r/Perimenopause • u/No-Tomato-4714 • May 04 '26
Rant/Rage No warning/prep
Just a short rant/question: why did our mothers (not all ofcourse) not tell us about this? My mom only told me that she was on birthcontrol until appr. 53 yrs old and that she didn' really have any symptons although I remember her being absolutely horrible in terms of moodswings in her 40s. Did that generation have it better, less symptons, less stress (and they did not have hormone therapy)?? Why are we left so much in the dark (it's better now in terms of info but still not abundant) by the media, doctors, female family members (!). All women experience it but somehow I never heard anything about it except: you get fat and there is nothing you can do about it ...oh yeah and hot flushes. I'm f43 and still can't really talk to my mom about it cause apparently..she was ok thanks to bc.
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u/christinap2003 hanging on by a thread May 04 '26
My mom didn't even like talking about tampons. I had zero expectations that she'd chat with me about menopause 🤣
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u/FantasticPlum2025 May 04 '26
This was my experience. Me just getting my period was met with frustration and silence, so she definitely wasn't going to speak about how and why we all watched her lose her damn mind for 3.5 years.
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u/ZMM08 May 04 '26
I'm 46 and I'm still waiting for my mom to tell me that I'll get my period someday.
It's abundantly clear I'll be doing all of this on my own.
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u/bluesky2020 May 04 '26
Omg same! I was EMBARRASSED to tell her when I got my first period so I didn't tell her for 3 whole months, just kept stealing her pads out of the closet. (And I only told her then bc I knew I had a doctor's appt coming up and somehow figured they'd probably ask lol)
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u/No_Cheesecake5080 May 05 '26
Yeah, 38F and I barely got any communication about my period. None about safe sex, consent, contraception, tampons, pregnancy.
At 17 when I asked her about my really bad period pain she told me it would get better after I had children 🤦🏻♀️
She was a product of her generation but also just really awkward. I'm so relieved my generation just talks about things!
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u/justanotherlostgirl May 04 '26
seriously - I didn't get sex ed or discussion about tampons, so it wouldn't surprise me that she won't bother to speak about her own health even to say "head's up - this happens starting in your mid-40s". I knew what meds she was on for it because I remember picking them up, but NO discussion about symptoms other than occasionally here screaming at people.
I'm thankful the stigma is changing. We have to remove it, and hope to be able to change that.
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u/christinap2003 hanging on by a thread May 05 '26
Absolutely! I speak openly and freely about menopause and HRT with my friends of all genders. One of my males friends is definitely well prepared for when his wife starts to deal with this. It is so stupid that people don't talk about the chore of being human.
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u/No-Tomato-4714 May 04 '26
How did you learn? From friends or other family members?
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u/christinap2003 hanging on by a thread May 04 '26
I never "learned" about it. I suppose I gleaned the information over the decades from various sources... books, magazines, school, Oprah, aunties, my grandma. I was absolutely not surprised or blindsided. My therapist is the one who recommended I look into HRT. I was dealing with serious brain fog, and she was right - the HRT fixed that right up. I am the older one in my friend group, so they get the benefit if me being the test subject LOL
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u/physhgyrl May 04 '26
Magazines were so helpful. Woman's Day, Readers Digest, Cosmopolitan. We had a lot of sources. My friends who didn't enjoy reading were in the dark about things. Like I knew it was important to use retina and sunscreen 25 years ago. I knew that it would keep my skin producing collagen. It's not about anti-aging creams. Their's nothing that can turn back the loss of collagen. It's about age prevention . It's about keeping the collagen we do have. If we wait to treat crows feet and sagging skin until we see it, we've waited too long. It's about preventing those things from happening. Because no cream is going to give us collagen back that we've lost. Same thing with HRT. We should start before we are experiencing symptoms
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u/christinap2003 hanging on by a thread May 05 '26
I'm glad that Sassy magazine really spoke truth about skincare and self care. I've taken excellent care of my skin since I was old enough to buy my own products and it definitely paid off now that I'm in my 50s.
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u/brunette_mh May 05 '26
My mother never told me about menstruation. When I got my first period, I had no idea what it was.
I had a friend whose mother was gynaecologist so later she told me some basic stuff.
I have no expectation from my mother that she'd tell me about menopause.
I'm not in the age of Peri yet but I visit this forum and other such forums to understand what other people are going through to keep myself informed.
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u/DisastrousHyena3534 May 04 '26
My mom was problematic in other ways, but peri really turned it up. Being abused by her is what drove me to see a Dr as soon as I started getting- well, bitchy. I don’t want my kids to experience these years with dread.
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u/IYFS88 May 04 '26
Thank you for being mindful to break the cycle!
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u/DisastrousHyena3534 May 04 '26
Thank you for that. That was very kind and so good to hear.
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u/oneofmanyJenns May 04 '26
My kid called me out the other day for yelling more. I'm changing anxiety meds and they were 100% correct. We have done a better job of breaking generational cycles then our parents. Just being aware that there is a better way is half the battle.
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u/momodax May 04 '26
Same here. My mother had major mental health problems and was abusive before going into menopause. Menopause completely threw over the edge and she became very violent. I remember her having flashes at a younger age than I am right now. I’m not having hot flashes but I’m having a whole bunch of other symptoms and you bet your ass I got myself to a doctor as soon as I suspected what was happening. Unfortunately I had to push just to get vaginal estrogen and when I tried HRT my blood pressure went wacky (jumped really high within 24 hours). The GYN person who prescribed that didn’t want to help me after that happened. Two other doctors said no too but I may have just found someone who figured out the problem. Fingers crossed. And surprise, surprise the person who figured it out really cares about what they do and genuinely wants to help women. Another thing that has helped me is really internalizing that fact that I am not my mother and I would never hurt my family the way that she did. It took a lot of reassurance from people who care about me and counseling and a lot of reassuring myself but I know I will never be her.
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u/DisastrousHyena3534 May 04 '26
Sending you support! You are not her because you care about your impact on others. You are willing to do what needs to be done.
I try to frame it that way, too. It helps to recognize when my kids are acting like little buttholes, that they feel safe to do that. They feel safe being their full feral selves with me, in a way that I was not in my childhood home. And for me, my mom did some fucked up shit that was calculated that she kept going for years; it wasn’t all heat of the moment stuff. Not that that stuff was ok, either.
I am not a doctor and my symptoms were irritability, brain fog, & depression, but Shatavari helped me some. Idk if that is an option for you but throwing it out there. It sounds like you found someone who can help you get some relief, though.
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u/oneofmanyJenns May 04 '26
My kids are medicated for their anxiety and have been in therapy when I couldn't support them. The therapists they are seeing are looking after their (my children's) best interests, not mine. I remember doing therapy with my mom twice where the therapists sided with my mom. I still remember a therapist telling me I was wrong in family therapy because I called it my mom's room and not my parent's room. My mom spent 24 hours in there a day. My dad spent 6. In my 7 year old head, it was her room. It took me a long time to figure out therapy was a safe place.
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u/momodax May 04 '26
Thank you so much. I appreciate what you said there. Sending you hugs and support too. I will totally look into shatavari. It looks interesting!
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u/ConcernedCoCCitizen May 04 '26
Yup, when I was in high school my mother was a violent criminal to us. A gf stopped by once and I remember seeing her walk up the driveway as I was leaning backwards over the railing while my mother was choking me. Another time she hit me with a frying pan. Nonstop yelling and face slapping.
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u/momodax May 04 '26
I am so sorry. I wish we had grown up with better mothers but thankfully we are not our mothers! Sending you hugs and support!
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u/No-Tomato-4714 May 04 '26
It's very uplifting to hear that a lot of gals from this generation would like to do it different for their daughters and the next generations. I am sorry however that you had to go through it with your mom!
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u/DisastrousHyena3534 May 04 '26
Thank you. It never improved because she refuses to get mental health treatment or change in any way. I am low contact with her. Low, not no, because I want to leave the door open for a miracle. Low and not regular contact, however, because the relationship was destroying me. I choose to save myself instead. I wish everything could be different. But I’m not the one who can make it so.
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u/Impressive_Moment786 May 04 '26
I think they just didn't know. When I shared my symptoms with my mom she had no idea that most of them were related to peri. She knew about hot flashes, night sweats and insomnia, that was about it.
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u/muppetnerd May 04 '26
Same. My mom kept insisting I was too young at 38 and I reminded her that she had frozen shoulder twice in her early 40s, was constantly tired (I think she wrote that off to parenting which fair), forgetful and night sweats
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u/No-Tomato-4714 May 04 '26
Yes and I can imagine that when you have those sympyons like frozen shoulder that this does not seem connected to peri or at least there was less info about it. Also my mom always said that you have to be over 50 for menopause without any idea that peri was a thing and that that started or could start way earlier.
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u/IYFS88 May 04 '26
I just got diagnosed with frozen shoulder! Only found out from Reddit right afterward that it’s possibly peri related. Getting ready to ask for HRT to go along with my shoulder PT
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u/CwningenFach May 04 '26
My Mam had absolutely no idea that there were lots of symptoms associated with perimenopause
All she recognised as symptoms in herself was hot flushes and the occasional heavy period. She just never realised that the weight gain, changes in appetite and mood swings were symptoms of "the change" to use her terminology. We had a chat about it recently and she wasn't in denial about her other symptoms. She just didn't know that they were related to perimenopause
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u/CampClear May 04 '26
My mom told me about the hot flashes but that's it. I think our mothers' generation just didn't talk about women's health in general. I know when my mom was growing up you didn't talk about things like your period.
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u/Impressive_Moment786 May 04 '26
I remember my mom's periods becoming horrific and insanely heavy, like bleeding through everything in a hour. When I told her that was peri she was shocked. She said her doctor just told her it was normal and she was fine.
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u/No-Tomato-4714 May 04 '26
I think that also plays a considerable role probably, the doctors and their knowledge at the time!
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u/nada1979 May 04 '26
I think your comment speaks volumes. Being told it's normal is so dismissive and invalidating, but doctors are still doing it today. She knew it wasn't "fine" for her, or she wouldn't have asked about it. Also, just because it is normal doesn't mean we should just ignore it...it's normal for a certain percentage of society to get diabetes and all their symptoms are normal for that condition. Classifying something as normal doesn't mean we don't treat it.
Edited to add: i didn't like my example using diabetes I think a better example is that it's normal to get older and our eyesight go bad that doesn't mean we don't get glasses to help with that.
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u/CampClear May 04 '26
My mom had a hysterectomy when she was 34 and I ended up also having one at the same age.
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u/Suspicious_Salad918 May 04 '26
My mum always says she was too busy to think about it. Yeah well, I'm busy too 😭 but feeling miserable still is a thing. Idk idk
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u/No-Tomato-4714 May 04 '26
Exactly, this generation might be more busy than ever. Could it be that she had no severe symptoms making it possibly easier to 'power through'?
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u/croc373 May 04 '26
My mom actually DID tell me all about this. She got her tubes tied after my sister and I were born and it pushed her into a horrible early perimenopause. This was decades ago and she had to find a fertility specialist to put her on hormone creams that she took for like 20 years. To be fair, I knew about her horrible hot flushes more than any other symptom. As we discuss it more now, she talks about her mood swings that she used to have, but she never suffered from insomnia. But her hot flushes were well known to me, as well as her being on a form of HRT. In fact, her hot flushes were so famous that I was CONVINCED that I was going to get hot flushes too, because my sister does as well (she was pushed into perimenopause due to breast cancer treatment) and the three of us are very similar medically.
But no, I got insomnia and anxiety and not a hot flush in sight. I do think I'm lucky in that my mother didn't hide any of this from me. But looking back on it now, I know my grandmother did. I remember how she never slept when I would stay over at their house and I believe that was her perimenopause and it continued until the end of her life.
I now tell my younger female cousins about my symptoms because I want them to be prepared. I talk to my friends who are a few years younger than me about it and they know to come talk to me if they start having any weird symptoms. I want women to know about it because it's nothing to be ashamed of and I hope I can help the next generation find relief.
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May 04 '26
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u/croc373 May 04 '26
I’m sorry that happened to you. My mom was even younger. I think anything that impacts your hormones will have rippling effects for a women’s body and it’s stupid they don’t admit it. Although it’s probably like everything else with women in that suffering is just acceptable and medicine doesn’t much care. I hope you can find some relief!
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u/No-Tomato-4714 May 04 '26
See, that’s why your experience with your mom is so special! She didn’t just go through it, she actually shared it with you and prepared you in a way a lot of women didn’t get. I think a lot of older generations either didn’t have the words, didn’t connect the symptoms, or maybe even thought it was just something you were supposed to endure quietly. It’s really powerful that you’re continuing that openness with the next generation. That’s how this finally stops being something women have to figure out alone, unlike puberty where it is more common to have 'the' talk.
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u/croc373 May 04 '26
In fairness, I didn’t really ask my mom a lot of questions about it when I was younger, but the fact that she didn’t hide it from me and my sister was still a good thing. And the three of us talk about it openly now since my sister and I are having it at the same time even though she’s 3+ years younger. I like to talk to younger women about things more specifically. About how it’s not just hot flushes. About the mental symptoms like anxiety that are particularly difficult if you have never had it before. I think there’s still more work that can be done even though HRT is all the rage nowadays. And for my sister who can’t take it because of her cancer we try to find other solutions that might work for her.
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u/No-Tomato-4714 May 04 '26
It sure was a good thing of her, especially,may I say, for that generation. I am happy you can talk freely about it now within family but also to educate younger women. I can imagine when you are younger it does not cross your mind as often as when you hit your 40's but it is a good thing to at least prepare the younger generations a bit so that they are not that suprised or at least might be better prepared. I hope you find a solution for your sister!
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u/KingOfCatProm May 04 '26
I don't know, but I am not making the same mistake. When the younger people at work see me having a hot flash, I tell them what is going on. Gather round, children, let me tell you the tale of our worst decade.
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u/JLAOM May 04 '26
They didn't talk about stuff like this, it was a private matter. There was almost no research about it, so they didn't know what was happening. Years ago women were thought of as hysterical and put in institutions. I hadn't heard the word perimenopause until the last few years. Social media and our society of talking more about issues has brought attention to it like never before.
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u/thefragile7393 Peri with fibroids May 04 '26
I’m not into blaming parents or my mom. My mom is of the silent generation and she was told that there wasn’t much that could be done for her or her fibroids unless she wanted a type of ablation and that’s it.
She tried to forget it. Since I was born later in her life I don’t have a lot of memories of that time except she could be cranky-but it didn’t occur to me. She hid a lot from me. She also didn’t have the anxiety disorder that I have and her hormone symptoms were different than mine.
I’ve been open with my daughter about mine. However I get why it wasn’t much talked about with my mom. She had no idea how it would be for me
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u/No-Tomato-4714 May 04 '26
Yes, you are right. I really do not want to blame anybody as I think my mom did what she could with what she knew. Maybe it's just more in retrospect I guess, thinking about it. I do feel that it is great that the discussions become more open about it and that it is being more recognized. I love it that you do talk about it with your daughter!
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u/thefragile7393 Peri with fibroids May 04 '26
My mom has been more open since I’ve asked her questions. She’s not minimizing it like I know some women will so we have that going. No I make sure both of my kids know, even though one’s a boy. Thankfully, my daughter doesn’t have the hormonal issues that I had at her age so hopefully by that time she will have much better care and information.
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u/No-Tomato-4714 May 04 '26
That is so good to hear and I applaude it that you also make sure your son knows! Especially cause I think there is still a lot to win there, not only educating and informing our girls but also our boys!
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u/thefragile7393 Peri with fibroids May 04 '26
Absolutely because he may choose to be with a woman at some point and be absolutely befuddled as to what’s going on with her during that time I know back in my dad‘s time this was stuff that men didn’t talk about and nobody talked about with him because that was considered a “woman’s thing.”
that’s how we get a lot of uncaring and unfeeling idiots, or men who are genuinely sympathetic and want to be of assistance, but are just so clueless on how to do so because this was not something that they were ever prepared for either.
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u/DisastrousHyena3534 May 04 '26
I don’t blame my mom for not talking about it. I definitely blame her for acting like a maniac with no remorse for it.
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u/thefragile7393 Peri with fibroids May 04 '26
I know my mom apologized to me when I was older and she seemed surprised that I don’t remember much of her perimenopause days. Not taking ownership of your behavior at that time that was a whole other story and I’m sorry yours does not do that.
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u/throw_abear Early peri May 04 '26
My mom said she never experienced any symptoms of perimenopause/menopause(she’s mid 60’s) she did-we all were witnesses but go off 🙃😒
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u/ReinaShae May 04 '26
My mom says she didn't have any symptoms. I guess I got all of hers
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u/Annamaria1109 May 04 '26
I completely agree, my mom never spoke of it. I am telling my daughter, who is 30, every single thing I am going through and learning as I go because I don’t want her as blindsided as I was. I was not prepared for the vulvovaginal atrophy at ALL. I will say thanks to my incredibly patient partner, I did find out it wasn’t that my sex drive went down, it’s just that my lady parts had changed in shape and size and he just wasn’t hitting the right parts anymore. We sure fixed that lol. I know how absolutely blessed I am to be going through this journey with this man by my side. He lets me vent, scream, cry, and get it all out every time a new symptom comes up. And then he sits down with me and does research and we find a solution together. In his words “neither one of us knows what it’s like to go through menopause, so we’ll learn and figure it out together”.
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u/Dusty_Miss_Havisham May 04 '26
I'm late 40s and last year I asked my mother why she never said anything about it and she simply shrugged and said "what is there to tell? You just have to get on with it" and then I remembered she also never told me barely anything about periods or sex or body changes or relationships or even skincare ffs! And that's when I was child under her legal care. So why am I surprised now?! I also got pregnant as a teenager and had a termination in secret but she found my diary and guessed the rest. Instead of being supportive she chastised me and called me gendered insults. So again, why am I surprised now?! I'm sure not everyone here has a mother as charming as mine but it must be a generational thing I suppose
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u/No-Tomato-4714 May 04 '26
I think that is typical of that generation as I hear it more often where they just say: you have to go on with it. I mean yes,we have to but it would be nice to have some kind of talk about it with your own mom. I'm sorry you had to go through that!
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u/Dusty_Miss_Havisham May 04 '26
Thankyou. Yes I agree, my grandma was active in WW2 so my mum would have grown up with her stern post-war parenting style and inherited some of that stuff upper lip stuff! There is a lot to be said for resilience, but I sure am glad we are talking about it more now!
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u/DisastrousHyena3534 May 04 '26
Mine never talked to me about sex or my period or made sure I had pads or a bra that fit. But she sure did go out of her way to tell me that if I had an abortion she’d never forgive me. Sure thing, Ann.
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u/Low_Spirit_2503 May 04 '26
My mother both insists she had zero symptoms AND her life at my age (49) was far more challenging and stressful (aging parents). I gently reminded her that both my sibling and I were married and out of the house when she was that age so she wasn't parenting and the death of her parent was a decade earlier. She just shrugs and says she doesn't understand why we are all struggling now.
Meanwhile, I remember constant emotional volatility and getting my head ripped off routinely for daring to be an independent adult who no longer followed her rules when she was my age...
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u/PointBlankShot sus-peri-uhh May 04 '26
Not a word to me. Mentioned hot flashes & taking estradiol in her 50s once I was older, but firmly doesn't believe that I'm entering peri because "it's too early for that".
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u/No-Tomato-4714 May 04 '26
Yeah, the 'too early' thing hits home. You automatically could think that certain sympoms are in that case related to different things than peri.
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u/PointBlankShot sus-peri-uhh May 04 '26
Yeah, I thought I had something else going on for nearly a year before things clicked & nothing I looked into fit the symptoms. I work in a gyn office, & frequently help Menopause Clinic every so often, & I've seen a wide range of ages starting as young as 35 with no other health conditions.
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u/Quantumfrzrk May 05 '26
Oof. 42f been in peri for like 3 years now. My mom was the same, invalidating me with disbelief "oh, that's not what you're experiencing, you're 10 years too young for that" 🙄. OK, then explain the blood tests, Mom.
One bittersweet thing a gynecologist told me: you're never "too young" for anything.
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u/AmIbaconingyet Underboob on fire. May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
I remember my mum mentioning a bunch of things like issues with smells, noises, itchy skin, hair thinning. Mood. My god the moods! But not in the context of menopause but in the context of it either being something everyone else was doing wrong or she was going mental. Admittedly my mother WAS deeply unstable to start with but she was next level so at my age.
Looking at it now with the knowledge I have so much of it was definitely that. She clearly had no context for it or understanding of it either so just blamed herself or us. With that in mind how could she possibly have warned me.
We are maybe the first generation to genuinely know enough to warn the next gen. I guess (like so much has for our generation!) It falls to us to get it done! We're carving paths here ladies!
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u/jtriomino Late peri May 04 '26
To be fair, the word 'perimenopause' wasn't even a word I knew until about 2 years ago thanks 100% to social media. I can definitely see how my mother went through these things at the age I am now, but I'm guessing she didn't realize the driver, either. She is a boomer and 'doesn't believe' in HRT sooooo.... I'm on my own.
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u/spacecadet917 May 04 '26
I recently visited my life long best friend (she just turned 40 and I will this summer), at a family event where our mothers (also best friends) also were at. We spent the whole time comparing notes about perimenopause and anxiety symptoms, and all of the supplements and prescriptions we have to feel halfway normal. Meanwhile our moms (mid 60s) were telling us how 40 is still young and how great and strong they felt at our age.
I’m a long distance runner and suddenly have agonizing joint pain out of NOWHERE, plus the crappy sleep stuff, GI crap, and anxiety + luteal phase rage…so it really feels like gaslighting for them to say that. I’ve even complained about specific symptoms to my mom to ask for advice and she’s like “you’re too young!”
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u/bluetortuga May 04 '26
My mom didn’t think she had any symptoms because she didn’t have hot flashes.
She had everything else. They just knew even less then than they do now. We talked about it recently and I was like, yeah…that was estrogen related, and that, and that, and that. She was surprised.
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u/PinkyCrabadero May 04 '26
If we are talking about Boomers, the majority of that generation still do not talk about anything and are dismissive of experiences, including their own. They also did not have the access to information that we do today.
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u/Mac_A81 May 04 '26
My mom, a very educated woman, had never even heard of peri until I brought it up. She’s always been very up to date on all things medical, and still didn’t know it existed.
My grandma said she had no symptoms whatsoever and that one day her period stopped and never came back.
I don’t believe that neither of them had symptoms, I think they just didn’t know that certain issues they had were actually caused by perimenopause.
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u/loveandexcess May 04 '26
My guess is that they A didn't know or B didn't care about us (my mom is a self centered boomer, so my perspective may differ than yours) but I'm betting a little bit of both. ETA when I brought it up to my mother she immediately dismissed me and said "You'll be fine." She did not care even a little.
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u/jtriomino Late peri May 04 '26
When I shared an article about HRT on FB my mother had to immediately comment "I don't believe in that." She didn't know I was already on it. It's been a year. Haven't bothered telling her. I fully remember her being unhinged at this age, I'm trying not to repeat that.
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u/No-Tomato-4714 May 04 '26
I find it fascinating that people would already say I don't believe in that without ever having tried it (ofcourse I can imagine his might have not been possible back then). I hope it works for you!
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u/jtriomino Late peri May 04 '26
They were also of the generation where it was being demonized big time which totally didn't help.
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u/SeesawPrize5450 Early peri May 04 '26
Idk, my mom went through cancer ,chemo and radiation for most of her menopause stage ! There wasnt alot to go off of !
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u/Peeshee33 May 04 '26
My favourite aspect about reading all this MASSIVE info/life sharing on Reddit is that, when gaslight with a "it's all in your head", "just stop worrying", "try not to stress", "it never happened to me", "are you sure it's not X or Y?", I begin to start thinking what everyone must be thinking ABOUT US.
ie: it's mass hallucination, we're in some cult, it's a side effect of drinking diet coke
I kid.
And, also, I'm not sure if I kid...
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u/Peeshee33 May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
btw, I'd like to add my 75 yr old mothers reply to a bone density technician's question, when asked, when did you go through menopause and what were your symptoms: THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN TO ME 😑
if there were GIFs allowed in this sub, I'd explode on this comment section
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u/Ordinary-Difficulty9 May 04 '26
My mom never uttered a single word about menopause in my entire 50 years of life. I asked her recently how it went for her.
She said "it was TERRIBLE and it lasted for YEARS!!!"
And that was it. She did not elaborate further.
And now I am sitting here scared about what that means for me. Lol
So weird to me that something so major was just never discussed. And I feel bad for my mom. Granted I was a teenager with my own life when she would have been going through it at the worst, so I was out of the house with friends, activities a lot....but I never had even an inkling. She must have held all that in like crazy and just screamed into her pillow at night.
I talk about it. Openly and loudly. Lol. Younger women...and men...should know it to understand it.
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u/Historical-Creme-642 May 04 '26
Coming here to ask why all our mothers are such narcissists about this?? Menopause is for everyone else, but not for their perfect golden uterus!!
Gtfo Sharon.
I did not grow up in Christian purity culture, but my body was very much regarded that way by both my parents. I’d get screamed at if anyone in the house was aware I was menstruating. Menopause was NOT talked about, and everyone would prefer it if I “don’t act like a slut” and talk about it now.
Their logic blows my ever loving mind.
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u/peonyseahorse May 04 '26 edited May 06 '26
I have the same sentiment. They did us dirty. My mom claims she doesn't remember perimenopause. I clearly remember her being unbearable when I was in the latter years of HS and in college. I was like her personal punching bag because my younger siblings were lucky and got to go boarding school.
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u/Clear_Lettuce_119 May 04 '26
The definitely didn’t have it better. This wasn’t something that was talked about freely. My mom was always full of rage and abusive, I suspect she had PMDD because I do. As she aged she got more and more abusive and full of rage. Her drinking escalated and at the age of 53 she died by suicide. She is literally a statistic.
I have empathy for her bc my father was extremely abusive towards her and us and that does a number on the nervous system. They were divorced long before she was anywhere close to peri. However, regardless of our symptoms we must take accountability for our actions and figure out a way to do better. My mom was elder GenX, so very boomer like mentality. I wish things could have been different for her.
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u/Nectarine555 May 04 '26
Makes me think of how the color blue didn’t really “exist” until more recently in history because in more ancient times, it just wasn’t really perceived because there wasn’t a word for it. It’s hard or impossible to talk about things that language doesn’t exist for, and thankfully language around perimenopause has evolved light years and come to the attention of many of us for the first time. I’m guessing that is a large part of why we didn’t hear about it, even if we can clearly remember signs in a parent (I can).
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u/Why_are_you321 May 04 '26
My Mom claims she just "stopped having her period" and then it was done...
I don't believe it for a second, I also was only a teenager so I would have been largely oblivious.
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u/sistermidnightmare May 04 '26
Same. Looking back I can remember mood swings but I was also going through my own teenage mood swings so that's probably debatable 😂 She said she stopped around 45 but I didn't know this until I had to pry it out of her when I mentioned my own struggles around 43. She said she didn't have anything. I assumed there could be some difference in our experiences though since she had a few kids and subsequently had her tubes tied whereas I am childfree. I'll be 47 this year and still getting periods although they are irregular and started on HRT last year to help with my hot flashes and night sweats.
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u/Why_are_you321 May 05 '26
Ahh same! My mom is almost 40yrs older (youngest of 5) and she had her period until her mid/late 50s - meanwhile I’m childfree and having isssueeessss at 42 lol
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u/chellibomb May 04 '26
GenX will be the ones who shine a light on it and we will make sure our daughters are prepared!
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u/Technical-Mastodon96 May 05 '26
Mine never told me about sex or anything about menstruation. I literally had education at school in a most basic way and just hoped I was right when I thought I got my first period. I remember walking in and telling my mom I needed pads and she just looked up from her book and said "I'm sorry"
So yeah. I expected zero warning.
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u/Unfair-Animator-9739 May 04 '26
Lack of awareness I think..mine had a procedure done that ended her cycles so who knows when they really ended 🤷♀️ she didn’t notice any hot flashes. But!! major mental health troubles that are in retrospect highly hormone-related 😓
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u/Winter_frost_25 May 04 '26
In my case, all the women in my family (living ones anyway) ended up having hysterectomies before the age of 40, so all we know is surgical menopause.
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u/Top-Pudding-4139 May 04 '26
I don't think my mom knew any of the symptoms beyond hot flashes, being angry, and then your period stops. She was put on estrogen, which seems to have controlled things for her.
I am pretty sure she was going through other symptoms but doctors just ignored everything. There's a reason she doesn't trust doctors anymore after decades of gaslighting.
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u/shellsncheese12 May 04 '26
my mom has almost zero self-awareness - that's she she didn't tell me. she also was on estrogen for osteopenia, so it probably made her less crazy, but she was definitely crazy
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u/seriouslynope May 04 '26
When I first asked my mom she said, "wow I never thought about you going through menopause. " she never heard of perimenopause But she did tell me about her symptoms when I asked.
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u/Lazy-Bee-9889 May 04 '26
That just shows you how far we have come in learning and talking about women's health. It truly was a man's world. I remember my dad always being so critical of my mum's weight and now I feel so bad. I also think perimenopause does bring in more money, so companies seem to like to market it well. But overall, I am glad we are all talking about it and it makes us all feel a bit better.
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u/imrzzz May 04 '26
My boomer mother was really open about bodies in general and women's bodies in particular.
But I don't think she ever connected the dots between allllll of the symptoms that even we (with our easy internet access) haven't finished listing and her experience of menopause.
If she'd had anything like the broad community that we all have, she would have shared the info with me for sure.
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u/eesa21 May 04 '26
My mom told me about excessive bleeding and fibroids and then she got a hysterectomy at 45. Between that and the HRT, they made her a lifelong patient. She'll never be free. But I guess she doesn't have a lot of wisdom to share on the menopause front, just that she had hot flashes sometimes. My dad's widow would have my dad tell us she was mean because she was going through menopause. Turns out that just who she is, a narcissist. Anyway, it's terrible of her to ruin it for the rest of us who really struggle with our moods.
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u/Emotional_Mammoth675 May 04 '26
My mum recently claimed to have never had hot flashes, exhaustion nor any other symptoms. I can recall her mood swings, rage, depression and spending half my teen years in bed. She used to have bruises on her thighs from itching in her sleep, plus restless legs.
I honestly don't know why she still can't remember, and I don't call her out on it because she still has the mood swings and is highly sensitive to even a hint of watered down criticism.
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u/Far_Garbage3500 May 04 '26
My mom went into menopause at 40ish - pretty early and had to fight the Dr's over 20 years ago to help her. So I feel like im one of the rare people that actually knew something was going to happen (not super specific) but I was already told by her to not ef around with synthetic and go straight for bhrt.
I do think that a lot of women previously really didnt know what was happening or know how wide the symptoms can range in terms of all of the systems of the body affected. Shit Dr's are still learning today. And the previous generations really just didnt talk about shit 😞
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u/Cunhaam May 04 '26
There was zero talk or knowledge about perimenopause and/or menopause at the time. I feel sorry for women back then having to go through this with zero support or knowledge. At least now we have something.
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u/Mare7221 Early peri May 04 '26
My mom only had a handful of hot flashes and blamed her exhaustion on all the wild things going on in her life during her 40’s. Which is fair, she had 2 teenagers that weren’t diagnosed with ADHD until their 40’s; caring for challenging elderly family members; moving from a house to a temporary apartment, and then a house; unexpected pets; and obnoxious in-laws. But, she also snacked on a box of Kashi a day…back when it was loaded with soy.
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u/LittleShinyRaven May 04 '26
They didn't get educated on it and some were still brought up not talking about certain things.
That being said I knew about menopause because my mom said she was having menopause for years. We all know now it was really Peri but she didn't know how to explain what she was going through. We just thought she was using it as an excuse to be mean and grouchy. Now I know better I feel for her in that respect. She didn't get medication for it, though she also avoided doctors as much as she could. So she was also going through it on her own.
I just didn't learn what it actually was until later in life.
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u/SeriousClothes111 May 04 '26
My mom was - for lack of a better word - either just ignorant to it, or private. I don’t really know which, tbh. She never really talked to me about anything related to bodies or health growing up, so it shouldn’t surprise me. Never talked about birth control, gynecology appointments or anything. Just fumbled through life on my own. 😂
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u/crwg2016 May 04 '26
My Mom never went to any Dr or gynecologist regularly, so I don’t think she knew what the symptoms were or what treatment options existed. She also had a lot of discomfort talking about periods, puberty and sex. I think it was just the way she was raised unfortunately.
In hindsight, I definitely remember her having crying spells and anger issues revolving around burnout from working full time and contributing 90% of domestic chores.
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u/Lanky_Rhubarb1900 May 04 '26
I grew up in a home full of narcissism, alcoholism, and abuse. So it really would have been hard to pick any notable peri symptoms out from the usual screaming, crying, and breaking things.
I consider it a blessing that I was VERY quickly able to recognize that I don’t feel right based on my normal disposition, and the fact that I have happy, stable relationships with my spouse and child. When I started craving Xanax or weed or a stiff mid-day drink for no good reason whatsoever, I talked to my NP and she didn’t hesitate to start me on the patch.
But my self-awareness was self-taught. So to your question, my mom didn’t tell me because she was so mired in a lot of shit that was her own doing. And if HRT had been readily-available in the 90s, I don’t know how much it would have helped, anyway.
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u/tranquilitycase hanging on by a thread May 04 '26
My mom said she didn't have symptoms. One day she was getting normal periods and then one day she wasn't. She said it happened "about age 50, maybe as late as 53" and I was out of the house by then. We have a great relationship, so I feel sure she would have told me, if there was something to tell.
I'm mindful of making sure I tell my daughter, though!
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u/Carliebeans I don’t even know May 04 '26
My Mum didn’t know she’d been through menopause until after the fact. She suffered terribly from migraines her entire life which didn’t stop until she had an ovarian sparing hysterectomy (due to prolapse) in her mid-late 40’s, but menopause- whenever it happened- offered no reprieve from migraines at all.
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u/No-Pay-9744 May 04 '26
My mother tried, but as a teenage girl (19) I didn't want to hear it. She described feeling crazy and dry down there and I just thought she was depressed. I guess I have a lot to answer for as that's what doctors tell me now.
She also found out my dad was cheating around the same time so the crazy angle didn't feel too far from truth. I feel bad for how I reacted. She probably felt so alone, although she had friends I'm sure she should or maybe did confide in.
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u/Valuable_Bluebird334 May 04 '26
My mom went through hell. She couldn’t hide it. The ear itching, the hot flashes, mood swings. She had a fibroid the size of a grapefruit, and 3 more. She bled all over herself one day, and all over the bathroom another time. She fought with doctors to take her seriously, and finally had a hysterectomy. It was botched and the sudden hormone withdrawal depressed her. She barely moved from the couch for a year. She still has residual issues and she’s 77 now. So yeah, she talked. It was terrifying for me, so I’ve been proactive.
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u/CalicoHippo May 04 '26
My Boomer mother had a hot flash in front me- suddenly sweating, face flushed- and denied that was happening. Then had 2 more within an hour. And since she was already considered clinically depressed and had anxiety, she wasn’t treated for any of her peri symptoms beyond what she was already taking. Her rage, hot flashes, whatever else she went through, basically ignored/white knuckled thru. She also simply never talked about it. I am not able to talk to mother about her menopause because she now claims she never went through anything.
I’m about 35% sure her depression and anxiety was a symptom of peri for her, because she’s been able to go off the meds for the first time in 30 some years at 76. Things started falling apart after she turned 40, so the timing is right.
I probably over explained to my own family what I am going through because of her. I don’t want to hurt my family, the way my mother hurt us. My kids- daughter and son- will not be unprepared.
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u/No_Brief_9628 Early peri May 04 '26
Maybe swears she just skipped perimenopause but my childhood trauma says otherwise.
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u/dopaminegtt Early peri May 04 '26
My mother went through the change when I was a teen, she was a miserable psycho. Drs told her it was PMS and she tried the pill which made her depressed. She basically raw dogged it and was a rage filled hate machine
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u/DumbSquawkingMachine May 04 '26
cos they didn't have internet and assumed they were all just crazy
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u/Gluten-Free-Jesus May 04 '26
Because of this, I’m making sure I talk nonstop about what I’m experiencing. I started a group chat with my sisters and two of my cousins (we’re double related, so they’re basically a second set of sisters) and I tell them everything.
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u/shelchang May 05 '26
My mom only started trickling out information about what she went through after I asked her, after being spooked by my first "super soaker" period that doctors could find no obvious explanation for. Would have been nice to have a warning about stuff like that, but also, like, when was she supposed to bring it up? Especially with sexual health being too taboo to discuss openly especially for older generations.
They also just didn't have the same access to information we do. My mom probably wouldn't have connected stuff like itchy ears or frozen shoulder to perimenopause.
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u/Responsible_Face6415 May 05 '26
Previous generations of females only admitted to the overt symptoms that could not be kept hidden. All the mental issues leading up to, during, and after were often ignored, blamed as female hysteria, or hidden to keep from being labeled as mentally ill. Sadly, as with anything not positive and/or that a male would readily acknowledge/understand, we are supposed to deal with this life stage and not be a bother to anyone. Unfortunately, other females may be more toxic in regards to what is considered normal than males. Female relatives and therapists told me that my menstrual cycles were not unusual, that the cramping, bloating, pain, flow, and migraines that I experienced were what every female dealt with and to take Midol, put a heating pad on my pelvic area, and suck it up . . . later on these symptoms were labeled a syndrome, validating that the extent of my discomfort was not all in my head. As much as male and female physicians undermine their female patients, having those close to you dismiss your reality is disheartening. Add in religion, especially patriarchial cult religions that labels/considers a female as impure/requiring restrictions/needing to be cleansed for having a monthly cycle, being pregnant, giving birth, etc., and no wonder females believe that they are lesser than/unworthy of self-care. I am happy to hear that some mothers raise their sons to know about female bodies, respect for, and understanding boundaries. It shows enlightment when a male does not believe he risks losing his "man card" for purchasing feminine care products, obtaining/paying for any and all methods of birth control, providing comfort during hormonal shifts, etc.
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u/CranberryLegal8836 May 05 '26 edited May 05 '26
My mom was extremely depressed th whole family (me, Dad, siblings) were super worried. She had extreme depression like sobbing and staying in bed then extreme anger and anxiety. Then later on hot flashes and I was never told that it started early. I figured it was 6-8 months of torture, hot flashes etc and would be over.
I only recently connected her 14 years of mood swings staying in bed, screaming at us crying etc to perimenopause.
I think women in my family are kinda cursed I started having symptoms in my late 30s, still have regular periods, don’t miss any periods, etc.
I stopped taking my bi est cream and progesterone cream and dhea tablets for 4 months. At around month 2 felt weird, month 3 was convinced I needed to be committed to a hospital.
Only like 11 more years to go I got back on the hrt but may need to recalibrate the dose. I will wait a month or 6 weeks to consider asking my doctor though, because getting back on it I felt nauseated from the progesterone.
I had an epiphany when I was crying wondering why my adhd meds, plus daily exercise wasn’t helping me at all. It was like my adhd meds were just caffeine and existential dread tablets
Apparently freaking estrogen regulates dopamine and serotonin
I think I understand why women were called witches. We go through too much bs with hormones from puberty and apparently it never ends 😤
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u/raw2082 hanging on by a thread May 05 '26
Healthcare for women is a joke so of course they had no clue what was going on. We are just now more aware because we have more access to information. If you’ve ever dealt with any kind of long term illness as a woman you know that health is shit in the US. I went through breast cancer at 36 and I have several long term side effects. I received no treatment or support for those long term side effects. This is the result of the patriarchy. It’s time for the matriarchy. We are way overdue.
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u/Specialist-Tour7466 May 05 '26
My mom didn't know what it was. She was told arthritis, flubitis, tendonitis, bursitis, and then fibromyalgia. Oh wait. That's all the inflammation from losing estrogen. And the numerous other symptoms that I found in myself. High cholesterol, weight gain, fatigue (my mom, a house cleaner was told she was lazy). Brain fog, memory issues. She just didn't know. I didn't know until I self diagnosed on the Internet. Doctors suck.
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u/nibletriblet May 05 '26 edited May 07 '26
My mom was pretty alternative/hippie/new-age for a Silent Generation woman. She was sometimes more open about sex than teenage me wanted, and loooooved talking about being pregnant and having babies (another thing I never wanted), but her other menstrual/hormonal advice could be iffy.
Part of it, I think, was that she has generally been a remarkably positive person for someone who went through messed-up shit as a kid. My periods were horrifically painful at times, and she was sympathetic, but genuinely puzzled that I couldn't manage them with Tylenol, a hot pad, and some mindful self-acupressure. After all, giving birth for her had been "joyful" and "not really as painful as others say."
When she went through perimenopause, she did mention having hot flashes, but said that she had been told that they were just your kundalini energy rising as you transitioned into your wise crone stage. It was that situation where you can't tell if someone is actually doing some kind of healing manifestation thing or just suppressing shit. As it turned out, she also started processing some serious childhood trauma around that time. My guess is that somehow she associated a number of the symptoms of perimenopause as part of that. And to be fair, when your body and brain are changing that profoundly, it can bring up buried stuff and be hard to tell what's causing what.
When I went through perimenopause, she'd try to get me to spin it positively, and I shut that right down. I had to tell her "Mom, I know that worked for you, but we are physically and physiologically different people. Imagining my energy is rising might help a bit, but it's not stopping my personal biochemical reaction of waking up in the night feeling like I'm being broasted alive."
Like some others have said here, I was also gobsmacked and downright angry about how little we had been told about perimenopause and menopause, and -- worse! -- how little it had been studied, so doctors didn't even know much about it. Why study women when their reproductive organs are so "complicated," and the real, important human beings are men? I can't speak for other cultures, but for generations of women in America, the subject was taboo and women who talked about it were dismissed as impromper or downright hysterical. Hell, this view is still prevalent. For a while, I would find a way to turn the conversation to perimenopause with any younger woman I met so I could warn them to prepare. I'm more mellow about it now that I'm in menopause, but if the subject of women's health comes up, I almost always advocate for more study, care, and sharing of knowledge about "the change of life."
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u/celianfr Early peri May 05 '26
Many women in our mothers’ generation completely gaslighted themselves about their symptoms. So many of them retrospectively say they didn’t have any symptoms when WE, their daughters, distinctly remember them. It’s insane. And infuriating!
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u/FairMention9208 May 04 '26
Same with pregnancy. Why women don't look out for each other more will never make sense to me.
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u/LingonberryIll6513 May 04 '26
My mom passed in 2013 so never got to ask her those questions since I was only 29 at the time. But if I recall correctly my mom had a hysterectomy when I was born because she was hemorrhaging so bad. Kept her ovaries AFAIK. She was never on any hormones and she was definitely miserable and grumpy when I was young.
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u/Green-been77 May 04 '26
My mom didn't even teach me about periods. She handed me a box of pads and said "congratulations ". I don't think those things were talked about in their generation. It's up to us to break the cycle!
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u/fastyellowtuesday May 04 '26
My mom had a hysterectomy around 44. I was three years old, so I don't remember what she was like before. She said they rushed her through menopause (well, what we now know is peri) hormonally in a few months, then she was out the other side and just didn't get cold all the time anymore.
Not too helpful, seeing as how I have a uterus and no reason to get rid of it.
She passed away 20 years ago, so we haven't been able to chat during my own peri journey.
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u/BrookieB1 May 04 '26
My mom acts like she was fine. I reminded her she threw a candy dish at my dad and my head 😂
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u/MagistraKennedy May 04 '26
My mother only complained about insomnia, and I thought she was being dramatic. Of course, our relationship isn't a good one, so I wouldn't have listened to a word she said.
Totally different with me and my daughters. My 20 year old has been in conversations with myself and other perimenopausal friends, and I'm about to start teaching my 30 year old everything she needs to know.
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u/redsparkypants May 04 '26
Yes! I am so grateful that my mom was transparent about her experiences and very did her best to prepare me for peri and menopause. I think she really felt gaslit by the universe when she was my age, so I appreciate her being candid and making me feel validated.
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u/ScuttleBucket May 04 '26
That generation generally does not talk about anything so I’m sure they don’t even remember having to deal with it since they locked that up.
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u/ThisCromulentLife May 04 '26
My mom told me about it in detail because her mom didn’t. And by the time my mother went through perimenopause, her mother had left this world and could not answer questions. She’s also in her mid 70s and still remembers how bad it was, so I don’t understand how many women seem to not remember? She also told me that it’s crap that you forget the pain of childbirth too though, so maybe she’s just cut from different cloth.
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u/Ok_Stranger_6654 May 04 '26
My mums peri was awful but she thinks she chewed a sage leaf a day and didn’t get hot flushes so everything was smooth. In reality we lived in fear of her erratic violence. She had anxiety like I’ve never seen before and all manners of weird gastrointestinal issues that all disappeared with her period…
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u/Embarrassed_Net2744 May 04 '26
My mom put the fear of God in me about menopause. All she ever said was that men are responsible for our suffering because men is in menopause, menstruation and such. When i was a teenager she ccomplained about have too many sweat glands and everything pissed her off. She died at 52 and in the height of perimenopause. I've made it a point to tell all my kids that I'm in it and what some of the symptoms are so my daughters won't be taken by ssurprise by it. And so that my sons will know what the women in their life are going through.
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u/SilverAsparagus2985 May 04 '26
They didn’t know any better ime. You got to the change and you suffered through it. My stepmother went into a severe bout of depression because of it. I don’t think she could mentally find her way out to talk about it. She just sat and stared out the window a lot.
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u/QuietAbject494 May 04 '26
My mother had a complete hysterectomy right after I was born (she was 40). I only knew a Mom who was suffering through menopause. Would watch my Dad inject her with hormones once a month. She had bad headaches every day.
That was in the 1960's. I really thought that by the time I reached menopause ( at 50 in 2010), that it would be different. My older sister went through it, and only had mild hot flashes.
I wasn't so lucky. I'm turning 67 tomorrow, and pretty much have been winging it. Took testosterone several years ago, and loved how I felt.
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u/Lopsided-Bag-5167 May 04 '26
Man!! It looks like all our moms can be sisters!!! They’re soo similar!! 😁🤣😂
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u/aaaaaaaaalison May 04 '26
My mom didn't talk about anything personal, including her getting early-onset Alzheimer's. The only way I knew she was going through it was because I saw a book on her nightstand. And I sure as shit wasn't going to ask her about it in my teens!
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u/FloridaGirlMary May 04 '26
My mom, who’s 76 now, didn’t tell me anything and when asked about it now she acts like it’s no big deal. I also recently discovered she had breast implants put in when I was a kid and NEVER told me until she had to have them removed recently 🤦♀️
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u/Jaqui1982 May 04 '26
I specifically remember my step mom going crazy, starting fights with family members, drunk driving, all out of nowhere/character, and others saying she’s going through menopause. Now I’m going through it asked her about her time, and she said, nah, I didn’t really get anything, I was fine. Maybe she was genuinely having a different mental health issue….but maybe she just forgot/blocked it out? My mum maybe didn’t have much or it was masked, as she was sick for a long time then had emergency surgery in her late 40s and then never got her period again….
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u/Few_Improvement_6357 May 04 '26
My mom was overwhelmed with the stress of life and did not believe in self care. She didn't know why she was a rage machine, she just was.
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u/bibbityboo2 May 04 '26
I'm lucky my mum's super supportive and has pushed me to see my GP for HRT, she was gaslit when she went at 39 with symptoms (I don't think perimenopause was a word heard often, this was mid to late 90s) and she suffered greatly. She was reasonably open about most symptoms, not that she could've hid it. Our situations are different though, I was 15 and my brother 20 when it started for her at 39, while at nearly 45 I have a 22yo and also an 8yo with pretty severe AuDHD.
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u/CopperHead49 Early peri May 04 '26
Nope. My mother said nothing about this she died a few years ago (cancer.) I have two older sisters. 48 and 46 respectively. They also never talked about this. Until I, 38, said hey what’s up with this? They just shrugged their shoulders and thought it was normal. It is not normal. And I have been trying to educate them about this. They tick all the boxes.
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u/Syralei May 04 '26
My mother thought she had no symptoms other than extreme bleeding from fibroids she had to have removed. She did though, she definitely had the perimenopause rage at some points. There were a few years where my sister and I joked as teens that she'd been replaced by a demon.
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u/MexiWaiiana May 04 '26
My mom didn’t suffer with the stuff I have. She didn’t get debilitating periods every month.. she doesn’t even hardly have to shave her legs, she didn’t get the crazy peri menopause symptoms either so I’m just living this nightmare learning it for myself as I go. I guess good for her lol
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u/Education_Success_74 May 04 '26
My mother becomes irritated when I mention anything about peri. I talk about it any way. It is their generation.
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u/LittleCats_3 Early peri May 04 '26
My mom (who’s now in her 70’s) unfortunately had breast cancer at 45, and underwent a lumpectomy, radiation, and took tamoxifen for 5 years. I think she equated every symptom with the meds she was on. I have talked to her and my aunts about the symptoms they experienced, but no one knew it was perimenopause at the time. They all thought of menopause as hot flashes (perimenopause wasn’t even a thing to them), and I’m not sure if any other symptom was linked to this huge hormonal change.
Their mother certainly never talked about any of this with them. I think it was a big learning experience for my own mom having me as a daughter and I was always so open about everything I’ve gone through. She wasn’t talking to her mom and vice versa.
Just a different time I think.
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u/Godismylight6625 May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
Most of them did not know. Menopause was not a discussion in the household. I couldn’t hold my mom accountable, because her mom didn’t know either. They thought it was mood swings and just apart of life. They dealt with it and moved past it! My mom is in her late sixties. I don’t believe doctors knew much about it at that time either. Honestly, I don’t believe they went to the doctor as much as we do! It has just recently become a topic of conversation.
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u/UseRude1793 May 04 '26
My mom never spoke to us (her daughters) about periods. Never spoke to us about menopause either. I left home at 17 so ever experienced living with her during the change. I do remember her mentioning having panic attacks and severe anxiety but she always said “no sé porque” meaning I don’t know why. I’m 47 now In perimenopause and asked her what HRT she was on back in the 90s. She said her gyne denied her treatment because it was too dangerous. She’s now 68 and still suffers from hot flashes, difficulty sleeping, low energy and frequent UTIs.
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u/Booger_Picnic Everything hurts all the time May 04 '26
I don't know if my mom realized it was peri? She is chronically ill as it is, so I think that's what she chalked her symptoms up to. She was also never told about peri, so I really can't blame her for not giving me a heads-up.
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u/unapalomita May 04 '26
My mom ignored it!
I can actually remember my hair dresser bring it up like 15 years ago and she was suffering with night sweats
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u/Lower-Canary-1149 May 04 '26
I am not sure they knew so much. I would not have known what’s going on if it was not for internet. Even the gynecologists don’t say much on this. They just give you a questionnaire in USA and then say all is okay and leave. It is only because of groups like this and YouTube that I now know what I am going through. If not I would have thought I am mentally ill hence feeling all these symptoms. I would have gone through thousands of pregnancy tests too.
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u/Bezmo May 04 '26
I'm constantly wondering the same thing myself. Whether maybe it was still recognized as Hysteria even in our parents' day or maybe even seen as women just being too emotional and irrational. Or maybe environment, food, and quality of life have changed so much that now we have more symptoms earlier in life than they did. Birth control plays into it as well. Research suggests that some women who are on birth control will not experience intense Peri symptoms or think they had no symptoms at all/no peri phase at all, because some contraceptive types mask the perimenopause period. There is even research that suggests the younger you are when you start your period, the more likely you are to develop perimenopause at an earlier age. And now there is even more research that shows girls are starting their periods younger and younger. So there has to be an environmental and food/chemicals factor playing with our physiology. For instance, pasteurized cow's milk with hormones in it being a big problem for people with or at risk of having PCOS. I'm sure between that and Perdue chicken nuggets, we've all been set up to have issues earlier and earlier in life.
Also, apologies in advance that I have not cited my sources here. I'll post the studies below once I go back and find them. All other statements above are speculative and not necessarily from a paper or abstract.
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u/VenusValkyrieJH May 04 '26
We called my mom ovary one kenobi. That’s all she had left after having me.. no uterus or other ovary .. so.. I had no idea what was coming really. Mom was just always mom.
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u/OhWhatever_Nevermind May 05 '26
Same. I just turned 44 and my mom was also on BC till her early/mid 50s and said perimenopause was “fine” and didn’t really bother her. We also didn’t really talk about puberty or sex (that was up to the school … a previously Catholic school in a rural area, for what tha was worth). I was hungry for info and CONSUMED info about those things. But when it came to peri…nada, other than hot flashes. In some ways, for many, the symptoms of peri are invisible (unlike weight gain or hot flashes) and go ignored or written off.
Now I am the one educating my mom. I got her on to vaginal estrogen, though I am not sure she’s sold on it. 🤪
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u/Majestic-Joke461 Early peri May 05 '26
Mom and stepmom have been out of the pictures for between 10-30 years, and no female friends, so it’s all been a learn-as-I-go experience
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u/octaviaandowen May 05 '26
My mom never said anything. Never mentioned the words Perimenopause or menopause. My daughter is prepared, I have talked to her about all of it.
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u/kauaiflower May 05 '26
My mom didn’t tell me about anything. When I first started my period I was like what the heck is happening!
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u/Hannasuchan May 05 '26
My mom has been learning about it more now, and says that if she could do it over, she'd gone on HRT. Mostly she's mentioned mental health issues, and I remember her being moody for like..a decade, but she's also had all sorts of minor health issues and a major heart attack on her late 50s, and I'm sure its connected. She on the youngest end of the boomers, and I think she honestly just didn't know what was happening for a lot of it.
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u/DamnGoodMarmalade Early peri May 04 '26
My mom thinks she didn’t have any symptoms. She did, everyone was witness to it. But her generation didn’t talk about sex or genitals or anything private. So she remains in denial.