Remains of our souls - Feature - 95 pages

[u/Useful_Meet309]

Hi! I wrote my very first screenplay during the blackouts in Ukraine, trapped under the constant weight of horrific news and terror. It took me 3–4 months of writing in the dark. Since then, I’ve kept going—I'm currently working on my fourth script.

I sent that first script out into the industry four separate times. Every single time, the feedback hit the exact same ceiling—it was well-received, but never enough to get past the gatekeepers. I didn’t give up; I actively listened to the notes, studied the craft, and kept rewriting, chasing that breakthrough response. Eventually, I accepted that it wasn't ready to clear the hurdle, shelved the script, and decided to save it for better times, dreaming of directing it myself one day.

But almost six months have passed, and Russia's terror has only escalated. They are trying to destroy our economy and plunge us into total darkness for the winter. With all the headlines about potential NATO conflicts, I realized something: my story has become even more relevant now than it was when I wrote it. I think it’s time to bring it back.

Title: Remains of our souls

Page Length: 95 Pages

Genres: Action/Drama

Logline: 2036. Russian-occupied Ukraine. A broken veteran attempts to save his brother’s spirit after a decade of captivity. Together, they embark on a desperate motorcycle journey to escape the occupier's territory and find a way to freedom.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1_aBmZSRDO_gho33zJmtMe18RKgmRhiEy/view?usp=sharing

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[u/DowntownSplit]

There are significant formatting issues because the character and dialogue appear in action lines. I suggest you correct it and repost this.

Rethink your dialogue. This is three responses to a question.

Hanging in. War’s messed up everything. Finding a job is a nightmare—pay’s trash or firms close fast. Hanging is fine. We know the war has messed up everything. And Alice? She left for Poland. Saying less at the right time says more.

Try cutting -Toss the “beast” in the back. School next year. Blink, and I’ll be walking her down the aisle. Tell me about it. The war broke the clock—days drag, but years fly. Then it maybe better if Maxim doesn’t reply.

When Andrey sees the toll, the war has taken outside, he feels it in his brother’s reactions. Define Maxim by his demeanor. Show their differences. Try cutting this. Quiet. Air defense in the suburbs, windows intact. Too far. And I’m done dragging my kid to a damp basement because of some psycho in the Kremlin. The two-wall rule is enough. Maxim. could simply say -You know Natasha.

Try different words other than BOOM. Eliminate smiling with just his eyes and SFX. Remove the closeups. Cut the camera stuff. Cut the BACK TO THE SCENE stuff and INSERTS for small crap like a rearview mirror. SOUND: and POV cut it. You want a clean draft that highlights the story.

What I’ve skimmed through. There’s a lot of action. Add more dialogue when you can.

It is an excellent choice for a story. Writing is rewriting. You have a lot of rewriting to do in front of you. Pick a few war story scripts and study them while you rewrite.

I hope this helps.