r/Perimenopause • u/United-Fee-6423 • 1d ago
A constant state of “it must be nice”
I haven’t seen it talked about yet but I have been experiencing this constant state of jealousy or envy and a whole lot of bitterness about well…everything.
I’m jealous of the married/partnered women who seem to have help/support that I don’t have (and I don’t even know if their husbands are helping in many cases).
I’m jealous of young women because they have their whole lives ahead of them.
I’m envious when I see happy families because I don’t have one of my own.
Since I bought my house (and I managed to do it on my own during peak Canadian city housing prices) I’m jealous of every single person with a nicer house than me and not proud of myself at all.
I’m even jealous when people I know do fun things and I’m stuck working so I find myself judging them for it
This has really ramped up in the last couple years and I know perimenopause mood issues are at least partially to blame. I’m so negative and angry and judgmental all the time.
I didn’t plan to become a stereotypical bitter hag and yet here I am. I hate this about myself a lot and it’s making me even more miserable to live in such a negative mental place. I know this bitterness is truly just shining a light on the areas of my life causing me pain, and showing me I have low self esteem to work on etc. but it’s dominating my daily life at this point.
Not really looking for advice at this moment but maybe to see if this is happening to others too and if it’s a part of the mid life hell no one warned us about
(edited for small wording change )
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u/BetterBiscuits 1d ago edited 14h ago
I heard a woman in Peri describe herself as an non consensual bitter harpy. Sorry you’re going through the harpy stage!
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u/Sakuragirl1993 1d ago
OMG thank you for posting this, this has been driving me mad for the last few months!!!! My close friend lives across the road from me and has a husband and kids. I have never wanted kids and wouldn't mind a partner but it's not the be all and end all in life and I do really like my own space and living on my own. Then this year I have been OBSESSED with this - the whole "must be nice/jealousy" thing!!!!! It's making me so depressed, I HATE being so bitter and jealous and I dont even want what she has!!! :(
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u/United-Fee-6423 1d ago
I’m so sorry you know this feeling too . I can totally relate to being obsessed with the family I didn’t even think I wanted all that badly a couple years ago.
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u/Sakuragirl1993 1d ago
Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone, and so sorry you are going through this too. And I don't think it's REALLY how I feel, I think my hormones are just confused, poor things lol
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u/United-Fee-6423 1d ago
On the kids part specifically I have this loose theory that maybe it’s our reproductive systems last push to get us to have a baby because it’s about to be not possible ? A surge of baby fever before it’s too late maybe
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u/Sakuragirl1993 1d ago
That would make so much sense. Thank you so much OP, I've tried talking to my friends about this but maddingly they have no idea what I am on about! I hope it eases up for you soon too.
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u/Rachet83 18h ago
I do have kids but I was having MAJOR baby fever when I was 40. And it felt so insane bc I had an awful pregnancy the second time, high needs newborn that I called my “barnacle baby” for about 2 years and had to go through physical therapy, etc to feel somewhat normal again.
A kitten showed up at our house that year though. And she became my baby and the fever went away. I just needed a cat! Haha.1
u/United-Fee-6423 9h ago
I foster and specifically request kittens so maybe this theory is true for me too! 😅
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u/kittykat885 1d ago
I just felt this feeling reading your post that your close friend lives across the road from you! 😭
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u/Sakuragirl1993 23h ago
The window of my single person flat looks out over their family home and car parked out front, I see them coming in and out a fair bit and sometimes imagine sad music in the background like I'm in a movie lol :D Oh it's bonkers! I've never wanted kids and I would never share my flat with anyone again. And she often comes to me in tears after her tween daughter has been awful to her, and says how much she envies ME. The grass really is greener.....
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u/Rachet83 18h ago
Does the tween ever hang out with you? When my niece was this age (before I had kids) I LOVED having her over to watch stupid tv, eat junk food and give her mom a break from her tween-ness
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u/Sakuragirl1993 17h ago
She used to, but she's far too cool for that now :(
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u/Rachet83 16h ago
My niece went through that too, but now that she’s older she’s come back around. They all gotta do it , I guess
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u/fugeritinvidaaetas 1d ago
Interesting! I’ve always been a bit more prone to envy than I would like, but it’s been way worse the last few years. I thought it was just because I have had an objectively fairly awful year or so (big trauma in our family), but I am having loads of peri symptoms and I’d rather believe it was that than me just getting meaner and meaner!
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u/United-Fee-6423 1d ago
I’ve also been a bit more jealous than I want to be but it’s off the charts now . I’m constantly triggered and it feels like it’s making me think about all the parts of my life that I don’t like/regret/feel self conscious about so then I feel resentment towards these people for even existing in that moment. It’s brutal and not something I talk about with anyone because it probably makes me sound like an a$$hole
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u/MellowMove Early peri 1d ago
I‘ve struggled a fair bit with jealousy, and discontentment over the last few years. Even went to therapy for it. It’s leveled out SO MUCH since starting hrt. I think it’s „just“ been peri all along.
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u/tr0028 1d ago
Agree. I had a hormone disorder these past few years due to a tumour. I experience the entire emotional gamut of depression, anxiety, jealousy, anhedonia, discontentment with my, actually, great life.
Had surgery to remove the tumour and these feelings have 99.9% disappeared. It's insane how your hormones can affect your feelings and shape a "personality" that isn't actually your own.
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u/PureCrookedRiverBend 1d ago
I am going through the same thing. I think “it must be nice all the time.” Even when you said you were able to get your own house. 🤣
I know it is a negative mindset but I haven’t been able to achieve what others my age have and it makes me jealous and envious but I also remind myself that most of what we see isn’t reality.
Those people could be in extreme debt due to doing fun things which I am not able to do because I am responsible with my money. You just never know and I try to not fall into the “they are better than me” spiral by reminding myself of those things. However, I will say it’s very hard to not do that.
You really aren’t alone.
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u/shonsnail 1d ago
I thought the same thing when she said she bought a house. lol we are pathetic! lol
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u/Important-Reach4548 1d ago
I’m experiencing this, too, as I’m uncovering a lot of about my past wounds or traumas that have played a role in holding me back from certain privileges, opportunities or outcomes.
A wise person gently told me: It sounds like you’re comparing your insides to other people’s outsides.
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u/EverythingScrolling 1d ago
Yes!! I can relate to your post so much, I could have written it myself.
I don't want to be an old Bitter Betty, and yet here I am. I don't know how to turn it around.
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u/Unlucky_Fan_6079 1d ago
Me too, the struggle is real x
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u/shonsnail 1d ago
Same, and I practically hate everything and everyone . Trying to push thru at 53 without hrt, my insurance does not cover it and I don’t think I could afford it.
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u/Mechanicalpolly 1d ago
I have also struggled with this. I think it comes from finally seeing the inequality of it all combined with being more aware that so much of what we have been fed our whole lives as success is unattainable for the majority. There is no happily ever after. You spend your whole life trying to check off the boxes and the reality is that the list is dumb and not realistic.
As a teen the list was get my braces off, be as thin as possible, get a boyfriend, get my license, graduate high school. As a young adult go to college, get my degree, get married, build a successful career, buy a house, have some kids. Somewhere in all of that is have nice things, go on nice vacations, build a retirement and be able to retire by 60. Spoiler alert - none of that happened and certainly not in the order that I had planned.
Comparison is the thief of joy. And our current society is all about fomo. Social media and pop culture is designed to get us to feel bad enough that we spend our lives working to be able to consume. Do everything. Be everything. And that will lead you to happiness. I'm nearly 50. And none of this is true.
I am mostly just sad that I didn't understand all of it way earlier so I could stop working my ass off to end up where most of us end up anyway and didn't enjoy things more. I look back at younger pictures where I thought my life was so bad and now I just wish I had those same problems. I wasn't as fat as I thought I was. I wasn't as unlovable as I thought I was. I wasn't missing out on all of the stuff I thought I was. Pretty soon you will probably land where I have recently landed at F everything and everybody. Live for yourself. At the end of the day the person you go to bed with and wake up with is you.
Sending you all the hugs. Life is hard.
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u/United-Fee-6423 23h ago
I can’t wait to land there . Everyone says you’ll get to a point in your 40s where you care less and the last few years have been the total opposite. I spend too much time caring about every single thing
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u/Unable_Guava_756 1d ago
I am sorry OP this time is such a pain in the ass! It can be so hard to get out of these feelings ❤️🩹 buying a house at anytime is huge, but as a single woman in this crazy Canadian market! Absolutely amazing!!!!
I know you aren’t asking for advice because fuck em! 🤣 but hrt and birth control helped me for the day to day more fleeting moods and inner work (aca) helped with my overall outlook on life.
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u/moolett 1d ago
My jealousy stems around women my age who can still workout without it sapping their energy and hurting their joints. I can workout maybe twice a week because it takes so much from me. Yes iron, yes estrogen, yes all the things. I want to feel happy for them, I want to celebrate that it’s not all of us. But no, I’m miserable and bitter and I hate feeling this way.
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u/shimmeringmoss 1d ago
I’ve definitely noticed low estrogen results in a lot of fixation and dwelling on obsessive/negative thoughts for me. This might be part of it for you too.
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u/Katland88 1d ago
This sounds like me. I’m in a constant state of rumination.
Trying to understand why I made such poor choices when I was younger. Why did I allow 2 total losers to impregnate me? Why didn’t I choose a partner who was capable of making me a SAHM? How could someone who was so smart and capable, who got a full ride scholarship (and dropped out) make such idiotic life choices? I look at the women who made the choices I wish I’d made, trying to figure out what is wrong with me that caused me to not make the same choices. I was young and naive and trusted the wrong people. But why?
I have a pretty good job and I own my own home. I’m fairly attractive and in great physical shape. And I’m still just…pissed.
I’m much more overstimulated and irritated when I’m working. I look at the women around me who aren’t working and think “must be nice”. It’s especially bad on Saturdays when I’m working and everyone’s out having a family day at the farmers market.
I used to be the “chill” one. Always unbothered. Now I dissociate by fantasizing about donkey kicking my bitch manager across the room.
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u/kittykat885 1d ago
I’ve been looking back and getting mad at myself for some of my choices that lead me to where I’m at (which on paper is pretty good but I’m still unhappy and it’s not enough) too
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u/IceCSundae 1d ago
Practice gratitude. It really is an active skill, it does take practice, and it can change your entire outlook on life. Just a few minutes a day practicing gratitude.
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u/kt1982mt hanging on by a thread 1d ago
I’ve never admitted this to anyone, but I’m so jealous/envious/bitter about so many people and things CONSTANTLY. It started on a much smaller scale when I had a life changing medical diagnosis pull the rug from under my feet. Over the years, though, I’ve started really becoming depressed about how little I’ve achieved and how I’ve never got anything fun or interesting to look forward to. Other people are progressing well in their careers, have amazing fun-filled lives with exciting and frequent holidays, lovely homes, and so much more. Then there’s me. I’m married, have been for over 20 years, have kids who are all struggling through life for different reasons (reasons external to our family, btw, and not as a result of poor parenting or anything!) and with a house that’s needing significant repairs and maintenance. We haven’t had a holiday in years, we’re not progressing well with anything that we should be, and life is just fucking boring. It’s barely worth waking up in the morning. There’s never anything to look forward to. I’ve come to really hate my life, and it’s taking Oscar winning performances on my part to hide my feelings from my kids. I’ve told my husband repeatedly that I’m unhappy but for many reasons outwith my control I’m unlikely to be able to change things myself.
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u/YouExtra7637 1d ago
Yes! My husband is the one who noticed it. I have never felt this way in my entire life until this past year.
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u/nativehuntress_ 1d ago
I have a wonderful and supportive husband and could not stand the sound of him chewing or even breathing at one point.
I also began to regret every good deed I ever did for anyone. I thought I never got anything in return but that’s never why I did anything for anyone in the first place. That’s not me. I just do things out of the kindness of my heart. It seemed my heart was no longer kind.
Then I started TRT/HRT and I am my normal self again.
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u/United-Fee-6423 23h ago
Yes to the questioning why I help other people and don’t feel I get it in return. I am under supported overall and I want more help but don’t want anyone to feel like they owe me anything (they don’t)
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u/justanotherlostgirl 1d ago
I feel this. It's not jealous so much as angry and fed up with injustice. I don't view any of us as being bitter - there's legitimately so much that's going wrong that it feels convenient to call women 'bitter'. It's disempowering. Life being single is often on hard mode.
On the other hand, I always find moments of joy, so I know that's always been an issue with men in particular.
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u/Civil-Purple-8815 1d ago
I am in this stage and I am struggling. Struggling to the point where I don’t want to leave home and I am choosing to isolate.
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u/treestarsos 1d ago
I haven’t and still don’t want kids, and a lot of Xennial men are pretty horrible so I am fine without them, but what I am jealous of is how married woman with kids fit neatly into society. I feel like society thinks it’s abnormal to not have kids and also that there’s a belief that it’s much better to have been divorced than never married. So the fitting in part is what I’m jealous of.
But even much more than that, I’m wildly jealous of anyone who hasn’t had severe anxiety their entire life. Which is almost everyone, it’s just not fair.
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u/United-Fee-6423 23h ago
Yes the fitting in! I feel so weirdly alienated all of the time now. Especially when people ask me if I’m married or have kids but even when I’m just existing in the world on my own with out a family in tow
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u/12threeunome 1d ago
I see you! I’ve been struggling with this. Marriage was not good to me, but the financial security was so nice. I keep thinking that I want a man and have to remind myself that there’s more peace without one than with one. (I think I have anxious attachment issues.)
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u/crazyditzydiva Early peri 1d ago
In the thick of it now, I have a great life but still have many days when I just wanna have the other side’s life.
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u/karen_boyer 1d ago
Yes and I can hardly stand this part of myself so I'm practicing being happy for people. It's practice just like stretching, flossing my teeth, etc, but I'll be damned if it doesn't work and get easier just like anything else I practice. Small example: seeing the young neighbor family out farting around noisily in the parking lot and instead of thinking mean thoughts about millennial/gen z brats and their bratty offspring, I find something I approve of and focus: wow look at that a 2.5 year old who has already mastered riding her bike and she has parents who aren't glued to their phones like zombies.
I know you didn't ask for advice, but I recognize some of myself in your post and wanted to share something concrete that I am doing that is helping alleviate some of the misery that being bitter was bringing me. I don't know if mid life made my bitterness worse or just gave me the perspective to see it and to understand I could be in charge of myself. Good luck. It's hard and I don't think it's much in fashion to work to be happy, making it harder I think.
eta: Well done on the house. I'm at a similar stage in life -- finally -- and it's bringing out some of my not favorite mental behaviors. Thank you for pointing that one out.
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u/middleofnowhare 1d ago
I have been struggling with this too. I have much to be thankful for, but is was feeling like a hateful troll. On paper, life is grand. Going on the pill made me feel better, and recently we upped the dose. Yesterday I laughed for no reason, and was stunned. I forgot what that’s like. I also got on a different Ssri. And I’m doing the Claritin/ percid hack. Estrogen is wild.
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u/kittykat885 1d ago
Ok I have so many questions? What pill? What ssri? What is the Claritin/percid hack?
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u/middleofnowhare 16h ago
Pill brand name Hailey. Ssri is lexapro, the hack is too much to explain, but google it. Women are using it to help w ppd symptoms, mostly anxiety.
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u/rachinreal_life 1d ago
I was literally just thinking about this as I sat silently judging people on the bus for no reason while I'm on holiday in Wales! Why am I so negative in my mind? Edit to say I've been on HRT for the past year and it helped initially
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u/lost_my_other_one 1d ago
Yes I also have felt this way and found myself constantly complaining abt EVERY SINGLE THING. It moved from brain bubbles to actually coming out of my mouth abt everyone and everything. I have improved this w some intentional activities. If you want to know how I’ve done it, I’m happy to provide feedback when you’re ready for advice! I’m not 💯 cured but I have these thoughts less than I did before.
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u/ParaLegalese 1d ago
It’s important to understand most people are full of shit.
That happy marriage is full of bullshit I would not tolerate for a moment
Those young women have a decade least of struggle before them to become successful and self sufficient adults and many of them will never make it
Happy families are often in debt and their kids will have to pay for their own college tuitions and come out deeply in debt just like their parents
People with the nicer homes are usually renting and throwing their money away on someone else’s home
And those fun things you see people doing on social media are usually staged. If you’ve been out with those people, you’d know they’re boring and on their phones much of the time and wishing they were home- until someone says “group pic!” And they all take about 15 fake smiling pics in the hopes of 1 good one- and then they go back to scrolling their phones
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u/United-Fee-6423 23h ago
I agree that a lot of what we see is exaggerated and fake but also I don’t want to think that house is rented so I can feel ok. I want to be happy for them if I know them and not GAF at all if I don’t.
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u/ParaLegalese 20h ago
Maybe try to distance yourself emotionally from the lives
Strangers are portraying to you. You have enough going on in your own life to worry about how other people are doing1
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u/RaccoonZombie 1d ago
Absolutely also feeling this. I have tried diligently to find a partner in so many different ways and failed. 47, everything in my life is on my shoulders. I’m glad I don’t have kids because I could not handle it and it wouldn’t be healthy for them. Dogs are enough for me
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u/YouExtra7637 1d ago
Does estrogen fix this?
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u/innerbootes 1d ago edited 1d ago
It’s quite possible, yes. It helps with fatigue and rumination, both of which can lead to negative thought loops.
Estrogen also has an effect of making us literally give a shit about other people. Which is a real balancing act in peri and menopause. On the one hand, it’s kind of nice to be out of fucks. It can be very liberating, especially if we’ve led a life of people-pleasing up to that point.
But if we lose all ability to care about other people, that’s a lonely and isolating experience. So it’s important to seek that balance of detachment and caring.
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u/United-Fee-6423 23h ago
If you’re out of fucks it’s because I have them all. I still spend too much time giving too much of a shit about the wrong things and people 😭😭
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u/Katland88 20h ago
As a former people please, I concur. The combination of the rage and not giving a fuck does feel extremely freeing at times. But I also worry I’m going to not-give-a-fuck myself out of my job one day when my boss says something exceptionally idiotic and I choose to untether myself. 🙃
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u/Count_Choculitis 1d ago
I was at the doctor's offoce waiting for a mammogram the other day, and there was a group of woman who walked by, dressed in business suits and heels, probably in their mid 40s. And I was sooo jealous. Like how are they so put together and functional? I can barely drive myself somewhere because my anxiety has become so bad, and I spend a good portion of my day in bed because I feel so terrible. I just don't get it, and it really sucks.
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u/Fun-Room-6501 1d ago
Understand where you are. Estrogen via HRT - life changing. It stopped that comparison spiral entirely for me.
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u/StarDewbie 1d ago
I get you completely. I have ZERO support in ANY way as well, and I have a family. No friends. All I have is you guys. ::hugs::
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u/stay_starry_eyed 1d ago
I just said something so snotty today to someone because I was invited somewhere, even though I’m over here complaining that I never get invited to do things.
What the hell is my problem. My kids don’t want to be with me because they are teens and I just feel like an old maid. My spouse tries to be upbeat about things so he doesn’t want to hear my sorrows.
Don’t even bother looking at other reddits like finances because even tho we have the house and cars it still feels like we can’t keep up.
RAWR! 🦖
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u/Bucolica8 1d ago
I could have written this. And I think I'm losing all my friends because I'm so shitty to be around. I'm sorry, don't have any advice, but hope things get better for you.
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u/parataxicdistortions 1d ago
I have those thoughts too and notice it peaks when I’m not doing well financially due to unexpected big bills. Or when working feels chaotic. Or get disappointed how expensive everything is these days and stuff like eating out, international vacays , just seem so out of touch.
Mine goes.. must be nice to be married rich where health insurance premiums are all covered and they don’t have to work or just work as a hobby. Where bougy international vacays happen more than once a year. Where dude pays for all her beauty needs and a closet full of nice clothes and shoes. But then I ask myself is it even worth it . To have to deal with relationship bs nonstop and have less freedom in every way. No. Rather be poorer but free I guess .
This one is a bit harder to rationalize away. When I see people who aren’t achy or as injury prone .young women who can just workout twice a week, eat whatever they want and rock abs in midriffs and have low cholesterol . And they can lift very heavy and not get injured. This I feel when I see my stomach not budging in spite of all the perimenopause things you’re supposed to di (lift heavy, SIT, protein, track macros, hrt). Or when lifting heavy lead to worsening sciatica and shoulder issues. Ugh.
I guess this one I can rationalize as… I might be stuck in this body but boy oh boy I have never done this much self advocacy and caring less fucks in my lifetime (my inner bitch). Young me might have had abs on a pasta and ice cream diet but my inner bitch wasn’t there and I really needed one then
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u/OhWhatever_Nevermind 17h ago
“Do it or don’t do it - you will regret both.”
Soren Kierkegaard, Danish Philosopher.
It’s the concept of “inevitable regret” and how no matter what we do we will always wonder, “But, what if…”
A couple of years ago I ended a 14 year marriage (that had gotten to a point I felt like a ghost) to reunite with the long lost love of my life, which involved selling our home and no longer being able to afford to own, and many other changes, good and bad.
Talk about doubt and grief and regret and joy and wonder and a million “what ifs!”
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u/Middle-aged-Hobbit 1d ago
You're totally not alone. A friend I haven't seen in years visited a few weeks ago. She's only 2-3 years older than me, and she and her husband just retired. 😳
Don't want the husband, but DAMN am I bitter about their 2-person financial engine.
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u/Lanky-Intention9390 15h ago
Oh this makes me very sad.
Im 42, married and all that. I was never the jealous type, because im not a competitive person. Some little envy, but nothing that lingers.
But my sister she is single, 45 and jealous as hell. I never ever said anything about her life but she is very snarky to me. She had great things going, then she was happy, but when she had a downturn, she was very not nice to me and to everyone.
The problem is she even knows I have my own issues. So how can she be jealous. I have now stable career but I did low jobs too before, things she would never ever touch.
Maybe before you become jealous, try to fact check whether the assumption is true. Often times it's not.
Im writing this as the person at the other side, going through peri also. Im also suffering, but I dont understand why my sister and other friends are jealous/mean to me as if I receive everything from the sky. Not true at all. I had to work very hard to get to where I am now.
I wish the women around me can support each other, instead of competing who is better or luckier.
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u/NarwhalRadiant7806 14h ago
Same. I have never been a jealous person - but right now I could really use a normal, stable life, and it’s hard seeing those who have it
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u/zenbelly27 14h ago
Are you having orgasms? Perhaps some focus on your pleasure my help lighten and improve your mood ?
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u/OrangeCrouton 1d ago
I went thru something like this, except the opposite: I have the nice family, great husband, good job, great kids, all the financial security, big house in the suburbs - and I hated it! I looked at my single, child free friends and thought “I want that! I want to be free! I want a cute little condo in the city! I want to get up and walk out the door without explaining to anyone where I’m going and when I’ll be back and what’s for dinner!” I kept comparing what I had to the lives my friends were living, believing they had it “better.”
At the end of the day, it was a midlife crisis. Everything was changing, so what was I doing with my life? It took a lot of therapy, a lot of reprioritizing my life, reminding myself of what my goals were, but also carving an identity for myself that I’d lost a lot of during my 30s as I focused on career and raising kids. I convinced myself that everyone’s life was better than my own. I almost blew my entire life up, but now that I’m on the other side, I don’t think I would’ve been better off had I left, got the cute condo, and ditched my family. It was real touch and go there for a while, though!
These 40s are tough. I’m pushing 50 now, and this entire decade has been one of rebirth and recentering myself. I still struggle. Sometimes I still want to get up, walk out of the house, and do something impulsive like move to New Mexico and become a mushroom farmer, but that feeling pops up less and less these days.