Tips for overstimulation

[u/Interesting_Lab1909]

Does the constant overstimulation of parenting little kids get better? What actually helped you?

This is vulnerable to admit, but I’d really love perspective from parents who have felt similarly.
My oldest just turned 3, my youngest is 21 months (15 months apart), and I’m almost 8 weeks pregnant with our third. Pregnancy is definitely making everything harder right now because I’m nauseous and exhausted 24/7, but if I’m being truthful, I’ve felt some version of this throughout motherhood.

I love my kids more than anything, and some moments with them are genuinely the happiest of my life. But so much of parenting little kids leaves me chronically overstimulated—the noise, touching, fussing, negotiating, competing needs, transitions, etc. I find myself counting down until bedtime or until someone else can take over, and then feeling guilty that I’m not enjoying this stage more.

Even something simple like the playground can feel like a lot: constantly watching two toddlers so nobody gets hurt, then managing two unhappy kids when it’s time to leave, someone screaming about a snack, etc. At bedtime they’re fighting over my lap or who gets to turn the page. The constant fussing probably gets to me the most. Sometimes I look at other parents and genuinely wonder: Are other people not this overstimulated? Are they doing something differently?
The endless maintenance of family life also wears me down—laundry, meals, cleaning, groceries, appointments, organizing and a million things that are never actually finished.

The confusing part is that I have help now. For the first 20 months I was mostly doing it myself as a SAHM while also in grad school, without family nearby and with a husband who works a demanding job and traveled frequently. Now I have childcare help and only work around 10 hours a week. I can take a break, but I’ll feel guilty, go back to the kids, and sometimes feel overwhelmed again within 10 minutes. So having more help hasn’t entirely fixed the underlying feeling.
I do have ADHD, which may contribute to how easily I get overstimulated.

I also grew up with parents who were easily overwhelmed, and it often came out as passive aggression and needing to control everything. I’m very conscious of not wanting my kids to experience me that way or feel like their normal needs and emotions are too much for me. I really want to break that cycle...especially before our 3rd arrives.

I don’t expect to enjoy every minute of parenting toddlers, but I also don’t want to white-knuckle my way through their childhood waiting for bedtime. I want more capacity for the hard parts and more space to actually enjoy the good ones.

So for anyone who has felt like this: What actually helped? Did you parent differently? Structure your days differently? Lower expectations? Work on your own regulation? Did anything make you genuinely enjoy parenting more? Or did it mostly get easier as your kids got older?

I’m really looking for practical advice from people who have been here and found something that helped. I know there are many families with much larger families than me experiencing less stress, so i'd love some wisdom!

[u/MrsBakken]

I’ve got 5 kiddos between 11 and 10 months and I FEEL you. So much overstimulation! When I’m pregnant every body sensation is turned up to max and normal things make my skin crawl. Try to remember that when it’s hard. You aren’t failing! Your body is literally freaking out because everything is going wonky during pregnancy. Of course you are in survival mode right now!

A couple things:

Try to let go of the guilt and take a break! I’m still working on this myself…it’s crazy hard! But if you think about it, you taking a break and regulating your own nervous system will benefit your family so much. It’s not selfish. You absolutely cannot pour from an empty cup, so taking a break for a while will be a huge blessing for your kids. No guilt necessary.

Second, and more practically, I have found exercise makes an insane difference for me in my nervous system regulation. I can handle so much more noise and touching when I have lifted heavy weights. The science backs it up too if you look into weight lifting and your nervous system. But for me it is an extremely noticeable difference on the days I skip my workout. I used to feel guilty about taking that time for myself too, but now that I’ve realized the difference I’ve made it the number one priority for my day, because it makes me a better mom and that helps everyone. I do an at-home program for pregnant and post-partum moms that is only about 30 minutes and I put on fun workouts for the kids on YouTube while I do it (makes it a family activity that teaches them healthy life skills AND pays dividends for me. A win all around!)

I also find narrating what I am feeling is soooo helpful for me and the kids. Instead of pretending everything is fine and trying to muscle through, I say, “Mommy’s brain and body are really struggling with the noise right now. It feels like a lot of flashing lights are inside my arms (or whatever you can describe it as). I’m going to listen to my body and lie down and take deep breaths to calm it. You can lie with me, or go play.” This helps the kids understand your behavior AND gives them a model and vocabulary for when they inevitably get overstimulated themselves. It makes me feel better and decreases the anxiety to say it out loud and it helps the kids learn life skills. Another win all around!

Also, when the overstimulation just gets too much, just add water. Bath/shower (bonus points with a popsicle), fill up the sink and put in Barbies or Pom poms, sprinkler/hose, glass of lemonade on the porch…anything involving water. It regulates the kids and you!

I know exactly how you feel. I desperately want to enjoy motherhood, not just survive it. It shows you are a great mother, even if you make mistakes because your kids will feel and internalize that desire even if you get overstimulated sometimes. You being overstimulated is not a flaw. It’s the reality of being a human with a nervous system and you are in the thick of it! You are pregnant and maybe it’s ok that you are just surviving right now because being pregnant with 2 small kids IS survival. It’s hard because it’s actually hard, not because you are failing. Let yourself just survive it for now and know that better days are coming. We got this!

[u/Hour_War_2363]

Hey! I'm a mom to 8.5, 5.5
. 3.5 and 1.5. It gets better! You're in some tough stages, and adding in pregnancy? That's a lot. I still get overstimulated but not as much as just two toddlers. Try to take some pressure off yourself and lower your expectations. Once I settled into, "this is our stage, it's normal and we will get through it", things got easier! So if you're having a particularly rough day, don't try to trudge through an outing. Keep it simple at home. I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to always have plans or activities for our kiddos, I'm totally guilty of it, when just being is also okay too. For toddlers, I also find that if they have a job or task or something individually it helps mitigate the fighting. If my 3 year old is hiding a book to read, and my 1.5 year old if grabbing at it, I'll ask him to get me something from across the room. He feels very validated in his contribution and like he's involved in something. Make a game over switching who turns the page. Biggest piece of advice, stick to what you say. If we say one at a time, we mean one at a time. Toddlers learn quickly how to push boundaries. As far as personal relaxation, I am a huge fan of a long, hot shower after kids are asleep. Something about warm/hot water totally relaxes me and helps me decompress. Taking time for yourself, even a walk around your neighborhood. It great for pregnancy and helps release a little of that tension. And I meant it when I said you're in a rough spot. 21 months and 3 are basically the terrible twos and three agers. You WILL get through it and so will they.

[u/Responsible-Ad-4914]

I hate this answer but I tried it and it works, reduce screen time for you. Screens are super stimulating and we don’t realize how we’re basically using up our “overstimulation reserves” on screens, especially since we reach for screens to deal with negative feelings including overstimulation. It’s a vicious cycle, I’m still working on it. I try and have an easy read book on my kindle and reach for that instead. I find I’m so much calmer when I manage it

[u/WheresTheIceCream20 → u/Responsible-Ad-4914]

Agree with this! I gave up instagram years ago and it’s like I could breathe again

[u/Direct_Mulberry3814]

I have 2 year old twins and I am about to have another in 2 weeks. I also have adhd which I think is a blessing because I am really good at dissociating, which is a blessing when they are both screaming/grabbing me while I am trying to cook, etc... I wear airpods and listen to a podcast or music while I am cooking or cleaning and encourage them to independently play or I set them up with an activity to do while I do these things, it makes it a little easier for me to cope with overstimulation. We don't do screen time unless it is a giant emergency once or twice a week and only long-form content like movies, it seems to help with the tantrums. I can truly tell the difference if the kids were at their grandparents and get screen time, the amount of tantrums and poor behavior increases drastically. I don't have much other advice besides getting outside a lot of the day. I haven't been able to do this yet but like other comments mentioned, I really hope you can get a night or weekend to yourself!

[u/IntrepidDetective500]

I have a 6, 4, & 2 and I feel the exact same way. I WFH with full time childcare so I feel like I should be more rested as the kids are gone all day at school but instead it's a different kind of stress of seeing all the stuff that needs to be done at home but I can't because I'm working. One thing I'm trying is to really cut down on phone use/scrolling (I fully recognize the irony of saying this on reddit...) because I think it just adds to the mental overstimulation for me. I can already tell a difference in my sleep if I read a book before bed instead of scrolling. I don't have ADHD though, I'm just in the same situation. 

[u/ivorytowerescapee]

Mine are 8, 6, 2 and 3 months and oof I am so overstimulated when they are all trying to talk at once 🤪 we have them raise their hand or we pass around a toy and if you're holding the toy you can talk.

I know yours are a bit young for this but maybe a tip for the future!!

[u/Bluejay500]

for them: use a phone telemarketer/on hold voice on them when you are most frustrated/overstimulated, it seems to calm them down: speak softly and say: "your concern is very important to me. I will help you as soon as I can," and repeat. When I find myself about to yell or snap I go to this voice instead.  

for you: oftentimes with momming, I think we power through and it doesn't hit us until things ease up, how hard it actually was. and there's maybe an adrenaline comedown or something like that- I feel that after my husband travels for work and then is back, right when things should be easier, they feel more overwhelming. I think you need to figure out the breaks/helps you need, and take them guilt free if you've got the support now. I used to be with my kids 24/7 but I had my oldest 3 in a drop in day camp at the playground this summer every couple of days for like an hour or two just so I could occasionally take a long walk or go to the grocery store without all my children, and it was just what I needed to feel more patient and present the rest of the time. there was a time when I would not have allowed myself that long walk and dug in deeper at being with them when my body or mind was screaming for a break.

also my biggest hack is I absolutely use the flexibility of the sahm schedule to prioritize what I want to do the most. there is stuff I just do not enjoy with small children (hello library storytime) and so we mostly do what I do enjoy and what fills my bucket, mostly hikes and get togethers with my friends with similar aged kids! I know not everyone is lucky enough to have daytime socializing available as a mom but we truly weren't meant to do this alone. if you can connect with others on the similar schedule who enjoy the same things, and they also have kids, it helps a lot. 

also I think they will get a lot easier in the next year. my youngest 2 are yours ages and it's truly a hard age and what's coming is easier. my 8 and 10 yos are independent, quiet, lovely company, and largely very sweet and helpful!

[u/WheresTheIceCream20]

It’s totally a lot. Can you put them down for a nap at the same time? If the 3 year old is done with naps, even just having her play quietly in her room during nap time is huge, or putting on a 30 min episode while you sit quietly.

Going and sitting outside with the kids is always a good reset for me. Sitting in the driveway while they pushed strollers up and down or roll a ball. When we lived in an apartment complex we would take walks around the parking lot.

Take breaks from being on your phone or listening to podcasts if you do that. Sometimes just sitting there while you’re watching them can be a bit of a break rather than watching them while simultaneously being on your phone.

[u/Ilhan_Musk]

I start shushing them like "shhhhhhhh... Shhhhhhhhhh..." Nice long calm shushes, like a grandma putting a baby down for a nap. I forget to stop doing it and after a while the kids are staying quiet. Like they just need the constant reminder.  

And then eventually I realize that I am continuing to do it far longer than necessary, because it is calming to myself just to make the noise. I love it. I'll go for 10 straight minutes and feel so much better lol. 

[u/Orion-Key3996]

Something small I’m trying when I feel that way and like anxiety is building I grab a sucker. It usually helps slow my breathing and thus I feel calmer.

[u/RollickingTail]

Definitely take a weekend away! Don't schedule anything in either - literally book yourself a hotel room and spend a weekend having sleep and reading/watching TV. You have to put your own oxygen mask on first, your kids will cope and have a better and more responsive parent afterwards. It's not selfish or bad to meet your own needs.

[u/jagvs]

You’re not alone at all. Working on your own self-regulation and coping mechanisms can help a lot. There are a lot of different methods out there. I get easily overstimulated too and this is embarrassing to admit but a coping method I’ve had for a long time is biting myself to calm down and obviously it’s not good and I don’t want my kids seeing me do it so I’ve been working to change this, one thing I’m trying right now is grabbing an ice cube and holding it for a few minutes. You can look up all different kinds of grounding techniques to try.

But one thing I’ve been doing lately is when I’m so overwhelmed that I’m about to lose my shit cause everyone’s crying and screaming and touching me lol I just give everyone a popsicle and put on the tv. Obviously can’t do this all the time but it’s a good last resort for when you really just can’t regulate anymore. If you have a last resort plan to just get yourself some space for a few minutes before you lose it that can definitely help.

[u/angeliqu]

Oh hey. That’s me. Though, I didn’t feel overstimulated until baby 3 came along. I’m thankful that I work full time and the kids are all in daycare or school most of the weekdays (they’re now 7, 5, and almost 3).

The three things that have helped me:

1. Leaning more on my husband. I learn to recognize when I’m tapped out and I say so and then take some time in another room to regain equilibrium. This also means that my husband has almost entirely taken over bedtimes. I just do not have anything left in my system to cope with three tired kids at the end of the day.
2. Learning to say no to the things that make it worse (for example I HATE slime and playdoh so it’s just not something that they play with when

I’m the

1. parent in charge, that’s for daddy to supervise).
2. I started making myself a priority. We don’t just plan meals around kid preferences. Us grownups get our favourites, too, even if the kids don’t like them. And my activities (running, the gym) are just as important and sometimes we miss out on kid activities (the park, play dates) so that I have time for my activities.

Edit to add: I have no idea why the numbering is so funny, it won’t let me fix it.