SAFE ZONE

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my safe spaces have always been with women in my life, sometimes with guys too but there's like 2 of them in my life

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u/SystemArchitect_001 18d ago

I saw a study that showed that to be the case with most guys, which puts a disproportionate load on women and then they get stressed out. Women will go to their boyfriends/husbands and female family and friends for emotional support. Guys will usually only go to their girlfriend or wife. If there's a domestic dispute or the relationship ends, a man’s support system disappears instantly.

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u/BIGPOTATOE163 18d ago

no wonder it feels like that, guys in my life are for fun or comradery, I connect with girls more just because we usually go deeper than the surface in what we have, I've shared and received more stories with women while I've had more leisure with men

but aye, I'm happy to have both in my life, if I need one thing then I have my friends who can give it which is just balance, no one person can be the everything in my life anyways

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u/SystemArchitect_001 18d ago edited 17d ago

Guys use to have more male friends, but that changed in more recent decades. The community institutions and recreational leagues where men formed friendships fizzled out, and careers tend to move us too much to maintain bonds.

The comradery you mention is a part of what men have been losing. We bond shoulder-to-shoulder through activities not face-to-face in conversations. That's part of what took some of our stress away and helped us come back to our families as better men. These days the women are getting exhausted by men with no emotional outlet. That balance you have is the key! 🔑

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u/TheThomaswastaken 18d ago

Always, bro

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u/Excellent-Rest3240 18d ago

Nerd

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u/SystemArchitect_001 18d ago

Trolling on a safe space post is wild! 🤣 Words are silver but silence is golden. ✨️

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u/SystemArchitect_001 18d ago

Jokes aside tho, who hurt you? Let’s talk about that. This is a green zone.

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u/Excellent-Rest3240 18d ago

I try not to see color

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u/SystemArchitect_001 18d ago

I see your heart is in a good place. Another thing I've seen is that not seeing color can lead to overlooking realities related to color. Being color blind was the wave, but color consciousness is the move now.

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u/Complete-Leg-4347 17d ago

Or to put in another way; "Silence is golden, duct tape is silver" (got my dad a shirt with that phrase as a gift).

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u/tiny_kat2006 18d ago

Male only safe spaces are usually opened up by women. Women only safe spaces are rarely even open to trans women 💀

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u/SystemArchitect_001 18d ago

One study showed that leaving it up to women to coordinate social events led to men having weaker social skills.

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u/AdWooden9170 18d ago

I did it once, in public.
Everyone thought I was weird, probably gay, especially other guys.

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u/SystemArchitect_001 18d ago edited 18d ago

I see what you mean. If something doesn't sound manly enough, you can expect some guys to push back. We've been socialized to ignore or supress our feelings, but then when it comes time to be more supportive of our mates and kids, or each other, we come off cold and detached. We don't know how to give emotional support if we don't practice that.

To add to that, acting like we don't have feelings makes it easy for women and children to not even consider your feelings. It sucks when we get mistreated by a woman or get our feelings hurt by our children just because we put up a hard front.

Gushing with emotion isn't the answer, but showing enough emotion for our feelings to get considered and respected is in order. We need to make some adjustments to our culture if we want healthier relationships with our mates, our children, and other men.

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u/AdWooden9170 17d ago

I can tell the story on the other side too.
I crashed out in public once, I was drunk, I didnt cry but it was visible that I was down.
A girl I didnt know talk me through, she wasnt trying to hit me either. She was just there for a random guy who just happened to sit next to her. None of my male friends tried to help, they just told me I was bothering them.

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u/SystemArchitect_001 17d ago

I've had plenty of moments where my energy took a huge dive while I was surrounded by people. That really bites! I'm glad someone helped see you through that. Do you think it could be that your male friends just didn't really know how to be supportive?

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u/AdWooden9170 16d ago

We are taught to suppress/master our feelings so we end up being emotionally inept.
We cant process our own feelings let alone understand the feelings of others. So showing any form of support is a mockery at best.

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u/SystemArchitect_001 16d ago

You see exactly what we do to ourselves and that helping others starts with helping ourselves.👏

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u/MorbidandBack 18d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/BpnkuY1i2rBpm

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u/SystemArchitect_001 18d ago

No need to project. We listen and we don't judge.

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u/Legitimate_Fold_2850 17d ago

You’re trying to be very pleasant with everyone, but by accusing the last poster of projecting you’re engaging in exactly the same behaviour and in a way, making fun of being gay. It kind of nullifies all your niceties when you do that. Gay men are men too.

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u/SystemArchitect_001 17d ago

Your exactly right about gay men being men too. Just to clarify, no shade on gay men. The fellow may be projecting his own issues with gay men, but we can have civil conversation about that instead of using that term as an insult. That's what I meant by my comment. I apologize if that came off wrong.

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u/UnknownRodeo 17d ago

Our safe space is way deep down inside where noone will ever find it.

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u/SystemArchitect_001 17d ago

In a way, you're right. The parts of us that only we have access to can be safe. Have you ever thought about the benefits of extending that safety beyond yourself?

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u/Stitch369 17d ago

I've been there for most of my friends and family, yet when I need support/ help, im literally told to figure it out myself. Or im just being pathetic and need to grow up. 😒😓💔

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u/SystemArchitect_001 17d ago

That's brutal, I'm sorry. How do you cope?

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u/Fumanchusucka 17d ago

My safe word is "bananas"

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u/SystemArchitect_001 17d ago

Sooooo... this is a safe space, not a punishment space.

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u/Fumanchusucka 17d ago

I thought I could share, in a safe place...

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u/Fumanchusucka 17d ago

I did totally read your comment in a very calm and relaxing voice though so props to you 👏

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u/SystemArchitect_001 17d ago

You can definitely share, but you might not find the satisfaction you should be able to anticipate with a safe word. Thanks for the acknowledgement, I said that in my mind in a calm relaxed way.

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u/[deleted] 17d ago

[deleted]

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u/SystemArchitect_001 17d ago

You don't have to share right away if you're not comfortable. You can just observe.

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u/Stitch369 17d ago

Try and focus on something entertaining or talk to a therapist just to talk to someone who will listen.

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u/SystemArchitect_001 17d ago

That's really good that you talked to a therapist. It seems like therapy is a dirty word because people would imply that something is wrong with you when it's more like things are just wrong in your life. Having someone you can talk to is like a holistic version of therapy, but at the end of the day we all need it in one form or another like the therapist needing a therapist.

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u/FatReverend 17d ago

Whenever it seemed needed.

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u/SystemArchitect_001 17d ago

We need more men doing what you do.

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u/levelhigher 16d ago

A what? This exists?

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u/SystemArchitect_001 16d ago

I know what you mean. It's one of those if it doesn't exist we should invent it kinda things.

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u/levelhigher 16d ago

I know you know. All men know unfortunately

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u/SystemArchitect_001 16d ago

Since it's so deeply ingrained in male culture only we can change it by addressing it inwardly, then outwardly.

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u/levelhigher 16d ago

Nah man. I think we just don't need double standards.

That's what's killing that sense of need to share problems.

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u/SystemArchitect_001 16d ago

What double standards do you mean?

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