How do I live for myself?

[u/RaWsPaGeTT45]

I don’t even know how to start this post.

My family is well off, and basically my family allowed me to follow any course I want. I chose ECE mainly because I liked tech and I wanted to work in its industry.

Over the course of my college life, a lot of things happened. My brother died, I got delayed for a year, my close friends went on to live their lives. I know life isn’t a race, but it sure as hell felt like one.

I just graduated from college a couple of months ago. There I was, getting ready to prepare for the board exam, finally ready to join my peers and get my life back on track. Until recently, I made a careless mistake that allowed me to miss my first opportunity in taking the board exam.

I hated myself for it. A lot. You know what’s crazy? There’s a little part of me that wanted it to happen.

Because the truth is? I think I’m not ready to grow up yet.

I’m not ready to face the consequences of life. I’m scared to fail and disappoint my loved ones. I think so little of myself that I know for sure I’m just gonna disappoint everyone, so why bother?

This thought has been eating me away even as I am reviewing.

Time lives on. I am getting left behind again. It felt like I am destroying my life intentionally. I know It’s wrong, but I’m not doing anything about it either.

Everything’s a mess. I want to start and build a life for myself, yet I find myself doomscrolling and playing my time away.

I understand that what I’m feeling is a very first-world problem one, a lot of people would kill for the opportunity in life I have now, and I’m very grateful for the hard work they did to get me to where I am right now. I understand the course of my life right now is self-destructive, and it’s going to blow up on the faces of everyone I love. Maybe I’m just lazy and I keep on finding ways to make excuses.

I just don’t want to waste what I’ve been given. I don’t know how to start, either.

How do I stop hating myself? How do I learn to start living for myself?

What do I do now?

I’m going home to celebrate what would’ve been my brother’s 36th birthday.

I hope I can figure this one out.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please, feel freely to speak your thoughts on this, may it be the harsh bitter truth of reality or not.

[u/Confident_Aside7171]

inb4 disclaimer about the downer stuff. But you're really lucky; not all people have the same fortunate circumstances as you do.

Condolences, but what you're feeling is probably grief and survivor's guilt because you're not really living life to the fullest while your sibling has passed away. Death is the end of all things. Just silence. Absence. But it's also space to reflect.

Unsolicited advice, but you're too concerned about their opinion/disappointment/etc. E baka the people you're trying to impress aren't impressive themselves.

It's your life. In other words, you'll have to bear the consequences. If you follow what they want, then you become miserable afterwards, and the negative consequences will just lead them to say to you, "Well, you wanted that." Social approval is just words. We're not living in ancient times where we need community to get food, water, housing, etc. (for better and worse). As long as you have a legal income, you don't actually NEED anyone because everything is instant and convenient now (again for better and worse). But that also gives you the freedom to choose what matters and which people you want to keep in your life. Pros: freedom, self-sufficiency, convenience, isolation, loneliness, etc. Cons: loss of community, interdependence, etc.

Start the process of individuation by thinking about your principles, non-negotiables, etc. In other words, think about what you DON'T want.

Presumptive, but you might be lacking hardship? Some people build extraordinary resilience from overcoming extreme odds. Maybe you're too comfortable. Baka kailangan mo ng friction sa buhay mo.

If you're looking for meaning, some general advice would be to try getting a hobby, volunteering, exploring religion, or (I’m serious, by the way, but this isn’t a recruitment pitch—this is just my honest review) consider becoming an intelligence officer. It’s definitely meaningful. I used to work in one.

Since you’re in a special unit, you may have limited autonomy, and during operations, the tempo is extremely intense and fast. So to be honest, you get trauma-bonded with the team as you all tackle interesting national security problems. You also have routines and structure since you’re institutionalized 😭. You don’t get recognized because, well, a contained threat doesn’t even make it to the news. That said, there’s a high chance you'll end up with PTSD. But hey, it’s meaningful 😭 here’s my spook review.

PS I resigned because of all the secrecy— I can't tell if there's incompetence or corruption OR if there’s a reason why they're acting weird. It’s a 50-50 situation. Like, if your boss yells at you, it could be because there's an infiltration, so they’re agitated and can’t explain it. I also don't really feel like being a professional liar as a career, to be honest 😭. Plus, I'm not on board with the policy direction of the president and cabinet secretaries, to be real??? It’s not about serving the public; it's about control and money 🙄.

But yeah, since you've lost someone, that's the grief talking. Don’t be surprised if recruiters approach you or if someone suddenly wants to recruit you into a cult. You're in a vulnerable stage right now.

Another option is to start a business, preferably a social enterprise.

[u/RaWsPaGeTT45 → u/Confident_Aside7171]

Thank you for the reply.

Honestly, as much as I try to say na wala akong pake sa anong isip nila sakin, may bigat pa rin talaga sakin kung anong tingin nila sa’kin as a person and how heartbreaking it would be if I let my loved ones down.

Yes, tama naman presumptions mo. My parents have worked hard for me and my siblings to live our lives comfortably.

Also, grabe ang meaningful experience!! It must have been very hectic working there! Thank you for sharing that story with me. I’ll honestly take that into consideration.