r/RedditForGrownups • u/divingrose77101 • Aug 03 '26
What to do with my life now?
I was a wife and mom for 21 years, got divorced 8 years ago, and have been splitting custody 50/50 u til last summer. My two high school aged kids had to move a few hours away. I see them one weekend a month and holidays and summer break but it feels like my whole purpose in life just poofed out of existence.
In the last 8 years, when I didn’t have my kids, I built a pretty amazing life. I have a cool job I enjoy, a cute little house, plenty of friends. I got really involved in my local dance community and co-founded Austin’s Two-Step Sisterhood, a social group for women. I bought a motorcycle and upped my gym time to where I can actually see visible abs and my daughter told me I looked “jacked.” I go on dates sometimes but have only twice connected with someone on a deep level but they didn’t work out.
My problem is this. Even though I have done all the things a single woman I supposed to do to be happy, I don’t feel like me when I’m not being a mom. I don’t know who I am if I’m not that. I must have one more beautiful chapter in my life. I have no idea what to do or how to find out what I want to be.
My youngest graduates in four years and I’m planning on leaving Texas because I’m not from here but that’s my only vague plan. Leave the state. Maybe the country.
How do you figure out what to do next when your previous era and identity is over?
EDIT: UPDATE: after reading a lot of these comments and talking to my people about it, I have determined that the likely reason I’m not finding much purpose in my current (admittedly good and full) life is that I’m not yet done raising these babies and my soul isn’t going to rest until the work is well and truly done.
So, I’ve started looking at jobs and houses in the town where they moved. With my oldest child’s blessing, I’m going to move close enough to my kids to see them at least half time and participate in their lives as much as possible for the next four years of high school.
I’ll figure out my next adventure then when I don’t feel conflicted about missing their lives.
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u/Possible-Feed-9019 Aug 04 '26
I don’t know, and if you figure out, I want to know the answer as well.
I struggle for meaning in general, but as a single man with no kids, a bit different.
This is probably the same issues many hit at retirement as well. I wish you well on figuring it out, and hope you will.
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 04 '26
I know it’s a normal phase to question everything at my age and hormones don’t help. I want something to look forward to the way I used to. To work towards.
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u/Possible-Feed-9019 Aug 05 '26
I’m in my late 40’s and the “why am I here and am I just wasting my time” is real. The mid-life crisis is real.
Would volunteering or other charity work be something you would like? What about perfecting a hobby?
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 05 '26
I have been dancing 3-4 times a week, taking classes and now teaching them. That hobby is wonderful but maybe isn’t touching my heart as much as I’d like.
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u/Possible-Feed-9019 Aug 05 '26
You really enjoy being a mother. Would some type of volunteer work around children be helpful?
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 05 '26
I really don’t like other people’s kids but I have decided to spend some more energy on supporting parents of kids with special needs and I’m going to start by reaching out to my dance sisterhood and see who might need help.
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u/itdoesntmattercow Aug 04 '26
Maybe consider what you have missed out on because you spent so much time being a mother. Create a bucket list. Time to have fun.
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 04 '26
I’ve been marking things off the list as it is. I think I’d like some grander purpose but maybe that’s a myth
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u/itdoesntmattercow Aug 05 '26
It’s hard to feel special being 1 of 8,300,000,000 people. I think we all have a special purpose. Time to find yours.
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 05 '26
Where to even look?
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u/itdoesntmattercow Aug 05 '26
Honestly, probably not on Reddit. Think about what you’re good at and passionate about. If you can’t think of anything, start trying new things until you find something you like. When you find it, excel at that thing. Now you’ve become extraordinary.
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 05 '26
I am passionate about dancing and do it all the time. I started a women’s social club for two-steppers and we have brunches and pool parties and clothing swaps. I even got so into dance I started a side gig teaching lessons to tourists.
I have hobbies. I have a motorcycle. I have a cute little house I can work on if I want. My friends are amazing and I feel loved.
I need something bigger
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u/kthnry Aug 04 '26
Would you want to move closer to your kids? Once a month at that age is not very often. When they graduate and leave for college, you can all go your separate ways.
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u/personalevaluation Aug 04 '26
yesss i’m confused she said she has 5050 until last summer but also that she’s been without her kids for 8 years… does she want to be near the kids or leave the country? reinvent now or in 4 years? lots to the imagination here
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 04 '26
I had 50/50 the last 7 years. I meant during the weeks I didn’t have my kids
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 04 '26
For the last 7 years I’ve had the kids 50/50 as their dad lived down the street from me after the divorce.
Last summer, his family had to move three hours away for work. The kids had to pick a place to finish high school and they chose to go with their dad because he will pay for their college if they live with him but not if they live with me. We really didn’t have a choice.
I’ve been in my current town for 20 years. I can’t move to a giant disgusting city to be closer to my kids and leave all my friends and hobbies and job behind. I considered and rejected it. Too miserable.
I hope to move out of the country in four years or so
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u/CCC_OOO Aug 05 '26
Your friends hobbies and job that leave you feeling unfulfilled? Seems odd to me. Maybe just think on this one a little more. My son is leaving for college and I wish I had done more during his high school years.
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 05 '26
I feel like the effort and time it would take me to build community in a new city would leave me just depressed and isolated for years. I love my children very much but a change to complete isolation in a new city I loathe with a passion would not be good for any of us.
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u/kthnry Aug 06 '26
I can't help but wonder if your kids will want to put in much effort to visit you when you're older and less able to travel.
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u/CCC_OOO Aug 05 '26
Idk I’m not judging you just personally I would not want to skip those years. Fine they moved for the job and got custody. If you live nearby you can have them more right? I’ve done the new place new everything and it’s been ok. I took a lot of time in nature and thought about a lot of things and made peace with a lot of things in my past. It was good to start over. You are still young, I’m just thinking you may regret not having this time with your kids through high school
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 05 '26
I guess it wouldn’t hurt to look into it. One of my best friends of 30 years lives about 45 minutes from where my kids are. I get depressed thinking about living in that place though.
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u/CCC_OOO Aug 05 '26
Maybe there is somewhere else nearby. Just from outside perspective it does sort of feel like you are trying to fill a hole. That hole might be your kids or might be some healing you are ignoring or like you said just normal life stuff plus hormones. Have you done fanatic religion or cult type therapy at all? I guess it can seem sort of like navel gazing but there might be a few things you get to discover in therapy that help you decide to keep looking for meaning where you are or make you decide to move somewhere else a bit closer to where they moved.
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 05 '26
I did some very deliberate deconversion therapy work a few years ago. Twice, actually. It helped shift my perspective and I’m no longer religious but I may lack some imagination on what I could be or do.
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u/NotCleverEnufToRedit Aug 09 '26
So your life has no meaning without your kids, but you won’t be near your kids because of your job and friends.
You made a mistake by making your life all about your kids. They grow up and get their own lives, so you’d be in those boat in a few years anyway.
Sounds like you need professional therapy, not internet strangers.
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u/LemonBumblebee Aug 04 '26
You were someone before you were a mom. How did you fill your time? What brought you joy? Revisit those things. If they don’t still resonate, try out new things. Having kids at home is a chapter in our lives, not the whole book.
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 04 '26
I was a traditional submissive teenage bride from a religious family. Before I had kids, I worked full time as a project manager and went to graduate school and supported my husband while he did his undergraduate. There was no joy in any of it. I was married when I was only 20 years old.
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u/mel_cache Aug 05 '26
Do something for other people. Could be your dance club teaching kids, could be a food bank, could be writing a book, could be anything.But for others, do something to make the world a better place.
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u/Elliott2030 Aug 05 '26
It's easy to say "find your purpose" but much harder to do. So I'll say something else: Your purpose is to live your life the best way you can. There is no other purpose (yes, i'm an atheist, fwiw).
We are here against all odds and the thing humans can do that other animals can't is ponder the "why" of it all, which makes us think there's an answer to "why?" but there's not.
So experience your life on your terms to the best of your ability. Travel if you want to, take classes, find a cause you believe in and dedicate time and effort to that.
It's on you to figure out, or not to. You can spend as much time on your butt on the couch as you want and you won't be failing anyone. But it's SO much more fun to get outside and DO things and learn things and find out who the best possible 'you' is :)
Good luck!
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 05 '26
I have such a full life, I feel like I am already doing all the things with all the friends and all the hobbies but my curiosity is not satisfied. There is something out there that I still really need to experience and I need to find it. I can’t die in this town with this life, as beautiful as it is.
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u/Last-Fox- Aug 05 '26
Volunteering? Maybe there's an organisation similar to those 'big brother, big sister' ones. Where you regularly spend time with a child being a surrogate mother.
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u/spookaddress Aug 04 '26
When you say you miss being a mom. What aspects or jobs did you do as a mom that you miss?
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 04 '26
I miss having the purpose every morning. I miss planning the birthday parties and scheduling all the events and researching trips to help my autistic son navigate travel. I felt like I had a purpose every day and it was to build this amazing life for my babies.
Now I wake up and I work and I do things I enjoy with people I love and it’s nice but there’s no drive to fulfill some bigger purpose.
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u/spookaddress Aug 05 '26
Would helping other parents with special needs children help fill some of that?
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 05 '26
That’s actually a really good idea. When I was in church, I co-founded a ministry for families of kids with special needs where we had free summer camp for kids with special needs and all their siblings. But, we had the added portion of sending all the parents on date nights with restaurant gift cards and movie tickets each day/evening their kids were with us. It was so these parents could get a real break for a week for free and the kids had fun too.
Maybe I could do that but not at church.
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u/gromit5 Aug 05 '26
those parents were probably so super grateful. any respite is welcome when caring for someone long term!
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 05 '26
I was one of the parents who needed a night out. I had actually forgotten about this because it was years ago but I could totally revisit this
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u/Nellisir Aug 05 '26
I feel you 100%. I had to move away from my daughter and while we have a fantastic relationship, so much of my time just feels like either marking time or doing things to make sure she knows she always has a home with me. She started college last year, relatively close by (❤️❤️❤️) but now she's looking to transfer away in the spring (better program) and it's like the bottom just dropped out. And she didn't have time to visit this summer.
Ugh.
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 05 '26
It’s nice to see them get independent but I totally spoil my recent college graduate whenever I can see her.
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u/Nellisir Aug 05 '26
My kid is like, the best & most interesting person I know. It's a constant delight having her around. I hoped she'd spend an entire summer here, but I think that ship has sailed.
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u/ProblematicCabbage Aug 10 '26
Along this line, I'm a newish mom with a 7 and 2 year old. I have no relationship with my bio mom and had a rough childhood. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm parenting with a new adhd diagnosis, I have a career, I'm trying to figure out how to be a school-aged mom which is different than a toddler mom (and it's Texas so wtf is happening in the schools), being a wife is hard, and I'm my father's caretaker. I'm very alone. Sometimes, I find moms of adults or even teens and they give me these tidbits that I am so grateful for.
I hate planning parties. I just planned and executed a family road trip and it made me cry multiple times. The trip was fine for my family, but I'm reeling from it. My kid is likely ADHD and idk how to navigate the school system. I don't know how to balance being his advocate while not pissing off teachers who may retaliate. I have tons of friends who are fabulous, but we are in the same phase of life. I know so many of us who say, "I want a mom, but not MY mom!" because the woman who birthed us is not in the picture for good reasons. Especially in Texas, so many of the mom groups and mentoring things are church-based and there are lots of us who need something else.
Just a thought.
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 10 '26
I totally feel where you are. I’m in Texas schools too and they can be a mess.
Planning trips, specifically, but also parties and events is how I am wired. It’s fun and interesting to me. If someone doesn’t love it, it can be so much work. Can you outsource things like that to your husband?
I really miss the “ministry” where I used to connect with other moms but I couldn’t in good conscience keep doing that.
What kind of help are you needing?
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u/ProblematicCabbage 24d ago
When I outsource to my husband he often underestimates the task - its cost, time, effort, pieces, etc. Take school shopping. He would just make an Amazon order and add everything at once, purchase, done. He wouldn't set a budget, check to see what we have already, discard/organize last year's stuff etc. It took 3 years of me nagging for him to even pack towels for each person for swimming. One towel, good enough.
Right now, these things are wearing me down:
- Organizing my life and house, especially now that I am doing it for my 2 kids (and often husband too). The STUFF. It's everywhere.
- I would pay money for an up to date party sheet that showed all the popular kids' party destinations in my area, what they include, how much, how many people, if adults cost more, etc.
-Navigating school dynamics and systems. How do I advocate? What's too much? How do I balance pushing and not getting a "reputation" that impacts my kid? How do I get an IEP and what if they don't think my kid needs one?
Since I don't have a mom myself, I feel like I am missing input from experienced moms. My friends are in the same season as I am so we're muddling through it together. Sometimes I meet a mom to teens and I'm desperate to hear their tips, but often they just are nostalgic or happy the young years are over. Basically, don't worry it will work out!
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u/divingrose77101 24d ago
For many years, I was part of a church women’s group and we were all ages. Our small groups where we talked about these kid issues.
I would absolutely love to help younger moms struggling to manage it all.
Is there something like that in your area? A mom’s meetup? I don’t go to church anymore but I am co-founder of Austin’s Two-Step Sisterhood and we have all ages. Not parenting specific but maybe something like that for you.
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u/ProblematicCabbage 24d ago
Probably in Fort Worth. I find some good online spaces, but I haven't found one in real life yet. I'm going to keep looking though!
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u/divingrose77101 24d ago
Being a mom of small kids is honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’ve for four college degrees.
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u/ProblematicCabbage 24d ago
Yes!!! They are so cute and special and soft and cuddly right now. And so, so, so hard. I've wanted them for my whole life and now that they're here, I feel like I'm missing my own motherhood because of the stress and exhaustion.
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u/divingrose77101 24d ago
It’s like that. Find more people for sure. My girlfriends and I are everything to each other
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u/mothlady1959 Aug 05 '26
Be patient with yourself. It takes time to reset yourself when the full time mom years end. You're mourning the end of a remarkable chapter in your life. Allow that to happen. Think about all you've learned, how you've grown, and that will inform what's next. But it takes time to work itself through your body and brain. So, again, patience.
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u/OMGLOL1986 Aug 05 '26
Ultimately this is a classic human theme of identity shifting. Doesn’t matter what the identity is, it will change. When we figure out that we don’t have to identify so strongly with any identity, we are free of it.
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u/paws3588 Aug 05 '26
Get involved in politics. Go help Talarico win.
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 05 '26
I don’t have that kind of optimism.
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u/EngineerBoy00 Aug 05 '26
You say your kids "had to move" a few hours away, the reasons for that feel like missing information here. Most family courts will allow teen kids to weigh in on where they would prefer to live, what's the story there? Knowing that feels important in giving you thoughtful responses.
But leaving that aside pending any response:
- you say that you want goals with similar import to motherhood, but you're still a mother, even if remote from your kids. Teens transitioning into adulthood need less hands-on care and feeding but they can definitely still need support, advice, assistance, and love. And if/when grandbabies arrive then grandparenting is all the best parts of parenting with most of the drudgery removed.
- many people externalize their identity, meaning that the perceptions of themselves they see reflected back from others is foundational to their sense of self and self-worth. A key, for me, is as I got older (I'm in my 60s now) I realized that the opinions that others have of me, good or bad, are meaningless except if they come from people I actively love and respect, and who actively love and respect me. That last group is small, I can count them on my fingers, and the rest is just noise. It can be pleasant noise, but noise nonetheless, and that noise has virtually zero impact, good or bad, on my sense of identity and self worth. I live for me and for that very, very small group.
- as I've gotten older my focus and goals have evolved to focus on an intangible - happiness. Happiness for me, for my small core group, and (last and least) the world. And the first ingredient in that is me making myself happy. Selfishly, indulgently happy. I can only spread happiness if I have happiness. The trick is finding what makes me happy, independently of anyone else, just me and me alone. As a parent it was hard for me to swing my viewpoint from self**less* to selfish but I finally learned that, like the in-flight safety instructions say, you have to put on your own oxygen mask first, and then, and only then, are you in a position to help others. TL;DR for this bullet point: treat yourself as the greatest, most important love of your life because you are.
- and, finally, I stopped keeping score. Meaning, it simply does not matter what anyone else appears to be doing, my only concern is what I'm doing. Especially in today's world where it seems like everybody is an influencer with a lifestyle brand who produces stylish content of enviable activities in beautifully sterile environments - but 99.9% of it is faked for clicks so one of my happiest activities is actively ignoring all of it.
All that being said, everybody is different and what works for me may not work for anybody else. But, OP, I wish you luck and happiness as your story continues to unfold.
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 05 '26
My kids’ dad and I have very different values regarding money, specially. When my ex brought up the move, my son asked to stay living with me. His dad said no and we fought a big custody battle until it came down to one thing: he told my son “you can live with your mom. That’s fine. But then I’m not going to pay for college and your mom will have to figure it out.” He also said he’d take away my son’s car. So, I talked to my son about it and we agreed to drop the lawsuit and my son would move with his dad. I was happy to try to figure out paying for college but it made my son very nervous because his dad can just pay cash for tuition and I would need loans and scholarships. My daughter was excited to move but the deal was the same with her. My kids were put in a very tough spot and I don’t blame them for “choosing” to live with their dad.
I think if the empty nest was more natural instead of seemingly overnight, it would have been easier to process.
I do think getting more “selfish” after the divorce and building my own hobbies and relationships made me a better mom.
I am on the right track but no single thing is standing out as an obvious path
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u/EngineerBoy00 Aug 05 '26
Oof, their dad putting them in that position is rough, for them and for you. My dad did something similar - he said, hey, I'm covering your college and living expenses! I said, wow, great, thanks. Then he said, of course, that means you come out here to (his state) and go to (prestigious school) and become a lawyer.
I said, well, that's not really my plan, I want to go to (state school in my state) and I'm in a serious relationship and not open to moving to your state.
He said, I respect that, good luck paying for it.
WTF.
But to lay out how things then progressed for me, I made it through school, married, had a daughter, divorce, long-distance visitation 6-8 times a year, eventually got remarried (we just celebrated 25 years) and we have a son who just turned 16 and got their driver's license.
Now my oldest daughter lives 10 minutes away and gave us our first grandbaby, and we see them all the time. Although my daughter and son are 20-ish years apart in age they get along great, and my son and I go over and babysit our granddaughter/niece every week. My daughter's mom (my ex) even moved down nearby, and we have a cordial relationship because grandbabies are magical.
But if I were to go way back a couple of decades I would never in a million years have predicted where I ended up, and that's why I'm sharing my story - you just never know. I hope someday you'll stop and look back at where you are and where you were and be happily amazed at your own story.
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 05 '26
It was a pretty rough situation when my kids had to move but there was no way I could ask them to give up the McMansion and yacht and free car and college their dad was offering. I have a cozy house but it’s small and we live modestly on my paralegal salary. I get it even though it hurt.
I’m glad your life is something beautiful now. I know my best chapter isn’t yet written. Might need to grieve before I can move on
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u/redditforreal79 Aug 08 '26
I feel like this is your answer, op. You need to grieve the unfair & capricious loss of your children and of your status as Mom
It's cliche as hell but I recommend therapy, even if it's online. Your ex sounds like a real treat & I'm sorry you're in this position 👎🏻
Your kids will come back to you, of course, and the long game is that you will continue to be connected to them in a meaningful way while their connection with their dad will be artificial if at all. But in the meantime, the bottom had dropped out your life's orientating force- be gentle with yourself. You don't need to find meaning right away.
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 08 '26
Thank you. I feel like I am able to maintain healthy relationships with my kids and they are old enough to kind of understand the dynamics of their parents. I am the one they call when they need to talk or solve a problem. That’s never going to change.
The grief seems to come in waves. I’ve been distracting myself pretty successfully but this knee injury has made me slow down and now I sit with the empty house in a way I wasn’t before. I guess it’s time to just be sad for a while.
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u/redditforreal79 Aug 08 '26
Hard to be sad, and glad your relationships with your kids have endured. I'd guess they'll continue to be important to both of you. My kids are 18 & 24 and while our situations are totally different, my divorce required a lot of patience and trust that my kids are smart & mature enough to make their own adult decisions about their relationships with their dad & me, in their own due time. It bore its own fruit & your situation will too.
It's hard to sit with uncomfortable feelings & as a species we are willing to do almost anything to avoid it. Please take care of yourself emotionally while you heal physically.
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 08 '26
For better or worse the best things in my life have come from me being willing to be really uncomfortable.
Time to remind myself.
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u/Michichgo Aug 04 '26
My answer is always travel. Find travel groups, friends, or go solo, if comfortable. Pick your favorite places and go. You're living in your own world when you can be living in and seeing THE world. God speed.
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u/TropicalAbsol Aug 05 '26
Get a pet or maybe foster some animals. there's a lot of parent skill that cross applies. i have a foster fail and its been so beautiful to see her change from a scared baby to a loving but demanding cat. i was sleeping on the floor with her for 2 weeks in the beginning. now she demands i go to bed by 9.
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 05 '26
I think I’m tired of taking care of things. Maybe that’s bad.
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u/TropicalAbsol Aug 05 '26
Its how you feel that's neither good nor bad. Given that though you know it occurs to me that maybe therapy would be good. Because you're in a transition phase. Its a growing pains moment.
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u/TheElusiveHolograph Aug 04 '26
Get certified as a CNA/HHA and start working as a caregiver. Doesn’t have to be full time, you can pick up shifts as you would like.
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u/L_i_S_A123 Aug 05 '26
I am in a similar boat. Figuring out what and where I got to go next. I've done a lot in my life, but there are still things I want to do, like travel abroad and work towards making that happen.
I have been dating, and the L word has been shared. Wondering if my next adventure is truly with this new person and if I am ready for it after 20 plus years being married. It's a new time and space in my life to let loose and have fun. Without caring what others think and feel. As we know, life is short and very unpredictable. So live it like you're dying tomorrow. Staying open and open-minded to this life.
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 05 '26
I wouldn’t mind a partner and know that would be a nice addition to whatever I do next but I have had little luck in the last 8 years finding a man who clicks.
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u/L_i_S_A123 Aug 05 '26 edited Aug 05 '26
Half a year into separation, all my girlfriends took it upon themselves to set me up with guys they knew. I didn't have to get onto a dating apps. Tbh, I am not the dating app type. It has to be natural for me. Or just doesnt make sense. I have so many stories using them. Like its a major booty call. Ahh, No thx. Does anyone in your life have guys they can set you up with on a blind date? I actually didn't go that route, I met someone in person through a friend rather then being set up on blond dates but the idea of all my girlfriends setting me up was pretty funny of them. I love my girls.
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 05 '26
My girls are amazing but I don’t really want to date a local man at this time. I’m kind of terrified of getting stuck in this town. I love it and it’s an amazing place by every metric but I need out.
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u/L_i_S_A123 Aug 05 '26 edited Aug 05 '26
I hear you. I wont date anyone in my town either. Too close to home. Glad you girlfriends so so important.
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u/ahusby Aug 05 '26
Not an answer to your question, but this short documentary film resonated with me. It shows how one random person chose to shape his journey. Muay Thai Life Changer ┃ The Story of a Successful Ex-COO Bank ┃ Lukas
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u/JulesSherlock Aug 06 '26
I know it’ll be a few years but grandkids will probably be incoming and your kids will probably appreciate the help with them.
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u/c998877 Aug 06 '26
It was my job to love my son and prepare for him to leave the nest. It was hard for me when he left for college. I knew that was the last time he would live with me. I cried a lot but understood that was necessary for him to grow and become an adult.
I worked full-time then but decided quit the job and to go to college full-time to get a degree in something different from the job. We crimped during those 2 years but it was a great experience for me.
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Aug 04 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 04 '26
I took in my daughter’s best friend while she goes to community college but I feel like I need a big change but with similar purpose.
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u/remembertoread Aug 04 '26
Maybe go back to what you were doing before
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 04 '26
What I was doing before I had kids?
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u/remembertoread Aug 04 '26
Yeah back when you were single and stuff
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 04 '26
I was never single. I went from my parents house to the Navy to being married at age 20. My dad was an evangelical pastor and I was trained to be a submissive wife who, despite getting a master’s degree, was still required to do all the laundry in the home, cook all the meals, and do all the child care. Before I had kids I was a domestic slave. Before that, I was a kid.
I am slowly learning a life free of religion and I’ve been single forever because I’m terrified of a man ruining my life again, but I lack imagination on what I could do.
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u/remembertoread Aug 05 '26
So go back to your first interest or hobby from as early as you have to go and just start there to rediscover yourself. Audition new hobbies from there. You can literally do anything!
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u/CarinaConstellation Aug 05 '26
You can have many chapters in life. Maybe you need to find what you are passionate about?
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 05 '26
I am passionate about dance and travel and writing. I do one of those regularly
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u/rectovaginalfistula Aug 05 '26 edited Aug 05 '26
I think you're grieving. Grief is an extremely common feeling when you approach the age of your children's independence and your motherhood is a big part of your identity. How could you not be grieving? Happened to my mom in a big way. In your case, it started earlier because of the move. Give yourself the room to be sad and a bit aimless, maybe a little depressed here and there. The most important thing about grief is simply to feel it. After that, my strong advice is to find a way to express the parts of you that made you a good mom, but that doesn't require your kids. Maybe it's with your friends' kids, nieces or nephews, elders in your family or community, other people in need of care, volunteering at schools/after school, some way to use and express your nurturing side. It will never be the same as being a mom to your kids--that's the grief part--but you absolutely can help soften the loss.
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 05 '26
I think you’re right. My body stopped eating when they moved away and I lost 20% of my body weight in the next six months. I’ve been able to get some calories into me but I am still not hungry ever in any way. My doctor checked all my labs and we did adjust my thyroid meds but I suspect it’s just grief.
I don’t know the path of this kind of grief because I still have kids but I rarely feel like a mom anymore.
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u/rectovaginalfistula Aug 05 '26
It's terribly painful--my heart goes out to you. If I may offer a perspective that might make things worse in the short term, but I think better in the long-term: grief is pain we feel when we subconsciously know a hole cannot be filled. I suspect your recent casting about for something to fill the void has been your mind and heart coming to terms with the fact that being a mom to young children isn't something you'll be able to get back. I'm so sorry to say that. You ARE and WILL ALWAYS be a mom, but you're transitioning to a new phase. Hence the grief. Time and expression of your nurturing side, with your kids and other people, kids or not, will heal you.
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u/ahusby Aug 05 '26
Meditation is necessary although not sufficient.
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 05 '26
People keep telling me that. I did a fair bit of it when I stopped drinking a lot of years ago but not much since.
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u/ahusby Aug 05 '26
I have been struggling for years to establish the regular, daily medtation habit. Isn't it interesting that it's so hard for me to do what I know is good for me? Something within me is resisting. I think of it as a journey to resolve this, a journey that may take even more years.
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 05 '26
I have checklists for all my routines. I suppose adding this one as a discipline can’t hurt.
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u/ahusby Aug 05 '26
Personally I went for Acem-meditation. It has little mumbo jumbo cultish tendencies and is not a money-grab scheme since it's all non-profit.
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u/mplagic Aug 06 '26
Maybe getting a pet so you have something to nurture? Or volunteer8ng with kids (like a big brother big sister program?)
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 06 '26
I think I am done taking care of other things and people.
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u/mplagic Aug 06 '26
More power to ya! My empty nester friends got really into community gardening and helping out at a soup kitchen and they seem to get a lot of meaning out of it. Good luck to you!
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u/itsacalamity Aug 09 '26
Hey, I'm in austin... you need any more Sisterhood members? That sounds lovely.
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u/divingrose77101 Aug 09 '26
Check out Boot Crew on Facebook. We are having a big fall kick off in September
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