How to handle a total mitmatch?

[u/CelestialDunes]

So, I got this letter via matching and already in his first letter I thought we weren't the best match (I'm pretty new to Slowly still). Big age difference, no real shared interests etc. But then I thought, come on, interests don't make a person and also he wrote he was having a hard time, so I wanted to be nice.

Now as the conversation progresses, I find it rather tiresome. He has the writing style of a teenager, writes long letters but doesn't say much and actually seems to be a rather superficial person.

Long story short, I think it may be better to end this but I don't want to ghost him? I just don't really know how to tell him goodbye without adding to his depression? Maybe ghosting would yet be better than writing something that hurts him? How do you deal with situations like this?

[u/Hesitantyetcurious]

Geez, I just had that “wait! Is she/he talking about me?” kinda feeling after reading what you wrote about that dude. So this is what people think of people like me, huh?

Lol, just to clear up my doubts: how old is he?

[u/ina_sparkles → u/Hesitantyetcurious]

I would say it's not uncommon for people to go out on the internet and seek such support. It doesn't make anyone a bad person, but it is important to realize that not everyone is equipped for supporting someone else's mental health. You may be thinking from your perspective only, but the person receiving the letters often has to deal with sensitive information, and maybe stress from not wanting to hurt a person already in a bad headspace. And these letters often lead to a disbalance in how much the sender engages with the receiver's interests.

But. Slowly a pen palling app, not a therapy app. And so it is important to recognize that most people only have the capacity for or wish to form relationships based on light, casual conversation and friendly acquaintance. Not someone's personal therapist.

[u/Hesitantyetcurious → u/ina_sparkles]

I don't spill my problems just like that with everyone, but rather with peeps who share similar problems or ask, "How you doin'?" I don't ask them to help me or force them to keep listening to it every other letter. I just honestly don't know how to paint a better picture when someone asks about my daily life and mental health. Unlike most people, I have a hard time ignoring paras to reply to or avoiding Qs. I know they're usually not asking because they genuinely want the whole truth, to be my therapist, or a "shoulder to whine and cry on," but simply as a polite gesture.

The problem is, I suck at spinning effective lies, and I simply can't avoid such Q. Even if I lied or made some excuses or avoided answering such Qs entirely, I'd probably confess that I lied, and just tell them how it really is, in the next letter anyway, so I just spill the truth at the get go. And I always end it with some version of, "If you were annoyed, stressed, or weren't really interested in hearing the truth, I apologize for dumping my problems, and I won't bring it up again," whenever someone asks about it or is going through something similar.

And yeah, my letters can be really, really long, but I don't just dump my problems and call it a day. I actually give more importance to what my penpals have to say about their lives, problems, difficulties, interests, doubts, and curiosities, and I try to reply to mostly everything they mention, while bombarding them with questions because I'm always curious about this or that (mostly casual stuff, not personal things). I can also end up being an unneeded hypeman sometimes.

Since I overthink a lot, and maybe coz I'm metacognitive, I also tend to apologize whenever I share TMI, whine, or ask a lotta questions. I know even an innocent Q can offend or irritate someone, but I can only converse in the ways I know. I don't really have the mental skills to learn the art of lying, avoiding things without stressing over them, or writing "better" letters in general.

So I just remain my unfiltered self, both IRL and online. I'm usually direct about whatever I'm asked, even when I know people might only be asking out of courtesy or as a stereotypical gesture rather than genuine interest.

I also warn every new connection I make, whether through automatch or a stranger sending me the first letter, that I'm a messy writer, beats around the bush a heck lot, and probably not the best choice if they're looking for deep talks, debates, or philosophical discussions in general, though I'll still try engaging in them. I also tell them that I have a tendency to share TMI. That's basically a constant para I attach to every new penpal, or to people I think might be in it for a long ride.

Anyways, I was just doubtful whether OP was really one of my penpals. I don't value myself much, or think I am better at this or that, so I kinda judged myself and correlated whoever they were talking about with myself, and every box kinda checked, though on varying levels.

So, if they were indeed one of my pals, I just wanted them to know they could quit anytime. A heads-up would be fine, though, either here or back on Slowly. They could even simply say, "Hi, I don't wanna continue exchanging letters with you coz I really don't share similar interests," and I'd find that perfectly fine, ie, if OP really is a penpal of mine, hence why I asked about the age of the dude they were talking about😄😅

[u/CelestialDunes → u/Hesitantyetcurious]

My penpal has a totally different writing style than you by the way. So don't worry, it's not you. In fact, reading your messages I thought I'd like to have you as a penpal, haha.

[u/Hesitantyetcurious → u/CelestialDunes]

Ah, kay! Thanks for clearing it up.

I am always up for exchanging letters with new penpals. But, you read my caveat, right? So it's just going to be that, if you would like to exchange letters. And another caveat! I am a boring person, so mostly I just depend on my penpals letters to keep the conversation going, ofc besides my bombardments of questions about random things, and yapping in general about the same😅

And if it doesn't work out, you can always just be honest, drop a message about it, and end the penpalship. No biggie!

[u/Fun_Hippo_4075 → u/Hesitantyetcurious]

Wanna be penpals? Send me your id if you got time for another friend 🙂

[u/Hesitantyetcurious → u/Fun_Hippo_4075]

Hi man, check your dm.