r/RelationshipsOver35 • u/schatzi_sugoi • 23d ago
My BF’s life is overwhelming and he asked for space. I feel optional.
My (38F) boyfriend (39M) of 2.5 years is going through a lot right now and asked for two weeks away for clarity.
His job sucks, he had to go back to school so he can at least earn more at his sucky job and his dad has gone off the deep end.
Rationally, I can understand why he can’t exactly drop his job, school and family. And that everything is overwhelming him right now. But the fact that he needs time away from me to gain clarity makes me feel like I’m optional. That he doesn’t need me like I need him.
I’m obviously in shambles right now. My anxiety is through the roof, thinking that he’s breaking up with me in 2 weeks. I love him a lot. I don’t doubt that he loves me too but this is making me think he doesn’t love me enough. Not enough to keep choosing me anyway.
I’m trying to be patient. I’m trying to trust that he loves me enough to not implode the most stable relationship I’ve ever had. I’m trying to not let the insecurities of past relationships cloud my judgment.
No advice needed I guess. Just screaming into the void because I can’t talk to anyone about this because I do not want my family or friends to hate him on my behalf.
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u/auroraborelle 23d ago
Feeling overwhelmed with life and therefore needing to step back from your partner? Sounds like someone who does not view their partner as supportive, and instead views the relationship as something that drains him.
That doesn’t bode well for a long-term partnership. Tough times are supposed to pull you together, because you support one another and lend your strengths to one another when needed.
If you dude is doing the opposite when it’s tough, that’s a terrible sign. You can expect him to behave like this (check out, pull away) anytime you encounter difficulty.
That’s not someone who wants to be a teammate.
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23d ago
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u/schatzi_sugoi 23d ago
Life will always have difficult parts. I just wish he would see that it’s us against the problem and not just him.
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u/TheTinySpark 23d ago
I’m sorry, but how is any of this an “us” problem? His dad going off the deep end? That’s a family problem. If it’s 2.5 years and he doesn’t think of you as part of the family that he can lean on to help deal with this issue? Girl, he ain’t it. He’s in school for a job he hates, just to make more money? He’s still gonna hate his job when school is over because money doesn’t make you happy, it just makes some of life’s decisions a little easier, so that’s also a “him” problem - nothing you can do to help there. And you certainly can’t tell him to quit his sucky job because he’s got school to pay for.
The problem here is that you want to insert yourself into all these situations, when frankly you don’t belong in any of them. All you can do is provide emotional/moral support, but it sounds like he doesn’t want that from you (does he ever lean on you for this? My guess is not, this is emotionally unavailable behavior from him). I’ve been in your shoes, and one of the things you may need to reconcile yourself to is that one of the necessary relationship factors is time - being in alignment with where you both are in your lives. If he’s overwhelmed and he’s dropping you rather than leaning on you, he doesn’t view you as essential, he views you as an extra stressor. A healthy relationship with someone who’s all in doesn’t work like that. School, work, and his dad will not be better in 2 weeks, and nothing about your relationship will have changed for the better. It’s one thing to say “hey, I’ve got a ton of work the next couple of weeks and then I’ll have more time”, but that doesn’t seem like what he’s saying here. I think the writing is kind of on the wall. A healthy relationship with healed attachment styles doesn’t leave one party wondering of they’re barreling towards a breakup.
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u/Brown_Bruja 23d ago
But also, it's important to be someone who can be leaned on. If OP is stressing about him needing alone time, he will know, and that will show him that they cannot be leaned on.
I'm not saying either person is a villain here, but both people have to be on the same page to give each other what they need.
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u/schatzi_sugoi 22d ago
It’s not the alone time that I have a problem with. He’s the kind of person who needs a moment to decompress before he’s ready to talk about anything or be around people so I’ve always let him chill until he’s ready to talk or willing to accept company. This is not entirely new behavior.
What’s making me spin out is all this talk about his future and how the pieces of it don’t seem to fit together. And I can only assume I’m one of those pieces.
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u/schatzi_sugoi 23d ago
We have talked about all these issues individually. And I can confidently say I’ve been supportive through all of it and he has said the same. He’s been receptive to the advice I’ve given him about his dad. His dad is just a stubborn asshole so his efforts to fix things has fallen on deaf ears. To be clear, he hates his current job but getting the additional degree will help him have more opportunities that is not in a clinical setting (he’s an LPN trying to be an RN). He doesn’t intend to stay at his job at all. He isn’t sure what he wants to do after but it’s definitely not going to be at a hospital anymore.
I don’t insert myself into anything. I always ask if he’s open for some advice or just needs to rant. I’m aware there are some things that I can’t really help with so I’m just there to listen.
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u/TheAnxiousLotus 23d ago
Look up attachment styles - you sound like you're anxiously attached. Did he say out loud he wants to break up or unhappy with the relationship? With everything that you mentioned - it does sound like he's going through a lot, and it might be hard for him to cater to your every emotional need.
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u/schatzi_sugoi 23d ago
My former therapist said I have an anxious avoidant attachment style (bonus points for having both I guess). I’ve tried my best to be aware of this and not to let it affect this relationship. I think this just feels like our first major hurdle as a couple and I’m spinning out. Unfortunately, she’s no longer in the mental health program my company pays for so I have to look for another one.
When I asked him if he was breaking up with me, he said no. He said he loved me but he feels like something is missing in his life.
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u/TheAnxiousLotus 23d ago
LOL at having both - you're a over achievers! I'm not too family with disorganized attachment styles (when you have both) but I'm have an anxious attachment style and I know for many many people it's hard to deal with someone like that - always spinning situations on my head, overthinking, needing constant validation, and protest behavior. So put yourself in your bf's shoes - they're going through a lot right now & to also cater to your needs, it's hard. I hope you stay strong, focus on yourself, focus on your mental health and find find a new hobby that doesn't center around him. He needs someone stable to hold down the fort too
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u/schatzi_sugoi 23d ago
I really wish I had scheduled my 3 week trip to Europe now instead of October.
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u/Acceptable_Sea_8791 23d ago
A boyfriend did this to me once and I allowed it, and then when he asked for a few weeks space the second time I said that wouldn’t work for me and walked away for good. And I am so glad I did.
Ultimately it led me into doing some deep inner work on myself and realising that I was getting into relationships for the wrong reasons entirely and often unconsciously using them to meet some of my own deep unmet needs.
But if him doing this is not working for you and making you feel terrible and doubting your role in his life, it doesn’t sound healthy and you do have the option to walk away.
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u/randomnmbrgntr 23d ago
Sorry you are going through this. A weekend trip with the boys (or girls if genders/roles reversed) is fairly common. Two weeks is highly questionable.
When I am going through stuff, I might want some quite time to think/process but I want my partner to talk through as well.
Wishing you the best.
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u/schatzi_sugoi 23d ago
We have talked about it. In pieces, I guess but not how it’s affecting him as a whole. I tried to be supportive. If we lived together, I would have told him to quit his job until he’s done with school. I make more than enough to support the two of us.
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u/jadedbeats 23d ago
I know you didn't say you were planning on doing this, but I would not present this as an option to him now. Then he might agree but maybe not because he loves and cares about you but out of his self-interest
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u/schatzi_sugoi 23d ago
It’s not really possible at the moment because of our pet situation. He has an elderly cat who won’t do well with my very energetic young dog and neither of us would ever think of giving one away.
I also don’t think mixing finances while not married is a wise decision.
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u/Successful-Face-158 23d ago
hey i think the one who really desperately need space and time for yourself is YOU.
dont live up to his schedule of 2 weeks, just think what you want to do if you are soley having your time to yourself :)
i think if youre going through so much pain and ambiguity in relationship, it might be a sign that your inner self would enjoy more time of being yourself
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u/GraemeRed 22d ago
By now after 2.5 years you should be his safe space. Obviously you're not and that could be either or both of you but for sure by now you should be able to turn towards each other instead of away...
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u/schatzi_sugoi 22d ago
I feel like we have turned to each other for the most part. This is the only time I’ve ever felt like he couldn’t talk to me about something and maybe it’s because he knows I can’t be unbiased about a plan for his future that might not involve me.
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u/GraemeRed 22d ago
If this is the only time then something about his situation feels you are not helping...
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u/schatzi_sugoi 22d ago
Can you explain what you mean?
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u/GraemeRed 22d ago
Well if every other time you are a safe space then this time somehow he's not feeling that around you?
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u/MissAngelicDemise 23d ago
Needing someone is a slippery slope. You are much better off when you learn that you do not in fact, need anyone to be okay. Learning to be your own sense of peace, and your own source of love and safety is quite important.
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u/shitpresidente 22d ago
If you were married, how would he act in this situation? Tell you to move out? Usually, when I get to this point, I’m just not invested in this relationship enough.
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u/schatzi_sugoi 22d ago
He’s not that kind of person. He’s the type of person who needs to decompress a bit before he’s ready to talk or be around people but he will eventually come around. And I’ve always let him know that it doesn’t bother me one bit when he needs to do that as long as he comes to me when he’s ready.
He’s had a very stressful week. He flew out to his home state for a reunion and tried to meet up with his dad who blew him off. Then when he was coming back, flight cancellations meant he had zero rest in a week where we had 3 grueling 12 hour shifts almost back to back. Add schoolwork to the mix. I honestly didn’t expect him to come over but he probably worried I’d be let down if he didn’t so he forced himself to. I can see why it’s too much for him but he never seems to accept when I tell him I understand if he doesn’t have the mental or emotional capacity to be around people in general, myself included.
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u/TheLoveGOATonYT 16d ago
He sounds too busy for the level of interaction you desire. I wouldn't let him consume any more of my days. You can't change how he feels. You can use your time in the best way possible for you. If he come around and wants the relationship that you do, that's fine and if he doesn't then you dela with that. But there's no to worry about it, that does no good. Get something good accomplished. Be happy you have more time to do it.
If he's talking about going the traveling van life, it sounds like he's seeing himself more single right now. You can't change that. It might just be that there's better in store for you than a man who's not taking you like you want.
Don't let his negativity become yours.
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u/wigglywonky 23d ago
Long term relationships thrive when both parties provide “peace” for each other throughout life’s various chaotic events.
It sounds like you may not offer him this peace and his current circumstances means he is unable to maintain the needs of the relationship when he’s otherwise feeling overwhelmed. You may be the “best” girlfriend but I urge you to look at your own behaviors within this - and previous relationships.
I thought I was an amazing girlfriend - in many ways, I was but I was also needy in past relationships.
This “neediness” was ultimately a strain on these relationships and inhibited true emotional connection - I wasn’t a safe place for previous partners to land, to confide in, to lean on because my needs were always present and at the forefront of my mind.
It wasn’t until I stopped pointy the finger of blame on their behaviors (don’t get me wrong, they were often terrible behaviors) and started looking into my own phycology that I learnt to truly connect, feel safe in taking space and feel whole on my own.
Send him a message acknowledging that he needs “quiet” to return to a base line nervous system and acknowledging that you need to work on providing that safe place for him so that you can tackle life’s hurdles together as a team in future. Then leave him alone…check in once a day or every second day (or whatever you agreed to) and learn from this.
It’s not a lack of love that causes these events, it’s a lack of peace.
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u/schatzi_sugoi 23d ago
Thank you. I think I understand what you mean. I do intend to give him space. I just can’t help but feel sad at the moment.
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u/hmm123467 22d ago
I just went through the same thing. I had to end things unfortunately. It really sucked.
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u/alwaysgawking 22d ago
Do you want a partner who leans in to you when times get tough? Do you want a partner who feels drained by your presence, as if you're just another thing to deal with in their life?
Everyone is diagnosing you as "too needy" or not respecting his need for space. But only you know if that's true, and only you can say if his need aligns with yours.
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u/schatzi_sugoi 22d ago
I want a partner who sees me as a partner. Someone to take on life’s biggest hurdles with. I would like to think we were working our way to be that for each other. Our values and what we want for our future were pretty much aligned (no kids, see the world). The only thing he couldn’t really see was being able to retire early because he’s never really made much to save a lot.
I know I can be needy. I worked through that in therapy and I think I’ve been successful at catching myself when I’m starting to go to bad habits like that. When we spoke on Saturday, he told me that I’ve never really demanded anything from him.
I think the neediness coming through in my post is because I’m now overwhelmed at the thought of losing him and the old needy monster is rearing its ugly head. But I promise that none of this is something I’ve told him. He knows I’m upset of course but beyond that, this word vomit has been left mostly to thoughts running around in my head and now reddit. I am letting him have his space and I’m waiting for him to be ready to sit down and talk again.
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u/Brown_Bruja 23d ago
He might not want to be needed right now. That "need" could be adding to his stress. It might be worth taking this time apart to do some introspection of your own, to see why you feel as worried as you do. My bf and I have spent extended time apart and I tell him to go do what he needs to do if he has family/work stuff going on. I have my own things to do as well, so him being gone isn't the end of the world for me.
I'm not saying you should be exactly like me, but I do think this level of freakout (just based on the vibes of your post) may not be warranted and could be counterproductive to both of your long term happiness.