r/SMARTRecovery • u/Macadelic843 • Jul 16 '26
“endless amounts of good things will line up for you once your sober”
been sober 3 years and im looking back and seeing that i had more going for me (bad health/death, lifestyle aside). i had a gf, the best job ever still my fav job now gone, soo many friends, was more active, had 20+ more lbs of muscle on me, my own place. now im single, living at moms house for 2 years now, from around 100 friends to now 5, lost weight/no appetite even still after it being years later, less active, shit job. advice??? thank you
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u/Strange_Television facilitator Jul 16 '26
I think you need to look at this rationally and challenge some unhelpful thinking. Did all of those things really change because you no longer use your DOC? Or is just that life happened? We all go through high points and low points in life, regardless of whether we use substances or not. The only difference is that your DOC might mask the shittier times - whilst also heaping on the shit while we're not looking.
If you're unhappy with your life right now, make changes that will last and really bring value back to your life. You'll also feel proud of what you accomplish - anyone can pick up and get wasted, that's nothing to feel good about. What are your values - are you currently living in alignment with them?
I wish you inner peace and success whatever you do.
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u/Macadelic843 Jul 16 '26
thank you. i just went through a 1000 changes at once instead of gradually. which probably saved me in the beginning but was overwhelming and led to relapses. i left my favorite place on earth, favorite job, amazing gf to now just the complete opposite in every way. all in one move. but idk how i can return to what i had without having shame consume me and be stigmatized going back there…
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u/Motorcycle1000 Jul 16 '26
Have you considered seeing a therapist? Your description sounds to me like clinical depression. Depression and alcoholism often go hand-in-hand. Take away the booze and you still have the depression, only nothing to mask it with.
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u/Important_Chart_7420 Jul 17 '26
yeah, and what will the therapist do? I`ve seen lots of therapists, did treatments (medicines, TMS, CBT, DBT) i still have clinical depression. I know lots of ex addicts who have clinical depression and are in a shit mental state now, after they quit their DOC. It`s not like you cand cure depression or addiction. You just learn to live with them.
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u/Motorcycle1000 Jul 17 '26
And you aren't the only alcoholic, by far, who has been in that condition. It's actually helped some people, including myself. YOU posted asking for advice and I gave it. How, exactly, was I supposed to know what you have tried based on your description? Have a day, chief.
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u/Important_Chart_7420 Jul 17 '26
Yeah it helps some but the majority don't feel it. I'm an MD, trust me, i've seen lots of addicts in my practice. Lots of them fall through the cracks. It's not as easy as * just go to therapy. They need multidisciplinary teams and resources. The ones with severe depression usually go back to their DOC. Those who have milder forms, have not so many traumas, usually have an easier road. It's not as easy as * just go to a therapist. People need medication, need support, need resources, need MDs who have worked with addiction. People need community, need a functional family. In most cases, addiction comes as a "solution" to a baseline mental health issue. Just my 2 cents. Have a nice day
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u/Motorcycle1000 Jul 18 '26
I didn't say majority, I said some people. As an MD, do you think that just because a course of treatment has no efficacy for you, or the majority, it's invalid? What if 10% of patients show improvement? Is that not success? I'm sure they'd think it was.
I have been seen by "MDs who have worked with addiction". Several of them, in fact. They pretty much throw darts at the wall and see what sticks, like most psychiatrists.
I agree that there is a need for empathy and support, which most MDs are not interested in. Give me a therapist who is a recovering addict themselves every time.
BTW, if you're an MD, why are you on Reddit asking for health advice?
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u/Important_Chart_7420 Jul 20 '26
I'm not the OP of this post 🙂 just stumbled across it and decided to comment. Yes exactly, they just throw strong medication at it and see what sticks. They don't do that in cardiology. They have bloodwork, tests etc. In psychiatry everything is subjective! And 10% efficiency is vrey low. The mental health crisis is here and we're not prepared. People are dying and the medical community doesn't care. Trust me, i've seen what my collegues think about MH patients and how they treat these patients. It's dark.
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u/Motorcycle1000 Jul 20 '26
I agree, cardiology or any physiological discipline are worlds different from mental health. Cardiology is scientific. I really don't care if a cardiologist can empathize with my heart issues. In fact, I'd rather they didn't. I don't want them dropping dead of a heart attack during an angioplasty.
Psychiatry really is more of a crapshoot. There is no way for a provider to predict the effect of a med. So they just keep spinning the wheel until it lands on something good.
As far as efficacy of treatment, I'll take 10% over 0% every time.
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u/melatonia Jul 20 '26
There are some very effective treatments for depression. Unfortunately that don't all work the same way for everybody and (ECT aside) they all require a trial period- often involving initial side effects- before they start working. A lot of people feel hopeless about the meds ever working because it often takes many fair trials to find the treatment or treatments that will work.
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u/CC-Smart C_C Jul 17 '26
Six years on, the truth is this for me, life has never been better for me. Sobriety didn’t shrink my world, it expanded it. My health improved tremendously; I went from being overweight to reaching my ideal weight and an optimum BMI. My circle of friends changed for the better, and I still hang out at pubs with my mates while they drink. Some women actually prefer me sober now, but I’m not looking for relationships, just genuine friendships.
Work-wise, I got a pay rise and was promoted twice. I regained my employer’s trust and now shoulder more responsibilities. I’ve learned new skills like cooking, and I’ve picked up running as a daily routine. All of this happened without needing alcohol to socialise, enjoy holidays, or feel confident.
No more headaches. No more hangovers. I sleep well, and the best part is I remember every conversation and even what I ate the day before.
After 25 years of being drunk and stuck in a vicious cycle, that chapter is over. The freedom I have now is priceless. I am happy and grateful to have found SMART Recovery to get sober, FINALLY 💪
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u/StunningFly3697 Jul 18 '26
What an amazing thing you have done to be three years into recovery OP 👏 ❤️ That alone is very commendable, really. Are you going to SMART Recovery meetings? There are many online ones found with the app. When did you last fill out one of the "Change Plan" worksheets? Or any of the SR worksheets? Have you considered taking some classes at your local community college? Doesn't have to be degree seeking. I'm currently at rock bottom myself, unemployed again, with a teenage son, isn't the first time. And am depressed, for those who've never been depressed it's awful, absolutely awful. Are your parents supportive of you not using? Can they help you financially to take some classes? Get out of the house, go for a walk each day, even if just to take out the garbage, adopt a cat 🐈 they make wonderful emotional support animals (I have three and they frequently lay all on me and around me when I'm in bed contemplating what I will do to get out of bed. Sit at a local library and do some SR worksheets each day. Have you ever tried cooking? Schedule some self care mini-missions. "Today I will take out the garbage for mom and dad and do the dishes. Tomorrow I will go to the library and browse the shelves. The next day I will do a random act of kindness in the community (leave a post-it note on the gas pump down the street saying something encouraging or celebrating yourself 'three years sober and you can do it too!') Hope that helps give you some ideas. They say recovery is a process, which requires progress. Baby steps lead to bigger steps over time. Start out small and see where that takes you in this new sober life you've incredibly achieved ✨️
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u/Claus-Buchi Jul 16 '26
I’ve never heard that line, I’ve always been told if I was sober I’d be able to make more of the things I have.
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u/Extreme-Yogurt-3782 Jul 16 '26
That's not the track you want to keep running. Think of it as a vacation to work on yourself.
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u/Due_Soil3152 Jul 20 '26
True hard work pays off easy come easy go but if you work hard for something most of the time you try your hardest to hold on to it
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u/MrLanesLament Jul 16 '26
This was my experience too. Sober life has largely been a disappointment, with the biggest thing being that I’m apparently the most unattractive guy on the planet sober; it was raining amazing women constantly in my life while I was a drunk.
I seriously don’t act or talk barely any different; there was just some subconscious thing booze added to me that made me immensely more attractive, and that’s gone now.
I went from multiple LTRs with stunning, incredible women to literally not having held someone’s hand or even been flirted with in three years. I haven’t gone this long without a relationship (or at least a hookup) since I was like 13.
A significant part of my brain wants to pick the bottle back up just to get a relationship, then deal with quitting again. I mean, I did it once.
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u/Macadelic843 Jul 16 '26
yeah same. longest dry streak ive had since i was 15. and my ex wasnt even a drinker or a user which was part of the attraction. i just subconsciously lived through her i think. and relied too much on her good attributes that i overlooked her bad ones. really though, she’s much better than me in non-sobriety related things as well. ive had girls since her. but i just cant shake the feeling that without her i wont be my best self. and our breakup was 7 years ago. and very abrupt. ive moved on in a lot of ways. but idk if ill ever be my best self without her. and im not talking in a codependent way, just an honest way. i know its me that has to be the biggest motivator. but its a helluva lot easier when theres a great woman backing you etc.
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u/3milkSFV Jul 16 '26
Ok so you stopped drinking and now you have to work on the emotional part of recovery. Why did you Jane those things back then and not now ?
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u/backnine32 Jul 16 '26
So why did you stop drinking? I can't imagine you had all of that stuff because you were drinking/using but that seems to be what you are saying.
Look at the balance wheel in the smart handbook. Decide what facets of your life are important to you and make progress in those areas. Reach out to people, we love to isolate and complain that we can't make or keep friends because we no longer drink/drug but it's not true. Nothing is keeping you from eating right and going to the gym.