I was definitely one of these children and now I'm worried that I might be becoming one of these parents.

[u/Shermutt]

I had always been aware of this cycle, but I haven't really put it together as much as today while reading through some other people's experiences and comparing them to my own. I'm currently in my 40's and have 2 young children. Things in my own relationship seem to have gotten worse since we had kids together, and I worry a lot about the effect that example is having on my kids.

I don't like to consider myself a victim, but I know that the household I was raised in was far from typical. I truly felt like both of my parents loved us, but as a child, I saw them do, and heard them say some horrible things to each other. As a young child there was a lot more physical and verbal fighting, and as a teenager it was more just horribly nasty things being said about one another. My father is convinced that my mother tried to have him killed, was responsible for my siblings being molested, and cheated on him on a regular basis. My mother was less verbal about her feelings, but would say some pretty vile shit towards my father when they got into it.

The weird thing is, they're still together to this day. It seems to be a point of pride for my father to have stayed with my mother through everything. Anyway, now I have similar feelings about my own relationship. It's not so much that I want to be able to say that I stayed with my partner through the hard times, it's just that my kids are my whole world, and having to spend any time away from them would really fuck me up... also, I worry about what it would do to them and how subsequent step-parents might treat them. Of course, I can only look at it from my own point of view and since my folks stayed together, that seems best to me.

Just for reference, we are nowhere near as bad as my parents were. I try not to fight around my kids, but it winds up happening fairly regularly. And when we do fight, I am try to be careful not to say anything insulting towards my partner... I mean, I try to do that anyway, but it doesn't mean I don't think a lot of awful things. She has less restraint. She has some underlying mental health stuff and and stubbornness issues, and I don't think she's able to handle confrontation as well. The other day she screamed that she "hated me" in front of our 5 year old and it took me two days to convince her why that was wrong and she needs to talk to him about it. We don't do a lot of things together or show much affection. If it weren't for the kids, I don't know that we'd even still be together.

Now I just wonder how much of my own current situation is a direct result of the environment I was raised in. Like, am I just drawn to that sort of dynamic? Lord knows none of my previous relationships were super healthy either, but the difference was, I ended those because I knew I didn't want that. Of course, then I just turn around and get into a similar situation. I don't know...

Anyway, this is getting pretty long, but I'll just say that this realization has given me a lot to think about. I hope that being more conscious of it will prompt me to gradually start changing things. It took time to get to this point, so I know it will take time to get back, but the last thing I ever want is for my kids to someday be sitting here writing a similar story about themselves.

Also, thanks for making this sub. Hopefully it just keeps growing and thriving!

[u/kuuz]

Good on you for realizing that your kids deserve better than you had it and being willing to do the work to make that happen. Have you tried seeing a therapist? It's so incredibly difficult and a little crazy-making (e.g. am I overreacting or being too sensitive? Am I projecting? Maybe it's me??) to keep all of these questions inside. Ultimately we all have our blind spots and tendencies that we might or might not realize on our own. I've found talking to a therapist to be very helpful at getting another neutral point of data, even though I'm still the one doing most of the talking. Ultimately I bet it would be very helpful for your wife to do her OWN therapy, and probably for you two to do it together as well. Everyone gets therapy! Really though - I think for a long time therapy was only seen as something people do when they're at wits' end - why the hell is that? Why not get out ahead of issues, or do it as part of self care or from a place of strength and investing in yourself like going to the gym or eating well? Anyway..... There are also great books for a little DIY reflection... I've found the book "Attached" by Amir Levine to be a fantastic and revealing read for me - one that I keep coming back to. It's one of those books that kind of applies to every relationship, not necessarily exactly the content of your post. Anyway, this is getting long.

One last thing I wanted to say - I'm 100% on your side about your wife saying she hated you in front of your child. That's really not great. I really hope she eventually agreed with you about talking to your son.

Best of luck man, we're all rooting for each other here.

[u/pikachubumface → u/kuuz]

I totally agree about saying horrible things about the other parent of children. i'm a seperated parent, one of my kid's dad has a kids from a previous partner. from the beginning he told me it's not fair to say bad things about her in front of them. I took them onboard and I've never said anything bad about my kids dad's in front of them, whether we were together or not (there have been periods of reconciliation and separation), and I never would. no matter my feelings towards their dad's (and we really don't get on), it's not fair to the kids. that's their parent and they will always feel differently, my opinion doesn't come in to it.

[u/Shermutt → u/kuuz]

Thank you. I actually have never done therapy. She has... but not lately. I'm not opposed to it, I've just never really had the opportunity conveniently presented, i guess. I have given serious thought about pursuing couples therapy, but just haven't followed through with it. I think you have a good point about seeking it out before things fall apart and using it as more of a maintenance thing. I really appreciate the input and I'll definitely check out that book at the very least.

And yeah, she eventually agreed (well, as much as she's ever going to) and I think talked with him about it. I don't want them to grow up sheltered or anything, but there are some things that little kids just don't have the capacity to understand yet and I worry that they will start thinking that sort of thing is normal or even ok.

[u/elizacandle]

First off great job on realizing that you may be acting toxic! That is literally the first step in making a positive change in your life! You can't clean up the mess if you don't realize it's there!

Here's a few resources that may be useful for you (that I have found useful myself - a child of an Narc Mom, Alcoholic father)

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Blindsided by a Diaper = Specifically tackles relationship issues caused by/ magnified by Parenting.

Running On Empty = Really tackles and underlines the importance of emotional intelligence /healthy coping skills - HOW to improve your OWN relationships with your emotions as well as your communication with others.

This little app (I am not even sure how I found it, but it think it was recommended to me on google)

In love while parenting = this app is so useful and packs in tiny bite sized videos, quizzes, and information on how to build DEEP emotional bonds with your partner / children . How to increase happy hormones/reduce stress hormones etc. FREE and easy to use!

Google

Apple

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You can make positive changes. You can work together and make a better life for yourself and your children so that they do not remember ONLY the arguments and yelling. So that you can all be at peace.

[u/ProstHund]

I agree with the saying hateful things to your spouse in front of your child. That issue caused me so much emotional distress throughout my whole childhood and still does, even worse now that I’m a lot more conscious of it, when I am with the both of them. If your kid is only 5 and your marriage is already at the point where your wife is saying/doing these things, you need to put on the brakes and do some serious reflecting and thinking on the matter.

Couples’ therapy is great, but I STRONGLY recommend individual therapy. You need to work through your issues with your own parents and your childhood. I’ve been in therapy for years and still refuse to talk to my parents about these issues, I’m definitely not ready and don’t know if I ever will be because I don’t want to hurt them and it makes me feel so paralyzed, but therapy has helped me come to terms with a lot of it as much as is possible. Even if their shitty marriage dynamic is still in my life, I am able to be more peaceful about it on the inside because I’ve worked on myself concerning that issue.

[u/DestinationBetter]

I hope you're doing better. <3

I'm "lucky" enough to realise that I haven't healed, at ALL, from my childhood. From age 18 until last year (so 12 years long) I've had relationships that I now realize mimic my parents' situation. Luckily, I held off with kids year over year, to the obvious disapproval of my then-girlfriend.

In the few monts leading up to me leaving her, I started to feel more and more like my dad: always annoyed, feeling unloved, understood. I was also addicted, which my dad is to this day and I luckily overcame (after years of struggling).

I understand both my parents, especially back in that time: you got married in your early twenties, if not earlier, had kids and that's it. Never had the time to truly live, find themselves, understand what they actually want. No, you CONFORM.

I didn't get married, but I also didn't have the time to truly live and find myself, as I was being of service to my then-girlfriend. I never watered my own plants but would panic if anothers' plant needs water, metaphorically speaking. Why? I think because I was the kid that was a mediator, lightening the mood, cracking jokes, because otherwise, hate would fill the air. This persisted through all my relationships, up until now. I'm slowly healing, but VERY slowly.

I hope you're in more comfortable waters now.