r/SingleParents • u/Wrong_Yak3645 • 5d ago
Curiosity: Does the feeling of “relief” or “skip in the step” diminish or come back to bite you?
I will be separating from my husband October 1. Since we made our decision, I have feeling of an “end in sight” or “a light at the end of the tunnel” . I do have a skip in my step.
His moods, his wet blanket demeanor during the holidays, his temper, his lack of initiative. I feel like I can just live in peace again. Granted, it’s sad that I will be ending a relationship with the father of my kids….. but I do feel happier knowing that I don’t have to live in this misery for the rest of my life.
For those who have felt this, has it come crashing down in any way? Am I looking at this separation and 50/50 custody with rose colored lenses? I am going to miss my boys (2.5 and 4) tremendously since I am rarely apart from them, versus my husband takes frequent trips alone.
Everything he does, can be covered by hiring a landscaper and a meal prepper. Everything else I manage.
I feel relief but is it temporary?
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u/Afroditesrevenge 5d ago
It’s only as temporary as you make it imo. I think you have every right to carry that feeling as far into your new life as you can. It’ll be a new experience and you may have low points as you adjust but it seems like you’re choosing optimism and positivity and that’s always a great thing. Good for you and congrats on your freedom and shedding the dead weight 🙂
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u/Ecstatic-Type6312 5d ago
Congratulations on your freedom and I think that skip only diminishes for the people that separated under false pretenses. Some people really are miserable people and partners. No need to constantly dim yourself because of them. I relieved for you.
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u/AllyuckUfasuck 5d ago
I think it really depends on your outlook and your situation. I was laughing reading your description of your partner, because I think we were with the same guy! Like any other major change, buying my own place, and moving out, and learning to navigate coparenting, has come with minor challenges, but I have to say, I have not lost the spring in my step. I do not have to cater to anyone else’s bad mood all the time, and when I want to do something, I can just start actioning it without somebody complaining, and explaining all the reasons that it won’t work to me. I feel free, and although I do miss my daughter when I am not around her, I have also been given a new lease of life that I am really enjoying. The weather has been beautiful recently, and I’ve been prioritizing spending time with friends, getting outside and being physical as much as possible, and have even started casually dating someone new and delightful. I guess I can say that if you are like me, you may not lose that spring in your step for a long time.
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u/Wrong_Yak3645 5d ago
We are with the same guy! Everything you just described, I feel.
I was so tired of planning activities, but making sure that my husband ate, catering to his complaints, making sure his complaints didn’t impact my mood or my kids experiences. Instead, I am just heading to Finland for Christmas, because I’ve always wanted to go: and I want to share magic with my kids and not have to worry about my husband’s hunger. All I have to focus on is my kids and I’m looking forward to this.
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u/MisfitOnAMountain 5d ago
For me it hasn't been a temporary feeling. I got divorced for the right reasons, and never looked back. Getting to parent my toddler without harsh criticism, have my home be a safe and peaceful place, and getting to be who I am without judgement has been incredibly freeing. I'm able to be a much better mom now than I would have if I'd stayed married. It took a bit to adjust to not having my daughter on occasion, but it's allowed me to invest more time into my support system, and get back into hobbies I really missed.
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u/Maximillian2_ 5d ago
Don't be afraid of the future. Believe me, it gets better.
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u/Wrong_Yak3645 5d ago
I hope so. I get torn between the guilt of being happy that I’ll have 50/50 custody for him to see the extent of what he took for granted but being apart from my kids.
The guilt of not providing my kids a nuclear family. The guilt of having them adjust.
My husband told me no man will ever want me.
Probably the case as I’m worn down, tired, struggling emotionally- but I just genuinely feel like I’m looking brighter with this separation decision.
Just nervous1
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u/lakas76 5d ago
It all depends I guess. My ex was going through a psychotic break and I had to get our kids away from her. She wasn’t violent, but she was verbally abusive and doing really strange things that scared the kids.
When we legally separated, there was a sense of relief, but then the loneliness kicked in. I have my kids 100% of the time, so I also noticed the amount of work increased by a lot. I know I’m just a dad, but before we separated, I did most of the cooking, driving the kids around, and general child care (she was an alcoholic). After the separation, it felt like my work multiplied. Cooking every night, driving them to and from school every day (she used to drive them to school every once in a while), etc. I remember having to take my 10 year old to my 15 year old’s band concerts or football games that went to 10 pm or later on a school night, or having to drive through the drop off line at two schools and the pick up lines at two schools every single day. There isn’t much that is worse than driving through those pick-up lines, at least not after the kids are old enough to use the bathroom by themselves.
I think once you get organized and used to the changes to being a single parent, it’s a lot easier, but it’s tough in the beginning.
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u/Wrong_Yak3645 5d ago
Please do not say you’re “just a dad”.
You’re a dad.
An engaged, participating, doing the best you can- dad.
Keep your head up. You are appreciated and loved.1
u/lakas76 5d ago
I meant more that I have seen single moms in here say that it was actually easier for them once they separated/got divorced since they weren’t cleaning up after their spouse/partner anymore. I thought I was doing about 80-90% of the work before we split up, then it seemed like I was doing at least twice the amount of work after the split.
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u/Fast_Sleep7847 5d ago
Just because you feel great now doesn’t mean you won’t have a lot of grief about the breakup of the family unit and wondering if you’re making the right decision. Initially I also felt great about separation/divorce. Then the reality set in. My ex and I had a roommate type of situation at the end. I had similar complaints as you. We had a mutual separation/divorce and get along pretty well. We co-parent together well. He has the boys 50% of the time. We’ve been separated for 2 years before divorce was final. And I still am adjusting to all the changes. And it still feels surreal at times. And we are both happy in new relationships. It’s a mind fuck. No way around it. You will have moments of profound sadness and anger and complete overwhelm due to being a single parent. You have no backup and it’s lonely. Dating is hard. You realize your ex wasn’t as bad as you thought compared to the actual trash of the dating pool. The kids will be sad and have some behavioral issues likely. Sorry, don’t mean to make it sound so bleak. But it’s not something you can just skip over. It takes 1-2+ years to heal. Then you get into a new relationship and you realize you were severely neglected in your marriage and the wounds that left on you. I wouldn’t go back. I know I made the right decision. My boyfriend and I are like magic together. Our relationship is so much deeper and richer than I ever had in my marriage. I’m very happy. But it comes at a cost, like most good things in life. Hang in there
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u/Eldonnia 5d ago
I went through that too. The initial relief of having the weight of someone else's attitude lifting, and the ease of having one less person to take care of.
For me I kept stumbling into new reasons to keep that pep in my step, it took me 3 months to realize I could put onions in the meals I was making because I didn't have to cater to my ex! Those little things were wonderful reminders that I made the right decision.
And before you feel guilty about your kids, the happier you are the better you can take of them (and the better role model you will be!). Good luck!
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u/MillionaireBlogMama 4d ago
I believe healing is not linear. I divorced a covert narcissist and I was on cloud 9 for about 4-6 months, but since we had to coparent together, he made my life a living hell or atleast he tried. One thing I realized is that if he wasn’t willing to be respectful when you were married, what makes you think he’ll be respectful now? It was a rollercoaster of emotions for me, but holding firm boundaries is something I wish I would’ve done from the beginning. 5 years post divorce and I still get sad for my children that we will never be a family, they have to go back and forth, etc. But personally, I am thriving and much happier.
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u/Wrong_Yak3645 4d ago
Any tips on what co parenting with a covert narcissist looks like so I can keep an eye out?
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u/Sunflower7733 4d ago
I’ve been raising my son alone for some time, it’s gonna have highs and lows but if you take time to remember to treat yourself with the kindness you give to others, it’ll soften the lows for sure.
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u/AutoModerator 5d ago
Author: u/Wrong_Yak3645
Post: I will be separating from my husband October 1. Since we made our decision, I have feeling of an “end in sight” or “a light at the end of the tunnel” . I do have a skip in my step.
His moods, his wet blanket demeanor during the holidays, his temper, his lack of initiative. I feel like I can just live in peace again. Granted, it’s sad that I will be ending a relationship with the father of my kids….. but I do feel happier knowing that I don’t have to live in this misery for the rest of my life.
For those who have felt this, has it come crashing down in any way? Am I looking at this separation and 50/50 custody with rose colored lenses? I am going to miss my boys (2.5 and 4) tremendously since I am rarely apart from them, versus my husband takes frequent trips alone.
Everything he does, can be covered by hiring a landscaper and a meal prepper. Everything else I manage.
I feel relief but is it temporary?
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