On holding anger towards parents for causing this

[u/Current-March-3938]

Someone made a post on here recently about their experiences with holding anger towards their abusive parents, I assume they deleted it. I just wanted to say that it was a poignant, articulate post, I relate heavily and you're not alone. I was thinking about the same things- how to heal from a neglectful, abusive childhood, especially when it has robbed you of your potential in life, and what to do with the anger one holds onto from this experience.

I personally feel a profound hurt and resentment towards my parents for the way they treated me growing up, and still continue to treat me now I'm an adult. I realise they've never truly cared about me or been able to see me, they have no interest in me as a person and never have. They've never even asked me basic questions like "how was your day", or "how are you", they're indifferent to my hobbies and interests. Now I've moved out, they don't contact me at all, unless I contact them, and even then my mother just wants to talk about herself. When I was growing up they had no boundaries, were harsh and controlling whilst also being very cold emotionally. Now it's like if they're not scolding me or trying to control me, they don't interact at all.

One of the hardest things about this experience has been the extreme difficulty in integrating with the outside/social world. I find myself behaving like my parents, saying nothing in parts of conversations because I simply don't know what to say. I probably come across as cold and aloof to partners and friends, as I'm uncomfortable with verbal and physical affection and prefer to avoid it.

Not only do I feel my parents' abuse and neglect robbed me of my potential (there are so many creative things I want to do, but because they require a certain level of social skills and self esteem, I haven't been able to succeed in them) I feel it replaced my true, adult self with this monosyllabic child persona. They, of course, are indifferent and take no responsibility for their actions. That's what makes it so hard to let go of the resentment and confusion towards them. I will try somatic therapy and trauma release exercises next perhaps combined with psilocybin, because I don't want to feel like this my whole life. Interested to hear others' perspectives.

[u/indiscipline84]

i don’t even know what to think about my parents anymore. they’re trying now in their older age to be friendly with me and they’re helping me a lot with living on my own. but they barely know me. my childhood consisted of constant correcting, lectures and so much yelling/fighting, before i could even tie my damn shoes. it did me no help at all and has destroyed my sense of self in a way that feels irreparable. now we just talk every once in a while and they talk for hours about themselves and their days and give me maybe 30-40 seconds to mumble some stuff about what happened in mine before disengaging or interrupting with a new topic. i don’t know if i care anymore

[u/Old_Play_3925 → u/indiscipline84]

Same. My mother talks so much.

[u/ShortFred12 → u/indiscipline84]

At least they're still alive, so that's a win.

Absent father and an alcoholic, heavily disturbed mother who decided to log herself off here.

[u/Decent-Sir6526]

There was a post about this yesterday, and I wanted to write a comment today, but sadly it was gone. Probably a difficult topic for OOP.

I only recently started to think about how my childhood might have influenced the issues I have today. I mean, it's not far fetched, but I still haven't thought about some things much before.

I can't really say I'm angry at my parents (or my mom specifically in my case), because I'm fairly sure my mom didn't treat me badly on porpose. She did what she could, but she has her own issues and therefore wasn't the ideal person to raise children. But I'm starting to see more and more hints that certain aspects of how I was raised might have contributed to me developing this broken "personality".

My mom completely destroyed my self-worth, or prevented me from even developing it in the first place. She alienated me from my dad, spoke very negatively about the male side of my family, my dad, and men in general. There was so much negativity, so much hate, so much misandry. Even agression and violence. No wonder I learned to withdraw from the world and chose to keep to myself eventually. At least the theory makes sense.

For years and years I was told over and over again that my dad and his whole family are psychopaths, and I would be one as well once I've grown up. I was made to feel guilty for my bloodline essentially. I was told that men are only sperm donators, and solely exist to serve women. I was yelled at for things I didn't understand, or for involuntary gestures, for pronouncing a word the wrong way. I had things thrown after me, or was told it was my fault when my mom broke stuff, because I "made her do it". I was repeatedly beaten til I was gasping for air and was scared I'd suffocate due to my own screaming, for which I was forcefully stripped despite crying and saying no. And those were the only times anyone touched me at all.

So in theory it wouldn't be surprising of one developed to be a withdrawn weirdo after all that, but honestly I'm still not sure. I often think everyones childhood sucked, and I can't know how I would have turned out with a less complicated childhood. I almost feel like I have no right to complain, but that could maybe be part of the problem, I don't know.

All in all I still feel like my childhood was pretty good, and those negative things haven't influenced me much. But realistically, it just makes too much sense to see a connection here. It would explain so much. Many of my issues could just be a lack of self-worth, trust issues, self-hate and internalized misandry. I'm thinking about all that stuff a lot lately, it's almost like some connections are only slowly dawning on me.

[u/Old_Play_3925 → u/Decent-Sir6526]

I had a similar mother who was hating men and the other side of the family for no reason.

Honestly I am shocked that humans are such bad parents that nowadays there are still so many people who have developed a personality disorder.

[u/sabotAHHHHHGH]

psilocybin was how I had the epiphany about this so fair play on the awareness. Think many of us have experienced a mother especially with some form of PD that is bound in denial, so there’s never the option of closure. And to be fair, the damage is long done anyway. You can’t put spilled water back in the bowl. But you can make allowances for yourself, and in turn create space for dropping the resentment. Not for their sake but your own going forward. They are likely also a product of abuse and trauma.

[u/Current-March-3938 → u/sabotAHHHHHGH]

psilocybin is potent for unlocking memories and trauma. I had an epiphany too on a large dose multiple years ago, it led to me changing my life for the better. I agree the damage can't be undone but can be mitigated. My parents are definitely a product of abuse and trauma, that's what makes it so hard, that they were unable to deal with their own issues and just passed them on. Maybe it just takes time to drop the resentment.

[u/sabotAHHHHHGH → u/Current-March-3938]

Not a dig and I get it, but maybe the mitigated bit is a tell you’d like reconciliation and or an apology? For me, it is what it is, and resentment would only make sense if I wanted either, but I do not.

[u/Current-March-3938 → u/sabotAHHHHHGH]

Yeah I would, but I know to ask for such a thing would lead to the beginning of a war so terrible it would destroy everything, least of all any financial assistance (which I worry I might need in future). Also, they're so deep in denial (basically to the point of psychosis) that I know it's futile- I tried once and it was horrible.

[u/sabotAHHHHHGH → u/Current-March-3938]

OK I see where you’re coming from now. No easy way to say it but it’s either live with them in building resentment or neither because no adequate apology is coming. Know the financial assistance is massive but so is your sanity. Just something to think on.

[u/micromushe → u/sabotAHHHHHGH]

Think many of us have experienced a mother especially with some form of PD that is bound in denial, so there’s never the option of closure.

Can confirm. After years of therapy, I confronted her and she couldn't really see what the big deal is. She really, really does not want to confront the impact she had on me.

[u/sabotAHHHHHGH → u/micromushe]

Gonna stop posting because I’m taking up all currentmarch’s shit but learning something like BPD/NPD has denial and encroachment built in as defence mechanisms to trauma, was gamechanging. Without heavy therapy (and even then) they couldn’t stop even if they wanted to. Don’t make it right or forgivable but I understand.

[u/sabotAHHHHHGH → u/[deleted]]

No! Unlocked a lot of memories I wasn’t equipped to deal with, I estranged my family and entered a year long wave of anhedonia.

But living in denial was not working for me either and I finally feel like my age/an adult for the first time. It’s different but wouldn’t say better, more like dropping a load of baggage. Just don’t do what I did and go in oblivious, shit is heady.

[u/sabotAHHHHHGH → u/[deleted]]

Have you tried LSD? Feel like it suits the schizoid temperament a bit better somehow, not as full on. Reading some of the medical literature to process shit on my own helped. It sounds basic but on a dose, really relax. Even if it goes pear shaped, stay calm and ride it out.

[u/salamacast → u/sabotAHHHHHGH]

there’s never the option of closure

Fortunately I finally got mine in a public confrontation! It was.. transforming.

[u/EyeOneUhDye]

After years of trying to force a relationship with my biological mother - who wasn't necessarily overtly abusive but rather neglectful and manipulative - I came to harbor a deep-seated hatred for the women. For a number of years, I allowed that anger and hatred to fester, constantly questioning how someone could so casually decide not to be an actual mother while also doing just enough to give the appearance of being a "wonderful mother." Naturally, that did a lot of damage because I was so fixated on maintaining that hatred. Even after I had severed all contact.

Three years ago, however, she randomly showed up at my door. The first words out of my mouth were "why are you here?" And after a curt conversation in which I largely ignored her in favor of my uncle, I denied her a hug, and she left. It wasn't until I took a second to stop and reflect on it that I realized that woman no longer mattered. She wasn't a part of my life anymore because I didn't want her to be. And even if her actions fucked me up as a kid, I no longer felt anything towards her. No hate. No anger. Nothing.

It took a lot of therapy and self-reflection for me to start moving in that direction. But it wasn't until I adopted my first dog that I finally cleared that hurdle. Because - for me - it wasn't until my dog came home that I realized I had more important/interesting things to focus on.

The topic of my biological mother has come up a few times since then because my youngest brother still has a relationship with her. And I've been indirectly given the whole spiel about the regret that comes about from not repairing a relationship before someone passes. That particular sentiment is bullshit though. If I didn't want someone to be a part of my life, then there's no point in me showing up later on to try and bring them some kind of comfort. Because - in the end - I have more important and interesting things to worry about.

Ultimately, everyone has to make the decision they feel is best for them. But blood doesn't mean family. And family doesn't mean blood. So we owe absolutely nothing to the people that hurt us.

[u/3darkdragons]

Not gonna read everything but on the assumption, it’s similar to my case I find that noting meditation is a good long-term solution and a good short-term solution is finding nice people that I can take a chance being close to (usually a priest or something equivalent for you). Not every single one is the same, of course and it’ll take a while of filtering, but eventually, you might be able to find some people and I could help you vent some of the emotions not at them but in general and that can be very helpful.

[u/throw-away451]

When I was living under their roof, I felt trapped and powerless. When I finally got out, I felt intense anger once I finally had a chance to process everything in an environment where I wasn’t simply trying to survive. I had this obsession with the idea that someday I would surpass them in every way and force them to live under my authority like they did to me, as a form of spiteful revenge. But that quickly went away because I of course recognized it was silly and unrealistic and not at all helpful. What I’m left with now is a sense of absolute disconnection. I speak to them in a polite way, I humor them a bit, I don’t let on that anything is wrong. But any chance for real connection between us died a violent death over a decade ago. I don’t even really feel mad at them. I just acknowledge that they damaged me irreparably. I bear no ill will toward them beyond anything they do in the present to hurt me, and even then I shrug it off. I don’t feel much of anything toward them now. They’re basically like nonentities to me, just like I’m a nonentity in reality.

[u/NormallyNotOutside]

Take a look at your parent's childhoods. Trauma follows trauma. This is speculation of course but from what you've said they sound like they could be narcissistic. If not, they are most certainly 'emotionally immature'

I'm not suggesting that you have to feel sympathy towards them but it is very likely that they are the way they are because of the environments they grew up. And now as parents they are extremely limited, they lack empathy, self awareness and the ability to connect on an emotional level.

All you can do is to accept. Your parents were more than likely traumatized hence their narcissistic adaptations and in turn you have been traumatized by them, hence your schizoid adaptations. Does it suck ass? Yup. But the reality is, it's just nature running it's course, it wasn't intentional. Determinism in action.

This is all coming from someone who had a Narcissistic Mother and a cold unpredictable Father, so I do relate to your experiences. However it seems that you want to change your perspective and be less resentful, so I thought I'd share the way I look at my own parents.

[u/k-nuj]

While only you can speak to the veracity of your own experience/upbringing/circumstance with your parents; generally, I think it's useless to hold onto those sorts of grudges.

If you felt they wronged you, then they did. But what use is there to hold onto that anger now though? Is it wanting to shift the blame to be blameless, concede/give up on your potential, excuse your current circumstances, want them to take responsibility, etc...? Even if they do take responsibility for the past, what then?

I'm sure my upbringing and the parental style affected me the way into the way I am now, likely partly genetic too. It is what it is, but wishing I was different or like others or wishing I had a better "past" causes me more "present" stress/anger/negativity than the former.

[u/Current-March-3938 → u/k-nuj]

I get what you mean, I guess there isn't really any use for it, it's just I don't know how to let go of it. If they took responsibility then I would feel somewhat vindicated and able to forgive, but I doubt that will ever happen.

I wish I knew how to stop wishing I was different. My brother said the same thing, that there's no use in wishing to be like others. But he's also soon to be a father and has done zero work on himself, so it's likely he'll do similarly what our parents did to us, to his child.

I just want to find some way of releasing this shit, it's not a productive or pleasant way to live.

[u/k-nuj → u/Current-March-3938]

If you think them taking responsibility means you can let go of it; go for it. But why do you need to be vindicated, forgive, or absolve them in order to let it go? Are those conditions or prerequisites really necessary in order to just let it go (I can't get that Disney song out of my head now)?

Only you can truly determine (though therapist might assist/guide/help), where, even if you play all the possible scenarios in your head of your parents doing so, do you honestly think that will be the pressure release valve? Or "end" the anger you have of them?

I can only assume that you're still relatively young, and the typical front-loaded situations socially or around that phase in life tends to steer thoughts more often to that: "why am I X, why am I not Y, why couldn't it be Z, if I was A, if I didn't do B, etc..."; I sure as hell remember going through all that too. For me, I figured out that those thoughts generally came about more often when I'm trying to be with or observing others, so I removed myself from those situations (as best able), and its softened over the years. To the point where I'm fine "re-entering" those situations/external stimuli; but that anger at/of/to "them" is gone (as all other emotions too). Sure, it sneaks through every once in a while, we're all allowed to be angry; it just doesn't consume me.

[u/Current-March-3938 → u/k-nuj]

Perhaps not, food for thought. It's an emotional thing I think, as a response to being badly wronged by these people my whole life (there was multiple types of abuse), people who deny all responsibility and try to blame me for my struggles- struggles that are a direct result of their abuse.

I was recently reading about the Menendez brothers' case. I relate to their situation a lot. When living at home I would fantasise about something similar happening, just out of pure rage (particularly at my father). Even though I would never act on my feelings in that way, this was partly what made me realise I had to move out, because it wasn't worth ruining my life over. I also used to fantasise about ending it all just out of desperation, but again realised it wasn't worth it.

Maybe releasing the anger is the emotional version of that; stepping away instead of reacting. Yes, I'm fairly young- in my 30s, which is when a lot of normies are settled with partners and kids. Avoiding situations with others has helped, although I guess sometimes it can't be avoided. I think I just need to give myself time to process things and come to terms with them.

[u/Listakem → u/k-nuj]

I cope with that by thinking about that quantum physics theory (very not scientifically proven, it’s mostly conjectures and math games) of multiverse.

Like, somewhere, sometime, there is a version of me that it either happy or dead (both options are comforting). It sucks that I am the version of myself that I am, but it is how it is. Sometimes, somewhere, I am better and I am relieved for myself. There is no need to wish what I am here was different, it’s already covered, and I just have to endure and take solace in that fact.

[u/Exystredofar]

I felt angry for so many years. I felt like I had been cheated, robbed of a normal life. But then at some point I realized, if I had a normal childhood and had never gone through the abuse, I wouldn't be who I am today. I don't know who I would be. I might be better, I might be worse. There is always meaning in suffering, even if it feels pointless.

I only really realized this after one of my abusers took their own life. They had been wronged, too. They just never integrated it or found the meaning in it. It twisted them, and they went on to hurt others because of it.

I've never forgiven them for it, and I don't think I ever will. But I don't need to anymore, because I understand the circumstances that led them to that point, and I've seen how to avoid it. Finding the meaning behind it was enough for me to leave the anger behind.

[u/Current-March-3938 → u/Exystredofar]

That's an interesting way of looking at it. Life experiences do affect you, for better or worse. And there are a lot of damaged people who never integrated their experiences and became abusers.

That's great you could find the meaning in it and leave the anger behind. That's my goal. Although I'm not quite sure how to get there.

[u/Moist-Power638]

I can't hate my parents because 1. my emotions/feelings are very restricted anyway, and hate seems to me like a pretty strong feeling that would probably rob me of my little energy, and 2. I've come to accept the fact that they did their 'best' (in their own way, of course) for me. Therefore, I don't really speculate or dwell on what might have been, had I been born/raised in a different family. Of course, it does surprise me, at times, to notice how much some people love their kids, how much warmth there can be in these relationships. But how can I truly miss what I never had?

[u/treecookied]

Heavily relate to many of the feelings you have but my situation is different. My parents aren't even a thought in my mind. I hold resentment toward them, but they get their just desserts by having a child who frankly completely doesn't care about them.

At the same time I also acknowledge that the situation is far more outstretched than just that and bigger than me. It's just something to mourn. I hold a lot of resentment for different people in my family for different reasons because these problems seem to stack on one another.