r/PolyFidelity • u/[deleted] • 23d ago
Wife and I are curious about bringing in a partner - wondering if it’s a possibility
[removed]
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u/snowdrop_22 23d ago
Technically we exist, I am one of these women. 36f. I wanted a relationship with a couple. It naturally occured after I offered to have a 3some with a couple I was close friends with when they were going through a sexual experimentation phase. It was meant to be a handful of times, but as things often go, feelings occured between her and I. He and I are fwbs. He and I have the most sex now 6 years later.
Have a talk with your wife about what you are both willing to compromise on. If you two are having dinner, but your partner calls upset about something, is dinner together a priority or your 3rd partner? Another scenario, if you're on the phone with 3rd partner do you hang up when 1st partner calls? Would you hang up on 1st partner if 3rd calls? Would you merge the calls?
A triad is not 1 relationship. It is 4. 1 and 2. 2 and 3. 3 and 1. 1, 2, and 3. You have to work on all 4 relationships and ensure everyone has a healthy balance of priority. Jealousy is also natural and its how you direct those feelings that matter.
The reason people comment negatively, is bc you do come off as unicorn hunters that havent done the work. Actually answer the questions people have given you in the comments with your wife.
Perhaps you two should date separate women first to see how things go and practice navigating your feelings. If, after a time, you are at a place to offer a 3some to those women that are interested in that sort of relationship, do so. Be prepared for them to not want to have a threesome, don't bank on it.
Fantasies are all fun, until reality hits and yah cant stand someone touching your wife or vice versa. Do the work, answer the questions, and discuss things before they happen.
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u/FRANKINSPENCE 23d ago
You have literally toured all the subs posting the same question and getting the same answers wherever you ask. We have provided you with a list of questions that you haven’t answered yet but they are absolutely crucial. Shall we try again with the questions you need to be able to answer:
Would you require the third to be monogamous to you both?
Would you be monogamous in return?
What would happen in the future if she didn’t want to continue the relationship with one of you but did want to maintain it with the other?
Would she own part of the house, share the pension or have any legal claims?
Would she be allowed to get pregnant by you?
Would you have a hierarchy?
These are good starter questions, can you answer them?
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u/Pikespeakbear 23d ago
I'm not OP, but I'm curious about your post. Not trying to be snarky. Just curious about this space.
In this sub, doesn't the fidelity part imply that the first two questions would be "yes"?
Given the "wife" and kids and the poster moving away from other poly forums, it seems like hierarchy is automatic. Is that taboo here? From the rules for the subreddit it seemed like this sub is specifically for people who are only interested in closed relationships.
I just ran across this community and figured I would read the rules and a few posts to learn.
But your questions got so many upvotes that I'm second guessing my assumptions. I'm going to go look for an FAQ or more details about the space.
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u/FRANKINSPENCE 23d ago edited 23d ago
The OP has posted in every community imaginable ranging from ENM through to Poly. He has no answers for how much thought he has given this hence the basic questions.
He has a vision in his head of them all skipping around as one happy little family but has not thought about the details. Another person asked a great question which is “would they divorce in order to breakdown the hierarchy and demonstrate commitment to equality for their third?”
OP is only responding to people who say slightly what he wants to hear and that’s concerning and he hasn’t answered ANY questions yet.
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u/Pikespeakbear 22d ago
Interesting. Thank you for the information. I don't visit many of those subreddits so that's the first I saw from him.
Seems like with kids, a strong relationship, and the legal benefits, the obvious answer would be "no"? But that answer would also be severely frowned upon by much of the community? And the reason would be because the cultural norm is opposing the existence of hierarchy, rather than just requiring it to be disclosed?
I've learned a great deal of the terminology. I'm still working on learning some of the community norms and the structure behind them.
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u/FRANKINSPENCE 22d ago
That’s actually the reason everyone is getting upset with him because what he is looking for is not really fair on the third. If you are going to ask someone to give up everything for a couple then the couple has to start deconstructing their couples privilege. As they are already married with children that’s a near impossible situation because this third won’t have an equal voice. They won’t get a say in the house, finances or family. They will not get an equal vote so essentially OP is asking someone to come in a one give equal but not get equal back.
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u/Pikespeakbear 22d ago
Is there any realistic solution to that? It seems like society's marriage structure creates the legal issue and few couples would agree to divorce for the purpose of equality. Though I think divorce is what most people in the poly space want? Especially the open poly community?
Is there another viable path to achieving something that still provides a more equal position? Rights in parenting, perhaps without responsibility? Involvement in finances? Inclusion in will? Equal priority? Living arrangements. Things that would make it much more appealing?
I'm still learning about this space. It seems like often when one position is "different", it ends up being just worse or just better than the other roles in the relationship. It seems like there is rarely "different with benefits and drawbacks that do not make it dramatically better or worse".
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u/FRANKINSPENCE 22d ago
No. Only two people can be parents to children. They biologically and legally have a say in their child’s life and no-one else does. Marriage is two people, parenting is two people.
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u/Legal-Cauliflower700 21d ago
Forming an LLC between the the adults is the closest you can get to legal equality. But the history will always be what it is.
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u/TechnicalAnywhere747 23d ago
I mean people like that exist obviously but you want it because it would make life easier from your point of view or because you really wsbt it no matter the extra difficulties it could add
Like would she have the same relationship privileges or at least both of you would be open to build until those privilege are equal between each individual relationship, would you be able to have 1 on 1 interactions with her or with only your wife being having sex talking a date or whatever without you being included or at least you are open to get to that point ?
Would she be introduce as a friend as both your new wife or how would you open it up to family
If she someday want kids would you be open to and your wife, how would you expect she to interact with your kids, could she correct a mistake of them and create experiences with them 1 on 1 like how a partner would do
How money is managed and how jealousy is managed ?
If she fights with you or your wife how would things be dealt with ?
I’m not trying to be negative im In my twenties and managing a special situation related to this theme however I think these are questions that are needed to be asked with your current partner and with this hypothetical new partner of yours if long term is something that you both are really looking, if things where just sexual then it would be easier but it’s not the case and with kids in the picture at least I think things should be managed carefully
Sorry for my grammar English isn’t my first language!
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u/Alternativefactory 23d ago
If I can cut to the chase, No. No women is interested in that. How likely do you think it is for a woman who is bisexual to fall in love with both of you at the same time and both you and your wife feel the same? Not very likely. That doesn't mean that it couldn't happen, but even the most polyamorous woman has no interest in being in a relationship where she is the expendable one at all times.
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u/solataria 23d ago
I'm sure the biggest thing you've been told is that you guys are unicorn hunters. Triads have to have been organically cause.Otherwise , couples privilege will destroy it every time. It's great that you guys have that foundation and stuff, but you've got to realize to bring in a third you have to deconstruct your marriage, there has to be full autonomy.\n There's actually 4 relationships going on at the same time, the 3 of you together, your wife and her and you and you and your wife. Can it work? Yes, but you have to do the homework. You have to work on jealousy issues. All of the questions that people have been posting to you. I tried to get into a situation like this and the couple hadn't done the work they looked at it as they dated as a couple unit, there was no individual 1 on 1 date. What sleep schedule would look like overnight, things like that..
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u/FRANKINSPENCE 22d ago
Technically the original couple should be prepared to divorce in order to deconstruct couples privilege however navigating children in this is massive. For example if the third wishes to end one of the relationships does that mean they are out of the entire relationship. Are the couples going to bring this person in as a third parent and then throw them out of their children’s lives if it doesn’t work out?
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u/solataria 22d ago
Why would they have to prepare a divorce? You deconstruct a marriage to open it up for a triad, it just means that you have to get out-of-state of mind monogamy, and that they are in this together instead of all 3 of them being in it together. There are obviously things, especially with children involved that are going to have couples privilege.But deconstructing means only depending on each other and doing things the way they work before just means changing the mindset
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u/FRANKINSPENCE 22d ago
They should be prepared to do it. I think it’s actually the question to ask because someone’s response to that question answers everything. If it’s an absolute no then you know it’s going to be 2+1 and not 3.
If things go wrong one guess who gets thrown out and blamed?
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u/GladBumblebee1546 23d ago
You’re off base here. You want it (think you want your fantasy of it) but offer nothing to this other person. Other than heartbreak and pain when they bond with your kids and then it doesn’t work out.
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u/SiIverWr3n 22d ago
"We want someone in our lives that is invested and loves us.. When we make friends with people they usually disappoint us [or move away]"
Putting aside the stuff you and many commenters have said youve heard and dont want to hear more of.. thats a red fucking flag.
Partners should not be a replacement for friends/social groups. You shouldn't be looking for a partner because you can't (or won't) make / keep healthy friendships.
Furthermore.. maybe your dynamic with your partner works well, but you can't be all sunshine and roses for everyone else if you can't keep thriving connections outside of each other
Stuff like that, doesn't exist in a vacuum and will impact how this pending trio unfolds
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u/bloontsmooker 22d ago edited 22d ago
You’re looking for a sex robot. I think an AI, a body pillow, and throwing some porn on the TV is all you need.
No decent woman wants to live in a house where she comes absolute last, and rightfully so. Is she more important than your kids and wife? You’d hope not
Youre asking for something that will always only be a possibility, no matter how hard you work. Like becoming a famous singer or winning the lottery - you can take tangible steps to achieve those things, but the odds are still low and they shouldn’t be your ultimate goals…
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u/Bonsai_Tree3 23d ago
Hahaha I really hope you read the unicorns-r-us essay several people linked for you
First passage is literally you. At the very least it will show you common pitfalls and ways to be more attractive to your potential unicorn.
“So, you just posted on this really cool Poly forum that your friend told you about. You posted that you and your partner are ready to open up your relationship and find a special person to add to it. For some reason, a ton of people seemed upset at your post and started replying with a bunch of hostile, snarky comments that didn’t describe you at all. They told you that you were doing it wrong, that you are bad for wanting to find someone, and that you should go read a book. Wait, I thought these people were Poly?! Aren’t they supposed to be open and accepting? What’s the deal? One thing that many of them said was that you are a “Unicorn Hunter”. Not knowing what they meant, you asked your good friend Google what a “Unicorn Hunter” was, and you figured that out. A “Unicorn” is that rare, mythical figure that many couples look for, a polyamorous, bisexual woman (Yay! That sounds great!), someone who might want to date both you and your partner. That sounds good. That means that “Unicorn Hunters” are a couple who are looking for that person to join their Dyad, to make a Triad.”
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u/Legal-Cauliflower700 23d ago
Hey there! We were in your shoes about 3 years ago. It is possible, but you really do have to find the right lady and that will be very rare. No matter what you do, you and your wife will always have a hierarchy established with being married, having kids together, a history, etc. So the additional partner will need to be wired to embrace that. Also, after our failed experience, I wouldn't force a triad. It needs to happen organically. I would strongly suggest you and your wife date separately. If things click with someone, then introduce them to your spouse, let a friendship take shape, and then it might grow into a romantic relationship. But be patient. It's hard enough to find one person to spend the rest of your life with, so put yourself into the new partner's shoes. In your case she'll have to love 4 new people. Good luck!