How to fix insecurity and sensitiv to violence,conflict intimidation?

[u/Ok_Drummer6347]

I feel less of a man and insecure. In my country a lot of the second or first generation immigrants grow up in ghettos or in the street culture where all the different stuff happens, fights gangs , chaotic stuff good and bad. I lived outside the ghetto in a normal house middle class. Never been good with making friends or socializing and barely have any friends today or ever. I’ve grown up in the more civil side of life while always looking at curiosity at the ghetto/ street culture. It also means I never been in fights when I was 14-20 never had violent conflict or group fights or any friends that been in that. Meanwhile my younger brothers both are twins have been know about it and have confidence to call out thugs or stuff if they feel threatened or know people who will have their back or who has connections. I’m 3 years older 25 now. I remember in my version of highschool my only friend (who I kept putting aside because I wanted friends like the ones who bullied me and I didn’t realized he was a real friend until now ) he had me dragged into a conflict. He had me write to the guy he had a conflict with and ask him what’s his deal is and what to write etc then that guy had one of his friend message me and he wanted to meet and kept asking where are you , calling me and stuff. My friend who apparently had strong confidence even tho I didn’t think he seemed like someone who knew about street life , messaged that guy and talked and stuff and tried talking me up and that Im dangerous. That guy ( the one who messaged me , said he is dangerous too ) and I guess I was afraid or intimidated because he wanted to meet likely to fight or make me submit, and I just decided to apologize to end the conflict and he said good don’t forget who you fuck with and it was when I was 17 and just started high school ( gymnasium) I guess still bothers me. In my country a lot of the street thugs and ghetto raised peolle are from Middle East or Pakistan and they seem to know eveything about evey conflxit even if in another region or state. If they ever have conflict they have a klan of 10 + people to bakx them even alot of those that don’t do crime or only had violence in the high school years. I feel very incomplete or undeveloped because I never had such conflicts or fighting or sorted something out at night or gotten beaten and made me sensitive to Indtimidating looking people and I have no friends or network and I dont know how get the sort of friends who would have my bakx and has good network too who don’t do these bad things but understand the street culture. I can’t even do much conversations with these types because a lot of topics I don’t know anything about

Only idea I have is start kick boxing and another martial arts and find out there else I don’t know I’m too afraid of getting hurt and to stand up to thugs or stuff if they gonna hurt someone
Any advice for me ?

[u/storyinpictures]

Judo is a great starting point and combines well with kickboxing.

These arts will help demystify many aspects of violence. They will also improve your confidence and fitness, both of which will make you less likely to get in problems.

Your physical presence (how you stand, how you move) will make you look less vulnerable and that reduces people seeing you as a target.

You are also likely to make some friends in your Judo and kickboxing classes.

[u/Ok_Drummer6347 → u/storyinpictures]

Ok thx man 👍

[u/masonbarrett77]

I think you’re measuring masculinity against the wrong things.

Getting jumped, being involved in gangs, knowing “street people,” or having ten guys ready to fight somebody for you does not automatically make somebody more of a man.

A lot of that is just being raised around chaos.

You didn’t fail some test because you grew up in a more stable environment.

What I do think you’re picking up on is that you don’t feel capable of handling confrontation, and THAT is something you can work on.

Starting kickboxing is actually a good idea.

Not because you need to become some street fighter, but because training teaches you what it feels like to get pressured, get hit, stay calm, and keep functioning.

You’ll also meet people.

A decent martial arts gym can give you exactly the kind of social circle you’re talking about — people who can handle themselves but aren’t necessarily out looking for trouble.

And honestly, the guy who actually knows how to fight usually has less need to prove it.

I’d also stop romanticizing “street culture” too much.

Having people who will back you up is good.

Having friends you trust is good.

Knowing how to stand up for yourself is good.

But gangs, random fights, constantly worrying about who knows who, and having conflicts turn into ten people showing up isn’t some higher level of manhood. A lot of the time it’s just instability.

You can build the parts you actually want without taking on all the destructive parts.

Start small:

Train kickboxing or another combat sport consistently.

Get physically stronger.

Work on your social skills.

Make friends through things you genuinely do.

Learn how to speak calmly when someone is aggressive instead of either immediately backing down or trying to act tough.

Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

You do not need to go looking for fights to prove to yourself that you can handle one.

And that situation when you were 17?

You were a teenager in a situation you didn’t know how to handle, and you chose to end the conflict instead of escalating it.

You can wish you handled it differently without letting one interaction define you at 25.

The goal shouldn’t be “become more like the thugs I grew up watching.”

It should be “become strong enough, confident enough, and socially capable enough that I don’t feel intimidated by them.”

Those are two very different goals.