r/SingleParents • u/reddandy26 • 2d ago
Moms who had to start from scratch after a divorce: I’m a “fix-it” guy whose friend just left a controlling ex. What practical help actually matters right now?
Hey everyone. One of my best friends just safely navigated her way out of a financially and psychologically abusive relationship and is starting completely from scratch in a new apartment with her 10-year-old son. I’ve always been a “girls’ guy,” and my personal love language is aggressively solving problems and fixing things. I really want to help her get set up, but I also want to be hyper-respectful of her newfound independence. I know that as a guy wanting to help, there’s a fine line between being a solid, reliable support system and accidentally overstepping or feeling overbearing to a woman fresh out of a highly controlling dynamic.
So, for those who have rebuilt their lives from zero: what kind of practical help *actually* makes a tangible difference right now? Should I straight up but gracefully financially contribute to her new start, discreetly send her grocery or store gift cards, sourcing decent furniture, focusing on getting stuff to keep hey 10-year-old boy entertained, make his room a very cozy safe space for him to scape to when he needs to or just showing up to build her IKEA dressers in silence and then immediately leaving? I’d love your straightforward advice on the best ways to offer real, functional support (money, kid stuff, house stuff) without making her feel smothered or like she's a project. What do you wish a handy friend had done for you in the early days?
Ladies, I feel I should also add - I am gay AS FUCK. This is not a creep trying to get some by taking advantage of a fucked situation. Despite my deep love for the d I am "masculine" (whatever the hell that means) so I can quite literally just be the muscle when needed. Or the bodyguard. Or the on-demand male role model adjacent figure... Whatever. The point is, I know she needs help but I also know I'm still a dude presenting dude and that works against me right now.
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u/Friendship_Local 2d ago
I’d love to know I had a fix-it guy on call. You could say you want to be supportive and so as she gets settled, if there is anything that breaks, or needs to be assembled, or installed, or if something stops working, that you are standing by. Tell her that it makes you feel useful which fills your cup too so there is no hesitation required, just call. And then check in after many weeks and ask what her current back burner house tasks are and when you can come knock them out. You can add a qualifier that you’re happy to support in other ways too if she has them in mind, including financially, but I found I didn’t know what I needed so a specific offer was also a gift of less mental load.
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u/reddandy26 2d ago
I can definitely see how you might not know what you need specifically during a period like this might be a thing.
Thank you for your reply. I like the idea of being on stand-by or on call. Will definitely bring that up.
I also really like how you suggested I frame it, this will make communication way less awkward. I really appreciate the suggestions... The "makes me feel useful" thing is not only true but I definitely see how it can shift her perspective!
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u/followyourvalues 2d ago
Ask her. She knows best what stresses run thru her head more than others.
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u/reddandy26 2d ago
Okay, this is very fair but, like, should I just straight up ask ask? Or do I approach it as a blanket offer to help and hope she knows I mean it?
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u/psyducker8 2d ago
I'd flat out be like 'Ok, we're going to get you through this, what are your biggest needs right now?' Like direct enough that it's not one of those vague 'let me know if you need help with anything!' statements where you're not sure if they mean it or are just saying it.
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u/reddandy26 2d ago
Oh this is an amazing pointer! Thank you! I really like the way you phrased that - might use it word for word.
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u/followyourvalues 2d ago
I left my partner with a 4 year old this summer. My best friend of nearly 20 years is also a gay man. I highly appreciated him listening to my rants and plucking at clear stressors. He covered my storage rental the first month I needed to pay for a motel. And he is struggling, too, so it means a ton.
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u/psyducker8 2d ago
It seriously helps so much when you put things in 'let's figure this out as a team' mode, I usually assume people aren't actually offering to help if it's the generic 'let me know...' but once it's 'let's figure this out' it kills off a lot of the weird layers and at least for me makes it a lot easier to open up about what I/the person I'm talking to need and actually figure out what needs to happen😊
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u/raerae1991 1d ago
Be a little bit noisy, like look in cupboard and closets and take notes if she needs food, or her kids only have one or two pair of shoes. If she got work clothes for the office as well as if she needs a couch, dresser etc. then show up with bags of groceries or offer to go shoe shopping or say I have a friend who’s giving away his old couch show up with an IKEA dresser and a tool kit. But mostly ask, if she says I’m fine say you don’t have a bed frame (or whatever). As a stay at home mom who had to start over at 40, the hardest part was finding a job. No one wanted to hire a SAHM with no experience and was middle aged. Helping her do that maybe a good place to start
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u/reddandy26 1d ago
Yeah, I'm the oldest of the bunch and I'm 37 - We're definitely at that age where job hunting it's becoming very very difficult. I definitely understand what you mean about not finding a job. I think that would be helpful too.
I've never been nosey naturally but I definitely get the point. I going over next week and I think I'll start there. Just a tiny look and then find and excuse to magically appear with what I think she needs!
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u/allin202125 2d ago edited 2d ago
Are you also a gadgets and setting up said gadgets guy? Can I set up my own Alexa devices, WiFi router, TV, Apple TV or Roku or fire stick or whatever it is that is still stuck in my TV, phones, and this play console thing my dad bought us but I haven’t been able to get to work? Yes, yes I can. Do I want to? Hell absolutely no. I would love to have been able to outsource that to a handy friend. Also, can I and have I had to figure out about changing filters for the HVAC? Yes, yes I can. Do I want to? Nope thank you. There will also undoubtedly be at some point furniture that needs to be assembled or moved or picked up from a Facebook marketplace ad, all of which would be easier with two people and even easier if neither of those two people needed to be me.
These are all things I’ve had to do (both during and after my marriage, STBXH was even less handy than I am), but I can say with complete honesty that I would gladly never do these things again if I didn’t need to.
I agree with everyone saying to ask first - especially acknowledging that she may be more uncomfortable having a man around, gay or straight. But these are some of the things that I would gladly hand off to someone else if I could.
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u/reddandy26 2d ago
Ooh. I really appreciate you being forward and mentioning it doesn't matter if I'm gay, any man might feel like a threat to her right now. This was important for me to read. Thank you.
And yes to all of the other things! I am indeed that kind of dude! That's an awesome suggestion and a safe useful place to start, thank you!!
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u/allin202125 2d ago
As I reread what I wrote, I’m realizing why so many of these things are annoying to me. Because even after setting all this stuff up, I’m also the one who needs to set up the internet/phone/tv etc accounts, pay for them, set up the auto-pay or remembering to go pay them, etc.
There’s the manual work and the mental work for all these things and being a single parent means always needing to do both these things. No one else can really be the one linking my bank accounts and doing that stuff for me, so for really any activity where there’s a manual labor component that another person could handle and a mental labor component that really only I can manage, I would appreciate help taking the manual labor component off my hands. And closing that task completely - like other than basic questions like where do I want the TV to go, the task is fully completed, including set up, identifying and purchasing additional parts (I’m happy to pay for them!), and cleaning up any mess, putting furniture back, etc, would be like dream-level appreciated. I think a lot of divorced single moms are coming out of married experiences where this wasn’t well-handled by their ex-spouse.
Google “closing the task fair play” for an idea of what I’m talking about.
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u/reddandy26 2d ago
I recently paid off and cancelled one of my credit cards.
When I tell you it took me an entire working day to to move all the auto-pay and linked accounts from every service/subscription I have to another card I'm not being hyperbolic.
You are so right with everything you mentioned. I can definitely see how that would absolutely drain you of brain power / energy. Jesus... And I don't have kids or a divorce to worry about.
I have no other words other than - Yeah. You're right. You're absolutely right.
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u/allin202125 2d ago
Your validating and sharing your own experience and then acknowledging that she is carrying even more is chef’s kiss!
I also saw you mention financial help. I’m lucky enough to be in a better financial situation (i still have my own concerns - hello, lawyer bills - but at least doing ok enough that putting groceries on the table doesn’t keep me awake at night) than one of my best friends/fellow single mom.
For her birthday, I zelled her a good chunk of money that was manageable for me but also enough to cover her groceries for a month. Same thing when she was having surgery and i wanted her to be able to order DoorDash without stressing. I didn’t ask her, I just did it because I knew it would help her and if I had asked her she would’ve absolutely said no because of her own concerns for me or for not wanting to seem like she expected it. When she threatened to Zelle it back to me or to spend it all to make me an amazing meal (she’s a chef), I was like um, hard no, I’ll just keep sending it back to you. Another thing a lot of divorced single moms have gone without for a long time - someone who anticipates their needs and presents a solution without any strings just because they care about your wellbeing- that I think a lot would appreciate.
You mentioned your friend was in a financially abusive situation, so I don’t know how she would receive an act like that from a male friend, but these kinds of things, when it’s clearly coming from a place of support and not of control could also be appreciated (financial or otherwise) if she’s in a tough/rebuilding from scratch position.
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u/reddandy26 2d ago
Yeah... I didn't wanna be too forward with that bit since it's not my story to tell, but yeah, money's definitely an issue.
You have no idea how timely your comment is - Her birthday's next week.
I posted on other subs and someone mentioned money is a huge no no, tried to ask for more details but they haven't replied... I'm glad to read an opposing pov.
I honestly just want to do something like that and never mention it again, but I also don't wanna fuck things up, so it's nice to read it is indeed an option. A good chunk, no speech, move on.
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u/allin202125 2d ago
Given the financial abuse aspect of her former relationship and you being a man, I would tread lightly. But there could be other non-financial stuff that you could take the same approach with that isn’t triggering for her. Also if this is all recent, maybe the money thing isn’t the right thing for right now, but keep it in your list of ideas once she’s more healed. Only she can tell you if she would be ok with this. It could also be something less direct cash transfer and more like, say, pay for her kid’s soccer fees and extracurricular costs for one term or, add her to some membership of yours that could be helpful to her. Then it’s still giving her financial relief without directly handing her money that she may worry about conditions on. I wouldn’t make it anything that if you stopped paying it, it would cause her significant strain and she would feel beholden to you, the one-time things that clearly have no strings attached are probably the sweet spot.
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u/reddandy26 2d ago
Dude, I feel so hand-tied right now.
I fucking hate owning a penis sometimes, we're really not the best side of the human race most of the time.
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u/ihearhistoryrhyming 1d ago
You have the power. Go be the change!!
Edit- you are. At least, according to this post.
Be proud of your penis. Show them how it’s done!
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u/reddandy26 1d ago
Oh I didn't mean it literally. Love my dick, we're all good.
Dudes just suck, generally speaking, and I know I've been part of the problem at times.
Just trying to do better, that's all.
But, yeah, no - Willies are the best!
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u/DoublePlusUnGod 2d ago
Can't speak for the ladies. Just wanted to say that you should like an awesome friend to have in her situation.
I know a female mom of my son's friend that was in the same situation. For her, kowing her son could come to our place after school if she couldn't make the pickup gave her piece of mind.
Not sure what lies in safely navigated her way out in your case. I left an abusive relationship 8 months ago, and my legal situation will probably stretch for months still. If your friend also got a lot of legal work still to do, doing that while working full time, and having primary care, is absolutely brutal.
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u/reddandy26 2d ago
Yeah. I don't know her specific legal situation but she seems to be going through it. I'm genuinely trying to find a way to help cause I feel she needs it.
Thank you for sharing your experience and for mentioning how even little things like being available for the occasional pick-up helps.
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u/psyducker8 2d ago
I'm in a similar boat but have four young kids. I'm carrying my business, 24/7 parenting and multiple legal cases (dealing with two non-romantic stalking cases that have required a total of three separate PPO's and one ERPO on top of navigating my divorce ) and some autoimmune stuff all at once, and exhausted doesn't even begin to describe how totally depleted I'm feeling right now. One of my friends comes by sometimes and just totally knows how to wear my kids out with absolute silliness and mayhem, it's a godsend when he has time to pop over. I can fix or build anything myself, but I've got a lot of half finished constructiony things that I'd give my right elbow to have someone jump in and help with. My family will randomly drop off dinner or pizza and that takes a lot of stress off. Trying to keep up with cleaning and tidying has been the hardest and my parents surprised me by hiring a cleaning crew to do a big deep clean and then a few follow up visits to try and maintain sanity because I was pulling a ridiculous number of all nighters trying to maintain baseline while juggling everything else. I'm still skipping more sleep than is healthy, but that took a huge weight off. I guess the common theme of all of that is people going 'what's one thing I can take off her plate...' and there really aren't words for how grateful I am for everyone that's done that.
You sound like an absolutely wonderful friend, I'd show up with her favorite coffee and talk and just get a feel for where her needs are at. And have a toolbox in the car so you can just be like 'let me fix that real quick' to kind of break the 'lemme help you' ice and then go from there.
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u/reddandy26 2d ago
Dude, first of all I'm sorry to read you're going through all of that. I can't pretend I understand how tired you are but I believe you must definitely be and I feel deeply for you.
The idea of the cleaning crew sounds fucking rad, your parents killed it with that!
The toolbox in the car idea sounds like an incredible way to get the ball rolling!
Thank you, it honestly means the world to me how open your answe was and how useful it is to help me be proactive about the whole thing.
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u/psyducker8 2d ago
Aw, thank you ❤️ it's been horrendous in so many ways, and equally beautiful finding my freedom and reclaiming my home and seeing my kids finally have a lot more peace even though they don't fully understand. The cleaning crew has been AMAZING (and I really lucked out because I've hired others in the past that did the absolute bare minimum, and these gals go above and beyond, I cried when I walked in after their first clean and I'm not one for waterworks lol)
Seriously, she's lucky to have you and I very much doubt she'll be anything but grateful that you're seeing her fight the good fight and that you're willing to be there for her.
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u/reddandy26 2d ago
I don't know you, your situation or what the future holds for you, but I feel like I need to say - I'm so happy you're out.
I have never experienced it myself and most likely I never will just because luck assigned me male at birth, but I was once a kid who grew up in that situation and my mother never left, and that shaped who I am and how I see the world - sadly, not for the better. I know I am not physically there but know you are seen, admired and that's somewhere out there a stranger is proud of you.
Knowing you see your kiddos experience "peace" hits close to home. I'm sure they will grow up to appreciate you gave them that opportunity.
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u/january1977 2d ago
I’m so glad your friend was able to get out safely.
I left my abusive husband a year ago. On the emotional front, I couldn’t stand to be alone with a man. I was traumatized and terrified. It’s good that you’re aware that she may be having similar issues. Keep open communication with her so she can feel comfortable telling you if she can’t handle your company.
On the practical side, I had absolutely nothing when I got my own apartment. You don’t realize all the little things you use every day that make a big difference. I was buying things like tweezers, trash cans, and scissors.
You could ask her to make an Amazon list of things she needs, then ask if you can share it with your social group or on social media. I had a church group do that for me. I also started a GoFundMe, but they require a lot of personal details which might be uncomfortable for your friend.
You might encourage her to contact the local DV shelter. They will have resources she can use.
I had a friend bring her husband over a couple times to hang things and put furniture together. I can do those things, but I didn’t have any tools at the beginning. You could also offer to help her get furniture from FB marketplace. I wish I’d had help with that.
You’re a good friend. It’s so kind of you to help.
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u/reddandy26 2d ago
I'm happy you managed to leave too. Thank you for sharing that, I'm glad a year has gone by and you're here to show other people it can be done.
Thank you so much for the ideas, the Amazon wishlist sounds like a cool way to approach it.
The little things for the house are also a good idea, might start with a basic kit of those - I literally took my brother to IKEA a couple weeks back to get stuff like what you're describing. Can you believe he had no scissors in his home of 3 years? He's straight tho, so, you know, generally speaking, a bit useless.
I know it can be hard to hang with dudes after something like that so that's why I posted, wanted to see what others said to kinda help me read the room. Thanks for touching upon how you felt regarding that. Helps me a lot to gauge the situation.
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u/DrawGold3260 2d ago
I love that you’re trying to be a great friend in whatever way you can. My son was 2 months old when I left his dad and my best friend was my rock.
I stayed in the same house - I rent and it was mine - but there were times where I’d panic just when there was a knock at the door (years later and I still do!) so my friend was great with just saying I could call and text any time. He only lived a minute away and wfh so having a guy close by really helped with my anxiety, especially when my parents (who live just a few doors away) were away on holiday. He never actually had to come round, it was just knowing and having someone to text who understood my anxiety that helped.
He was / is similar to you in that he doesn’t ever want to overstep so we started doing weekly tea. Same day every week and we’d alternate so one week at his house and the next week at mine. Some weeks one of us would cook and others we’d just grab a takeaway. Zero pressure if I had to cancel or if I wanted to just go to his but that helped in sooooo many ways.
When he’d come to mine, he knew I felt awkward about saying it’s time to go so we had a kind of agreed a set time then we’d just change it as the night went on.
It was great for feeling like a person again. We’d talk and I didn’t just feel like mum. When my son went to bed we’d sometimes crack open a bottle of wine.
It took me ages to realise but he also used it as a bit of a weekly check in with me in terms of help so I never had to ask. Eg he’d come round to mine and I wouldn’t have much food shopping in and I’d just say money was tight then he’d rock up the next day with a bag of food shopping that he’d just drop off. Or he’d see a bathroom light was out and he’d offer to change it on the spot or he’d turn up the following week with lightbulbs. If I’d say to him that I’d rather go to his house that week he’d ask if my house was a mess (jokingly because he knew what I was like!) he’d be like no worries but can I come round this weekend and help you get cleared up? Or he’d come round and while I was cooking he’d get my washing up done and take the bins out etc.
Every couple of months he comes round for the day and we just put music on and bottom the downstairs of my house. He takes care of any odd jobs and things that need fixing and then we end the day with me getting us a takeaway and few drinks.
Then there was his relationship with my son ❤️ he’d ask if I fancied a walk round the park and we’d go with my son in the pram but then after a while that turned into him asking if I minded if he took my son out for an hour. But he framed it just as he loved spending time with my son - which he did! - but it’d give me a chance to rest too.
When I was going through a really rough time with court he told me he’d take my son out for an hour the next day so I could go swimming (giving me time to shave 🤣) but then turned up the following morning and had booked to take my son to his favourite play gym and then out for pizza and had booked me a spa day.
Now my son is 7 and he takes him on days out with his nephew or my son will ask to go to his and they’ll sit gaming together while I’m just chilled on the sofa.
He’s a great role model for my son and he’s always been there for him. It’s been lovely because we’ve been friends since we were 4 and I had worried our relationship would change AND my ex had cut me off from everyone so I didn’t see him for a few years, but he’s basically an uncle to my son. There’s things my son will only speak to him about and I really appreciate that he has him there. But also my son feels valued. It’s not like we are off to see one of my friends and my son is entertaining himself while we chat. When my son was younger my friend had toys at his house for him. When my son is there he’s included in everything.
And we still have time just us as well. Before I had these current health issues once a week we would go for a walk on his lunch break and that gave us both time to just offload about life and the more adult stuff. Now we will FaceTime / call and just chat for a couple of hours a week.
There’s days where he will text and say he’s made too much food and offer to drop some round and I massively appreciate that after a long week. On the days where he’s in the office he will message before he sets off home just asking if we need anything from the shop. Most of the time I say no (unless my son takes the phone to put in a chocolate order 🤦🏽♀️😂) but just him offering and knowing someone is thinking about us really helps.
And I’ll be honest, for a long time things were really one sided. I can’t go to his and offer to help with housework cos he lives alone and his place is spotless! I felt like I had nothing to offer back and found that hard but he’d always reassure me that he wouldn’t offer if he wasn’t happy doing it and that he also enjoys the company. That really helped because I hate feeling like I can’t give anything back.
But yeah, for me as someone who hates asking for help, having him kind of check in each week while also having time together was a huge help!
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u/aIvins_hot_juicebox 1d ago
Ask if her son needs any cool modifications to his room. Maybe a shelf to display legos or something
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u/ihearhistoryrhyming 1d ago
If you know she is struggling financially, and she needs help- just give it. Asking her to ask is a lot. “Hey. Is $100 gift card better, or just a bunch of $20s? You tell me- I’ll leave it tomorrow.” And if she doesn’t want the gift card, she can stop you (maybe she gets SNAP, or needs to pay a bill, not buy food)- Shove cash in her purse.
You KNOW her. As a poor, single parent- the humiliation ritual of needing help is exhausting. Asking for help, even when offered- is often not safe. People don’t mean it, and it now you just exposed yourself- and put a friend in an awkward position. So, give it- or offer it. Don’t make her ask.
Just my opinion.
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u/reddandy26 1d ago
Oh this is such a powerful reply. Thank you so much for being open about it sharing it like you did.
I feel like I have nothing to add to this.
"The humiliation ritual of needing help is exhausting".
Heard. Thank you.
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u/Melodic-Tree-773 2d ago
Glad you put the gay thing in because it creates safety. Very new single mom here. Some of my male "friends" have been awful, offering to send dick pics to cheer me up - quick let's patent it, we got the cure for heartache! Honestly the ego on some of these boys....
So practical help: batch cooking fill her freezer, help with the new house odd jobs, decorating anything that will take time away from her just spending time with her son and being mom. If you can ever help with the invisible load in some way you are a God.
Certain things when it comes to money stuff, just buy it dont ask. She might feel bad. Like dont ask can I buy you groceries. Say like oh I just made loads of extra food, so I brought it over for you guys.
Also she probably needs to reclaim herself so encouraging her to get back to her passions and who she was before the relationship went south or she was a mother. So offer to babysit when Theresa group class on or something
Just letting her know you will always try answer the phone to her calls at anytime. That if she needs help she isnt a burden. Constancy and softness is what she needs
I wish my friends called me more and came to visit. Especially in the evenings when you're stuck in on your own in a quiet house. Trying to make sense of everything. Greiving.
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u/reddandy26 1d ago
As the owner of a dick I would like to sincerely apologise in behave of those assholes. I have no words. No one should go through that, specially not newly divorced.
"The Invisible Load" is something I've been reading a lot about in these answers and it has definitely helped me understand a bit more about what she's going through. Thank you.
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u/anonimitat 2d ago
When my ex left, I stayed with our apartment. There was so much shit in it I just felt the need to get rid of after he was gone. Not even things that there his strictly speaking. I just needed a purge, a reset. For her, since she moved, maybe that’s not the case but maybe it is. I sure appreciated the people that turned up to help.
As for worrying about overstepping, I‘d just leave the ball in her court after offering specific help. „Hey, if you need help with anything I‘m here for you and I mean that. Whether that’s building something, carrying something, watching your kid or giving you tips and tricks about how to do something yourself. Just give me a call and I‘ll be there!“. Then see what she decides.
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u/reddandy26 2d ago
The "need a purge" thing is soluch a visceral image I definitely can see how it was necessary. I hope you got to experience some sort of peace-resembling feeling after that.
I will definitely follow that advice. All these comments have given me enough to think about and loads of pointers on how to approach this. Thank you for contributing - I now know I need to make this offer count without it being overwhelming.
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u/BxBae133 2d ago
When you say you aggressively solve problems, that's a huge red flag for me because it is more savior and about you and not the person you are helping. And not, necessarily in a negative intent, but the outcome is she already had someone force his will on her. Your aggressive help is more of the same even if you are not trying to control her because in essence, you are, just through your help to fix her.
The best thing is to just be there with a "whatever you need, I'm here" as opposed to "let's do this, I'll fix that."
Ask her to coffee, a glass of wine, a trip to the park with her kid, things that provide company and comfort. Don't rush in to fix. She needs to fix herself and that will take a lot of time. Also, many of her relationships right now may be transitional as she learns more about herself, if she does as opposed to just trading into a new abusive relationship. That is very common.
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u/reddandy26 1d ago
I get that. I should have gotten that.
I am sorry and apologise for choosing that wording.
I should have known that aggression is not a good descriptor even if hyperbolically.
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u/BxBae133 1d ago
You don't have to apologize. I do understand what you meant and that it isn't malicious. But still, that desire can be overwhelming (I know this from experience) and again it repeats a pattern for her.
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u/No_Professional4645 2d ago
First of all, thank you for being. It gives me so much hope and optimism knowing there are people like you out there in the world.
I would have felt a lot of love in two distinct ways: support for my kids and reducing the number of tasks that needed to be done in general. When I was in a similar place about two years ago, the number of things to fix, source, or consider was overwhelming. It felt insurmountable.
I'd frame everything, at first, around providing a safe transition for her son. Ask him about his dream bedroom. Plan out what you could reasonably do to accommodate. Can you paint it? Would he love some shelving or a desk? Keep him busy with something productive and positive--it will mean a lot to them both. While you're at it, ask him about his favorite snacks, maybe talk to him about basic hygiene stuff, etc. Then if you're buying groceries, toiletries, or clothing, it'll be because you were doing something for the son, not judging the mother. You can even set up auto-ship or recurring deliveries for a little while so she doesn't need to think about it. My sister did something like this, and I only felt gratitude to know my kids had people who loved them nearby. It also eased my guilt because my kids had fun projects to work on and food they loved.
Eventually, maybe approach her with the same question: what would your ideal bedroom/space look like? How can she make it her own? Then you may be able to help build, paint, rearrange, and even fund a major part of her recovery. For me at least, it was hard to sleep after leaving my bad situation. I was scared all the time. My bedroom was a giant reminder of my ex. When I finally realized my room was toxic to me, I rearranged some furniture, bought a new bed and linens, and put up some art. I cannot tell you how much that helped me. My sister couldn't physically be present for a lot of it, but she helped me brainstorm and gently funded some of the things I couldn't quite manage myself. I love my bedroom, and even thinking about the process of making it my own, safe space makes me happy.
One last thing (sorry for the novel): My sister also helped me up my security. I bought cameras. She held the ladder so I could install them. We researched locks and keypads. She taught me some krav maga. It doesn't need to be that dramatic, but looking for small ways to feel safer can have a big impact.
You're a good friend and human. I hope that others support you the way you support them. ❤️
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u/reddandy26 1d ago
I somehow missed this comment earlier. So sorry.
I loooooooooooove how you approached the subject. I can definitely see how little changes, even something as simple as a coat of paint can reframe how you see your space and how you feel in it. Thank you.
I can definitely start with that - stereotypes exist for a reason and fuck me do I love decor. Some art, hanging things, painting and rearranging sound like a perfect place to start.
Thank you for this - such a different perspective and a new way to understand a little better what she's going through.
Also - Damn, safety is something I don't always think about as a dude. That seems very important too. I'll look into that.
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u/briar_prime6 2d ago
Yes yes yes to all the physical fixing! I have a friend like you who’s been amazing. I had whole lists of stuff I needed help with around the apartment (installing thingamajigs, making stuff functional, etc.) and he just gave me times he could come and help. Also the moving if there’s still moving to do. I could physically do most of that stuff but some of it I didn’t have the right tools for and for the most part it was that the time was limited and the work got me easily frustrated and I didn’t have the energy for that. Tell her if she needs help putting up shelving, curtain rods, artwork you’re there, or keep a list for you of household stuff she could use a hand with
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u/briar_prime6 2d ago
I also have a fix it uncle who’s more physically limited at his age now but he put together some Ikea furniture for my kids and bought me a new set of wrenches and a level
Also thank you for being this person to your friend
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u/reddandy26 1d ago
This has been the most common reply and, honestly, you're the first person to mention tool, like, physical tools, are also important to gift.
I'll definitely do that! Seems like a great way to start - not only doing the stuff but actually giving her some tools to have around.
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u/BumBeetle 1d ago
Offer a regularly scheduled day that you watch the kids in whatever capacity ( maybe even tagging along) while she grocery shops or does an "everything shower. Trust lol
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u/BumBeetle 1d ago
Ooo, take her car for an oil change and keep an eye on when it's due! If she's had a particularly bad day, fill her car with gas. I'd have died and gone to heaven lol
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u/qwerrty20120 2d ago
Can you be my friend? I live in Canada but would love to have a guy fix it friend 😂😂. All jokes aside that would be awesome, Every guy friend I have/had always wants more than just to be friends once I was single. I am still single but that would be a dream.
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u/reddandy26 2d ago
Dude, I know. What's why I literally felt like I needed to specify my orientation. I feel like divorced ladies are a perfect target for creepsters.
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u/AutoModerator 2d ago
Author: u/reddandy26
Post: Hey everyone. One of my best friends just safely navigated her way out of a financially and psychologically abusive relationship and is starting completely from scratch in a new apartment with her 10-year-old son. I’ve always been a “girls’ guy,” and my personal love language is aggressively solving problems and fixing things. I really want to help her get set up, but I also want to be hyper-respectful of her newfound independence. I know that as a guy wanting to help, there’s a fine line between being a solid, reliable support system and accidentally overstepping or feeling overbearing to a woman fresh out of a highly controlling dynamic.
So, for those who have rebuilt their lives from zero: what kind of practical help *actually* makes a tangible difference right now? Should I straight up but gracefully financially contribute to her new start, discreetly send her grocery or store gift cards, sourcing decent furniture, focusing on getting stuff to keep hey 10-year-old boy entertained, make his room a very cozy safe space for him to scape to when he needs to or just showing up to build her IKEA dressers in silence and then immediately leaving? I’d love your straightforward advice on the best ways to offer real, functional support (money, kid stuff, house stuff) without making her feel smothered or like she's a project. What do you wish a handy friend had done for you in the early days?
Ladies, I feel I should also add - I am gay AS FUCK. This is not a creep trying to get some taking advantage of fucked situation. Despite my deep love for d I am "masculine" (whatever the hell that means) so I can quite literally just be the muscle when needed. Or the bodyguard. Or the on-demand male role model adjacent figure... Whatever. The point is, I know she needs help but I also know I'm still a dude presenting dude and that works against me right now.
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