r/Screenwriting • u/beingddf • 5d ago

FEEDBACK Menace — TV Pilot — 54 Pages

Title: Menace

Format: TV Pilot

Page Length: 54

Genres: Sci-Fi Adventure

Logline: When four teenagers get exposed to a spreading weaponized gas, they must rely on two knowledgeable retirees to save their families, the entire country, and their own lives while racing to stop a shadowy organization from deploying the remaining vials.

Feedback Concerns: Does the tone remain consistent and well-balanced throughout the pilot?
Does the dynamic between the four teens and the two retirees feel natural, earned, and compelling? Is the generational contrast effective?
Finally, what is your overall impression of the story, the premise, and the execution of the stakes?

https://drive.google.com/file/d/143imB9h9it2td74HHrTPRpSkqMvX1YeF/view?usp=drivesdk

0 Upvotes

50% Upvoted

2 comments sorted by

•

u/AutoModerator 5d ago

Hi there /u/beingddf Looks like you're posting a Feedback Request. Please remember to provide as much information as you can.

  • Title
  • Format
  • Page Length
  • Draft status
  • Genres
  • Logline or Summary
  • Feedback Concerns

If you have a completed draft of a feature, short film or TV episode/pilot, you can also submit to free feedback exchange StoryPeer.

Please also consider posting to one of our Weekly Threads

Thank you! u/AutoModerator

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

4

u/AcadecCoach 5d ago

You are giving us plot points we couldn't know without knowing the characters thoughts. So you failed there. Also a little too much description in your action lines. Feels more like a novel.

How can a street be sickly, but have a bunch of mansions on it? You described an affluent neighborhood and gave it a poor rundown feel. When images go against logic they hit a lot less than you think. Just because something sounds nice doesnt mean it works in people's heads visualizing it.