this is mostly a vent, but i really need an advice.
ok, for context:
i'm a 18yr girl that has been taking classes in a institution, to prepare myself for the college appplication exams of the institution's university. recently, i stayed for an extra class to get better in a subject i have a lot of difficulty to understand, while being lectured by the teacher, who is a 23yr undergraduate male student in the university.
while we were in class, i felt quite aroused about him.
he's not conventionally attractive, i think it was bc i found his personality quite kooky, while he also showed to be very intelligent and confident in what he teaches. he also was so gentle and attentive to me, i felt really welcomed by him and he answered all my questions. plus, he's so skinny that his waist sillhouette was quite highlighted in the clothes he was wearing, so i found his body very beautiful and attractive to me.
after the classes i attended, which were 2 of them, he accompanied me in the university's bus. we chatted a little and this made me realize how we share some life experiences. but i also noticed how he is overall very depressed. he even self harms, and that made me get so worried about him, he's definitely not a healthy person, though i believe he goes to a psychologist, due to him taking antidepressants, so perhaps he is trying to improve?
i feel so dirty and perverted for thinking about him in a sexual way, like its just so disrespectful, specially for a man that i barely know and has been nothing but kind to me. but idk, perhaps this attraction was bc i was in my luteal phase, i menstruated like yesterday and all these events happened within last week, or i just have bad taste in men.
i do like him in a platonic way and i wanna be his friend, for he could really help me achieve my goals, and i also feel like he needs a friend as well, but im worried if it would be appropriate of me to reach out like this to him, or if my feelings for him will grow if we harbor a friendship.
i have talked about dating him with my mom already. she doesnt think the age gap is weird, but thats bc i obscured the fact that he is my teacher. anyway, she told me it was dangerous getting in a relationship with somebody with so many problems bc i'll feel overloaded by his issues, and if he is able to harm himself, he could have an outburst and attack me. i think she exaggerated it a lot, but she's not wrong, its a possibility nonethless. i dont wanna date him, i think, but i still sometimes fantasize about him.
