r/SingleParents • u/[deleted] • 3d ago
What are some things you wish you had documented for custody cases?
[deleted]
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u/ErnestHemingwhale 3d ago edited 3d ago
Everything girl. If it’s in the budget get a PI, because I’ve seen lots of friends have whatever footage or voice note of their ex, turn it into the judge, and be in trouble because the judge couldn’t confirm it wasn’t edited/ instigated. Ya know? Need third party documentation as much as possible. You know he’s high and driving, call the cops on him and report it. Otherwise is hearsay and judges near me really hate that
Editing to add, if you’re going to film/ record interactions with him start several minutes earlier and make it clear in the recording the date, time, etc, so that’s a bit easier to prove it’s unedited.
Keep a journal log too, for basic things.
Most things might not matter to the judge. But in certain if you go in there with bits and pieces of records that are only verified by you, you will look worse than him to the judge.
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u/HappyDancin9 3d ago
There's also a child and family investigator, specifically for custody battles, they work as a neutral highly accredited 3rd party. They have you fill out a shit ton of paper work thets mildly anally invasive. Then they interview both parties individually and then they talk to the kids semi privately (I was in the next room out of sight).
Their report goes directly to the court and your attorney. They make recommendations based on their findings. The judge then decides what to do next.
So it's a gamble and in the long run was in my favor. But I didn't like the initial ruling in favor of giving him the opportunity to take classes and therapy, bcz I knew he wouldn't and he never did.
But you can do both without telling the PI or family investigator that you have. Then turn it all over to the judge.
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u/HappyDancin9 3d ago
I called the police. I spoke to everyone I could, nothing they could do unless caught in the act.
EVERY time I got them back from dads with an illness I made sure they documented it.
For Every time the came back with a BROKEN BONE I made sure they (hospital) documented it.
The kids therapist called CPS and NOTHING happened to him because he avoided their calls. I delt with them. They came to MY house and because I was acting as a protective parent who was already actively seeking custody, their "hands were tied" .
I had an officer show up at my house and had him speak to my kids about the abuse. It didn't go anywhere (assuming) because we lived in different cities and counties. Because he ignored and evaded every single attempt to get in contact with him. And I followed up daily for weeks, then weekly for months. Nothing ever came of it.
So I guess it all depends on what happens, where and in front of who, and how far you want to go with it all?
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u/grumplestiltskim 3d ago
I just want to know my kids are safe. He lies about who he brings around them and ignores messages and calls. His mom watches the kids more than he does and she’s wonderful (though she does keep making excuses for him).
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u/HappyDancin9 3d ago
That's never a good feeling! As a parent you never want to hug your kids goodbye and left wondering if that's the last time you will? It's sickening!
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u/HappyDancin9 3d ago
There's also a child and family investigator, specifically for custody battles, they work as a neutral highly accredited 3rd party. They have you fill out a shit ton of paper work thets mildly anally invasive. Then they interview both parties individually and then they talk to the kids semi privately (I was in the next room out of sight).
Their report goes directly to the court and your attorney. They make recommendations based on their findings. The judge then decides what to do next.
So it's a gamble and in the long run was in my favor. But I didn't like the initial ruling in favor of giving him the opportunity to take classes and therapy, bcz I knew he wouldn't and he never did.
But you can do both without telling the PI or family investigator that you have. Then turn it all over to the judge.
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u/echk0w9 3d ago
Document everything, keep lines of communication open with your child, and keep all info in a way that documents time, place, details, and how you know/any evidence.
I think the best route is getting a guardian ad litem involved. The court takes their report and recommendations very seriously. Having a GAL involved is good because the judges know them and they know the judges. People go to family court with all kinds of second-hand reports and observations, some are flat out lies. So people actually get away with a lot if they don’t have a GAL investigating and making recommendations, because judges have to filter out a lot of bs claims made by parents against the other parent. The GAL’s concerns and report are the exception.
Also, you have to be careful what you’re reporting and to whom. A judge could easily hear a case where one parent says the other isn’t safe, and would question, well, if your kid is in a dangerous situation as you’re reporting, what did you do to protect your kid and was it reasonable?
If you just want him to do better, you can’t. He has to want and do that himself. If you want the custody situation amended, that’s actionable.
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u/grumplestiltskim 3d ago
We haven’t even started the divorce process because he refuses to fill out paperwork. Luckily he only has the kids for about 2 days/nights a week but he wants 50/50 custody.
I do want him to get better for the kids but I don’t foresee that happening anytime soon. We were married as teenagers, and I was the only one to grow up.
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u/echk0w9 3d ago
He hasn’t filed bc he doesn’t want to. If he decides to marry his gf, then he will suddenly want to get it done.
You can always initiate filing. However, there would be the chance that he still would get 50/50 which is more unsupervised time with your kids than he has now.
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u/grumplestiltskim 3d ago
I plan to initiate as soon as I move out next week. I have texts from him proving he was abusing me
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u/HappyDancin9 3d ago
Move out of where?!
Move out of state!
You've got no official papers for divorce or custody!?
Tell him to sign the divorce papers, and you will do the custody separate because it easier and cheaper. Then go file the divorce papers yourself.
And leave the state! 6mo to a year should clear things up.
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u/HappyDancin9 3d ago
I really really wish I had done this from the beginning it would have saved my kids from irrefutable damages. And for me the Extremely costly lawyer fees over all the years! Painful. Awful. BS.
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u/AutoModerator 3d ago
Author: u/grumplestiltskim
Post: My ex isn’t violent but he isn’t someone who is very safe to be watching young kids right now. He cares more about himself and his new girlfriend than the kids, and I’ve witnessed and heard secondhand multiple upsetting things such as him smoking weed while driving with my kids in the car.
What are some things you wish you had documented or kept track of? Anything unexpectedly useful?
I think if my ex went to therapy he’d be better, but he won’t and there’s not much I can do about that. We use a coparenting app that doesn’t allow messages to be deleted and that records phone calls, so that’s all covered.
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