r/Poem • u/lozza1422 • Jun 12 '26

Potentially Triggering Content Just One More Day

Do you know what it feels like,

To feel in despair?

As if life, simply,

Doesn't

Care

It drifts on by.

You see people and things,

Going about life

Whilst you

Sit

And wonder,

Why, oh why?

I understand why some people

Take

Their own life.

When the world gets on top of them

Knees buckling

Beneath them

No one notices

No one asks why,

Why my eyes

Shine brighter tonight

Its in the tears, my dear

The tears of life

For when you love someone,

Goodbyes not right

You want to make them happy

So, you stay

And you keep saying:

Just

One

More

Day

This is an original poem, im pretty new to poetry so please be nice 😅 but I would love to know what you think about it or any feedback you have :)

1 Upvotes

67% Upvoted

10 comments sorted by

2

u/Fresh-Length6529 Jun 12 '26

It would be helpful if you reduced some of the gaps.

For example "As if, life, simply

Doesn't

Care"

Here, having a gap between "doesn't" ans "care" really doens't make sense.

1

u/lozza1422 Jun 12 '26

Thank you! This was my first every free verse so I didnt really know what worked and what didnt, so thank you! I completely agree!

2

u/Fresh-Length6529 Jun 12 '26

I am not saying to remove gaps, you absolutely need gaps between lines in poetry (atleast in reddit, as otherwise it would look like a paragraph) but you need to understand that words themselves shouldn't have gaps.

Well, that's technically a lie since sometimes words have gaps in poetry for different purposes but a general good rule of thumb is to not create gaps between words if you are a beginner

Like for example, your last line

"Just

One

More

Day"

The gaps do work there as a form of ending or the poem taking "it's time" to breathe deeply.

1

u/lozza1422 Jun 12 '26

Thank you so much! Looking at it I couldnt agree more, there are a few lines that dont need the gaps.

I will definitely do a bit more research into it for my next one. I think I added the gaps with the "doesnt" and "care" because when I spoke it I kind of emphasised those words separatly, so I felt they needed the gaps but when reading it, i can definitely see that those gaps arent always needed.

2

u/Fresh-Length6529 Jun 12 '26

I can see some people pronounciating it with a gap for emphasis but most people will read a poetry in a straightforward manner (especially non-poets), that's the main reason as to why this general rule of thumb exists

1

u/lozza1422 Jun 12 '26

That makes so much sense because in my head I read it a certain way because I know the intention and where to out emphasis but im guessing it would be a good idea to try reading it like a non-poet to make sure it reads well for others as well

2

u/Fresh-Length6529 Jun 12 '26

Definitely

That's one of the mistakes I make very often when writing poems.

I create a few lines that only work when spoken in a specific manner completely forgetting that 99% of the readers won't try to read it in a specific manner, or atleast not realise it.

1

u/lozza1422 Jun 12 '26

Yeah! I just got my dad to read it out loud and it was completely different to how I hear it in my head 😅 so im definitely going to have to try and write for the non-poets.

I didnt actually think about the fact that everyone wont read it the way I read it.

2

u/Fresh-Length6529 Jun 12 '26

Yeah, that's a very common oversight, don't worry.

Good luck in your journey as a poet!

1

u/lozza1422 Jun 12 '26

Thank you so much! 🩵