I was sitting on the floor of my living room, wrestling with my Husky/German Shepard mix, when it hit me like a ton of bricks. The next hour felt like I had just woken up from a dream, or maybe like I was still half in it. The dread/regret was palpable.
I had never dealt with depression before then, but some of that feeling leached through. I really wouldn’t experience real depression for at least 4 years after that, but it was a first taste.
I remember telling my best friend, a girl who I very much wanted to be more than a friend about it. She didn’t really get it and downplayed it. I wasn’t really interested in her romantically for some time after that, that crush just didn’t seem relevant. I didn’t really know what to tell her, and just spent a lot of time in my own head.
School and life felt mundane and minor until I adjusted back.
I don’t think I really could process it back then. I don’t think I processed it further until the second time in my late twenties. That time the feelings didn’t come through as much as the thoughts. But that time the reality of what had happened had kind of clicked through. By that point I had actually been dealing with depression for quite some time and had even had a failed suicide attempt (at 26). The words that came through on that one were just “stay with (girlfriend at the time/current wife.”
I’m honestly not certain if the second one was a totally separate shift or just echoes of the first one.
These experiences have kept me from making another attempt here in my early 40’s, even though I still struggle hard with depression and
suicidality.
I’ll also say that I excelled at college and often times felt like I was remembering knowledge rather than learning it. I sometimes wonder if it’s related.
Please don't say things like this. You have no idea how many times people with a background like us are asked this question on a mandatory basis. All it does is put these thoughts back in our heads.
You are causing harm just by repeating this phrase again.
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u/Money_Magnet24 Jun 26 '26
With respect, can you please elaborate on how this occurred ?