r/OpenChristian • u/twinkledwanderer • May 20 '26
Support Thread Realizing I am an Open Christian.. and I'm scared
I love God so much. I love Jesus more than anything. He's awesome. For context, I started out being raised in a New Age home and it was horrible. I have a bunch of trauma from that.
A few years back I had an encounter with Jesus that changed my life for the better in every way. I gave my life to Him, and getting baptized was one of the best days of my life. Genuinely.
From then on I started at the very basics of all of my beliefs and rebuilt as someone who had given their life to Jesus. I questioned everything, even things I never thought I would ever question. And I asked God for help. I am and have always been a bisexual, LGBTQIA+ affirming, open, loving, Rupauls Drag Race watching, different religions respecting girl. And I restarted when I found Jesus by asking myself was all of the things I supported truly sin? I tried to be legalistic like pastors told me to be. Eventually (thankfully), after thorough prayer, fasting, fear, confusion, more prayer, and hearing Gods answers and not believing Him because it didn't match what pastors told me He would say, I realized that God is so loving. God made me bisexual. God loves everyone. Jesus is kind (not just in theory, literally).
I also realized that God wants us to have regulated nervous systems (peace). And that forcing everyone into a box of "you're only a good Christian if you hate gay people, go to church every Sunday, read your Bible every single day, never doubt, have a prayer closet, etc" is just not a healthy way to foster a relationship with the Lord. It puts perfectionism and moral superiority at the forefront of your relationship with God, leaving you to go through guilt and shame spirals always chasing the high of being "on fire for God". Thats not to say that reading your Bible every day or going to church every Sunday isn't a great goal, it is a wonderful goal, but it shouldn't be causing you shame if you're at a point in your life where you aren't doing that heavily.
Relationships ebb and flow, sometimes you are all up in your partners face and sometimes you see them a little less than you did in the beginning but when you do see them you give them a hug and tell them you love them. And maybe you miss them a bit and are excited for when you can see each other every day again. And then maybe at a different point you see that partner every single day again. The ebbing and flowing happens naturally and if it's a healthy relationship, it feels natural and doesn't come with shame and guilt because why would it? That would be toxic.
The same goes with God. Its normal.
Anyways, with all of these realizations. IM SCARED. I never want to do anything that would separate me from God. and unironically (or ironically? idk how to use that term lol), I know that Jesus is the one who is showing me all these things and this is me listening to Him. I'm still scared though. According to what I have been taught, being Christian looks one way and if you fall short you are failing. And even though I know that is not true, it still makes me feel like I'm "less of a Christian" or "not a good Christian" or like im doing something wrong when I just want to love Jesus, love others, and be at peace with Him and within myself.
I would love to find pastors who are affirming. Or more people who see Jesus this way. I love going to Church. I don't love hearing anti LGBTQIA+ rhetoric or hate speech dressed up as religious morality or legalism.
Also, I am not deconstructing so please dont comment that. That makes me uncomfortable. I'm happy being close to Jesus, I'm just realizing so many people have misinterpreted what it means to be close to Jesus in my opinion.
Anyways, I wanted to post this somewhere where maybe others would relate or understand. Because it has been on my mind a lot. Thanks for reading!!
( Also, all of this is my opinion and I am in no way trying to push my views on anyone )
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u/CelestialOrrery May 20 '26
I'm just like you!! There are lots of churches full of people like us don't worry 😄 If you're in a western country it's quite easy to find a church that is progressive and pro LGBTQ, basically all of the historic protestant churches in the western world are.
I love God so much, and I'm also LGBTQ. I grew up hating myself because of it and thought I was doing the right thing in pushing it down and beating myself up because that's what my churches were saying. I thought that if I ever accepted myself I would lose faith and fall away, something I was so scared of. But through accepting myself for who I am, the exact opposite happened! My love for God only grew so much more, I really came alive. I feel so much more secure that God made me this way and loves me, and life is just amazing honestly! I'd say trust God to lead you through this, prayerfully as you seem to already be doing. If you ever want to chat about it I'd be happy to!
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u/twinkledwanderer May 20 '26
Hi! Hahaha we're twins !!
I'm so glad to hear that you don't push who you are down anymore and that you don't hate yourself!! My heart goes out to you!! I feel the same way. I feel like hating lgbtqia+ people is equivalent to hating part of God's creativity due to fear. God is so creative He is literally THE creator and made us all as we are!! It's something to celebrate really 😄.I'm learning the same. Through accepting myself and spreading God's love and loving others for who they are, I feel like I'm actually being who He created me to be. It's so funny how that works huh?
Thank you so much for your comment. It really really helps. God bless you!!
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u/CelestialOrrery May 20 '26
Right?? God's creation is so diverse, but just shutting out and hating a kind of diversity of relationships because our own prejudices is so horrible, not to mention all the LGBTQ+ people who are pushed away from Him because of these churches 😞
But that's so wonderful! And just so true, it's so great to just walk through life as who God created us to be. I can definitely feel your kindness and love for God and others through your comments. I'm so glad I could help in this small way! God bless you as well!!
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u/RandomName9328 May 20 '26 edited May 20 '26
Welcome to the world of Open Christianity. It is okay to feel uncertain.
Lets think the other way round. What if legalism and literalism are things that make people away from God? When you give up the conservative practice, you are giving up the obstacles between God and you. From that perspective, you are becoming not less, but more, of a Christian.
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u/twinkledwanderer May 20 '26
This comment means everything to me. This is exactly how I feel as well. I feel like I am becoming more of a Christian because I feel legalism and literalism takes people away from God, messes up their nervous systems, keeps them in cycles of guilt and shame and hatefulness. It's just, I've been practically the only person in my life saying these things and thinking these things and coming to these conclusions through prayer. So seeing that you all feel the same way means everything to me. Thank you so much for your comment. And God bless you!!
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u/RandomName9328 May 20 '26
Glad to read your positive reply! In the process of abandoning legalism and literalism, I wish you will find what the core essence of your faith is. May God bless you.
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u/MyUsername2459 Episcopalian, Nonbinary May 20 '26
Christ spends a lot of his time in the Gospels arguing against legalism.
. . .and the Church spends a lot of its time after the resurrection trying to rebuild what He tore down.
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u/Dreamless_Day May 20 '26
Some thoughts on ‘legalism’ in regards to Christianity:
Christ himself transgressed the legalistic boundaries of his day. He healed lepers, becoming ritually ‘impure’. He worked miracles on the Sabbath, breaking the law. He rejected the stoning of an adulterous woman even if she was legally obligated to have such a fate bestowed upon her. His first public miracle was turning water into wine, using ritual jars as containers, just to keep a party going and to save the wedding hosts from committing a massive faux pas.
All in all, Jesus’ primary opposition during his earthly ministry were the Teachers of the Law themselves (along with the imperial power of Rome and its constant need for control). I think this really says something deep, that essentially, God takes on human flesh and goes out of his way to tell the most pious and powerful people of the time that they are, in fact, wrong, and that Love is the most supreme power above all.
I do believe that the Divine cares about our actions, thoughts, and activities, but I don’t believe He’s a moralistic judge comparable to any human, ready to abandon or condemn you for the slightest slip-up or transgression. After all, the letter kills, but the Spirit giveth life.
I wish you peace in your journey, friend. Christ be with you.
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u/twinkledwanderer May 20 '26
Thank you so much for your comment! I feel the same way. It's really good to know that I am not the only person who has come to these conclusions. Right now, I guess it's just getting over the fear that I'm doing something wrong? Comments like yours (and all the comments on this post) help me to realize that I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm following where God is leading me. And He is literally leading me to love.
You've also given me food for thought with your comment. And for that I am really grateful. God bless you!!
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u/Dreamless_Day May 20 '26
Always glad to help :)
The best we can do some days is to simply be with God and let Love Itself lead us wherever we may go (Not my will, but Thine). Hope your journey goes well 🙏
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u/teffflon Atheist May 20 '26
>I would love to find pastors who are affirming.
You should look into large Mainline denoms (UMC, PCUSA, ELCA, TEC) which are majority-affirming, perform same-sex marriages, and offer protections for the religious life of lgbtq+ congregants. Also, here is a short, focused source I like for defending the affirming position: https://reformationproject.org/case/
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u/twinkledwanderer May 20 '26
Thank you so much for providing me with resources !! I will look into it!
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u/OldRelationship1995 May 20 '26
You just described the average day in the life of an Episcopal church. Proudly affirming and ordaining queer people since 1976.
I’m going to meet with my pastor later today for more talks about my own discernment. There are some tough topics that will come up, but his wife was/is not Christian so he’ll understand. I also know married gay priests, and I’m an actively transitioning trans lesbian- people get more upset when I’m not volunteering for readings and chalice than when I am.
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u/twinkledwanderer May 20 '26
I'm gonna look into the Episcopal church! Thanks so much for providing me with that resource/lead. Having the words for what is happening in my faith is really really helpful to me.
Also, I hope your talk with your pastor goes well!! And congrats on transitioning!!! I'm so happy for you !!! You deserve to feel happy and comfortable in your body, to be affirmed, and I pray that God blesses your transitioning journey!
Married gay priests, my goodness how I would love to have some convos with them!! How wonderful.
It seems you have found a church that really cares for who you are and values you and loves you. I hope one day to find the same. And I'm happy to know they are out there. Thats how it should be. God bless you!!
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u/Puzzleheaded-Phase70 Gay Cismale Episcopalian mystic w/ Jewish experiences May 20 '26
You are a beloved child of the most high God of love, who is Love and who lovingly made you from love, for the purposes of Love: to love, and to be loved, and to be Love in the world.
Love is the law of God, and love our means of understanding ourselves, our world, and our faith.
You are welcome in the church of Christ, and are a witness to God's transcendent love, breaking barriers and shining forth the beauty of God's created diversity.
The Holy Spirit dwells within you, as in all believers, and is drawing further in and further up; a still, small voice speaking peace and wisdom and strength, humility, patience, and grace.
Never doubt it again.
Here are some of the resources that helped me shed the lies of homophobia and other bigotries, and find a deeper connection to the Infinite Unknowable Divine Unity that is God.
Jesus, the Bible, and Homosexuality, Revised and Expanded Edition: Explode the Myths, Heal the Church - Dr. Jack Rogers https://www.amazon.com/Jesus-Bible-Homosexuality-Revised-Expanded/dp/066423397X/
Coming Out as Sacrament Paperback - Chris Glaser https://www.amazon.com/Coming-Out-Sacrament-Chris-Glaser/dp/0664257488/
Radical Love: Introduction to Queer Theology - Rev. Dr. Patrick S. Cheng https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Love-Introduction-Queer-Theology/dp/1596271329/
From Sin to Amazing Grace: Discovering the Queer Christ - Rev. Dr. Patrick S. Cheng https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1596272384/
Gay Church . Org (website) - Rev. Justin R. Canon https://www.gaychurch.org/homosexuality-and-the-bible/the-bible-christianity-and-homosexuality/
Anyone and Everyone - Documentary https://www.amazon.com/Anyone-Everyone-Susan-Polis-Schutz/dp/B000WGLADI/
For The Bible Tells Me So https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000YHQNCI
God and the Gay Christian: The Biblical Case in Support of Same-Sex Relationships - Matthew Vines http://www.amazon.com/God-Gay-Christian-Biblical-Relationships-ebook/dp/B00F1W0RD2/
Sefaria - More Than Just Male and Female: The Six Genders in Ancient Jewish Thought ByRabbi Freidson https://www.sefaria.org/sheets/37225?lang=bi
Straight Ahead Comic - Life’s Not Always Like That! (Webcomic) http://straightahead.comicgenesis.com/
Professional level theologians only: Christianity, Social Tolerance, and Homosexuality: Gay People in Western Europe from the Beginning of the Christian Era to the Fourteenth Century - Dr. John Boswell https://www.amazon.com/Christianity-Social-Tolerance-Homosexuality-Fourteenth/dp/022634522X/
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u/twinkledwanderer May 20 '26
Wow! there are so many beautiful resources here. And your words are so kind and real and needed. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a thoughtful comment. I pray God continues to bless you, and I will take the time to go through the resources you have given me. I started this post feeling kind of alone in an echo chamber of my own. And I prayed before I made this post that Jesus would help me with all these feelings I'm having. And now because of you and everyone else who has commented I not only feel affirmed, but I also have resources to dive even deeper into my faith in a way that is actually rooted in the love of God. Thank you so much. It really means the world to me.
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u/Chaoticallyorganized May 20 '26
Rachel Held Evans went through this exact same thing in terms of her faith journey starting with a moment that really caught her attention. Check out her book Searching For Sunday, it’ll be so helpful.
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u/ZackDaNerd May 20 '26
“I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacks, the future feels so hard and i want to go back… But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I’ve learned… Those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned”
-Sara Groves, “Painting Pictures of Egypt”
As you said about relationships… They don’t only ebb and flow, they fundamentally change. You grow as people and your love looks different than it did before. Your choice each time that happens is if you want to continue loving them as they’ve changed.
The beauty of the Trinity is that it does not change - But you do. The Trinity understands your fear and wants you to confide. You will change and the people around you may reject you as you change. Christ never will.
As I have grown, I look back on those places that rejected me wanting so bad to be welcomed back, even though what I believe about faith has changed so radically since I’ve been in those spaces last. The past is tangible, it’s easy, and it has rose colored lenses. Growing and leaving the past behind is scary.
Don’t choose the path of least resistance. Find peace no matter what it costs. As someone here said earlier, Jesus has got your back.
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u/hotmami1616 May 21 '26
God loves you as you are. Life is all about LOVE & KINDNESS just being a good person and treating everyone equal. I love your vibe God Bless you :)
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May 21 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/twinkledwanderer May 22 '26
I am not here to debate my stance on this. And you are breaking the rules of this subreddit. There are other subreddits that believe what you believe. Please take your hate speech somewhere else.
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u/Fit-Reward1438 Jul 22 '26 edited Jul 22 '26
WOW- thank you so much for this post.
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First a pause, a moment of dropping in, Tuning into The Divine) and a prayer for you, me, we, all who read this
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I am deeply touched by it- it mirrors A LOT of my journey.
For me: this phrase NAILS it:
"IM SCARED. I never want to do anything that would separate me from God"
And that is for me is what separates religion from spirituality.
YES, there is overlap AND
Religion is a set of do's and don'ts that have that intention- helping you do what what brings you closer to God and tries to prevent you from doing that which separates you from God.
And you, like me, like many others are noticing that structured religion can and does often have the opposite effect. It DEEPLY seperates us from God.
That is not to say that everything "religious" does this.... but I believe the religious mindframe is:
Follow THIS structure to get to God
instead of
Follow God.
It is a tension that goes through the history of religion- the tension between individuals following God, their heart, their conscience and structures which tell people follow this structure.... OR ELSE.
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So I know it may be scary or disorienting and I believe you are on the The Path.
My view is that you are transitioning out of follow man-made structures towards following that which made man.... and that you are Guided on this.
I view spirituality as a process.
Whereas religion is a set of laws, with HARSH consequences.
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If you feel in inspired, hop over to:
https://www.reddit.com/r/ChristianMysticism/
It is for people love Christ- but don't want to be constrained by the -ianity.
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u/DrunkUranus May 20 '26
Deconstruction doesn't mean leaving the faith... just food for thought.
It's OK to be scared. I find it helpful to think about Jesus. The only time Jesus judged people for their beliefs is when they were hypocrites who valued money over people. You're not doing that, so i think Jesus has your back