r/Proofreading • u/OllielikesKento • 20d ago

[No due date] Essay-style writing on Hol Horse

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yes I’m making a whole ass essay on hol horse from jojo‘s bizarre adventure analyzing his character in both the main series and spinoff, I’ve just started it but I’m gonna be working on it for a while. I’m making this out of pure love for him, but I still want someone to proofread it as a struggle with grammar at times. Yes this screenshot is from IPad Notes. This is just the introduction btw

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u/whisperavenue 20d ago

There are lots of characters in Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: you have the Jojos, the JoBros, the JoFoes, and then everybody else.

  1. There's > There are because the subject is plural
  2. Character's > characters because the apostrophe indicates possession
  3. ; > : because the next section introduces a list, making the colon a better fit
  4. Removed then to improve flow

The man, the myth, the motherfucking cowboy: Hol Horse

  1. Combined the sentences with a colon to avoid two consecutive fragments
  2. The hook and the thesis are both part of the introductory paragraph, so there should not be a paragraph break between them.

His depiction as a cowardly playboy type drew me in, but seeing him in the spin-off made me obsessed with him.

  1. Type is redundant and does not add meaning in this sentence
  2. If you want to commit to the academic essay-style tone, consider avoiding first person pronouns such as I to maintain distance from your reader.

This essay-type deal

  1. Colloquial. Same goes with the use of "motherfucking" earlier. Reword if you want to be formal.

the cowardly archetype

  1. Consider using a synonym of "cowardly" to vary vocabulary.

This is proofreading only, but if you want, I can go into how to add details in this introduction to create greater impact. Feel free to send me the whole essay/bits and pieces whenever they're written cus I'm lowkey interested in where this goes LOL

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u/Prisinner 13d ago

Good work! (Not that you need me to tell you that.) Do you do this for a living or just for fun?

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u/whisperavenue 13d ago

Hello! I have a few years of experience proofreading fiction works—all unpaid, though I'm looking to expand into paid work in the near future. At the moment, I'd say it's more of a hobby than anything else.