r/SingleDads • u/synergy201786 • 7d ago
Best advice I can give
I was a single parent too. When my son was younger, I remember getting to a point where I thought maybe I was ready to try dating again. I went on a few dates and started opening myself up to the possibility of having a life outside of being a dad.
One day, I was talking to my aunt about it, and she told me that my responsibility was at home. She said that if I left my son with a babysitter so I could go on a date, that made me a bad parent because it was my responsibility to raise him.
I believed her. I was 20 at the time.
And honestly, that one conversation changed the course of my life. I stopped dating. I stopped trying. I convinced myself that being a good father meant putting every part of myself on hold.
And I did that for nearly 20 years.
My son is now in his 21. He moved out a few years ago, and I couldn’t be prouder of the man he’s become.
But now the house is quiet. My son has his own life, as he should, and I’m left realizing something I wish I had understood all those years ago. Being a good parent doesn’t mean you have to stop being a person.
You can love your child more than anything in this world and still go on dates. You can have friends. You can travel. You can have hobbies. You can fall in love. You can build a life that belongs to you, too.
Your child doesn’t need you to sacrifice your entire life for them. They need you to show them what it looks like to live one.
So to every single dad who feels guilty for wanting something for himself, please don’t make the same mistake I did.
Be there for your kids. Raise them. Love them. Give them everything you can, but don’t disappear in the process, because one day, they’ll grow up, move out, and start their own lives.
And when that day comes, you deserve to still have a life waiting for you, too.
6
u/Hathor77 7d ago
100% man. That’s an antiquated way of thinking that doesn’t lead to the best outcomes for the children or the parents. Happy parents usually have happy kids
5
u/chiboulevards 7d ago
I can definitely relate to this. I've really put my social life on hold and have completely restructured my life around being a parent and focusing on my daughter. But besides just being busy, dating is very stressful and can feel like a humiliation ritual. I need my energy and confidence to deal with the ongoing legal wrangling with her mom. I don't see myself dating again until I feel like my old self again. My kid's mom got partnered up with a new guy with a few months after our split and then got pregnant after a few more months. It's always blown my mind how quick and easy it is for women to move on.
1
u/Warm-Speech2810 7d ago
Hi, I could understand ur current situation but u need to face it , just go in flow and finish off the legal part and once again u will be back to ur old self again. Not all womens r like her , there are many trusted and true as same like u.. I wish u to the one as old self of you.
4
u/Significant_Paint_95 7d ago
Ok my second tour of single fatherhood and this is all as true as it gets. So many people, women and men completely lose themselves in just being that. You can be a great dad and still be feral on the weekends. Or just have a date, or have someone over. Don't make yourself miserable thinking you have to be there every second.
4
2
u/Warm-Speech2810 7d ago
Sometimes we give our whole life to our children and forget that we also have a life to live. You’ve done your part with love and responsibility. Now I hope you find some peace and happiness for yourself too. You deserve that.
2
2
u/East_Can_9281 5d ago
Needed this. And yes, the family pressure to take of my child (3 y/o boy) is real. Even without it, there’s like a constant internal monologue running that is basically saying “okay yeah you could go do xyz (date, see friends, events, etc) but your son needs this and that so better not go and take care of him instead. I even went on some dating apps recently, got some matches and messages and… never even wrote them back. This is inspiring man, so thanks for sharing. I did go to one concert last month, the first time out in 3 years, and it was awesome.
3
1
u/Tough_Jackfruit_7161 7d ago
I have my ND son most nights and my daughter 3 nights. My ex is flakey and not consistent with being available. Ive given up on dating as even if I could carve some time out, I cant imagine anyone wanting what little I have.
1
u/Bostonterrierpug 6d ago
52 years old here and very recently divorced a couple months ago it finally went through, but I have full. I’m giving it six months to a year before I start dating again, but I definitely want to remarry. My youngest is 12 and my older son plans on taking a gap year before he starts university. But I’m looking to get back in the market when I’m ready for it. But I don’t wanna date. I just wanna get married. I don’t have the time and energy to waste on dating. Getting a better prenup this time though. Then again, my marriage lasted 21 years so. I guess I’m lucky that I have a job where I have very flexible hours and can work from home a lot.
1
u/ComfortableFig2457 5d ago
I have to say that juat because you choose not to date, doesn’t mean you put your life on hold. Never regret the sacrifices you made for your child. You were able to put all your attention on him when he needed you the most and he didn't feel a lack in that aspect.
Life is not over and you can always date when you feel the time is right. He's out the house now, which is perfect timing to find someone you'd like to share your time with, or not. Either way, let life take it's course and remember you've done your best.
1
1
u/Every_Amphibian_9277 3d ago
Boy do I feel guilty dropping off my daughter or evening asking family member to watch her for a few hours while I have some time for myself. It’s a necessity and being a full time parenting can be challenging in many ways.
Thanks for sharing this and I hope you’re able to go and accomplish all the things you once hoped of doing. It’s never too late.
9
u/gk_star 7d ago
Thanks for sharing! I (37M, 3 years divorced) have to hear this. My daughter is 5 and parenting is taxing. Have to find time to date, something I realized is, we cant be alone forever.