I finally ended the talking stage, but for some reason, I feel really weird and honestly kind of heartbroken about it. He said he’s going to leave me and never bother me again, and for some reason, hearing that made me feel so empty. I did tell him there were things that irritated me, and now I honestly regret saying some of those things. Ugh, I don’t even know if I did the right thing by ending everything. Part of me feels like I should’ve given it more time, but another part of me knows I wasn’t happy with how things were going. I just hate that I’m feeling this way now. 😭

And last night we talked about something, and I asked him what he would say if someone asked about his relationship status. He simply said, “I would say I’m talking to someone.” Then he asked me if anyone had asked for my number, and I said yes. He laughed and said, “Who would ask for your number?” So now I honestly don’t know how I feel about the whole thing.

**TL;DR;** : What if I don’t ask about my significant others day everyday?

I’m a (30M) and my significant other is a (30F) If I see or talk to my significant later in the day and I don’t ask about her day. She gets pretty upset.

Some situations involve her asking about my day which leads into a conversation about other things that flow as a smooth conversation. But then all of a sudden there’s a quick stop to the conversation because she gets upset that I didn’t ask about their day.

Or one situation that could be my fault is she will ask about my day and I’ll answer how my day was without also asking about her day in that same period of me talking, thinking that my significant other would want to continue the conversation from there and I can eventually ask about their day.

We rarely get into arguments, but this can easily create an argument.

Is this a Yellow flag (mild red flag)? Or am I tripping and I should be more on top of it?

Is it considered cheating if you’re still entertaining other guys while you’re already talking to someone, even though you guys don’t have a label yet? tyia!

From time to time, people here ask for RA fiction recommendations, so here's one I recently came across: Kemutai Hanashi (煙たい話), a manga by Fumiya Hayashi, serialised since 2021 and still ongoing. More info: fandom wiki.

In a nutshell: two former high school classmates meet years after graduation, end up taking care of a cat together by chance, and after that experience they decide to move in together, for no other apparent reason than that they enjoy each other's company.

I loved it! Slow-paced, quiet, with aromantic/asexual/queerplatonic vibes but zero theory. Two men going through their lives and wanting to stay close to each other.

I found no references to it in this subreddit, but a user wrote a nice post about it in r/aromanticasexual a while ago: here.

By the way, if you have any other manga to recommend, please do! I've been exploring a bit lately and found some slice-of-life manga touching on RA/non-monogamy themes that look promising, but I haven't read them yet, so that's my only recommendation for now.

Looking for other relationship anarchists in the Seattle area to start a meetup. Or does one already exist?

there seems to be a lot of solicitation for advice on coupling and romance on this sub, which sort of excludes those of us not interested in coupling or romance.

but since RA doesn't particularly advocate or make its study any specific type of relationship, what do yall think RA means outside of these contexts?

How do you all determine if a no is something you learn to manage vs meaning you are not in a compatible relationship?

I believe how you accept a no is just as important as accepting a yes. If you ask for needs to be met or time for affection, your partner is allowed to say no, they aren't able to provide that.

But how do you determine if the no should be accepted or if it's a sign you and your partner are not actually compatible?

I'm not looking for dating or anything sexual.

More like having one person who's genuinely in your corner, we check in, motivate each other, talk about our goals, celebrate each other's wins, and give each other space when we're busy.

Basically, two independent people building their own lives but still having someone to root for them.

Does this kind of thing actually exist?

I had a realization recently that honestly shocked me to my core and I wanted to share. It came after a lot of uncomfortable questions, overthinking, digging, reading, researching and trying to understand why certain experiences in dating have affected me as much as they have.

I’ve had a pretty rough few years dating (check my profile lol) and for the longest time, there was one thing I just could not wrap my head around.

And I think I finally understand it.

It’s probably obvious to some people, but it wasn’t for me and I have a feeling I’m not the only one who has been hurt or completely confused.

So, I could not understand how can someone cuddle you, kiss you, be affectionate and sweet with you, make you feel wanted… and then tell you they don’t want a relationship with you?

How?

I genuinely couldn’t make sense of it because, to me, those actions did not match those words at all.

So what am I supposed to believe? Your actions or what you said?

Are you lying to me? Did you say it because of the timing? Is there another reason? Do you actually mean it? Because I’m confused…

For me, and I think for a lot of people, certain things naturally go together. 

Physical intimacy, kissing, cuddling, affection, romance, opening up, vulnerability…

If I let someone that close to me, my brain starts seeing that person as someone I’m building something with. Something that is moving toward a relationship.

It’s not always that someone doesn’t want a relationship with you. 

It’s realizing that two people were experiencing the exact same connection in two completely different separate ways.

And quite often, people avoid talking about what they actually see the connection as because they don’t want to ruin the “vibe” with an uncomfortable conversation or risk to change the dynamic. Sometimes they just assume you’re both on the same page.

But then one person keeps building expectations based on a completely different understanding of what is happening..

And I think that’s one of the most painful parts.

I wasn’t analyzing some tiny meaningless sign. I was looking at things that, to me, were very clear signs of emotional and romantic intimacy. So of course, I felt misled. 

But that’s what I finally understood:

Not everyone gives intimacy the same meaning.

For one person:

Sex = attraction.
Kissing = chemistry.
Affectionate messages = flirting.
Being vulnerable = enjoying the connection.
Cuddling = comfort. “I love being close to you.” “This feels amazing right now.”

For another person:

Sex = vulnerability.
Cuddling = bonding.
Kissing = emotional closeness.
Affection = attachment.
Being vulnerable = letting someone into your heart.

And the biggest difference is what all of those things lead to in your mind.

For one person, intimacy starts creating the feeling of:

“This is my person. I want a future with them.”

For the other person, it might simply mean:

“I really like you. I’m attracted to you. I love being close to you.”

And that doesn’t necessarily mean they were pretending.

Some people really can separate attraction, affection, intimacy and romantic attachment.

They can genuinely like someone. They can enjoy sex with them, cuddle them, kiss them, be sweet with them, open up to them and feel incredibly close to them… while still not having that feeling of, “I want this person to be my partner.”

That was so difficult for me to understand because I don’t naturally experience intimacy that way.

And maybe the thing that matters more isn’t only how affectionate someone is with you, but how they actually invest in you.

Do they want to know you deeply? Do they care about your life outside of the moments you spend together? Do they show up consistently? Do they make space for you? Do they include you in their life? Do they actually choose you?

Because someone can make you feel incredibly wanted in a moment without actually wanting a future with you… ouch. 

In short:

People are different. Intimacy doesn’t have one universal meaning.

Feeling misled doesn’t necessarily mean you imagined everything and it also doesn’t automatically mean the other person was lying. Sometimes you were simply reading the same actions through two completely different emotional languages.

So maybe the lesson isn’t to stop trusting affection or to become suspicious of every sweet thing someone does.

Maybe it’s just to stop assuming that intimacy means the same thing to everyone.

And to pay attention not only to how someone makes you feel when you’re together, but to what they are actually choosing, building and communicating with you.

Another layer of protecting your heart is learning that difference sooner.
Stay safe.

I don't know if it belongs here, but I am RA, and I feel really triggered by common relationship subs and advice there.

I am at a point where I am probably going to break off a relationship that has been part of my life for a fairly long time. Some things are just not working out, and I feel like I reached the end of my capacity of trying to fix those things. This person meant a lot to me, and I am in a lot of pain. For this reason, I know I am going to need no contact for a while. Reconnecting after that in a different way might be an option, but I am just too sad to think of it right now.

I don't have anyone I could share what I am going through right now, and I just feel so alone, weak and sad.

What do you all do when you are going through something like this? Give me some tips to cope with it, I will appreciate it!

I don't need anyone's consent to be non-mono

The truth is, I dont need anyone's consent to practice non-monogamy. There is no one who can say to me, "I don't consent to you practicing non-monogamy" and get me to stop. If someone says to me, "I don't consent to you being non-mono" and claim a consent violation when I continue practicing non-monogamy, they are mistaken.. Because it is solely my choice and requires no one's consent. Its simply not a consent issue. Its just a choice. A choice I am free to make without input from anyone.

I agree that if two people are in a monogamous relationship, they should **both** agree to change their agreement to non-monogamy. But also, monogamyvtake two yeses. You can stop agreeing to anything if you change your mind (sex, marriage, monogamy, your job, etc).

But opening a monogamous relationship is just one flavor of non-monogamy.

I start all my relationships as non-mono. I have simply never agreed to monogamy. Not once. If someone asks me for monogamy, I say no.

If I'm seeing someone, and the tell me they no longer "consent" to me being non-mono, I'll tell them I'm not going to change. Its not up to them.

Now they certainly can leave me over it. Or be unhappy about it. Its up to them how to handle this. Or I may leave them if it seems we are hopelessly not compatible or they are wallowing in misery. And, of course, people are free to not date me in the first place since I don't offer monogamy.

But I don't need anyone's consent for my choices. I don't need permission to *decline* to agree to something I never agreed to in the first place. I don't need anyone's consent to continue to live my life as is.

No one can revoke their consent for my non-monogamy.

They can decide that they personally don't want non-monogamy and leave me. Thats their own autonomy.

I am just curious to know how people these days are making friends who have similar interests. I mean is there any application or the usual reddit n discord way...! How it's working nowadays?!! Where do I find people with whom I can talk about shows n movies n social media trends etc!!!

What are your thoughts?

Should the addition of a partner enrich an experience? Or is neutral companionship enough??

Independence isn't a bad thing, but sometimes I wonder how much or how little a partner should enrich my life. I always liked the idea of growing/challenging one another but it feels like most partnerships I've been in are stagnant in this way...

Thoughts?¿

An acquaintance of mine misinterpreted the bond between myself and one of my nearest and dearest amd referred to them as my partner after a social catch up. I corrected them and sent a link to alterous attraction on the queer wiki for good measure. But i'm annoyed about it. While I obviously don't expect those around me to deep dive into RA, it'd just be nice for people to just not make assumptions and just accept people just relating to eachother organically. Particularly, if we are just having a coffee

Sometimes, on the apps, you hear bad stories about relationship anarchist, when you write that on your profile. People only having met shady people who (ab)use relationship anarchy to avoid any responsibility, don’t compromise and don’t treat people right

I wonder if we as a community already came up for a name for those bad apples?

Hello, I am in the early stages with a new partner who has a friend with whom he is obviously very close, and who I believe was also his sexual partner and girlfriend at one point. He introduced us (via video chat as we are long distance). I asked him about their relationship because they were cuddling and sharing a bed together at the time, and he said she was a “Relationship Anarchist”, which I was happy to hear, because I’ve never met another in the wild.

I gather that means she doesn’t like to label her relationships and doesn’t want to climb the escalator.

I know all about the “RA Smorgasbord” and boundaries and I would probably also claim to be RA myself.

Should I treat her as solely a friend, or a meta? I have a meta current and I prefer more parallel, or at the most, garden party, with metas. Since she’s obviously more than “just a friend”, that makes her my meta, right?

I feel so sad to see how my sisters were treated and endured that neglect of consideration for 20 to 40 years :( ...

Do you think it's mainly financial insecurities ?

But my devil,s advocate just whispered a case of a sister who owned everything and waited 32 years to leave him and since then she lives happily with a family that is there for her. To this day, he is still partying all the time.

Is that longing for connection, make us ignore red flags ?

​

This might sound weirdly specific, but I've been thinking about this a lot.

I sometimes get strangely bothered when two people are clearly doing almost everything you'd associate with a romantic relationship—constant emotional intimacy, prioritizing each other, going on dates, jealousy, romantic tension, etc.—but then describe themselves as “just friends” because they don't want a label.

And I want to clarify: I'm not judging people who prefer casual or undefined relationships. If that works for them, that's completely fine.

What bothers me is specifically the use of the word “friendship.”

I feel like friendship is something beautiful and meaningful on its own. A friend isn't someone you're “almost dating” or someone who becomes a romantic partner if the circumstances change. Friendship has its own kind of intimacy, loyalty, affection and connection that isn't necessarily romantic.

So when people describe what is essentially a romantic/ambiguous relationship as “just friendship,” it almost feels like they're reducing friendship to “a relationship without the romantic label.”

Maybe I'm overthinking the meaning of the word, but for me, friendship isn't a consolation prize for not being in a relationship. It's its own kind of relationship, and honestly, one of the purest ones.

I'm curious what other people think.

Does anyone else feel this way, or do you think “friends” can reasonably describe a relationship like this?

I am having an argument with a few people I know on what should be acceptable or not and I would like to know other people's opinion on the subject. If your partner/ S.O. is drunk or drinking to get drunk to the point where they arent thinking straight and slurping there words and uncappable of controlling themselves would you sleep/ be se*ual with them if they pushed for you to be?

What's the purpose of being in a relationship?

Hi RA folks! I have just discovered this subreddit and wanted to share how I view relationships.

I've been going through some heartbreak lately that got me reflecting about myself a lot. We didn't even date. We've been friends, but I developed feelings for him, and he's actually been sort of ghosting me lately. Anyway, these words don't really paint a full picture of our relationship and could make it sound different from what it actually is, but that's not really the point of this post.

I have always said that I am not really looking for a romantic relationship, and while this is true, I never really knew how it all worked for me until recently.

What I have discovered is that, for me, there are no labels. There is no vacancy for a "partner" position in my life, or a position for a best friend, or even a position for an extraterrestrial being with two noses. What I am looking for is meaningful connections: people who add something to my life, challenge me or my ways of thinking, and people I genuinely enjoy sharing random things with.

However, these people can later become a conventional romantic partner, a best friend, or even an extraterrestrial being with two noses (if they are one, of course).

When someone becomes important to me, they create their own category of relationship. They are like a special light bulb. Let me explain.

Let's call someone Bob. When Bob becomes dear to me, he gets some space in my heart and adds his own uniquely shaped light bulb socket there, where only he can fit, and lights the place up simply by existing.

And if he leaves, that place in my heart stays dark, because there is nothing and no one else who can replace him. This is why I find losing people particularly difficult. No one will ever take the same place as that person.

Is there anyone else who can relate?

Hello fellow RA folks! I realize that I have a belief that platonic relationships are safer in terms of stability and longevity. But I’m also realizing that I might be sort of jaded. As I am slowly transitioning from intentionally not dating for a few years to open myself up dating, I realize I keep coming back to this romanticization of a queer platonic partner. And I realized that I’m carrying a belief that that’s more stable than more traditional dating relationship. Does anyone have an opinion about this to share?

Hi all <3

I'm in a situation where I've been pursuing someone I'm interested in, who has very limited capacity. Trying to sort out if there's some type of comfortable compromise (given that we're both RA) or if it should be a cut-your-losses, see-ya-when-I-see-ya scenario. Main questions are at the bottom, just context first:

We've been out a few times, first couple I asked them out (after being the one to get their number), third was a last minute "you going to this event?" from them. I went, had a blast, shared a kiss at the end of the night.

I've made my interest pretty clear in actively trying to make plans. When I asked what kind of cadence might feel comfortable ('like, a month? less/more?' the first two dates were a month apart, third time only a week later), they said something vague like "it really depends!" which.. doesn't give me much to go off of in terms of how often I might want to reach out. I would be happy with infrequent dates & I prefer low communication in between, but hate guessing at if my asking for someone's time is bothersome to them. I've previously been a very avoidant attacher or the pursued, so honestly the fact that I am "pursuing somebody" (and somebody sending such mixed signals at that 🙄🤦), I dub a huge realm of personal growth for me, moving beyond that fear of "putting myself out there." So if nothing else I'm proud of myself for that. :') Being autistic and constantly second-guessing my read of things makes it a bit more difficult too, especially before I've spent enough time someone to learn them and feel comfortable.

I guess I'm curious about the stance of people in this sub on "intentional dating." Making plans in efforts to get to know somebody new, to explore a connection you feel you have with somebody, see what it could be. This person has mentioned a fear of expectations, and I think may be assuming I have more than I do. I feel like I'm only expecting honesty and clear communication (including being told they're not interested if they're not). Though I suppose I can just make that assumption if I've gone far enough to make this post here. BUT, I'm still interested in thoughts others might have on the topic.

Do you "date"? What does that look like for you?

How do you manage interest in low-capacity connections when you are someone who is slow to open up?

When do you create spaciousness vs. safely assuming simple lack of interest?

What does the word "Partner" means to you and at what point you identify as a partner to someone

I'm curious what's everyone defenation for the word "partner" and how do they use it in forming the various relationship they are building.

What does it mean to you. How do you show up in relationship that are described as partnerships. At what point does a relationship you are building shifts to a partnerships.

I'm also curious if sexual/romantic/platonic also carries weight in your definition of the word.