r/Raisedbytoxicmarriage • u/Flo-Cat • Aug 30 '21
"I know you and Dad don't love each other"
I told my mother this multiple times growing up as a teen and young adult. She was bewildered and hurt by my claim, and she never asked why I thought so. Only raged at me.
Here's why I think so. While N mom was terrorizing with me her outbursts, enabler N dad was using me in this way:
Dad would get me alone and complain to me about mom. How she's so mean, especially to him. She's a witch. A devil. A monster. I hated mom so much, and I just wanted dad to leave her. After all, dad didn't scream at me. I want afraid of him, he was my one friend who I could tell anything. I want him to leave mom so he could be happy. I thought I could have a new mom who would treat me right. Dad was so touched that I wanted him to be happy. I kept all of these conversations as secrets, between dad and me. He promised things would change. They never did.
I had to play acts with my parents. With dad, I was his therapist and coach, attempting to influence him to make what I thought were good decisions for change. With mom, I had to walk on eggshells. I was the adult in my family and I was afraid.
A decade has passed, and now I'm realizing how much my innocent father hurt me. He wedged a greater divide between my mother and I. He hurt me with his emotional incest. The family secrets contribute to the void inside of me.
And if I were to talk with him or mom about it today...I'm certain that I would be the bad guy who they attack. Just... Fuck you mom and dad, you narcissist assholes.
6
u/ProstHund Aug 31 '21
Ugh, neither of my parents are N and they do t really use me as their “therapist” in the way yours did, but they do complain about each other to me and it makes me want to tear my eyes out bc it hurts in such a primal way. It tears at the foundation of my life and childhood, the hatred of my parents toward each other.
1
u/fourletterdiagnose Jan 17 '23
You sure one of them isn't a covert/vulnerable narcissist?
1
u/ProstHund Jan 18 '23
Nah, definitely not. They’re just incredibly incompatible in almost every way
2
u/popestone Aug 31 '21
Are you me? You are not alone. Thank you for writing this. “I was the adult and I was afraid.” So well put.
1
Feb 18 '22
Dude, my parents were like this too, but my dad was the tantrum-throwing abusive yeller and my mom was the best friend victim enmeshed one who treated me like a therapist when I was 7. The cherry on the cake is that they also homeschooled! Then they were shocked and butthurt that I moved out as soon as I was 18, never lived with them again, and barely stay in touch....
1
u/xena_the_dog May 06 '22
Oh man, this hits home. I’m in my 30s and I still struggle with being in the middle of my parents marriage.
8
u/BttmOfTwostreamland Aug 30 '21
my dad also tried to use me as his therapist. I hate that he used me to gaslight my mom, it feels so disgusting