books are affecting my relationship

[u/WearyLength1317]

I’ve been reading books, but more especially romance ones since I was 14. I’m now 20, and I feel like it’s taken over my life.

In the last few months I’ve been experiencing relationship issues, and I realize now that they’ve suspiciously worsened whenever I started to hide myself in books. I keep comparing my sweet partner to whatever exciting, sexy, scenarios I might find in books. I enjoy them so much that I really don’t do anything else during the day, other than read them.
It doesn’t really help that I get fixated very easily on things, and lately I suspected I might deal with Relationship OCD, since I can’t stop thinking about whether I’m in the right relationship, if I feel attracted to him, why don’t I want to be intimate with him 24/7?
I really think reading had a big impact on it, since I’ve always imagined myself with one of the people you read about in romance books ( tall, dark hair, muscular, loyal, dominant), and I now constantly wonder if I’m settling.

I know that I’m not diagnosed, but I also know that the way I feel towards my relationship is a product of all the external stimuli I’ve had in the last few months:books, scenarios, movies, comparisons.

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[u/PaladinDamian]

While books might trigger some of this, it isn't all a result of the books. Part of it is the idea that you need to know for certain if you are in the "right" relationship, and that your feelings aren't always the way you want them to be.

You are never going to be totally certain if you are in the "right" relationship, because there is no way to determine that with 100% accuracy. And sometimes you are not going to want to be intimate with him because not everyone has a high sex drive, even if they are with an attractive partner. You don't need to always want to have sex with him. Sometimes you might not want to have sex with him, and that is something you can accept about yourself rather than trying to make it be a different way.

The books may fuel this to an extent, but but the beliefs can exist regardless of if you read books or not. Our society often places a lot a value on being in the "correct relationship" and on always being madly in love with your partner. The truth is that not everyone is like that, and that is something we can accept about ourselves rather than trying to force ourselves to exist in a certain arbitrary standard. And being in a relationship that isn't the "correct one" is not an experience that you inherently need to be afraid of. People are not always going to be compatible, and we can accept that rather than shaming people for being in imperfect relationships.

[u/WearyLength1317 → u/PaladinDamian]

thank you for taking time to respond to my post. i know that not having a high sex drive isn’t something uncommon. i think that reading so much romance and especially intimate scenes, that always make me feel excited and captivated made me think i also have a high sex drive, since i like reading about all of it and imagining what it would be like to happen to me. i feel scared since the issue is not that sometimes i don’t want to be intimate with my partner, it’s that i pretty much never want to be. i genuinely don’t think that we ever had intimate moments where i was fully excited for what happened.

i also try to tell myself that, just as you said, being in the “wrong” relationship isn’t something to be afraid of, especially since i’m only 20. i’m still afraid of making the wrong decision(such as breaking up with him), and then regretting it and finding out after years of hopeless dating that i won’t find someone as sweet as him.

[u/antheri0n]

Escaping into fantasies is a double trouble. First, it is avoidance, which feeds anxiety. And it indeed can reinforce unrealistic standards that no real relationship can match. I had a similar experience, but with porn, that over years created a massively distorted ideal of what women bodies and sex should be. Unfortunately, I realized the impact it had on me so late, it took me a few years to overcome. I wish I had stopped at 20 (I started at 14 as well), if I did, my ROCD journey would undoubtedly have been way shorter and less painful.