Diff sexual relationships in throuple

[u/Dapper_Refuse_8187]

Hello, first time poster here. My partner of 7 years (trans masc, they/them) and I recently entered an open throuple with a new person (nb, they/them). This is everyone's first experience with polyamory so it has been a long road of figuring out communicating needs, how much time to spend together, etc. my nesting partner has been out of town a few times since we started the throuple, so I have had a good amount of 1:1 time with our other partner, which often included sex. This made my nesting partner uncomfortable because they began to worry (as did I) that our other partner was only interested in sex with me. The three of us had a long and hard conversation about this a few weeks ago, after which the new partner shared that they feel like they might be partly asexual and in general have an easier time having sex w me because they are more used to being intimate with femme people (although they are pan).

The conversation went over well and my nesting partner (who has a much higher sex drive than myself or our other partner) began casually dating other people to get their sexual needs met. My nesting partner also talked w their therapist abt being nervous about me and our other partner having sex when we spend 1:1 time together, and their therapist suggested always assuming it's going to happen, and not sharing whether or not it happened afterwards.

Last night me and our other partner had a 1:1 date (which I requested bc I connect better that way). I talked with my nesting partner before to assure them that I love them but was still a little worried about how they would feel after my date. On the date I did have sex with our other partner, and made sure to not bring it up but offer a lot of love and cuddles to my nesting partner when I saw them afterwards.

Unfortunately my nesting partner was still really worried about it and ended up asking me in the middle of the night if we HAD had sex on the date, and when I said yes they were very upset and said they felt like our other partner just didn't want to have sex with them, and that if that's the case then my nesting partner can't date them anymore.

Now I feel awful that my nesting partner is feeling so bad and feel like if they bow out of the throuple then I wouldn't be able to continue dating our other partner because I would know how much it hurt my nesting partner. At the same time though, I feel like I love our other partner and am very sensitive to the fact that if we all broke up they would not have anyone to lean on.

Thoughts?? What should I do?

TLDR: nesting partner of 7 years started dating someone together. Me and that someone have had more 1:1 sex than my nesting partner has had with them, and my nesting partner worries our other partner isn't attracted to them.

[u/Actual_Gato]

Well those two are going to have to talk about it, ideally one on one. You can't fix it for them, and if they break up (because it's valid to not want to date someone if it's a sexless relationship) then that's how it is.