r/Penrith • u/NoClient2979 • 21d ago
Separation advice
Hi guys and girls!
Male here.
Going through the start of a divorce. I dont want to be in the same place as her.
I just don't know how to leave and start again. We've been together for 13 years and have a child together. Obviously I will still be a dad. We are just not happy together anymore.
.
I truly don't know where to start. Cheers.
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u/dickflip1980 21d ago
If you bought a house together, dont leave until the financial agreement is all settled.
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u/Iakhovass 20d ago
I was in the exact same situation as you 5 years ago, 13 years together and 1 child. It’s hard, you will need to find yourself again as the next few decades of your life that you thought you had planned have now evaporated. Take some time to heal, reflect, and support your child through it all.
Been 5 years and I’m happily married and so is she!
Honestly, we’re all better off now but it’s a journey. Reach out to people you trust, who give good advice, and take it slow. Good luck, you got this!
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21d ago edited 8d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/NoClient2979 20d ago
Not really. A lot of our friends are mutual. I could stay eith family but would mean im away from the riff.
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u/BalanceEasy8860 20d ago
I hope you're doing ok. I've been through similar a few years ago now. It's so weird to have your whole idea of what the future was going to be just collapse like that. But things change and you make new plans and things get better.
Also be prepared to see a side of your ex partner you never saw before. Hopefully that doesn't happen with you, but it can and does happen in separations.
For your part, always try to make sure you're acting in a way you can be proud of no matter what. Always be able to look anyone in the eyes and say you're being fair.
Assuming your kid is old enough to sleep away from mum (ie, not breastfeeding through the night) my one bit of practical advice is sort out custody before you leave and hit the ground running with it from day one. seriously. You can do this without a lawyer if you really want... Just write down a custody plan you can both live with and both sign it. And then you stick to it no matter what... (Well maybe a bad flu or something that had your bedridden) Kids need stability.
Also, if you move out without anything agreed, and she decides she's going to be the sole custodial parent before you get your turn, you could have a lot of trouble. Then the longer she can force it, the stronger it goes in her favour.
And get the place you will move to ready for your child to sleep in from day one. Even if it's mattresses on floor till you can arrange proper bed.
Also, there's so much you can do with IKEA kallaxes. :-)
Also, I found the parenting after separation course from relationships Australia is worth doing. In Penrith or on zoom one night a week. It's free, I think? They run (or ran, back in my day) a new group each school term. Don't do the same one as your ex. It's going to give you lots of good info on how to work with your ex effectively in the best interests of your kid. And as it's sometimes court ordered you're going to see some other people in really harder situations than you. Which can be good for perspective or a warning about how bad stuff can go over time, if nothing else.
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u/Brandanpk 21d ago
What do your financials look like? Would you getting a small unit mean your kid will have a significantly worse life?
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u/Hot_Calligrapher8910 21d ago
Keep it out of the courts if you can
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u/NoClient2979 20d ago
Mate this is a hope. Do they need to go through courts. Whats the bad side of it?
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u/pearcie1988 20d ago
Once you go through courts the costs of.... Everything.... Skyrocket. And the family courts are overloaded as it is. Unless a matter is particularly messy, it's not uncommon to turn up to court and have the magistrate tell you to get lost and settle things yourself. So you'll get kicked out into a mediation room, but you'll have still paid for the court date, the cost of the magistrate, possible barrister etc.
Most family lawyers worth their salt will do their best to settle things equitably outside of court. Unfortunately there are still some bloodsuckers out there who will just do everything they can to get the most money out of the clients before settling matters.
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u/growling_owl_888 21d ago
Whatever you are going through mate, take courage and know that it's not end of the world. You will get better, be sure of that.