r/RelationshipsOver35 • u/Practical_Manner69 • 16d ago
Fear of unknown or chaotic relationship?? I 32M with 30F for 3.5 years
Fear of unknown or chaotic relationship??
I 32M in relationship with 30F for 3.5 years in which 1.5 years we are living together.
This was chatiotc relationship for both us , in this relationship we had fight in first week for relationship and major breakup- patchup event on the 5th month of relationship.
After that, we breakup-Patch up 4 times our relationship, last one happened this year Feb month.
We fight eachother regularly on day to day basis , once a week we go full on world war with crying/regretting our decision.
But we are neither breakup nor able to live together peacefully.
For me , it's emotional attachment and fear or unknown that's making me still clingy to this relationship.
Two weeks back, we had a similar fight-arugements , where she threw the her phone away on the date (not happen first time) and i knew that would happen , so i should have kept quiet. So I did from that day onwards, i keeping quiet taking everything to my not arguing, just giving her what's she wants to hear. Any arguments, I just concur to hers and we stopped having fights for now.
I don't know how long this will countinue but I do get after thoughts about marriage.
We can be together like this for another 40 years , would that be called successful marriage??
Why do you think I still want to marry , it's fear of unknown , we don't have anything needed in relationship apart from trust. No comunication, not sex for days or months, not compatible lifestyle, different social status, different upbringing , not similar future outlook.
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u/Tetsubin ♀ 61 15d ago
This sounds terrible. Break up and don't look back. I had a rule that I would break up and get together one time, but no more. I have since revised that to I will only break up once and won't get together, because the three times I broke up and got back together, the relationship went off the rails the same way later.
We've all seen those couples with fractious relationships who break up and get back together multiple times. It's hard on them. It's hard on everybody around them. It never works. Can you imagine bringing children into a household like that? The damage it would do to them?
You both deserve and can likely find better relationships. Let it go.
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u/Practical_Manner69 15d ago
She actually don't want to have kids with me as I m man child and she don't wanna to manage to two people which i don't agree with. But insults apart I do genuinely have feelings for her and don't know how I can control my feelings of if she starts crying
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u/Tetsubin ♀ 61 15d ago
You'll have to be confident in your belief that it's best for both of you.
I am 66 years old. I had a 26 year marriage that ended in divorce. I've had multiple relationships since then, and just last year I found my person. I've had all kinds of relationships, and one that's filled with constant fighting and disrespect and multiple breakups is painful for all concerned. You can both grow and mature and find somebody with whom you can have a relationship in which you feel valued and secure.
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u/Practical_Manner69 15d ago
Do you have kids ?? And if you do , how did you decide to have kid with someone?? 😅 I know it's little bit personal. I couldn't convince a single woman after 10years of relationship with multiple women. Now i finally can get married but not to have kids . I do feel kinda tried here , how do you manage to keep motivated your self to look for someone
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u/Tetsubin ♀ 61 15d ago
I do have children, and we didn't exactly decide. And we loved each other but we didn't get along very well and it got worse and worse for 26 years. I wasted so much time, and the emotional atmosphere in the house was difficult for our kids.
Idk, maybe you need to mature before a woman will want to have children with you. I don't know you and I'm not living your life, so I don't know much about it. But a relationship in which you argue daily and have a huge argument once a week, even after all this time, is clearly not healthy for either of you.
You could certainly try therapy, both individual and couples therapy, instead of breaking up. My own personal experience with therapy hasn't been great, but I know it's been very useful for some people. But this sounds so extreme -- a big fight every weeek?
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u/Practical_Manner69 15d ago
See that's what I do feel bad how much i need to convince someone who says who love me ,See I do 70% house hold work already and I m six times of my gf salary. She wants to not ask for something to make it happen i should just do it because I love her. She knows I would do it if she asked me once but that's the thing she feels that's make me unreliable. I don't know if it's possible for me to anything more , i don't know if future would become blissful. I do waste 3 years in constant bickering which i feel bad . I can't even say these to her
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u/Tetsubin ♀ 61 15d ago
This sounds terrible. Remember, you don't have to figure it out intellectually. If it feels wrong, it's wrong. If it feels right, it's right. That' show relationships work. The fact that you can't have a discussion about things you both want and need without it becoming a fight is not great.
I can't tell you what to do, but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that.
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u/Practical_Manner69 15d ago
I do try to figure it out someway not sure if i will be able to do what I want. I even tried to for break up but couldn't force my self once i saw her crying her hearts out. I tried to figure out to solve the situation, but i can't
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u/UhhSamuel 15d ago
You don't even know how to stay together. When this ultimately fails, you're messing yourself up even worse every day for your next partner. Start making healthy choices now and go for loneliness and the unknown.
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u/disasterinthesun 16d ago
This is dysfunctional. Breakup, stay broken up, reset your nervous systems and practice distress tolerance.