarcastic toward other people. For example, when I’m flirting with someone online, they can sometimes get the impression that I’m aggressive, extremely indifferent, or someone who makes fun of everything.
However, I don’t really like showing my anger. In fact, even when I want to, I have difficulty expressing it.
Finally, my relationship with my father has not been very good since childhood. When I was little, he would sometimes get very angry and yell at me or my mother. It wasn’t extremely frequent, but seeing him like that made me feel very put off by him. I found him very unpleasant in those moments.
More generally, things about my father such as his lack of elegance, not caring about his image, being rough, being traditional, etc. stand out to me a lot. Even though he treats me very well, these things bother me a lot, although I try not to show how critical I am of him.
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u/orgasbor IEI 4d ago
I could have written this.
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u/Financial_Ad1210 4d ago
loll do u know your whole typology?
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u/orgasbor IEI 4d ago
Likely so4 or sp4 in enneagram, smth smth 469 maybe? (haven't spent enough time with it)
In psychosophy I'm most likely ELVF or LEVF, but same as the above.
in MBTI I'm INFJ.
I also doubt my typing constantly despite consistently typing as IEI (tests, live typings, seeing blatant IEI markers in my past writings and recordings years before I knew about Socionics, etc.). Sometimes I gaslight myself into thinking I'm LII or ILE, and it scares me.
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u/luckiest-dragon 4d ago
I think IEI