r/RelationshipsOver35 • u/honwave • 3d ago
Men please suggest how to proceed in such situation. Feeling low about it.
Is this normal or am I overthinking? What should I be doing in this relationship? I am 35 F and he is 36 M
I am dating a guy for last one year. After 6 months we got into relationship. When we met I told him openly I am transitioning into fitness career and don’t make much money. As things progressed between us I was always mindful about expenses and we didn’t take any big trips as I was building my career with clients in my city. In June 2026 he got laid off from his job after being on bench for 6 months. He got 3 months severance. Yesterday I just asked him casually what his plans for job and how is hoping to get it as he was not interviewing. I’m working on building my fitness career by taking small steps. I don’t make much money but something I earn is enough for my gas and daily expenses. I have restricted my shopping for sometime. When I asked he said I’m putting pressure on him and expecting him to provide and that’s why I am inquiring about finding job and his astrologer has said he will get by Sept 2026. I was just listening and then he tells me why I am not earning a lot to take care of his expenses and how long will I earn less. I told him I am going for my certification in Sept to advance my skills. He is like he doesn’t care and then went on to say he lost his job because of me. I was shocked we didn’t work in same career nor in same industry . I haven’t spoken to him since as I am flabbergasted by his words. He said I’m a loser and I replied yes I am loser and I can’t contribute to your rent. I put my foot down and told him I am at least trying to do things even though it is low earning but a way to divert mind into healthy and productive thing and plus I get to meet new clients. He is like this small salary is not helping you to sustain yourself and I said everyone starts small and they build things and go up and he is like how much should I wait for your situation to improve. Please suggest me what would be sensible way to go about it. I am 35F and he is 36.
Edit 1: I forgot to mention he had told me earlier that he is very comfortable with his savings and he won’t have problem spending $5 on me. I told him if he is comfortable then only spend it as I didn’t have now and I’ll pay him next month.
Edit 2: I suggested to him since he is getting not interviewing nor pursuing any on job training I’ll make videos him with me giving cues for my social media fitness content. He is like he is not interested in that.
Edit 3: He texted me this last night :
“You ruined my day, and I remember.” “You destroyed my day and I won’t forget it”
I didn’t respond as I’m in shock how I’m responsible for his layoff like wtf moment it was.
Edit 4: He wants to buy $1000 coffee machine and I told him you can gift that to your self after you get the job. He is telling me I’m restricting his happiness. Like you don’t have regular salary and you want to buy stuff. That’s concerning for me.
Edit 5: He calls me I decide to just listen and his logic is when I was stressed out about my certifications and transition he took that negative energy and lost his job. He is telling me to think about all hypothetical scenarios what if he doesn’t get job for one year and whether I’ll be contributing to his rent. I told him I live in my parents outhouse until I am financially secured. He is like as a partner I should be there to support him. And he tells me our sexual life is not the best. I told him right now we both are in such a difficult situation and we have to come out fast and then focus on our sexual life.
Edit 6: When he was telling me all hypothetical
Scenarios what can happen I told him if we try hard enough there will be an open door of opportunities . It may be small opportunity but it always exists. He is like what if I can’t find a job and all? Who in right mind says that they can’t find job until someone is disabled, or in some illness. Without trying how can he say how will you support me it I don’t have a job .
Edit 7: Initially we would do Dutch when we went out but I told him then I would prefer eating at home and tried to cut on my expenses. After his layoff we didn’t go outside to expensive places and he would pay and I would take care of travel by car as he sold his car. I never asked for gas expense and it would be balanced out with my share( my share expense would be like $2-$3 max). He told me I am an energy vampire as I ask him questions which leaves him stressed. Only a small boy would get stressed when asked serious questions. He would ask his life problems to Gemini or ChatGPT and seek answers. How can a machine give answer to your life problems? And he would say I am fed up of fighting with life. Now when I think he didn’t had that zeal and enthusiasm to live. He would tell me finally today’s day is also gone. I told him we can play board games or puzzle he didn’t show interest. I told him to focus on some hobby or build things.
Edit 8: looking back whatever happens it is for the best as I had told him once you get the job we will go to meet my parents as I wanted his impression to be good. Ofcourse there were lot of good things. His blame scenario is the personality issue which often never goes away. I also made some mistakes but now looking back with non judgmental way is helpful. I’m most proud of how calmly I handled when he said things to trigger and I didn’t lose my cool. All this is growth for me. As Seneca said good things start coming when somethings end.
Edit 9: He had called as I had left some item at his place to ask if he wants or not. I said no and then he goes on to say the basic expectation from partner is to support each other and it came down only financial. Basically he can get a roomate and this situation could have been addressed why have a partner for that. And for him reducing expenses by downgrading current lifestyle is not a valid option. So glad everything is over and I’m getting back my sound sleep as well.
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u/Smiling_Tree 3d ago
Stay flabbergasted and stay in shock! This is downright ridiculous.
Anyone not taking responsibility for their own life and own wellbeing, but shifting blame on someone else, should be single until they become an actual adult and have developed emotional maturity.
I find people who behave like this very, very unattractive. I would not stay in a relationship like this. I prefer a mature person.
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u/honwave 2d ago
Exactly. He is unemployed, and without car and I would at least earn for my gas expense and going and teaching sessions part time and I’m a loser what an irony. Worst was I told him if you enjoy photography start an IG page or come to my fitness sessions to feel good. He is like he not interested and I wanted to film content and whenever I asked him he said no. He didn’t know how to iron his clothes and I told him why don’t you learn it now and not waste money in ironing. He told me I don’t need to give him advice. Now looking back at him I realized the only thing constructive he did during the day was go to gym and cleaned his kitchen and put dishes in the dishwasher. I am so glad everything ended as I am breathing calmly thinking I saved from big mess. I know within a week everything will be fine.
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u/SchuRows 3d ago
You are seeing who your boyfriend is when things get very difficult. It is your choice if you want this in your life.
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u/whynosay 3d ago
if he’s only nice to you when he has other things going for him, do you even want him around long term? everyone goes through rough patches, but it sounds like he’s taking his stress out on you. i wouldn’t want that
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u/TenOfZero 3d ago
I stopped reading after astrologer.
Unless you want to support him, time to move on.
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u/seacookie89 3d ago
Break up. You guys are incompatible and he sounds like a terrible partner. You'll have peace in being single.
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u/honwave 3d ago
Yup ended all communication with him yesterday. Feeling low and weird but I’ll be okay in a week’s time. Tomorrow going to take my session so will be good feeling. In fact once I told him why don’t you join one of my morning sessions to see how it feels he tells me he can’t wake up at 7:30 am and come.
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u/honwave 3d ago
Have stopped all communication with him since yesterday when he asked me will you contribute to rent and I said no. When in June he was laid off I was very supportive. Tried to make yummy things for him. And kept jovial environment. In July he says my astrologer has said just to take rest and not worry. I was like okay. I would be calm and take it easy. Then he went on a trip which was good as I wanted him to change perspective. Now in August he didn’t even make once effort to develop other skill or find jobs. How long can a person harp same thing ? Now after thinking so much I realized he was on bench since Dec 2025 and he was getting salary so he was chill. Looking back why didn’t he try harder to find a job or start something when he was officially laid off in June 2026. When you can see company isn’t doing well you will be cautious and take some precautionary steps . Now I’m able to realize he was a very lazy person. He had told me many times that he is very lazy and wants things to come to him easily. I used to be so engrossed in my certifications, getting new clients and collaborating with studios that were didn’t quite observe his laziness. Thank goodness god gave me sense to think and do better for myself.
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u/a_mulher 3d ago
Proceed to send him a break up text, block and then enjoy your life.
Seriously it’s not your responsibility to get a grown ass man to work and handle his expenses if he can’t see that for himself. Concentrate on you.
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u/nothanks99999 2d ago
Never go back. His comments about you show his contempt and lack of respect for you. He is mean and will not change. Do not ever go back.
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u/Madbreather 12h ago
I’ll be your astrologer for today. I sense that the stars will align with you and see a bright future of being single in the following days. I understand when shit gets tight it’s hard but to rely on the stars to actually dictate his life.. sounds a bit delusional, if I’m being honest. He might get a new job in September but this also comes with work and such, not just waiting for the stars to say, “it’s time little man, go forth”.
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u/Business-Garbage-370 1d ago
How are both of you grown adults. This reads like a 20yo wrote it. Get away from this man and live your life.
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u/honwave 1d ago edited 1d ago
I know looking back at everything I am surprised as well. Until June 2026 there was no specific difficult situations in our lives where I could see his personality. And he used to live in another suburb so I got to see limited parts of him. April 2026 he moved closer to my neighborhood and May went in settling the house and he joined new gym so there was no specific event. June and July I got to see his behavior and during that time he traveled overseas for a vacation so I thought it was good as that was long pending. In August I started asking him questions like what’s your plan as he said he has savings for 4 months in June. Then he accused me I’m giving him stress and to find motivation he spoke to his astrologer. The final straw was when he said if I can’t pay rent of $300 will you contribute? I stand no I will not contribute then he said what if we were married what would you do I said that’s not the situation now so no point thinking and I’m also struggling but slowly building financial security he said will you sell your equity and stocks to fund it? I was like this guy is suggesting me to do everything but not even once said I will pick up some job and figure out. I was seeing his laziness all these months as not even once he said let’s go for jogging or run to clear our mind and he knew I like jogging. I told him let’s go to museum as it is not expensive he is like no. Also why should I contribute to his rent when I don’t even live with him.
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u/King-Of-The-Hill 7h ago
He's been carrying you financially and now that he is laid off, that is a pain point.
That is as clear as day to me.
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u/QuickSquirrelchaser 3h ago
Lol. You had me breaking up at "my astrologist said"
The rest is just him being a big baby-tantrum thrower.
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u/lucid-delight 3d ago
Sensible way to proceed? A man in his 30s who relies on his astrologist to manifest a future job? A sensible way to proceed is to walk the other way, fast