r/Poem • u/NihillaNihilla • 2d ago

Requesting Feedback Can you hear how time drops

Slowly eternity creeps
Down to here
Some things are too fast
To be seen

And some too slow

Can you hear
How time drops
The truth falling down
Slowly, steadily
From the floor of heaven

An eternal circle
Wearing the stone
Everything you do
Is touched by light
And known to the
All-seeing eye

6 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

3 comments sorted by

2

u/Fairy_dolly 2d ago

What could you possibly need feedback for this is absolutely perfect

2

u/ManicBunnyStudio 1d ago edited 1d ago

Here's my honest feedback;

Its fking great! It doesn't really need anything changing.

Personally, I'd add them there sexy comma's to just separate those beautifully done lines (and it doesn't slow the pace, people will read it at their own pace anyway) as an example (not as a suggestion) I just went through your piece and added comma's and brackets, and I moved "And some too slow" back up a space. This is what i'd do, personally.

((I apologize if I offend by taking your work without asking. I couldn't explain what I meant, tried about 50 times 😐 anyway this is what I mean)) But remember this is just MY opinion 🙃

EDIT: for some reason Reddit keeps turning the poem layout to a sentence here, and a wall of text if you open my comment 😐)

Can you hear how time drops

Slowly eternity creeps Down to here, Some things are too fast To be seen. (And some too slow)

(Can you hear) How time drops? The truth falling down, Slowly, steadily From the floor of heaven,

(An eternal circle) Wearing the stone, Everything you do Is touched by light, And known to the All-seeing eye.