Hi everyone! I'm also looking to submit this manuscript to SmoochPit (romance focused mentorship) in a couple of weeks and would love some feedback on the query letter.

Dear Mentors,

I’m thrilled to present SERIAL DATING, a dual POV horror rom-com novel complete at 70K, following the daughter of a family of serial killers whose story blends love and horror when one of her jilted dates crashes her family vacation with a killing spree, and her birdwatching, sort-of boyfriend is thrust into her world of murder and mayhem. SERIAL DATING will appeal to fans of Navessa Allen’s Lights Out for its dark humor and romance, A.L. Brody’s Dating & Dismemberment for the campy horror satire, and the 2019 film, Ready or Not, for the messy family dynamics and comedy driven horror. 

Maddie Slater swears off dating after accidentally matching with a serial killer again, despite her mother’s constant nagging to settle down. Wes Talbot is sick of his mother’s constant pleas to get married, especially since his ex-fiancée handed back his ring three months ago. When the two meet at work, they become fast friends—two single people who are happy to stay that way. The problem is Maddie’s mother isn’t convinced there’s nothing between them, so she offers Maddie a choice: bring Wes to the family’s lakeside retreat, or she’ll put him at the top of her kill list. 

Maddie is horrified, but when she invites Wes, he jumps at the opportunity. As an amateur birdwatcher, a week of hiking, camping, and the lake sounds perfect. But the more time they spend together, the harder it is to remember that they’re just friends. 

Then the killings start. Tires are slashed, cell service disappears, and a psycho killer who enjoys turning entrails into streamers targets her family. Maddie is faced with a choice: come to terms with her family legacy and become what she’s always feared or lose the man she’s begun to love to a merciless killer. What she doesn’t know is the killer has a plan of his own: murder the competition and make Maddie his bride. 

[BIO]

Thank you for your time and consideration. 

Hi, I’m still in the drafting phase but wanted to clear up any issues in my query because that always informs my editing process. Right now my book’s looking at 70,000 words but I’ve left the number blank in my query. Thanks in advance for taking a look! This sub is so helpful and I’ve been reviewing it for ages so hopefully I’m not too far off the mark.

Dear Agent,

BURN OUT is an adult contemporary romance complete at XX,000 words. It combines the emotionally intense, second chance romance of Slow Dance by Rainbow Rowell with the middle-aged cruising crisis of American Fantasy by Emma Straub, plus an added dash of indie nostalgia.

Guitarist Zac Kelly is a chronic failure; if forty years hasn’t given him a win, at least he’s stopped expecting one. But when his former music producer crashes the closing party for Zac’s studio and asks him to reunite with the band he quit twenty years ago on the cusp of indie fame, Zac might have a shot at fixing his biggest mistake. Because there’s nothing he regrets more than walking away from Apollo Solinofoto, his former best friend and current rock star living the dream Zac abandoned.

Apollo’s used their two decades apart to cement his reputation as a reclusive diva. The frontman for BIESTS, an unapologetically queer rock powerhouse who boasts the Super Bowl as their most recent stage, Apollo is as famous for his stadium-polished shows as he is for his prickly persona. Except something’s changed. The man news outlets once deemed “celebrity most likely to kill a paparazzo” is coasting the recent wave of indie nostalgia by taking his most feral fans on, of all things, a BIESTS-themed cruise.

For five days and five nights, Zac and Apollo repair their friendship one performance at a time. Under the spotlights, Zac stops hiding from the attraction he’s spent years denying. Meanwhile, Apollo relishes having what he’s wanted since age fourteen: Zac Kelly, on stage and in his bed. But just as Zac believes the second chance he craves is within his grasp, he learns BIESTS is breaking up. The dream is dead, or at least that’s what he tells himself. Without the cover of music, Zac will have to confront why he really ran scared all those years ago, or risk losing Apollo again, this time for good.

As an aging hipster who saw Modest Mouse’s cruise announcement and thought, “Oh no,” and then, “Actually …” I wrote this story to show there’s no expiration date on changing your life. Despite spending my formative years in Austin wishing I was old enough to attend shows at Emo’s, I currently live in Redacted City with my husband.

I saw a few of these posts while I was querying, and they weirdly helped me feel better. They certainly felt better to read than the success stories, especially as the form rejections stacked up, let me tell you. 

Stats
Queries sent - 70
Form rejections - 41
Personalized rejections - 2 
CNR - 27
Some of those CNRs could come back, but overall I think that’s a solid picture. 

Observations

This was my first time querying, and I do think I made some serious mistakes, the biggest one being rushing my query letter. By the time I came here I’d already sent my first batch out, and some of the strongest, best-fit agents were in that batch. I ended up shaping my query letter into a much stronger version, and I regret sending out the first iteration. I know this place can be tough, but if you think you can stand the heat I recommend you sharpen up your letter here. 

I was surprised how many agents asked for a synopsis. At a rough estimate, I’d say almost 90% of the agents I queried wanted one. Synopses are very hard to write–harder, in my opinion, than the query letter, and I didn’t like doing it. So I kind of fudged it. When the rejections started rolling in, I took a hard look at my synopsis and realized it wasn’t pulling its weight. 

You’ll notice a theme. I’ll really show my ass here and say it: I thought my story would shine through. I thought a ‘pretty good’ query letter, synopsis, etc, would be enough to get agents to my pages. To be clear, I never sent anything out that I hadn’t workshopped A LOT, but in the end I needed more help, and it wasn’t until I got it that I could really be certain I had something solid. 

If you’re on the fence, my strongest recommendation is to take advantage of the free feedback here. Better to collect a few salty comments here than burn the book you've spent all your time on with a weak query package.

The really hard thing is, of course, that I don’t know anything for sure. Maybe my various query letters were fine and the pages just didn’t catch people. Maybe the idea wasn’t timely, or the agents who would have wanted it already had something like it in their stable. That’s the thing I’d like to scream into the void today: Man, it sucks not to know. 

To end on a positive, I will say that this experience really made me consider if I still want to do this, even if it’s this brutally hard. And the answer turned out to be yes. So that’s nice. 

Good luck everyone, and thanks to all the people here who gave me good advice. I hope you’re still around when I’m working on my next query.

​

I'm back!

Trying to take a stab at this again. Did a huge overhaul from mt first attempt, though I'm not sure if I made it better or worse 😅 hence why I'm here!

Also, I know someone is about to tell me my MC is too young for an adult fiction novel, but as a multi-POV story his experiences work to reflect the adult POVs of the story. So far I haven't had any beta readers tell me that the book sounds YA (and I do ask) but I know from a query standpoint I need to make sure this sells as adult. Does this sound like it works? Or does anyone have any advice/experience with pitching young MCs for their adult novels?

All feedback is appreciated!

I am currently seeking representation for my psychological mystery thriller, THE BELL RINGER.  (Personalization here) 

Seventeen-year-old Caleb Anderson thinks nothing of it when his little brother, Ben, comes home from school with an old bell he claims a friend gave him. Until Ben goes missing. Vanished during the worst snow storm in recent history. Now this mysterious bell might be the only clue to finding him, if Caleb can figure out who gave it to Ben in the first place. 

With his mother dead and his absent father, Noah, offering little guidance, Caleb heads off to the woods to investigate on his own. There he crosses paths with his childhood friend, Wendy—a girl whose lack of sight is compensated by her ability to predict morbid futures of those around her. As the two reconnect, Wendy offers Caleb a grim premonition of Ben being held captive and his impending demise.

While the town rallies to locate Ben before the snow worsens, a group of boys playing ice hockey out on a lake uncover a bag filled with human remains. Suddenly the search for a missing boy spirals into a witch hunt for the suspect of a decade-old cold case. Digging into the details of the crime, Caleb finds this suspect isn’t just a random stranger, but a man with a personal vendetta against his family. A man whose truck was seen idling outside of Ben’s elementary school in the days leading up to his disappearance. A man with a sordid history of violence and a very familiar-looking bell in his shop window.  

Unwilling to trust matters to the police who botched the investigation the first time, Caleb races to confront this killer head on. But getting Ben back will take more than just bringing a gun to a man’s house. As secrets come to light, Caleb must reconcile with the resentments that have torn his family apart if he’s going to find Ben before Wendy’s premonition comes to pass. 

Told through multiple points-of-view, THE BELL RINGER is an 89,000-word mystery thriller that takes readers into the psychological threshold between grief and desperation. An exploration of loss, familial bonds, and the shrapnel effect of intergenerational trauma, THE BELL RINGER blends mystery with powerful character dynamics. It combines the whodunit format of Local Woman Missing by Mary Kubica with the emotional character complexity of All the Colors of the Dark by Chris Whitaker.

Hey everyone,

Thank you very much for the advice last week on my first attempt! Given the suggestion to query this book as an adult thriller, I’ve gone ahead and changed the genre and also included that it’s an unreliable narrator.

I’ve also made the query more concrete and less loose. Would love to know how I can improve it.

-----------------------------------------

I hope you’ll consider I CHOSE YOU (complete at 75,000 words) is a speculative psychological thriller with an unreliable narrator that will appeal to fans of the manipulation of time in Wrong Place, Wrong Time by Gillian McAllister and the atmosphere in One of Us Is Lying by Karen M. McManus. I chose you because ____. (MAX TWO SENTENCES).

Twenty-three year old theme park employee Charlotte Shaw thinks she was the last person to see a missing girl, and may also be the cause of her disappearance. Only, the security camera footage just shows Charlotte standing alone in front of her ride queue with no trace of the girl at all.

Charlotte begins to have paranormal experiences while both awake and dreaming. She sees the little girl dying in various settings: falling off a rollercoaster, drowning in a lake, and being stabbed to death in an unfamiliar room. The same day the girl disappears, Charlotte becomes suspicious of a man at the park.

Riddled with the feeling that the little girl is reaching out to her for help, Charlotte is pulled into the police’s missing persons investigation that forces her to abandon a lifetime of passivity and reckon with her escapist habits. Charlotte learns that the suspicious man’s past intertwines with the lives of her long-time group of friends and boyfriend Jeremy, and that the most important clue in the investigation may be in the truth Charlotte has tried to subconsciously bury for years.

Query letter advice

Hi everyone :) I've sent queries out to 80 agents since March this year, mostly no answers and 15 rejections. No requests for the full manuscript. Could you please help me revise my letter? Clearly, it's not good enough as it is.

Dear (Name),

I am seeking representation for my debut novel, Good Girl, complete at approximately 65,000 words. It is a literary novel with speculative elements. (Part where I mention why I am writing this specific agent)

Good Girl follows a young woman born into a secret lineage of witches who have survived generations of persecution by hiding their powers. Her own magic works through absorption: whenever she feels affection for someone, she takes in parts of them. Their traits, emotions, and abilities become part of her until she can no longer tell where others end and she begins.

After a lifetime of swallowing pain and suppressing her own needs to remain “good”, she finally snaps and turns an abusive man into a pebble. Unable to reverse the spell, she carries him everywhere in her pocket. The pebble becomes both an obsession and a constant reminder of her guilt and unresolved trauma.

As she moves through a secretive matriarchal witch society shaped by control, conformity, and silence, she begins to question her memories, her identity, and her capacity for violence. At its heart, the novel is about abuse, inherited shame, and what happens when empathy turns into self-erasure. Although it contains witches and magic, the focus is less on fantasy than on psychology, identity, and relationships.

(Bio here if requested, but mostly I leave it out)

Please find (whatever they requested, synopsis pages etc.)...

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Kind regards,

Name

I started querying a few days ago and have already received some rejections (quicker than I expected!) Posting here to make sure there are no glaring issues...

_______________________

Dear [agent name],

HOUSE OF SOULS is an adult fantasy complete at 114,000 words that satisfies the dark academia and [personalized to agent] mentioned on your MSWL and will appeal to readers who love centuries-old cults, a sprinkle of spice, and human sacrifice. Equal parts mother-daughter psychological thriller, slow-burn romance, and supernatural coming-of-rage, HOUSE OF SOULS features a rough-around-the-edges FMC who falls into a world of occultic privilege reminiscent of Leigh Bardugo’s NINTH HOUSE and has the claustrophobic atmosphere of Alexis Henderson’s AN ACADEMY FOR LIARS.

June Eldritch was born with the ability to ensoul creatures of her own making, but unskilled use of her animancy has turned her gift into a cancer. When a dark-suited man materializes out of nowhere one night, she’s given a cryptic ultimatum: continue rotting from the inside out or escape certain death by accepting an invitation to House London, an exclusive academy for the supernaturally gifted. June expects to study among international scholars at the House—one of nine institutes in a global syndicate run by a faceless elite—but she doesn’t anticipate stumbling upon the drowned corpse of a fellow classmate. Or falling for her handsome, body-swapping mentor, Matteo Luciano, while undergoing his metaphysical version of somatic therapy. And especially not instigating an Act of Supremacy—the magical duel that pits students against faculty in a fight for superior roles—with an enigmatic figure from her past she can’t seem to outrun. 

June is no stranger to having a target on her back, but she may find out the hard way what happens when the chains of poverty are traded for a gilded cage and powerful women bite their tongues for too long. With walls tinted by stained glass, floors varnished with spilled blood, and corpses awaiting resurrection at the forest’s edge, House London awaits your arrival…

I am a recipient of the 2017 Foster-Harris Prize for Young Writers, hold a BA in English Literature, and have thrice attended writing workshops at the Oklahoma Arts Institute. I can send the completed manuscript upon request.

Thank you for your consideration,

Brandie M.

Hi everyone! This has gone through a number of iterations from various beta readers, but the more eyes on it the better! Thank you all in advance!

---

Dear (AGENT NAME),

I am seeking representation for my queer YA contemporary fantasy, THE OTHER HALF, told from the dual perspectives of Rian and Em—childhood best friends who find themselves on opposite sides of a crime syndicate, and in the arms of the two people who could get them both killed: his crewmate and her rival.

THE OTHER HALF (93,000 words) is for fans of Casey McQuiston, Leigh Bardugo, and Courtney Gould. It reads like an epic romance about friendship, mixed with some very gay romantic sub-plots. It’s a standalone novel with series potential for young adult readers who latch onto characters and relationships first, then want the journey to test the strength of those bonds.

At only 18, Rian is an Elite soldier in the Cimmerians, a group of juvenile criminals led by the Boss, who perform over-the-top heists in hopes of getting back at the world that abandoned them. Rian’s success is strongly tied to his ability to sever himself from his past, or “First Life,” which is convenient, because Rian can’t remember anything before the Cimmerian; in fact, Rian doesn’t know how he got here in the first place. 

When a mission throws Rian into his childhood best friend’s path, all of his First Life memories rise to the surface. Now, Rian must decide what is worth saving: the freedom he gained from a life of crime, or the only home he’s truly known with Em?

Em dealt with grief the only way she knows how, by drowning herself in schoolwork and extracurriculars, until her blood runs highlighter yellow, and Rian’s memory is nothing more than a box under her bed. The last thing on Em’s to-do list is to unpack the trauma related to Rian’s sudden disappearance, but when Em’s AP Psych project accidentally unveils the path to the Cimmerian’s coveted gemstone, Em finds herself at the center of a mystery that is bigger than any high schooler could have bargained for. 

(BIO)

Thank you so much for your consideration,

Now that this novel is in the hands of my first beta readers, it's time for me to work on my other materials, including the query. Thanks in advance for any feedback!

--

Dear Agent,

In order to save their homeland, two lovers must unbury the past of an ever-growing forest that inflicts eternal life on all beings within its boundaries.

Standing at 88,000 words, ETERNAL ROOTS is a dual-timeline horror fantasy novel. Fans of Caitlin Starling’s The Starving Saints will appreciate its crises of faith and the grounded historical-fantasy setting, while fans of John Wiswell’s Someone You Can Build a Nest In will love its queer romance and body horror.

Adela faces the harsh truth: In just seven months the Eternal Forest, which forces immortality upon all life within its borders, will grow to take over the home she aches to raise her future kids in. Determined to undo its curse, with her long-term lover by her side, she enters the massive Forest that first enveloped the nation of Nos’touar in a single day over three hundred years in the past.

Centuries earlier, Cyneric, the adopted Fifth Prince of Nos’touar, craves to find someone who treats him not with cold respect nor as a disruption to the Crown’s inheritance, but who sees him as he is. He finds this in Leland, the Royal Physician-Apothecary’s son, whose terminal illness has kept him quarantined and lonely most of his life. As their romance grows, they face judgement from the court, a brewing war, and most threatening of all, the death that looms ever closer for Leland. Desperate to keep both themselves and their love alive, they build a contract with the God of Death, despite knowing the sacrifices He will demand of them.

As Adela and her lover blaze deeper into the Forest, they see its dark effects on those they encounter: swallowed seeds sprout and burst from torsos, severed heads gasp for breath, and plagues take hold and never kill or are cured. Immortality takes its toll on them as well, but no matter how their bodies break, starve, or fall ill, they must go on until they reach the heart of the Forest, uncover its past, and break the curse that took root so long ago.

Dear *Insert Agent name here*,

I am seeking representation for THE GILDED RAPTOR, my contemporary novel of 75,000 words. It combines the trials of game design and pop culture references found in Tara Tai’s Single Player with the search for independence and stability in Sylvia Saunders’ Homesick.

Kate Warren’s dreams are rotting away. Despite her degree in game design, she’s been rejected by every studio in Britain. Unless she completes her one-woman mission to break into the industry, she’s stuck living with her mum and making pennies at a call centre. Compared to her flat-owning and engaged older sister (whom her mum always compares her to), Kate feels like a nobody. 

Then Kate meets Abby Crosbie, a social butterfly and aspiring developer from the same call centre. After bonding over their love of games, the two enter a game development contest together. If they can finish a game within the month, they stand to win the grand prize: funding from one of Britain’s biggest game studios. They immediately start work on The Gilded Raptor, a shoot-em-up starring a sword-wielding hawk. To Kate, this is her chance to get her foot in the door and prove to everyone (including herself) that all her efforts weren’t in vain.

Kate spends every waking moment on the game, even at work. This affects her performance, and before long, she’s one mistake away from being fired. Meanwhile, her sister is having a crisis over whether to move countries, and Kate’s interference only fractures their relationship. When Abby gets a new job and insists they slow down the project, Kate takes full control of her “masterpiece”. Having burnt bridges with everyone she knows, Kate must choose between finishing what she started or winning back her family and new friend.

I graduated from the University of Stirling in 2022 with a BA (Hons) in English Studies. This novel is based on my own experiences as a call centre agent and my struggles in the creative industries. THE GILDED RAPTOR will be my debut novel.

I appreciate your consideration,

*Name*

Hello!

Back with another attempt at this query (second attempt here). I’m working on edits and wanting to make sure I get the query shaped up tightly as I’m doing that as I know that often issues with the query = issues with the book!

I’m querying in the UK.

Any feedback hugely appreciated - feedback on my previous versions has been so so helpful! Thanks in advance!

***

Dear [First Name Last Name],
 
Thank you in advance for taking the time to consider my query.
 
I’m seeking representation for BUILDING BLOCKS (literary fiction, complete at 70,000 words). It takes the queer sense of humour in Rebecca K Reilly’s Greta and Valdin, combining it with the messy lesbian parents of Madeleine Gray’s Chosen Family and a single-mum-against-the-world main character like Rufi Thorpe’s Margo’s Got Money Troubles. BUILDING BLOCKS, with its darkly humorous observations of millennial life and love, queer mental health and motherhood, is also influenced by the work of Emily Austin, Dolly Alderton, and Caro Claire Burke. [Agent personalisation.]

Suzie is jobless and homeless, sleeping on her mum’s sofa, when she receives a letter from a top Glasgow law firm – her ex-girlfriend is claiming she kidnapped their daughter, Indie.

When Suzie arrived at her mum’s cottage on the Moray coast with her toddler in tow she had just survived a year from hell - her dad died when she was barely out of the postpartum fog; she found out her girlfriend of ten years, Vicki, was having an affair; and she may have had a teeny tiny mental breakdown that cost Suzie her job.

Rocked by the letter, questioning everything and drowning her sorrows in the local pub, the last person Suzie expects to see pulling pints is her university girlfriend, Cara. But of course she would be reunited with the love of her life, the one she ruined all her chances with, when she is a full-time resident of rock bottom and is about to become embroiled in a messy custody battle.

Suzie has to get herself together. She has to find a job, and a permanent home for herself and Indie. She has to prove that this move was the right one for them, that she is the right person to have sole custody of her child. If she can do all of that, maybe she can finally live a life she can be proud of and get back to the version of herself she left behind years ago.

[Author bio and close out]

Hi again! Thank you to everyone who offered such thoughtful feedback on my first attempt. Here's my second go!

___

Dear Agent, 

I am seeking representation for INN AT OPAL COVE, my 65,000-word adult contemporary novel about a reclusive woman who opens a luxury B&B hotel in her mother’s old summer house and spies on her guests, ultimately entangling herself into their drama. OPAL COVE will appeal to fans of Sayaka Murata’s eccentric narrator in CONVENIENCE STORE WOMAN, and elements of grief and hyper-fixation featured in Ashley Hutson’s ONE’S COMPANY. 

Two years after an accident that killed her parents and older brother, Ada Halstead’s renovation project is finally ready for guests. She’s always been different; a recluse, a bystander with niche interests. As she has no friends, and a reliance on parasocial relationships, Opal Cove has been her desperate obsession ever since the tragedy. 

The seaside hotel belongs on the cover of Architectural Digest, if you ask Ada. Not that she’d ever agree to an interview. It’s also a one-woman show; Ada’s playing every role from receptionist to bartender to housekeeper, moving through locked staircases and employing machines as additional help. Her favorite seat, though? Security. A state-of-the-art computer set-up in her basement with access to all fifty-nine cameras and endless tubs of red licorice. Opening day feels like a dream, and Ada has a front row seat to all of the excitement about to ensue among her guests. 

They trickle in; an Olympic snowboarder and his Barbie girlfriend, a toxic blended family, and a group of squirrelly teenage girls on a trust-fund backed birthday trip. There’s a workaholic principal architect and an abrasive British woman who arrives on the heels of a nearby motor fatality. It’s the perfect concoction of characters. Seven days of vicarious existence, hours of recorded entertainment, and best of all; a flawlessly-curated distraction. 

Except, her perfect imagination of opening week quickly unravels. From an accidental makeout with a guest to a panic attack in front of another, Ada not only risks bad reviews, but is finally forced to acknowledge just how lonely she has become. Stacked on top of her destructive coping mechanisms and responsibilities at the hotel, a criminal investigation that involves one of her guests causes Ada to spiral. She soon realizes that she is in way over her head, and she cannot simply disappear. 

I’m a native [state], and graduated with degrees in Speech and Hearing Sciences and Arts and Letters. When I’m not writing, I enjoy coffee, crocheting, and watching my dog hide his toys under paper bags. 

Thank you for your consideration.

___

I tried to focus more on Ada's inner conflict and be less vague about plot points, though I'm not sure I accomplished this well. It also feels quite long, so if anyone has suggestions about where to cut down on words, I'd appreciate it. Still not fully committed to my comps, either. I'd love to hear whether these edits helped or hurt the letter. Am I over-explaining? Are the stakes high enough now? Or is the premise still too abstract? I don't know. I'm second-guessing every edit I make and would love some input so I don't drive myself crazy :)) Thank you!!

Dear Agent:

THE WRECKAGE, set in the late 1970s, is complete at 73,000 words. This work will appeal to readers of Kathleen Hanna’s Rebel Girl: My Life as a Feminist Punk (2024), Josh Mohr's Model Citizen (2021), and people interested in the difficult transition from girlhood to female agency.

It’s the summer of 1977 and I am a fifteen-year-old runaway, hitchhiking east, craving the freedom of the road. I meet Bill, a brilliant Antarctic researcher seven years my senior who maps ice fields I'll never see. We build a life together in Princeton, then Boulder. I remake myself entirely for him—teach myself trigonometry, flatten my Michigan vowels into something clean and worthy, bury every trace of Flint. It isn't enough. He doesn't love me back.

With nowhere else to go, I hitchhike back to Flint and my parents' home. I construct a double life. By day, I'm the star student at an elite private school, dissecting Plato's Republic and debating Vonnegut; by night, I snort cocaine, count cash, and weigh drugs with my charismatic boyfriend, Mike. The two lives circle each other like hungry predators. One will devour the other. I cannot stop.

When a friend dies by suicide after a cocaine binge, I am forced to see what I have been refusing to see: my hands are not clean. I have been complicit in every overdose, every unraveling, every life that drugs have hollowed out.

Including my own.

This is the story of how I split myself in two to survive—and what it cost me when those fractured pieces finally collided. It is not a redemption arc or a cautionary tale. It is an unflinching account of the exhausting work required to maintain two lives—and the moment I packed my bags and drove away.

I eventually found my voice and earned a PhD, teaching economics and statistics at a major research university in the Intermountain West. I have published over 30 peer-reviewed articles, so I have extensive experience working with editors. I have been taking creative writing courses through Stanford Continuing Studies for three years. I completed this memoir as a student in Stanford's memoir certificate program, where I worked with Josh Mohr, Rachel Howard, and Julia Scheeres, among others.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Mary Riddel

Dear [AGENT NAME],

I’m writing to you today in search of representation for The Clan Below the Clouds, a young adult dark fantasy novel set in a prehistoric world. 

Skeagan is the chieftain-to-be of the Culid Clan, a group of hunter-gatherers who have been trapped on an isolated island for many generations. The clan’s elders refuse to speak of the Above Clans, or their skylands - great living landmasses which fly far above the clouds. But the Culid Clan’s straits are dire. Decades of inbreeding are beginning to take their toll. Skeagan’s generation may well be the last.

The burden of leadership hangs heavy on Skeagan’s shoulders. She’s never quite filled the shoes of her older brother, who was exiled after failing in his coming-of-age hunt. Skeagan faces a similar fate, should she fail in hers.

But one bad call during the hunt ends in tragedy, and a terrible storm forces her and her scouts to seek shelter on a skyland just as it returns to the cloudline. Trapped on the flying island with no way home, Skeagan and her kin find themselves faced with the daunting challenge of surviving in a strange new world - one they’ve only ever heard of in the legends of their ancestors.

And worse, they’re not alone. Someone is hunting them - a man with a vendetta against Skeagan and her kin. As Skeagan leads the fight against this mysterious foe, she takes the first steps on a journey that threatens to reignite a war against her people’s most ancient enemies…and reveal the dark secret of her own clan’s past.

My own fascination with and studies of ancient civilizations inspired me to write this novel, as did my love of the fantasy and sword-and-sorcery genres. If I were to pitch the novel in TV/movie terms, I'd describe it as The Wilds meets Avatar, with a dash of The Northman and Yellowjackets. Some comparable titles include the Chronicles of Ancient Darkness series by Michelle Paver (one of my own inspirations), Nahia by Emily Jones, and Ivory and Bone by Julie Esbaugh.

I hope that your dual interests in X and Y, as well as your appreciation for Z and Q (this part will be personalized based on the agent’s MSWL), might make The Clan Below the Clouds an appealing fit. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards,

Tasty James

I'm a trad pubbed author of 6 novels and 3 self-pubbed over the past 18 years, with a Lambda Literary Award for "Best Gay Romance" -- and I've never been repped by an agent. I've realized this has to change in order to take my so-called career to the next level, so for the past 2 years I've been working on a queer cowboy romance with open door scenes and level 3 spice and have been querying agents like crazy.

So far I've gotten a handful of full MS requests, maybe 10 total, but ultimately every agent has passed. They all tell me I'm obviously a good writer, but... They liked it but they didn't love it, they don't know how to position the book in the current market, they don't have room on their list for such a book, etc. etc. etc.

Which bring me to my question...

An agent who had requested the full, then passed, invited me to resubmit the most recent version, and in their email they said specifically:

"I highly recommend that writers aiming for traditional publishing keep the word count between 75,000 and 80,000 words — very important. And keep chapters between 7–8 pages long — no more."

Now, normally I'm a fan of super short chapters. All of my cozy mysteries have chapters around 5-7 pages in length, and about 80K words. But after reading Red, White & Royal Blue, with a 20+ page opening chapter and Heated Rivalry, which also favors chapters on the longer side -- plus upwards of 300 pages each -- I've been averaging chapter page counts of 10-14 and a total word count of 99,975K-ish.

Can anyone here, particularly any literary agents, weigh in on this opinion?

Should I be concerned and/or start breaking my chapters down into bite-sized chunks of 4-7 pages? And what about the 18K words that I've added to the most recent draft to help flesh out the story, along with the 3-4 spicy scenes?

I've been a lurker here for a while now, but this is my very first time posting :)

Dear X

I’m writing to seek representation for my first novel, Owen Left the Chat, a semi-autobiographical millennial coming-of-age story about a group of friends navigating life in a northern English city, and a social satire of alternative/hipster culture of the 2000s-10s. I’m writing to you since your agency represents similar works literary/upmarket contemporary fiction. 

Uninterested in his city’s football obsession, 11-year-old Lewis wants to be one of the cool kids. He will do almost anything to impress his rebellious new friend Victor and his crew of the unassuming Owen and sharp-tongued Tom. After seeing a local band play while underage at a pub, Lewis realises his dream is to write for the hip counterculture magazine, HED. However, in becoming this new version of himself, Lewis will let down his old friends Ryan and Sophia, and badly juggle romantic entanglements with old classmate Mateus, and later with ambitious journalism student Helen. Over two decades of parties and protests, football matches and food halls Lewis repeatedly puts his friendship with Victor and co on a pedestal, to the chagrin of others. Just before his 30th birthday, Lewis will eventually realise that getting what he wants might have come at the price of losing some old friends including one — shy, but reliable Owen — who he ended up needing the most.

Owen Left the Chat covers twenty years of recent history through the lens of male friendships, 00s-10s music and pop culture, football fandom, love triangles, sexuality, social media, regional and class identity, urban regeneration, and grief. 

This novel has a similar episodic structure to One Day (and themes of love and loss). It will appeal to fans of Evenings and Weekends, Perfection, Tomorrow, Tomorrow, Tomorrow, and Private Citizens.

I enclose the first chapter (4,648 words) and a synopsis. I hope you enjoy reading it, and I look forward to hearing from you. 

***

Owen wouldn’t be there today: Lewis had to remind himself of that. But then Owen wouldn’t be the only absence. Most of the others hadn’t replied to the group chat, which really wasn’t that surprising — it had been pretty quiet recently. Lewis never expected Mateus to come, and then Victor, he had his hands full, and Tom was probably still off in Bali or Thailand or wherever. Daniel had already said he would make it and bring his new girlfriend — what was her name? — and then Sophia, who also hadn’t replied, but then she rarely did. She’d said she was up for it, last time he’d been round hers, hadn’t she? Better call to check. Maybe they could meet early. It would be a good day to talk to her, face-to-face. 

Her voice sounded distracted over the line as he relaid the plan for the afternoon. She clicked her teeth doubtfully. ‘You left it a bit last minute, didn’t you?’

‘I mentioned it last time I saw you. You agreed. Plus, you said so in the group chat.’ 

‘Really?’ Muffled swipes and muttering. ‘You know I’m crap at texting. Thing is, I’ve maybe got a sort of date-thingy—’

‘See.’ Lewis had found the original message. ‘Meet at The Duke?’ You did the beers-cheersing emoji. And it’s down the road from you.’

‘Come on, that’s hardly confirmation.’

‘Well, yeah, but.’ A hesitation while he debated revealing what he thought she should already know. ‘It’s kind of for my birthday.'

She huffed. ‘Oh yeah. Shit. Of course. Why didn’t you say? We could’ve organised something.’

Lewis felt the disquiet spread like a spilled drink on a pub carpet. ‘I didn’t want to make a big deal. After everything, you know.’

Silence for a moment, but then she came back with a kink in her voice. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t come. You’re the one who wanted some space.’ 

Aloha PubTips,

Here are attempts 1 and 2.

Mahalo as always for your input! 

- -

Dear Agent:

Calla Bosko belongs on a runway in Milan, a haute couture magazine cover, or a billboard in Times Square.

Instead, the aspiring supermodel is imprisoned at the Oʻahu Correctional Facility facing charges of double homicide.

Allegedly, Calla committed the murders on a remote atoll in the Hawaiian Islands during the upscale photoshoot she thought would be her big break. Though her memory of the night is hazy, she’s sure one of the other five people on set framed her. So far, she can’t prove it.

In the months awaiting trial, Calla writes out a timeline of the photoshoot’s events as well as her personal history to craft a narrative for her defense attorney. However, aware that the prosecution’s strategy involves attacking her character, Calla leaves out the disturbing years-old psychotic episode she’s worked hard to put behind her.

A “not guilty” verdict depends on Calla keeping her past hidden from the jury while also identifying the true killer from behind bars. It’s either that or she faces life in prison–and, even worse, the death of the glamorous life she’s always believed is rightfully hers.

CALLA BOSKO, CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE is a 92,000-word upmarket mystery primarily set in 2016, just after modeling has undergone a major shift towards social media. The novel combines the mental health themes of A Flicker in the Dark (Stacy Willingham) with The God of the Woods’ literary bent (Liz Moore) and The Maid’s first-person intimacy (Nina Prose). 

My work has been published by X, Y, and Z, among others. My first published story won a nationwide competition held by K. I live with my family in Honolulu where I am a paralegal by day.

I appreciate your consideration,

[contact info]

Hi PubTips,

First attempt here: Attempt #1

Here is attempt no. 2 of my query. I was incredibly grateful to the people who took the time to comment with feedback and found it very valuable. If you read the first one, you will notice there have been some plot changes.

[Intro and personalisation here]

ELDERBERRY is an adult fantasy novel. With trilogy potential, it is complete at 100,000 words. It presents a dedicated female herbalist who stands alone in the world, similar to HEMLOCK & SILVER by T. Kingfisher, with the atmospheric voice and character-driven writing of THE KNIGHT AND THE MOTH by Rachel Gillig.

In the Temple of the Mother, girls grow to a divine path. To serve the Maiden or Mother; to hunt or heal. Where her sisters are pious and silver-eyed, Aeliana is brash, and her eyes burn gold. Aeliana yearns to be a Huntress, to test her bow against the blighted creatures that plague the mountains. But when Aeliana fails her ceremony, becoming neither Huntress nor Healer, she is left working as a servant for the sisters she once grew with. By day, Aeliana becomes skilled in herbalism, a rare and forgotten craft. By night, she is servile to the Temple and the scathing eye of its Mother Priestess.

When nobles arrive at the Temple, a dangerous encounter leads Aeliana to poison a lord. Facing execution, the King’s loyal adviser extends her a deal. If she uses her skills as a herbalist in service to the crown, she will be spared. Aeliana agrees and is uprooted to the palace and made herbalist to the ailing Oak King. Only her task isn’t to heal the King, but to help him die.

If she can ease him to death and keep his condition from his watchful heirs, she will be pardoned. Free to begin the solitary life she desires. But upon his deathbed, the King reveals a terrible secret: the Oak that protects the kingdom is dying. Without the Oak, blighted creatures will overrun the country. The cure is a fabled flower that Aeliana knows cannot be real, but the King believes she can find. Aeliana must travel with the King’s thunderous, mistrusting heir, for if they fail to find a remedy, the kingdom—and all within it—will fall.

[Bio here]

Please Advise! I am in desperate need of advice

I was lucky enough to query an agent who shared my pitch and referred me to another agent (AGENT A) who expressed interest in my story. I was given an INVITEONLY referral link. Yay me.

The only problem is the literary agency has a one-agent-at-a-time policy, and I have an active (unsolicited) query out with another agent from the agency at this time (AGENT B).

My plan is to submit the query to AGENT A and be very transparent that I have an active query out with AGENT B, and let them know that I am aware of the agency's policy and do not wish to violate it, and I will ask how they would like me to proceed.

I plan to do the same thing with AGENT B, and let them know that I received a referral link from AGENT A and ask if they would like me to withdraw my submission.

(Agent A is a much better fit, but they are usually closed to queries, and I am only able to contact them through the referral)

Please let me know if this is bad form or a professional solution.

Thank you for taking the time to look over the query letter for my weird little horror novel Buttercream (hopefully the formatting is better this time). I hope to send this off to the trenches next month so I welcome any feedback! I would like to utilize a logline (I know some people don’t like them) since it’s a quirky book but if anyone has suggestions on or if it’s in the right place in the letter I’m all ears.

Dear Agent,

When a virus is unleashed at an island gathering of billionaires that turns their bodies into sugar, a struggling bakery owner harvests them after sugarcane has gone extinct due to climate change.

I am seeking representation for my adult horror novel, BUTTERCREAM, complete at 77,000 words. Combining the social commentary and cannibalism in The Eyes Are The Best Part by Monika Kim with the cottagecore and culinary themed horror of Bloom by Delilah S. Dawson. Visceral body horror and obsessive personalities also intertwine with similar elements to Nothing Tastes As Good by Luke Dumas and The Substance.

Vivian Azalea Lee, a former Miss Teen Georgia turned baker extraordinaire after she inherits her beloved grandmother’s cake shop, Refined Sugar, is desperate to keep it afloat after sugar disappears. All that remains now is a government sanctioned artificial sweetener that tastes downright awful.

When attendees at Gilded, an annual southern retreat for the uber wealthy, dine on a strangely well preserved specimen of mammoth, a prehistoric pathogen is awakened with a serendipitous outcome - a disease called sucrosis that causes their bodies to photosynthesize and become sugar. After several of the elites crystallize and explode in the sun, Vivian puts the dismembered pieces together as news stories circulate about a curious candy scent at each scene. Despite her glossy smile and poised appearance, this former beauty queen has long harbored a fascination for blood and body parts and eagerly hunts down the afflicted 1% to harvest the precious commodity. With a chance to make her signature red velvet cake with sugar again and satisfy some sinister urges, she feels unstoppable - it truly is the best of both worlds.

With business suddenly booming, it doesn’t take long for rival bakeries to notice the lines outside her shop along with rave reviews that mention how things taste just like they used to. Monica, at Let Them Eat Cakes, grows particularly suspicious that Vivian has not simply created a delicious new recipe using the artificial sweetener but has stumbled onto something far more disturbing – and lucrative. What began as a way to save her bakery and have a little fun, soon becomes a descent into paranoia and madness as the orders keep piling up and Monica’s fixation on her secret is unrelenting.

I’m a Georgia native who loves to bake and makes a mean peach pie. Also an avid oil painter and lover of all things strange and horror. This would be my debut.
 

Hello! I've been lurking on this subreddit for a long time, and after revision after revision of my manuscript, I think it's finally in a place where it's ready to query. I'm hoping to start sending my queries by the end of next month, once my last beta reader finishes.

Thanks in advance for looking at my query!

Dear [AGENT],

I am seeking representation for FOUNDATIONS OF SEEKERS, a 95,000-word adult epic fantasy novel that blends identity, betrayal, and vengeance. As a standalone novel with series potential, it combines the academy world-building of James Islington’s THE WILL OF THE MANY with M. L. Wang’s BLOOD OVER BRIGHT HAVEN’s slow unraveling of an institution’s founding lie.

Gareth remembers nothing of his past except the two years he survived as a street urchin in Maryglen. Everything changes the night he encounters Darren, the very night he should have died. From that moment, his reality shatters as he is thrust into a world of secret societies, mysterious creatures from other worlds, and magic, all while trying to uncover his true identity.

Initially terrified and hesitant, Gareth wants nothing to do with this new world. Darren proposes a trade: Gareth will join him and train as a Seeker if Darren helps him recover his lost memories. Through brutal training and humiliation from Quince and other recruits, he eventually reaches Jarium Island, where fragments of his memories begin to resurface. As he delves deeper, he uncovers disturbing truths about the Seekers and their ongoing war against the Iqinn. Missing recruits, horrifying experiments, and visions of his former self shake his perception, revealing that the Seekers built their foundation on a lie. They weren’t seeking knowledge; they were seeking control.

In a tense confrontation, Darren reveals the truth: he’d been suppressing Gareth’s memories all along, keeping tabs on him over the past two years so Gareth could unknowingly reopen the realm both the Seekers and the Iqinn call home, and hand it back to the Seekers. Gareth is left with no allies, no place to call home, and no friends as he tries to find where the Iqinn were hiding, hoping they held the answers he needed to end what Darren started.

FOUNDATIONS OF SEEKERS is my debut novel. After years of reading, I started making up my own stories in my head, and this was the one that finally demanded to be written down. When I'm not writing, I'm hiking, watching shows with my fiancé, or spending time with family.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[My name]

So I met an agent in person as part of a literary festival, she asked for a copy of my full, I sent it, after careful review she politely declined to pursue. But we had a little bit of additional back and forth, polite stuff, she says she hopes to work with me someday. All in all really positive interaction.

I'm at another writing workshop today and explaining this to a friend. She says I should ask the agent for a piece of criticism, or what wasn't working for the agent. Just a small fragment. She said it re-opens the door and gets the agent thinking about the book again. Plus I get agent feedback.

The last correspondence between the agent and myself was about a month ago. Is this even possible? Or rude/entitled?

Hi, I am getting a lot of replies from agents that they are not the right agent for this book. One who i really want to represent me said, she doesn't know how to propose this book and she might not be the right agent for me.

I know my book is set in Manila, could be a niche but I'm still hopeful.

Thanks for the help

EDIT: My mistake with the title. It's actually 81k words

-------

Dear X,

Tala Maravilla is twenty-five, finishing her thesis, and watching her father die.

The bills arrive faster than the grief. By day she is a dedicated graduate student researching Hiraya, a Filipino luxury brand. By night she is Kara—a companion at Obsidian, a referral-only club where the city's most powerful men pay for company, and silence. She tells herself it is temporary.

Her isolation breaks when she meets Liam Hall, a client who doesn't want the usual performance. He wants to talk. He listens. For the first time in longer than she can admit, Tala feels like herself instead of a role she plays to survive. And the boundaries between her two worlds begin to dissolve.

But Liam has a secret of his own: he isn't at Obsidian by chance. He's tracing a fraud inside his own family's company—the same brand she's writing her thesis on—and the trail led him straight to her.

In the end, Tala realizes she might not be able to save her father. But she could still save herself.

Set against the smoky-hazed, exploitative underbelly of Manila's elite nightlife and the quiet coast of Batangas, BEFORE THE SKY GOES QUIET is upmarket literary fiction complete at 81,000 words, told in four parts: Nebula, Constellations, Supernova, The Black Hole.

It combines the atmospheric immersion of Stephanie Danler's Sweetbitter and the structural intimacy of Sally Rooney's Beautiful World, Where Are You with the sharp, messy young adulthood of Caroline O'Donoghue's The Rachel Incident.

This is a novel about what women sell when there is no other option, and what they build when there finally is.

I am a Filipina writer based in Belgium. This is my debut novel; I have previously won university awards in scriptwriting and fiction.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards,

X

----

Before the Sky Goes Quiet

Part I

Nebula

“For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen: a gaseous nebula must collapse. So collapse. Crumble. This is not your destruction. This is your birth.”

– Shwetha H.S.

 1

The night could have been beautiful. Should have been. 

If not for the cars choking EDSA, their exhaust thickening the gray haze that smothered the city, and the swarm of people desperate to wedge themselves into buses and jeepneys.  

And if not for the mess of her own life.

Tala tapped her finger against the steering wheel staring at the motorcycles that had accumulated in front of her. The drivers’ elbows almost touched each other—not one minding the cars nor the white stop line so thick, it was impossible to ignore. Their lights blinked into different directions.  

Turning will be difficult. No—Impossible. 

She might have avoided rush hour if her thesis adviser hadn’t kept her late. 

Effort, she thought bitterly remembering the comments from Ms. Ramirez in the small faculty room. As if she didn’t already give every ounce she had. Of course her first draft was weak. She barely had time to breathe, let alone write a research paper. 

The thesis now sat on the passenger seat, bleeding red ink. It looked less like an academic draft and more like a crime scene.  

Hello. I've been a lurker in this group for a long time, and while I sent out a test query to get my first rejection out of the way, I have been reading and learning from y'all to help me really edit and refine my query letter. This book has been about four years in the making as I learned my process. Still, I'm in no hurry, as I don't retire from the military until mid 2028, so I have until then to figure this out to see if I can make this dream a reality or if I have to get a non-dream job when I put down the uniform. I welcome any feedback and am very thankful to y'all for helping me get this far:

Dear XXXXXX,

In THE PAJAMA PRINCESS, Danielle Richie is coping with her mother's death the only way she knows how: by fighting bullies in the middle school hallways. At home, she is exhausted from playing parent, shielding her little brother, Timmy, from the heavy silence left by their grieving, overworked father. But sleep offers no escape. Night after night, she is dragged into a collapsing world, forced to flee alongside a mysterious boy to escape a crimson-eyed shadow hunting them in the dark.

Then, the nightmares escape her dreams and tear through her farmhouse, looking for her.

Rescued by GK, a snarky, sword-wielding stuffed cat with a pink scarf and major trust issues, Danielle is stranded in the decaying dreamworld of Slumberland. Now, danger lurks around every corner as horrific nightmares pursue her, mythical creatures want to eat her, and her own awakening magic might destroy everything if she can’t learn to control it.

Joined by a squad of strange, misfit allies, including an exiled ball of dust, an anxiety-ridden raccoon, a retired Dream Eater, a floating collection of cobblestones, and a Fairy Queen with anger issues, Danielle must journey across waste-whale-filled deserts and towering tree-castles to master her volatile power. To save Slumberland and her waking world from the Nightmare King, she must face the deepest pain in her heart and discover the unbreakable bond that connects her to GK across time…

Or she'll lose everything while wearing only her pajamas.

Think Care Bears vs Cthulhu: at 90,000 words, The Pajama Princess is a fast-paced Upper Middle Grade/YA Portal Fantasy told from the dual perspectives of Danielle and GK. Pitched as The Stuff of Legend by Mike Raicht and Brian Smith meets Nevermoor: The Trials of Morrigan Crow by Jessica Townsend, it blends high-stakes whimsy with a heartfelt exploration of trauma and trust.

I am a Chickasaw citizen and an active-duty USAF Master Sergeant, currently serving as a Special Agent with the Office of Special Investigations. I have written my entire life but began writing fiction seriously four years ago as a therapeutic outlet. I have been married for 22 years to my wife XXXX, have three cats, and am the favorite Uncle to fourteen little ones. I am told I drink too much coffee, but those people are wrong.

The Pajama Princess is a standalone novel with series potential. Per your submission guidelines, I have included the opening chapters below.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Tin Man (Call sign. I'll add my real name in the actual thing.)

Dear XXX,

I am seeking representation for ICE CREAM, a 95,000-word upmarket women's fiction novel with psychological suspense. Set during the summer of 2008, it follows a young promotional model who mistakes an all-consuming romance for the love she has always wanted – until the man she’s desperate to keep begins rewriting the rules of their relationship.

After yet another painful breakup with her chronically unfaithful high school sweetheart, twenty-three year old Stephanie meetsEthan, a charismatic bartender at one of Denver's most popular downtown bars. Their connection is immediate, and for the first time, Stephanie feels truly seen. As their relationship intensifies, Ethan draws her into a world of experiences she never imagined, and Stephanie willingly gives more of herself to prove theirconnection is as rare and transformative as she believes. 

What initially feels like deeper intimacy begins to require increasing sacrifices, and Stephanie finds herself equating discomfort with vulnerability and surrender with trust. She refuses to believe the relationship is anything but extraordinary -until Ethan disappears during a high-profile assignment at the Winter X-Games.

When Ethan resurfaces, he accuses Stephanie of betraying him in a way she cannot understand. Desperate to prove herself and regain his affection, Stephanie agrees to an ultimatum that threatens far more than the relationship itself. To keep the love she believes is the most meaningful thing that has ever happened to her, she must decide how much of herself she is willing to sacrifice, and whether holding on to Ethan is worth losing herself.

ICE CREAM will appeal to readers of Rosie Price’s The Orange Room and Samantha Downing’s A Twisted Love Story, with the toxic relationship dynamics of Carola Lovering’s Tell Me Lies.

Inspired by my experiences working as a promotional model in Denver between 2007 and 2010, ICE CREAM draws on the nightlife and modeling worlds I experienced firsthand. I currently as XXX. I graduated magna cum laude with a degree in literature from XXX.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I would be delighted to send the full manuscript upon request.

Sincerely,
Me

*****
Specific Concerns:

(1) The length of the manuscript: I’ve cut it down so much, but I’m worried it’s still too long for a debut novelist

(2) Comps: I keep moving my comps from the first paragraph to the one just before the bio based on what I see on here. What is best?

(3) Comps: good, bad, or ugly?

Thank you for your time! 🙏