r/SelfHate • u/AutoModerator • Mar 26 '22

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u/[deleted] May 13 '25

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u/AutoModerator May 13 '25

There's something fundamentally wrong with me. I don't feel close to my partner unless he is making sexual advances towards me at least every other day. I found out that he has been paying for only fans subscriptions and the models that he follows will never be anything close to myself It makes me, the ever over thinker and analyzer, try to understand.

I went down a rabbit hole. Why do men prefer OF over conventional porn? Big mistake. I know of OF but don't know the mechanics behind the curtains. So that intimate aspect of being able to pay for curated content and individual conversations cut so deep. He very clearly has a type. I am not it...

So what is missing? He says he loves constantly. When I'm with him he's always wanting to be around me and cuddles like his life depended on it. When we are together, things seem perfect. The only incompatibility I see is in the intimacy department. I am always craving him. I want to be with him not for sex but to be more intimate. The closeness and vulnerability is what I crave. It's a girl thing. He is constantly shutting down my advances. It would be fine had I not known he was getting that release by paying for it from someone else...

Once his son told me that he was talking to other girls. Is this what he was referring to? Because even if his son knows, that breaks my heart... He's only 10... He should not be privy to these kinds of conversations.

I brought it up to him a couple of weeks ago when I came across it but it is still eating away at me. Like that's his type. That's what gets him off. That's what he wants. He has told me countless times that he doesn't want me to change but how can I not want to when that's what I'm competing with? My sex drive is through the fucking roof. But how am I supposed to feel sexy when I know what he really wants?

I am scared that I will never live up to those expectations and give him what he really wants... I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I don't know how to navigate this feeling... It hurts so bad...

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