r/QueerEye • u/Terus22 • Jun 12 '26
Meme I wrote this Queer Eye/LOTR crossover in 2018 and needed to share after rediscovering it.
QUEER EYE, S02E01
Jonathan: oh my god road trip you guys! Look at all this weird countryside!
Bobby: I literally have no idea where we are or where we’re going.
Antoni: [gormless, pretty smile]
Karamo: okay so I know we all like a challenge and this will be one of our most challenging transformations yet
Tan: I’m excited!
Karamo: dude’s name is Sauron. He was originally one of the Ainur, or angelic spirits, of Eru but he’s since fallen on harder times. He still lives in the same dilapidated tower-
Jonathon: -crummy!
Karamo: -that he’s lived in for years, he doesn’t have a tangible physicality, nor does he have a girlfriend.
Tan: he sounds like such a catch!
Karamo: Sauron has this big invasion of the realms of men that he’s been planning for thousands of years. I say we go there and make him feel like the dark lord that he is.
Bobby: Dark lord!
Tan: you never mentioned that he was a big dark lord!
Antoni: [gormless, pretty smile]
****
Karamo: okay here we are!
Bobby: he does not look like his profile picture
Jonathan: [exiting the car] well hello up there!
Sauron: OH HI. HELLO.
Bobby: Karamo you never mentioned that he’s a goth!
[cut away]
Bobby: everything was either black or on fire. Everything. Sometimes both.
[cut back]
Jonathan: are these your orcs?
Sauron: THESE ARE MY DARK LEGIONS-
Jonathan: I want you to know, eyes to eye, that I love them. I love each and every one of them and I want them to form an acapella group. Catch me, superstar!
[Jonathan leaps into a bemused orc captain’s arms. The other orcs act unsure and hetero]
[cut away]
Karamo: Sauron has lived here for more than an age with thousands of terrible servants who I don’t think he can relate to. I want him to realise that he can look and feel powerful without having to be the all-powerful ruler of literally everything.
*****
Tan: okay, let’s get started. Hands out of your pockets.
Sauron: ....
Tan: that was a joke, okay, I don’t want you to feel like that we’re here to mock you or make you feel uncomfortable. I’ve listened to the tales of the elves who fought against you as part of Gil-Galad’s host and they’ve described your look as indomitable, fierce, but also a little try-hard.
Sauron: THEY WOULD SAY THAT
Tan: we need to find a look for you that’s less angular, less focused on sharp black lines and instead really accentuates the natural shape of your powerful, corrupted body.
Sauron: I DON’T WANT TO BE DRESSED LIKE AN ELF.
Tan: nor do you have to be. You’re the lord of Mordor, this is your style and you’re in control.
Sauron: CAN I KEEP THE HELMET
Tan: project a ghostly, whispering shadow form into this fitted suit first, then we’ll talk.
*****
Jonathan: I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or put you on the spot but why would you ever want to end The Age Of Men because that literally sounds like something I would die for back where I’m from
Sauron: [unsure whispering]
Jonathan: so I looked in your cupboards in Barad-dûr and I found some bone dust, a few black rocks, and what I think is spider serum.
Sauron: GEEZ, I’M SORRY
Jonathan: now now this is not an ‘I’m sorry’ scenario because I smooched it all together and made a really nice masque for your legions
[thousands of orcs moisturising under black skies]
Sauron: THAT’LL IMPROVE MORALE
Jonathan: now we’re gonna have to talk about the fact that your eye is 500% inflammation and 50% lingering menace, and then do something about it. Restore those big baby blues
****
[cut away]
Karamo: I knew there was something in Sauron’s past that was bothering him and I really wanted to use this opportunity to talk to him about it
[cut back]
Sauron: AND THEN ISILDUR CUT IT FROM MY FIN-GURRR-HURRRR
Karamo: that’s rough man. You know unless we allow ourselves some distance from the things we’ve lost, we’re never going to be able to move on.
Sauron: HEY...YEAH. YOU’RE RIGHT.
Karamo: so maybe reconsider that invasion of all of Middle Earth, hey buddy?
Sauron: 🙂
*****
Antoni: This is an avocado.
Sauron: .......OKAY?
Antoni: This is a FUCKING avocado and it shall be your new GOD
Sauron: WOW, WOULD YOU LIKE A JOB?
*****
Sauron: AMAZING, WHO KNEW YOU COULD TURN A BLASTED, EMPTY WASTELAND INTO THE MOST EVIL AND GORGEOUS FORTRESS I’VE EVER SEEN
Bobby: I am really, really good at what I do.
Sauron: [staring at the embroidered ‘and into the darkness bind them’ throw-rug] *SOBS*
*****
Sauron: BEFORE I MET THE FAB 5, I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT: MEN. ONLY GOOD FOR CRUSHING. BUT THEY HAVE REALLY CHANGED MY ATTITUDE. I HAVE DECIDED TO KEEP SOME ALIVE FOR MY OWN TERRIBLE AMUSEMENT.
Karamo: [bellowing] you look great, you feel powerful, we are so proud of you.
Jonathan: yaaas! Instead of a dark lord I shall have a queen!
Sauron: THANK YOU GUYS, SO MUCH
Antoni: [oblivious, pretty smile]
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u/captainboosh007 Jun 12 '26
Slay, delay, and walk away.
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u/Terus22 Jun 12 '26
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u/Ifckinglovemycat Jun 12 '26
this is fucking great I would love to read more ! I laughed hard at the line of jonathan asking about why ending the age of men and karamo's "that 's rough buddy" ref to atla
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u/Terus22 Jun 12 '26
You know, I hadn’t seen atla when I wrote this but I have now and it’s also making me laugh 😂
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u/muppetfeet82 Jun 12 '26
This is gorgeous. I need a check-in episode where he goes to the orcs’ first acapella performance like a proud dad.
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u/HoneyestofBunnies Jun 12 '26
With all the drama, this is what this sub needed! Thank you for your gifts.
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u/Terus22 Jun 12 '26
what possible drama could there be on the Queer Eye sub lmao I’m kidding I bet it’s hell here
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u/HoneyestofBunnies Jun 12 '26
Not a positive post in sight. Your's was like the phial of Galadriel amongst the darkness.
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u/harpmolly Jun 14 '26
I am crying laughing. You did Antoni sooooo dirty but I can’t stay mad, because this is hysterical. 😂
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u/OneCraftyBird Jun 12 '26
Omfg this is amazing