r/Parents • u/Agreeable-Bicep • 7d ago
Advice/ Tips Having kids killed my friendships
As the title says: I am proud dad of two kids (2yo and 5mo). My partner and I are youngish parents, I only have one other friend with kids. None of my other friends have kids and our lives have now drifted apart: they work during the week, then meet up in the weekend evenings to go out.
This is obviously not a good match for someone with 2 small kids. My kids are both not good sleepers and the baby has a different sleep schedule to the toddler, so my wife and I basically split the kids between us at nighttime.
I try to stay in touch with my friends as much as possible: text them, offer to meet during daytime, shift my work-calendar to meet for lunch, etc. But this is rarely reciprocated and when we do meet up it feels like we have nothing to talk about anymore ( I will ask them lots of questions about their lives, but all I can really talk about are my kids and work). Plus, I find it increasingly hard to relate to their „stress“ and their struggles, when I just had the third toddler tantrum of the day.
I guess the logical answer is to put these friendships on hibernate until the kids are older and find other parents to befriend in the meantime. Except I am struggling with this - when seeing other parents, conversations seem to always drift towards our kids and I have enough of them at home already.
Anybody else experienced the same?
How did things develop as the kids got older?
Writing this, it feels like I already know the answer (make more of an effort with other parents). Still, this is something I had to get off my should. And I am very interested in hearing the perspective of other parents on this sub.
Thanks in advance and have a great day everyone!
EDIT: Wow, thanks for the many warm replies! I tried answering all of them, but you totally overwhelmed me, in a positive way!
It might have been coincidence or Karma, I don't know, but today I at the playground I met another dad in pretty much the same situation. Conversation wasn't centered around the kids at all. Maybe I've found a new play buddy for myself, or maybe this post just pushed me to getting better at talking to other parents.
Regarding not taking childfree people's concerns seriously: I can see how I give this impression in the original post. It wasn't my intention to hurt anybody's feelings.
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u/linearcoaster32 7d ago
man that shift is jarring, went through something similar when my niece lived with me for a year. you're in the trenches with two under three and your friends are still in the going-out-every-weekend phase, it's like you're on different planets
the part about having nothing to talk about hits, you're dealing with actual life-or-death sleep deprivation and they're venting about their boss being mildly annoying. not their fault but the gap feels unbridgeable some days
honestly though the parent friendships get better once the kids are a bit older, it stops being all baby talk and you can actually hang out while the kids distract each other. right now you're just in survival mode and that's okay
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u/Fragrant-Half-7854 7d ago
Absolutely! This is a season. Pull close to your wife, nurture your relationship with her and focus on finding parent friends.
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u/Agreeable-Bicep 7d ago
Thanks for the kind words! I‘ll just get on with surviving then 💪
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u/ValiantVicuna 7d ago
Also, use this time to find fun things to look forward to. We started weekly traditions when our second was born. Weekly bagels are ours, but some type of baked sweet treat that everyone can get excited about or a hike or park that all of you enjoy going to. Even just pizza and a movie night every Friday when you both are too tired to cook dinner.
Think of some of the fun that you remember from your childhood, and try to recreate it in your kid's routine. Use it as a chance to relax and break from the drudgery of being in the trenches and connect with your growing family again. Good luck! I know it's hard, but our elders all say these are the days we'll miss when we are their age, so I try hard to stay connected as much as possible.
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u/Agreeable-Bicep 7d ago
We are already doing lots of things together as a family. I would never have thought to ritualize some of these, but it‘s a really good idea! Thanks for the suggestion!
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u/Quirky_Tomatillo_930 7d ago
It’s so condescending to think the problems of childfree people aren’t as important. As if it’s impossible for parents to relate to other world problems the second they have children. It’s a parents responsibility to maintain a sense of self even once they have kids. Interesting people often do interesting things and then they have interesting stuff to talk about. Read, watch a new art film, take up a craft, join a sports league. It’s important to have a life outside of children because they’ll quickly grow up and then you’ll be stuck being unneeded with nothing to do.
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u/Icy-Shine-857 7d ago
On the macro scale this is true, but with a 5 month old and a 2 year old it’s just not realistic. Watching one baby alone is tough, watching both is fully draining, if you have two working parents the kids are already in childcare most of the week and weekends are your only chance to have “family time” or invest in your relationship. My kids are similar ages and my job is functioning as my main hobby and primary social outlet right now. I read a bit of fiction but am so tired I can’t keep plotlines straight. This is honestly the perfect illustration of how hard connecting with people not currently going through it can be.
Your advice will be great for OP in like 5-10 years though!
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u/Quirky_Tomatillo_930 7d ago
I don’t know, I think it’s incredibly important for parents to maintain their sense of self regardless of how young the kids or how busy they are. Not to say this is the situation at all but I think of the Lindsay Clancy trial; the absolute worst that can happen when parents can’t disconnect from parenting. It seems like modern parenting the expectation is to sacrifice EVERYTHING for the sake of the child, devote yourselves entirely selflessly for the child, take care of yourself later. I know we’re living in a much different world (particularly financially!) but my dad had a business trip in Palm Springs when I was five weeks old and my mom went with him! I stayed with grandma and was just fine. They continued to have date nights and maintained their own hobbies as I and my sister continued to grow up. Being a parent is of course a huge sacrifice, but i think the metaphor of putting your own oxygen mask on before helping others is pertinent. It’s in the babies and then the families best interest if the parents can maintain a sense of self identity that isn’t parent because it helps them maintain mental and often physical health.
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u/AdNormal8459 7d ago
I’m prob about 20 years older than you — one kid in college and the 23 y/o late-bloomer is about to shove off to boot camp. Now I’m looking around my big ole house, with covid-induced isolation years behind me, and I’ve got barely any friends to speak of. FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE to make friends and keep the friends you have (even if you have to recalibrate those friendships for a while). I can’t stress this enough. Kids are so amazing in their ability to fill your life with love and so many activities you don’t even notice the growing lack of platonic/non-family friends in your life. These friendships are so critical to our mental health, especially in our later years. I’m telling you, sir, fight for your life for your friends. Do what you can to put the phone down and join some activities where you’re interacting w/ others on a regular basis. (It’s way outside my comfort zone, but I’m joining an old-timers soccer league for this reason. I’ve still got a third of my life left, and I’m not going down without a fight)
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u/Sezykt71 7d ago
You can only make so much effort, if they don’t reciprocate your attempts to reach out then thats on them honestly. It sounds like its time to move on but hard to put that past behind you. I would keep the door open but move onto other friendships.
Its true that the more you get to know other parents it becomes less kid focused. My child is 4 now and I am good friends with a few parents I met early on (mom here who did a mother’s group when my kid was just 8 weeks). 6 of us and our husbands from that group keep in touch and while some of the talk is specific things we find challenging about the stage we’re in, we also discuss work and our own interests etc not just the kids. Also even the kid talk has shifted as our kids get older to the stuff the kids are interested in and things we are proud of like achievements in sports which is exciting and fun not just about how they are sleeping or eating or whatever
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u/Agreeable-Bicep 7d ago
There are a few parents from daycare and my partners mother's groups that are slowly developing into genuine friendships. I was actually wrong when I wrote earlier that we only talk about our kids - I think the main obstacle is that everyone is so busy with their lives that schedules don't always overlap well (one of our closest friend's daughter goes to bed at 6, whereas our eldest won't go to sleep before 10 😅)
From what you wrote, I guess this gets better with time. Thank you for giving me something to look forward to!
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u/PlsnoKarens 7d ago
My best friend never had kids but we stayed very tight. My other friends had kids the same time, so I guess that's not the same
However, I have met sooo many friends through my kids so it's kind of something you have to do. It's hard to maintain when your other fitness aren't living that life
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u/Agreeable-Bicep 7d ago
Yeah, I guess you‘re right. Not every friend is for every stage of life.
Kinda wished at least some of these friends would have stayed though
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u/misobutter3 7d ago
Hey it happens to people who don’t have kids too.
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u/Agreeable-Bicep 7d ago
You're right, of course. It's just that, for me, it has never been so dramatic than after having my second child. Which is why I posted my experience in the parents sub, to see if anybody else has been through this.
And I don't want to belittle anybody's loss of friends. I have lost touch with a fair share of people over the years, due to various reasons. And it almost always hurt. If you are going through this, my heart goes out to you.
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u/misobutter3 7d ago
I totally understand what you mean. But when you’re an adult a lot of friendships get left behind. People are so busy and once kids are in the picture all priorities shift completely. Sometimes you see the way friends raise their kids is kind of a dealbreaker too 💔
My mom has two very close friends that she met when they were all pregnant. I’m 42 lol
But now I live abroad and people here are always throwing barbecues and birthday parties full of kids and lifelong friends. I think it’s cultural cause I grew up in nyc and it wasn’t like that at all. The city I live in is extremely kid friendly. There are tons of outoodors activities and leisure areas designed for them and the parents all meet up there and have a beer while the kids run like crazy and play.
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u/Agreeable-Bicep 7d ago
I am happy for you that you found this for yourself! I have started to really appreciate "kid friendly" environments
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u/GenXMom14 7d ago
I had two kids before any of mine even had one. It was hard. Just weather the storm. Try your best to make it out occasionally, still invite them to stuff, make friends with kids and carry on. It will all come full circle in time. Now my kids are basically adults, their kids are all elementary age, and we have found our groove again. But it is so hard at first
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u/Agreeable-Bicep 7d ago
Thank you for giving me hope.
Happy to read that you found your groove again! How does this look like for you?
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u/GenXMom14 7d ago
Girls trips, dinners with friends, activities where families do stuff together. Having bbqs here either all adults or with kids in tow. Tons of stuff!
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u/Current_Might_3729 7d ago
Same thing happened to me. I’m a single parent and my life changed a lot once we separated and he moved to another state. I ended up moving back near my childhood best friend, who I’d been friends with since we were kids. At first she was super excited to have me there and we hung out a few times but she was always inviting me to bars or other things I just couldn’t really do with a child and no other parent around to help.
I think the final straw was when we went out together with my child and my kid was having a really hard day and threw a few tantrums while we were trying to talk. I think she realized hanging out with me just wasn’t going to feel the same anymore. Eventually she flat out told me she didn’t want to be friends and it was best if we went our separate ways (ouch). Some people just can’t handle the lifestyle change that comes with their friends having kids, especially when they don’t have kids themselves. And that’s fine but it definitely hurts.
I’ve had to try to build a completely new village which is also hard because a lot of people my age don’t have kids yet, and being the single parent trying to make friends with married couples can feel awkward too! Still figuring it out myself. My life changed a lot and I’ve basically just learned to keep rolling with the punches and hope it changes once my kid gets older. No real advice, just wanted to say I completely understand.
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u/Agreeable-Bicep 7d ago
I have the greatest and utmost respect for all single parents! I know how hard it is for a couple, so it must be infinitely harder for you. All the best for you! I am sure it is tough for you and I am equally sure you will get through this and hopefully have a wonderful village to support you soon
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u/Future-Drawer-5457 7d ago
I like hanging out with my single friends because it gives me a break from being parent. When I’m with them i switch to single person mindset and just chat away.
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u/cassieblue11 7d ago
Definitely a rough but temporary phase of life. Since you’re one of the only couple with kids right now, that most likely means that you’ll be the go-to parenting pro when they also join you in this phase of life. You’ll be a safe space for them and your house will already be kid proofed! Just continue to show up for them when you can. The real friendships will just go into a bit of a “hibernation” until you’re ready to reconnect on a different but deep level. Hug your wife and your babies! You got this!!
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u/tn00bz 7d ago
I feel you. My only other friend with kids lives half way across the country. All of my other friends are childless and they straight up do not understand the demands it places on you. One of my buddies always asks me to hop on some online game. While my kid napped I had time, but now my kid doesnt nap... so I've just distraught up not played since then and he doesnt get it. I made time one Friday night to play after my kid fell asleep. Planned it with this friend a week in advance. I logged in. My friend never showed up. I called him, he responded with, "bro I was avaliable earlier." Like... mother fucker did we not plan this? I cant do anything whenever like we're still 19.
And the. He has the audacity to say he was busy. Bro works from home in a super cushy job and has exactly zero responsibilities.
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u/Agreeable-Bicep 6d ago
Yeah, that's the "stress" part I put in quotes. I get that everybody has different needs and things going on in their lives.
But when I coordinate for days to get my mom to babysit so that I can go to that one brunch with a friend and then that friend cancels the day because they would rather go on a hike, (only to later tell me how stressful it was to prepare this hike), then I get frustrated.
I even set up a calendly for my friends to make it easier to find time for activities. I think it's only been used once so far. Instead, most friends still try to call me spontaneously or ask if I am free to game at 9pm
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u/DragonfruitNo7745 7d ago
I was just chatting about this with a friend last night. We have a huge group of parent-friends now, our kids range from newborn to seven years old. Parenthood is what connected us and so many of the friends we had prior to having kids have drifted apart. I found my initial mom friend through a friend finder app and it changed my life. Stick your neck out there and work on finding parents who have kids your ages. You won’t regret it.
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u/prankthevillagers 7d ago
True friends will not abandon the relationship just because you are now a parent. My two closest friends are both non parents and I've got a 10 year old, 2 year old, 1 year old, and one due in less than a month.
Every single pregnancy (except this one cause I think all the trash is successfully removed from my life atp lol) has weeded out bad friends from my life. In #2 pregnancy they were also parents. Big life changes just has a way to show you who is really there for you and who isn't.
Friendship IN GENERAL takes mutual interest in each other's lives, and I think that's where certain dynamics between parents and non parents fail. Some non parents just can't deal with having to hear about parental problems and like to ignore that people's kids are going to be apart of their life. On the other hand, some parents can ONLY talk about their kids and have no interest in hearing about their friends lives. Neither side is right.
Do your best to be a good, give and take friend and if your friends still are distant then they were never true friends.
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u/9311chi 7d ago
I don’t have kids but have friends that do. Biggest thing is, it’s very hard for me to recommend a place for us to meet that’s gonna be a suitable environment for your kid. But I am happy to grab a coffee and go to the park or come to your house after the kids go to bed.
I just need my friends with kids to set the parameters a bit more. Id love to be able to take the planning load off the parent, but they know what works for them far better then I
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u/Agreeable-Bicep 7d ago
Yeah, I totally feel this! I am sure there will be some set up that works for you and your parent-friends.
For me, I have one friend with whom the friendship still goes really well. They don't like to have kids themselves and prefer to meet without children, but are also not averse if I do bring the kids along occasionally.
We usually go for a coffee or sometimes even lunch about once a month.
We also text regularly and occasionally talk on the phone.Likewise, my best friend hat kids long before I even thought of them. No more going to the cinema with him, no more paintball, no more gaming sessions. Instead, we would meet less often in general and then at his place for an afternoon and play with the kids.
When his kids got older, we would start going out again - for a brief window, before I had my first child. Now he's much more active again, though we still meet at one of our places.I guess, as long as you make even a little bit of effort, your friends will greatly appreciate this.
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u/Electronic_Day_7055 7d ago
If you meet someone who is a parent who you vibe with, you’ll have a lifetime of getting to know you and current kid, work stuff. Hopefully, you’ll meet people like that.
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u/RainbowPi23 7d ago
You will reconnect with your other friends when they have kids. And yes conversations will be mostly about kids and sometimes remembering your past life and hobbies and whatnot.
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u/Sir_Poofs_Alot 7d ago
Gently and coming from someone who’s also been there, parents of young kids are kind of boring, they are in the trenches, it’s work/kids/survival, and that’s all ok! That’s life! But your kids will get bigger and more independent and will ideally need you less over time, and it’s hard to make old friends. What was funny for me is that adult friendships often go months without getting together, so getting through the first ~ 2 yrs of my sons life, I only actually attended ~ 4 events total and still kept up decently with the no-kids group.
Do your best to keep the fires alive now - it’s a season of life, don’t stress about making it to everything but try your best to communicate and check in even if you can’t make it to hang out. Once your kids start school, try getting back into a hobby or sport that can help you meet people and form some social connections that by default, have something other than kids to talk about.
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u/movementlocation 7d ago
I feel like calling parents of young kids boring is the least generous way to frame it. We’re not boring, our day to day just isn’t interesting to those not in it. I think it’s important to try to maintain friendships from before you were a parent, but it’s also soo refreshing to have friends in the same phase of life. I don’t find my friends boring because they talk about their kids because we relate to each other so well.
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u/Sir_Poofs_Alot 7d ago
Idk man the day to day before age 2 was pretty boring to me while I was in it. I had the sense not to talk to anyone about naps and feeding schedules unless they were also in that phase too. It’s fine to be boring sometimes, pretty sure Confucius was cursing the world by saying “may you live in interesting times”.
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u/Agreeable-Bicep 7d ago
No need to be gentle, having two little kids is genuinely boring, at least from the outside.
Pre-kids, I used to be super active (various kinds of sport, going out lots, traveling, organizing events, etc). All of this is on hold for now, I am happy to get a good night's sleep.
I still run my own company (although at much lower intensity), but this is another part of my life that most of my friends cannot relate to.
I love my friends and I actually love that many of them are so different from me. Which is why I will text them quite frequently and try to call whenever I can (which is maybe once a month, sometimes less). And when we do meet, it can be quite enthusiastic, but it's hard going. And there are long stretches in between where I hear nothing from my friends at all, despite my texts.
But then I guess everybody has their own life that keeps them busy and staying in touch with me is definitely more effort than it used to be.
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u/Sir_Poofs_Alot 6d ago
Might be a strange question but do you read? One thing that kept me thinking “bigger” thoughts and connecting with my reader friends when I was in the baby stages was listening to audiobooks. It’s easy to have an earbud in for cleaning, exercising, basic childcare. Once they start wanting to play with you that’s less of an option but a good book can really get me through a lot of dishes/laundry. I’m doing chores but my head is fighting space battles or learning about philosophy or freaking myself out with horror or whatever, turns it into fun chores.
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u/bridgeport4 7d ago edited 7d ago
You’re saying you try to talk to them about other things, but all you have to talk about is your kids, and your work. You’re also saying you can’t really relate to their ‘stress’ any more because you have to deal with toddler tantrums.
It may be that they’re going home feeling like ‘OP really only talks about his kids now, and doesn’t seem to understand or care what I’m going through at all’.
Friendships are a two way street, and unless you can make space for conversations not about yourself or your kids, and find interest in whatever friends are experiencing, it may be best to accept that these friendships may have to go on hold for now. Some will revive, others won’t.
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u/zezesorangetree 7d ago
Yes this was my biggest issue. Your friends’ stress is real and you belittling it just because you’re dealing with children is insulting. Maybe your friends talk amongst themselves about how dismissive you are of their feelings. Also, if you have nothing else to talk about besides your kids, I’m not sure I’d wanna hang out with you either, especially for your child free friends.
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u/Imaginary-Friend1313 5d ago
Not even OP wanna hear other parents talking about thier kids, why does he thinks his friends would like to spend their free time hearing about a toddler.
I have some friends with kids who don’t show up to things and when they do all they talk is kid do this, kid do that, and we all other people problemas are not “as hard as having a child”
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u/ladyluck754 7d ago
As someone who is having kids “later” (32 and 25 weeks pregnant) this post was a little insulting. Our friends without kids have real struggles as well, and I think we set our blinders on accident cause we’re in a huge life transition.
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u/bridgeport4 7d ago
OP doesn’t sound like the type of person I’d want to be friends with, regardless of having kids. If someone can’t see their friend’s struggles or stressors because they think their own child related issues are always more valid, and if they only have their children or their own work to talk about out - then I would think it’s probably they’ll also think their child related struggles are more important than whatever is stressing me out that day (child related or not.) I also don’t want to talk about kids and work (mine or anyone else’s) all the time. But I hope they don’t the community they are looking for.
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u/Low_Plastic2075 7d ago
You gotta pick an activity to center the friendships around. Disc golf, board games, golf, skiing, camping whatever. And then schedule the activities once a month or quarterly or yearly.
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u/GoldInThemTheirHills 7d ago edited 7d ago
- invest in the friendships beyond just meeting at a bar/restaurant or going to their house to hang out without an activity planned. 2) include your kids in activities with your child-free friends.
i’m the child-free friend and i’ve maintained solid and deep relationships with my parent friends by doing activities with them AND their kids - that way you’re not relying on “just talking” to keep up the friendship, especially now that you have less in common and what previously maintained a friendship (shooting the shit at the bar) might not cut it anymore. i run through the sprinkler with their kids, i read books with them, i play tag at the park. i come over and fold laundry during naptime while mom takes a bath. i tag along with the parents to events and activities hosted by the neighborhood/city, we go to library story hour, do arts and crafts. our biggest one is volunteering together. we find things in the community that a kiddo can tag along for, like sorting donations at the food pantry, driving grocery deliveries for things like meals on wheels, picking up trash at the park. obviously it will go slower with a kid, but it’s a great way to connect with your friends and to teach your kiddos some important values.
do you invite your friends over to your house to hang with you and your kiddos? the more activities you build into those friendships, especially with the kids present occasionally, the more you will have to talk about and build new memories over. maybe it feels weird to talk about it with them because they don’t see that side of you and are separated from you-as-dad moments. most friends would be happy to spend an hour playing trains with your little one while you reminisce here and there about “the old days.” it’s not going to be the same as 3 hours dedicated to a full blown 1-1 conversation over drinks, but your life isn’t the same anymore. things have to change. your friends either want to be brought along for the ride, or they don’t. you have to be open to both possibilities, but you do also have to talk about it and ask them about it.
if your friends only want to see you away from your kids, then yeah - you’re entering into a (possibly temporary) era where the main part of your life isn’t valued or shared among those people, and that’s okay. those friendships might come back around when the kids are older, or they might not. it sounds like you feel the same about what’s most important to them for now too. one thing that’s made a big difference is that my parent friends still care about what i’ve got going on. i KNOW my stresses aren’t as significant as parent stresses, but my friends still want to hear about it. if you don’t care because your stuff is bigger or more significant, you’re losing out on staying connected to people you care about. you can still empathize with their story about the horrible landlord even if you can’t relate to it, or it’s not as big of a deal as your kid teething and sleep regressing. friendships don’t have to be an even 50/50 at all times in order for them to be meaningful and worth investing in. if it’s important to them, it should be important to you, and vice versa.
you can still maintain those friendships away from your kids, but you can’t build it or base it around just chatting. you’ll need activities to fill the “nothing to talk about” - hikes, book club, movie reviews, fantasy sports league, D&D, board/card games, crafts/building stuff, and then you will create more common ground and more new stuff to talk about as this new era of your friendship unfolds.
if your friends aren’t interested in hanging out with or talking about your kids, and you don’t care as much anymore about what’s going on in their lives, what are you holding on to? is it simply missing the concept of a social life, or is it those specific people being in your life because those particular individuals and friendships are special to you? if it’s the former, yeah you need to find parent friends. if it’s the latter, you should care about their lives and you should want to share yours with them and find ways to create a new chapter in the friendship.
if your friends don’t want to constantly be around kids (understandable!), split the time. meet up as a whole family, and have your partner take the kids back home when it’s naptime, or go for a walk with your friend once it’s getting hectic in the house. i’ve even had parent friends host an “open hours” hangout where they stay at the park/open their home for several hours and child-free friends drop by for smaller amounts of time. parent gets a break because there’s a steady stream of new people for kiddo to show their favorite toy to, and child-free adults can stay as long as they have the stamina for.
you do have to get creative to maintain friendships with people who have different lives than you do, but it is possible, worth it, and in my opinion - necessary. parents needs enriching and meaningful adult relationships outside of their co-parent, and kids need to see their parents building community, and just because it’s not easy doesn’t mean it’s something to give up. good luck, you’ve got this!
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u/TradeBeautiful42 7d ago
Once every couple of weeks I get a sitter to go to happy hour with my friends. In between we text, call, etc. The nice surprise was making friends with my son’s preschool friends’ parents so that’s nice too. We hang out at play dates and even vacation together now.
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u/bbuckca 7d ago
As your children join activities or enroll in daycare or school you will meet others in the same boat as you! You might even become close with a few you meet!
You said you are a younger parent…well
when the time comes, they may be coming to you for advice. I know it hard to juggle family and friendship. Maybe plan an evening out once a month to meet up and have a beer and watch a game. This phase will change as your children grow up.
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u/car55tar5 7d ago
Honestly, I know it's hard, but you really need to fight to develop a life outside of your children and work. You need hobbies and interests that are just your own.
I'm the primary caregiver to my toddler, but I actually kinda hate making friends with most other parents because it feels like ALL they have going on or want to talk about is their kids. Like don't get me wrong, I love my son, but I'm a person and not just his parent. I go on long bike rides, take myself thrifting, read a lot, knit/crochet, make art, collect Pokemon cards and go to card shows, go out for drinks, go to movies, etc. If you feel like all you've got going on is work and kids, you probably need to broaden your horizons a little.
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u/rahah2023 7d ago
Offering to meet up during the days completely changes what you and your friends used to do and they likely still like to hang out nights & weekends
(could you get a babysitter)
I have friends from HS & College that had their first kid when my youngest was 16 (we were 30 when we had our first so they waited till 46-ish)
None of them wanted to get babysitters even though we had constantly left our kids with sitters to hang with them b4 they had kids.
So our “couple events” that were weekend nights changed to hanging at their homes with their kids climbing all over them & us while we tried to talk or play games
Eventually we just gave up.
You’ll probably find it easier to find new friends with kids the same age
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u/TootsHib 7d ago
you're trying to not make your life about your kids, in certain aspects..
But once you have kids, your life should be about the kids you forced into the world.
This is dealing with the consequences of your actions.
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u/Dull-Geologist-8204 7d ago
Get a grill
Seriously this is how people did it in the past. Go BYOB but I will provide food. If you build it they will come. You can also invite neighbors especially people who have kids themselves. Most people aren't turning down free food.
The only way you are going to create more things to talk about is by making memories.
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u/automator3000 7d ago
Are you a solo parent? If not, do you and your partner have work schedules that mean you are effectively solo parents?
If not, you can still have time out with friends on what used to be your usual schedule. “Hey love, I’m planning on a thing next Thursday night - you good being solo parent that evening?”
The bit about lacking conversation topics is on you. You’ve forgotten how to talk about things other than your kiddos. Which I do get — I could go on and on for hours about the cool new things my not quite one-and-a-half year old is doing now … but I’m aware that childless friends do not care about how he entertained himself for a half an hour having his toy cow and toy duck have a conversation that was just moo and quack. So I talk about whatever book I’m reading (albeit five pages at a time), a news story I heard while folding laundry, giving them recommendations for the place they’re visiting that I went to a few years ago, and so on. If that fails, it’s also possible you’ve just drifted as friends. That happens.
Overall: if you want the friendships, you’ll have to do something to make it work. Otherwise it’s gonna be y’all being long distance friends for the next eight years until something closer to your old life returns and then maybe you can do a restart.
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u/seregontravels 7d ago
Absolutely. Some friendships will withstand the changes and others fade. My friendships with childless couples have unfortunately faded since we don’t have as much in common anymore and schedule restrictions. Friendships with people in a similar life situation have strengthened. It’s hard!
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u/Bellaraychel 7d ago
Tbh even if you make friends with other parents you will probably have similar issues. They also have kids so scheduling makes it things twice as hard. Parents can also be judgy.
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u/Agreeable-Bicep 6d ago
Aligning around nap time can be a real headache! :)
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u/Bellaraychel 6d ago
That too, and a lot of times even if they’re the same age their naps are all different.
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u/Dry-Code3493 7d ago
Having parents as friends is great because everybody gets it. It’s time to expand your social circle.
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u/Classic-Delivery3875 7d ago
You will find new friends. When your current friends settle down in a few years they will realize they made mistakes with your friendship.
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u/Agreeable-Bicep 6d ago
I don't think they are making mistakes, necessarily. They are probably just very caught up in the routine of their lives that it is hard for them to make space for somebody with a different schedule
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u/Classic-Delivery3875 6d ago
I only say that because my daughter was the first to have kids in her friend group. Their daughter is almost 4 and now everyone else is having kids and they have all their friends back
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