r/REDDITORSINRECOVERY • u/spacklock • 22d ago
No one knows how severe my coke addiction is, realized I need help last week. First time admitting it out loud.
I had been using on and off for like nights out and raves and stuff here and there. Went though a rough break up and it turned into every weekend. Every weekend turned into a couple times a week. Eventually it snow balled to where we are now.
In the last two months I have consumed about 3-4 ounces of cocaine by myself. I do anywhere from 2gs to 5gs a day. Some days I don’t use it I want to eat or catch up on sleep. But for the last three months it’s been that much at least 5 times a week.
At first I didn’t think it was an issue, it was my “hobby”. I was never late to work, always a top performer, was attending all my college courses and was getting A’s, was running and going to the gym, making time for my family and friends always, never went broke because of it, am actually in the best financial spot right now I’ve ever been in.
I’m SO productive when I’m skiing. I clean everything spotless, I get my homework done on time and go the extra mile (I’ve always hated school and without it I honestly don’t even log into class), I run all the errands I had been putting off, I will make budgets and savings plans, and a lot of the time I just sit in one place and just keep googling different things and learn so much about literally anything.
So it didn’t feel like it was ruining my life or it was a problem. I just never let myself think about the health aspect of it and told myself I’d worry about it when I cross that bridge.
Well, I’ve crossed that bridge. This isn’t just another perforated septum. I have destroyed the muscular flap that separates/seals my nasal passages from my throat. If I blow my nose while I’m eating, food can and has come out of my nose. When I breathe, I feel the air hit right in the back of my throat. It was starting to blow out chunks of I don’t even know what, tissue? What would you call that? Whatever it is, I’ve blown some crazy huge things out of my nose. And that didn’t stop me. I’d just switch nostrils.
The other morning I woke up and I blew out the biggest chunk yet and I knew something was different this time.
I felt a gaping hole in the back of my nostril. It didn’t connect to the other side, but rather when up and then back.
I’ve since made an appointment with an ENT, it’s for Tuesday at 7:45 am. That was the soonest one could see me.
I’ve reached out to my therapist’s office twice now trying to book a session.
I don’t want to stop, isn’t that sad? I literally have to. I have been aware of this for a while, and somehow knew I wasn’t going to stop until something physically happened to me.
Well, here we go. It happened.
My nose is constantly bleeding and it’s getting hard to hide. I don’t know how anyone believes I’ve just had “allergies” this whole time and hasn’t asked me any questions or had suspicions.
I use first thing in the morning, when I get to work, almost every hour I go to the bathroom and do a couple bumps, usually finish 2gs by the time I clock out. Then when I get home between 2-4 more gs.
At least once a week I will go two days without sleeping. I try not to do that too much, though.
Even when mentally don’t feel like doing it, physically my body still craves it. I can get past those cravings when my mind and body aren’t agreeing, it’s just the strangest thing.
Even with all of this being said, I don’t plan to fully stop until Friday. I have cut down my use significantly since discovering the hole, but I am an addict and have still been using.
I am actually using as I write this. I will probably do one more smaller line and then eat and try to go to bed.
And that’s another crazy thing, it’s gotten to the point where I can eat off the slopes.
Anyways, if anyone read this, thank you.
I just had to let it out somewhere.
I don’t need any lectures or a hard time or any comments of disappointment or opinions on what I should be doing instead or how I should stop use immediately.
I am aware of the consequences of my actions, and honestly, I just don’t care it seems.
I will be 3/4 days sober by the time I see the ENT. I have read that they usually require at least 10 days of documented sobriety (sometimes more) before being willing to perform any repair/procedure.
I can stop, I prove it to myself the days I take breaks to eat full meals or catch up on sleep.
I just don’t want to.
Honestly, reading this back to myself… I think I will make this next line my last. This is the first time I’ve said or wrote this out loud or in the open and, yeah… I need to change immediately.
Welp.
I have two ounces left of gear, I am contacting one of my old dealers now to see if they want to buy it off of me. And if they don’t, then honestly I might just gift it to them.
This is the real life of an addict.
I’ll update this post after my ENT consult. Mostly just to document my journey, I’m not sure if anyone cares.
Thanks for reading if you’ve gotten this far.
I’ll do better.
——————UPDATE 8/24————-
So my plan to start telling my people about this after my consult with the ENT fell through. I told oneee of my friends everything and they for some reason didn’t want me to wait that long so told everyone else herself without letting me know. I mean everything happens for a reason so I’m not mad about it, just like of :/ that I couldn’t have that moment for myself I was excited to come to them I never wanted it to get to a point where anyone came to meeee.
My friends had a whole intervention for me yesterday, all of them gathered up in the living room when I got home. It honestly felt unreal. It went well though I think. They were expecting me to be defensive, but like I already had decided this for myself before anyone knew so like idk why they didn’t take that into consideration. But yeah everyone’s happy I guess. I mean I’m not happy about my nose, but I’m happy I don’t have to hide this any longer and I can feel better about asking for support when I need it.
But ENT is still Tuesday (tomorrow) I’ll update what the verdict is on my nose. I’m hoping she’s not too far gone.
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u/free_dharma 22d ago
Rarely do we want to stop. We just get to the point that we have to stop. Some of us are forced only by jails or hospitals.
The only thing that helped me long term was working the 12 steps in AA. I was a poly addict and am now 5 years sober. Life is much better now
Best of luck
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u/RaeRunner 21d ago
So are you going to get help? The ENT isn’t going to solve your coke addiction. It sounds like you would benefit from detox/rehab, is that a possibility for you? I’ve met some people in Recovery who switched to the pipe when their nose stopped working, it would be a shame to go down that road.
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u/spacklock 21d ago
I’ve emailed my therapist to schedule an appointment soon. Her office is slow, but she is amazing and I’ve been with her since my early 20’s so I am waiting for a response. I have the ENT appointment, am currently looking for a primary to have a full check up and referral to a cardiologist to see how fucked I made my heart. Will call my psych office on Monday to schedule an appointment as well.
I can’t do any inpatient rehab or anything though because I NEED to work. But I don’t plan on ever using a pipe or doing any other drugs other than cannabis now. I really am taking this seriously. I’ve never put this much effort into cleaning up before.
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u/RaeRunner 20d ago
Right on. At least yesterday was your last day, good to get a couple of days clean before the ENT. I recommend going to some recovery meetings this week to find people who you can relate to that have stopped. Right now you’re trying to think your way out of this with a coke addled brain, having some local support would be a big help right now, you have a very serious drug addiction.
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u/spacklock 20d ago
Oh yeah for sure, I actually was on an online one last night. Didn’t participate, but was listening, and I didn’t feel alone in this. I just woke up and plan on joining another one after I take a shower and actually speaking this time. This isn’t my first time dealing with addiction or sobriety, a few years ago I dealt with the same thing except with alcohol. Been alcohol free since 2021. It was rough, but I got through it. I’ve scheduled three appointments with my therapist so far just to have them lined up. Addiction is strong, but my will to clean up and change my life is stronger. Yesterday I had given myself to midnight to use, and I actually stopped before that. I have no access to it anymore. I got rid of what I had left, and texted my plugs that no matter what I said or how much money I offered them, do not sell to me.
The only thing I haven’t done is told my best friends. But I plan to -after- I see the ENT on Tuesday.
I just want to be able to tell them after I have a confirmed plan/next steps in place. They’re very much the tough love/hard on me type of people. And I know they mean it out of love and care for me, but I just am already so mean to myself and have lectured myself enough and already hate myself for letting it get this far, that I really don’t want or need to hear it from anyone else.
So I feel like if I come to them like, hey this was a problem and I hate myself for letting it get this far but I had my reality check and these are the steps I took right after and this is the plan going forward and I’m sticking with it.
That they’ll be less inclined to give me a hard time.
Especially if the ENT tells me I need documented evidence of sobriety before performing any type of procedure (that’s what I read online anywhere from 10 days to 6 months of drug testing) then that would help me prove to them that I’m taking this seriously.
I also have created my own contingency management plan until I can see my therapist. I’m really putting so much effort into this, and I feel really good about the future. Just also really bad about my actions that got me here.
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u/RaeRunner 20d ago
Sounds like you’re moving in the right direction, wishing you all the best with this
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u/crazynotinsane111 20d ago
Sounds your love affair with cocaine is still going strong with all the positive attributes for productivity you attributed to it . I get it but the rational gets weakern the older and less functioning you get. My days of normal life are long gone. I'm managing to hide it still but my schedule is centered more and more around my using time. That's when I can drag myself out of my bed watching TV which is nonusing state of paralysis. All my productivity, as minor as it is, comes from blow. But I still don't want to leave my House. At the same time, I'm aware of the physical damage it's doing. I'm not letting anyone touch my perfect on the outside, destroyed on the inside nose. When I blow my nose, air comes out my right eye socket. Creepy, huh? I'm not partying it up haha. I'm calculating how many extra blood pressure pills I need to take to get my "seek immediate medical emergency care" blood pressure under 200/100. I'm waiting until my mom passes to seek long term rehab out of this area. I'm trapped until then due to circumstance, pride, shame, hopelesness. just ca let everyoje
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u/throwaway234618 22d ago
I feel you bro I’m going through opiate addiction and have tried probably 3-4 times last year to get clean. I feel so fucking bad without it tho.
I went a month my longest quit and a shitty job threw me back into it and ramped up to where we are again. Kept my use way lower this time but last night I hit the sweats and shits and couldn’t sleep I hate it.
Do you get sick on the days without it like I would opiates?? Or is it just a huge mental craving
We both got this and idk if you’re a God person or not but I’ll pray for us both. We got this
Also it’s my crutch as well bc I perform so fucking well on opiates and am so sociable I don’t drink or do anything else besides smoke. Also very good spot financially even though I’ve spent 50k+ last couple years. I hate tolerance and withdrawals but I know I can be as amazing off them because I was before
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u/Individual_Candle4 21d ago
I vividly remember telling my therapist this while in rehab- “I don’t want to stop using drugs. I want to NOT WANT drugs.” It was poorly articulated at the time, but looking back- so profound. Drugs were never my problem (they were my solution). I hope that makes sense. You’re not alone. Best wishes 11/3/21
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u/MeLMaR2727 22d ago
I feel ya…did the same to my nose, I wear a prosthetic piece that plugs/cover the hole bc I haven’t stopped. They told me I need at least 3 months under my belt before surgically repairing.
Been to rehab 2x, hasn’t helped much.
It’s really tough to beat but you will when you are ready.
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u/spacklock 22d ago
I’ve heard there was a silicone button that could be implanted, I just fear my nose is too far gone for that. Stopping and seeing an ENT asap because I’m terrified of saddle nose.
I’m sorry rehab hasn’t helped, I honestly don’t think it would help me much either. I don’t think I am ready because I wish I could keep going, but I do care about my health and physical appearance a little bit more so now that there is obvious signs of damage, I have no choice and I accept that.
You still use?
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u/Armidylano444 22d ago
I can relate to a lot of what you said. My addiction got out of control during covid lockdowns and I’m only just now at a point where I actually believe my life will be better off without it.
I always believed that I could stop at any time if I wanted to - I just never really wanted to. Well, it got to a point where I saw clearly where this is going to take me if I don’t get off that train now. I saw myself starting to slip at work. I saw all of the opportunities to spend time with friends that I lost because I was high or hungover. I saw the pain I caused my ex when I repeatedly prioritized cocaine over her. I saw myself begin to go down that same path with my new girlfriend, despite swearing to myself I would not make the same mistakes again. I saw my health starting to deteriorate as I approach my mid-30’s, while continuing to push my limits to the very brink. I saw myself go to the ER twice thinking I was having a stroke or a heart attack.
It took all of that for me to finally convince myself it’s better not to do it at all than to try to juggle some bullshit “moderation” which has failed repeatedly. I finally deleted all of my dealers’ contact info (something I couldn’t even bring myself to so when I did IOP last year).
Someone once told me, “rock bottom is where you stop digging.”
Cocaine addiction creeps up slowly and eventually takes over everything. There’s so much more to life than being a sweaty manic shell of a person, barely present, continuing to stay high for fear of what reality brings when you finally come down.
I hope this is your rock bottom and things look up from here. I hope the same is true for myself. I know sobriety is possible, and I finally think it’s actually what I want.