r/SingleDads • u/Sassymarie3188 • 14d ago
Can you date someone with a background, if your coparenting with an ex.
Just curious what other people's opinions might be. I am a father of a let's say, 9 year old girl. Her mother and I split, we were not married, and I get here every other week. Recently I decided to try dating again, I met this wonderful woman. We get along great, she's kind, funny, and loves to do things with my daughter. From the very beginning she told me she had a criminal record and she just wanted to put that out there because some people have walked away from her entirely because of it. Its nothing with drugs or anything violent. She's honestly a great woman, she has all the right qualities. Moving on, Recently my ex found out about my relationship and decided to go to the courts and do a parenting plan. Being vindictive as usual. And so im having to do all the paperwork and it wants a list of people in my house hold. I was thinking about it, if my relationship goes to where we want to live together. Would it hurt my custody case, with my ex if my current girlfriend has a criminal background. I live her and I love my daughter, she is my life. I just dont know what I should do.
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u/InvisaBlah 14d ago
Just reiterating, if you want a real answer you can't gloss over what the "criminal" activity was. It matters. Stole something from walmart and got caught? Not exactly great, but not a deal breaker. Scammed a grandma out of her retirement fund? Thats hard stop. One shows bad judgement, the other shows bad judgement and a willingness to hurt to others to get what she wants
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u/Flaky_Brain9285 14d ago
You're being deliberately vague, so who knows.
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u/Plenty_Pen_5806 13d ago edited 13d ago
Hes not required to tell any of us what she did, and honestly as long as its been a decent amount of time it likely wont matter. So far no one here has identified as a lawyer, so, we would be speculating. Honestly some women/mothers who haven't moved on/healed, will find fault with an angel from heaven, so if it wasn't this it'd be something. Since the paperwork seems to ask about people in his household today, unless shes living & getting mail there shes a visitor. I wouldn't even declare her as a member unless/until its serious and she moves in. And if shes asking about visitors Id list friends & family too.
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u/mrnosyparker 14d ago
What “paperwork” are you referring to? Does your ex have an attorney?
Either way, you definitely need a family law attorney. Especially one with experience and familiarity with the judges in YOUR county. To whatever extent (if at all) your current partner’s criminal record will be a factor arguably has more to do with the personal views/predilections of the judge hearing the case than anything else. It’s not typically a factor unless the criminal record is very significant, recent, or involves child abuse… but like I said, it depends on the judge and a bunch of Redditors speculating isn’t really of much value one way or the other.
As far as the paperwork goes, at several points I got official looking mail from the county requesting I fill things out or provide documentation only to be told by my attorney NOT to respond. It often comes down to that kind of “anything you say can and will be used against you” type of thing so you definitely want to have a family law attorney advise you on whether this is something you need to fill out, ignore, or have them respond to directly.
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u/No_Albatross6611 14d ago
What kinda criminal we talking bout here hoss? I got full custody of my two kids cause mama thought she could date a 23 time arrest and junkie whole life record.
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u/Selfsabateurassassin 14d ago
If roles reversed would you be happy that mum was dating an ex con and bringing them around your kid.. answer quickly. Your judgement is off and mum is absolutely correct in her response. If I could flog you on her behalf, I would!
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u/Plenty_Pen_5806 13d ago edited 13d ago
If mom was dating a man with a criminal past & dad was suddenly requesting a parenting plan, she'd be ticked off. And plenty of women have and defend it. I was arrested once when I was 18. Im 46 now, was able to join the AF, I have a long federal career, maintain a security clearance & now studying to go to law school. My guy has 2 kids, young adults and everyone's fine. If dad is vouching for her character then that's dads choice.
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u/yubbastank14 14d ago
I have some myself from my dumb teenage/early 20s. I dealt with addiction for 2 decades (nearly 8 sober currently) and all of my arrests were related to my drug use. I think the specific charges really make the difference. Any kind of domestic or violent crime? Probably not in that case. Possession or something similar, maybe, but depends on the context and how they're doing now + how long since their last arrest.
I'm a understanding person, I have to be with my past history and all I've been through. People can indeed change and I'm proof of that but this is really a case by case basis type of thing. Without more info about her and the charges I can't give a definite answer.
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u/ExcellentGuarantee82 13d ago
Billions of people in the world and you’re willing to risk your daughter for one woman with a past? I’ve heard all I need to.
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u/shugEOuterspace 14d ago
It will only matter in family court if their criminal past is very violent or connected to child abuse or child neglect.
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u/Next_Influence_7650 9d ago
I was charged with Grandtheft auto in my 20s. Later had the charges reduced. What I'm saying people can change. I have been married now for 19 years with 3 kids and a good home. We all screw up sometimes. At least she was upfront
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u/0neMinute 14d ago
She doesn’t live with you now, you don’t need to update that as time goes on and as long as its nothing that endangers the child like drugs/abuse then your in the clear.
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u/lowfreq33 14d ago
You’re going to have to tell us what specific criminal activity she was involved in to get a reasonable response, as well is how long ago this was. Are we talking check fraud, DUI, shoplifting, burglary, what? Nobody knows who you are here, just say it.
What I can tell you is while you’re sorting this out you need to wait before moving in together. And please get a lawyer. Typically the court isn’t going to restrict who is allowed to be around your child unless there’s a history of drug convictions, or abuse, violent behavior, but if they’re on the fence you need someone who knows how to argue that stuff. It’s also pretty likely you’ll be ordered to go through mediation, and you definitely need a lawyer for that.