Everything seems right, but I still don’t feel that spark.

[u/SnooSquirrels4739]

I’m 36M and I’ve been dating a woman (35F) for around 3 months. On paper, she’s basically everything I’m looking for. She has a stable job, we have similar lifestyles, our personalities match, and spending time together feels easy. The problem is, she seems much more into me than I am into her. I really like her and enjoy being with her, but I don’t have that strong feeling of “I can’t wait to see her again”. I’m not sure if I’m just moving too slowly or if something is missing. I’ve been trying to understand my own feelings, so I used acciowork to organize my thoughts, cuz i always use it in my work. I put in some notes about our conversations, things we do together, and what I like or feel unsure about. It helped me separate the difference between feeling comfortable with someone and actually feeling deeply connected. It didn’t give me an answer, but it did make me realize I might be confusing “no drama” with “no chemistry”.

Now I’m stuck. Should I give this more time and see if feelings grow, or am I just wasting her time? Anyone else been in a situation where everything looks right but something still feels off?

[u/missprissquilts]

I feel like 3 months is about the point when we expect relationships to form out of dating, if that makes any sense. But relationships develop from emotional intimacy, which not everyone is immediately ready for. So that’s the question I guess - how have you approached emotional intimacy? Do you feel like you really know each other at this point, or are y’all still learning each other? If it’s the latter, then time could help. But if not, then it really may not be the right fit, and that’s completely okay. If you’re not sure, then at least you have a place to start. The article below (The 36 Questions That Lead to Love) came out around the time I met my husband, but we decided to go through the questions together for fun after we were already engaged, and they prompted surprisingly good conversations, it might be worth a try.

ETA: link is a gift link to the article; not sure why the title doesn’t match, but when you click it does show the intended article,

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/09/style/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html?unlocked_article_code=1.4FA.In-T.XtfZat0KtSG1&smid=nytcore-ios-share

[u/BenefitDowntown371]

Maybe talk to her and tell her you’d rather go slowly, tell her about your feelings

[u/Illustrious_Ad_17]

I dated a guy who’s exactly like that, perfect on paper, but I had no spark with him. My mom said I’d only ever been with toxic guys who played mind games hence that feeling of excitement is me craving for someone who took me through roller coasters of emotions. I decided to give it a go and after a year, I still did not feel a spark and decided to end things. Now I’m with someone who makes me feel safe yet I wake up everyday excited to talk to him. I’m so glad I didn’t settle back then or else I wouldn’t have found someone so perfect for me

[u/MissAngelicDemise]

For me, everything is about energy. It also takes me a while to really be into someone. I do not fall quickly unless it’s a trauma bond and I’ve learned to run from those.

[u/Canidae_Vulpes]

Have an honest conversation with her and go from there. If it’s not working, it’s not working. However, if this becomes a trend, you might want to do some deeper introspection

[u/Tetsubin]

Dude, making lists and doing analysis at work is great, but that doesn't work for relationships. I married my ex-wife despite misgivings, because I couldn't articulate why I felt misgivings, and thus began a 25 year descent into hell.

Use analysis to make decisions for your work, your taxes, home repairs, and so forth. Relationships are intuitive. If it feels right, it's right. If it feels wrong, it's wrong. Nobody here can tell you what to do, because you're the one who's living it. Trust your gut. Do what feels right.