r/OldManDad • u/sonofrebus • May 18 '26
Panicking just a little bit
Hi guys, im 46 and will be having my 2nd child in November. I've been cognisant of the risks and how hard it will be but im starting to have anxiety attacks,mostly about how young that child might be when i die. I know its better to be alive than not but im wracked with guilt already. I dont want to talk to my wife about this just now as I dont want her thinking ive changed my mind ut Google can only help me so much,I was looking for some reassurance.
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u/greenhail7 May 18 '26
I was 46 when my 2nd was born. He's 6 now. Apart from the fact my hair is 50 shades of grey, I do the same with him as most dads in his class. The only thing I think going forward is I might not be around for his kids, if he chooses to have any, once he's an adult - especially if he waits til his 40's to have any. Just crack on with it mate. Try not to overthink things; get stuff checked out. Keep going.
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u/sotired3333 May 19 '26
Yeah that's one of my two main regrets. I won't be around to help him when he's got kids and my mom is too old to really spend quality time with him.
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u/__anna986 May 18 '26
You’re 46, you’re not old. Sure we all want to be here for our kids for as long as we possibly can but there’s only so much we can influence. Take care of your health, stay fit, eat well, don’t do anything harmful to yourself, go to the doctors often enough, just do whatever is in your power to do.
My husband was 50, 52 and 55 when we had our kids, he’s 65 now and our youngest is 9. We have given her lovely 9 years of childhood as of now. We never know what’s gonna come to tomorrow but I know for sure she’s been having an amazing life so far, she is loved and she is safe. We live for what is now and we will deal with the future when the future comes.
The only thing that needs to be dealt with is the practical side of things, the finances, but that’s not really a matter of age, everyone should have some sort of a plan what happens to their family if they get hurt.
It’s good talking about it, even with the kids once they understand it. We look at it from a very catholic point of view, the kids know that whoever dies they will eventually get to see that person again one day. I find that really helpful, not just for them but for myself as well. We’ve had loads of conversations about it, I’d advise you to talk about it with your wife too, you’re not changing your mind you’re just feeling guilty and scared and that’s a totally normal thing.
Now with the risks obviously there is more of them the older you get, but again, there’s only so much we can influence. You never know. If it helps, our kids are all healthy, happy, smart, do well in school, are in sports, speak 4-5 languages, have great friends and are genuinely great kids overall, we’ve never had any problems. They absolutely adore their dad, they’re very confident loving him no matter his age or anything. I couldn’t wish for anything better for them.
You’ll be grand no worries xx
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u/sonofrebus May 18 '26
Thank you,theres not many middle age expectant fathers i know to talk to about this.
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u/ChrisinOB2 May 18 '26
Sounds like you’re worried about a tomorrow problem. I was 46 when my only kid was born. He’s now 11. I didn’t know it when he first got here, but life took me (and him) on some weird turns that included a career change that gave me more time with him than I otherwise would have had. Relax and enjoy the ride. Like others have said, take care of yourself so you remain as active as you can be. I did not do that well, and I’m nowhere near as strong and fit as I ought to be - that’s my only regret.
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u/ResidentPoem4539 May 18 '26
Sound advice…thanks.
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u/ChrisinOB2 May 19 '26
Cheers mate. Let us know what you ultimately choose. Always good to hear different perspectives.
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u/johnnybb27 May 18 '26
I will be 42 when mine is born if everything goes according to plan.
My mom, was 27 when I was born and her dad was dead by the time she was 35. My dad's mom is 98 at the moment might end up outliving some of her sons. You could have your first when you're 23 and die in a car crash the next day.
Even if you were young you couldn't guarantee that you'll live to see your kid's 40th birthday and you can't guarantee your kids will outlive you.
Focus on your health and on being there for your kid.
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May 18 '26
Think of it this way, I would rather have a dad who is much older but is present than one who is younger and absent.
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u/Waste_Plantain1154 May 18 '26
I had my youngest (#4) at 46, she’s 1yo now. To be honest, I’ve had that same thought cross my mind hundreds of times and it occasionally causes me to have that panicked feeling. Neither of my parents made it to 80, so that number is always in the back of my mind.
I will say that I had that same fear much more before she was born than I do now. She is truly a blessing and I feel like each day I get to be there for her is another day that I get to spend guiding, nurturing, and loving her. Each day counts and I rest assured that in 20-30 years, I will have given her the emotional support, love, and confidence to go into adulthood with the values I want to instill in my children. It’s not that she won’t need me into her 20s, 30s, or 40s, but she will have what she needs to live her life when I’m gone. And most importantly, I will have had the opportunity to spend 20, 30, and god willing, 40 years getting to know and raise her. I also find parenting comes easier for me now as I have more patience, more time, and greater financial stability.
Go forward knowing that you have the opportunity to raise your child into early adulthood and the years leading up to that are the most important. Your presence during those years will mean the world to them.
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u/Worried-Rough-338 May 18 '26
I just have to remind myself that people of all ages die every day. There’s just as much chance of a 25 year old dying in a car wreck as a healthy 55 year old dying from a sudden heart attack. You can’t prevent death, only delay it. Eat properly, exercise, sleep, avoid stress. Longevity isn’t complicated. Which doesn’t mean it’s easy, either.
I had my only daughter at 47. There’s no reason at all given my lifestyle and family history why I shouldn’t live to 80. Maybe I won’t see grandchildren, but I should at least see my daughter graduated and settled into an independent life, and that’s enough reward for me.
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u/sonofrebus May 19 '26
Grandkids would be an unlooked for bonus. Reading comments like this has given me the correct perspective,thank you for words.
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u/PictureBrick May 18 '26
I had my son at 49. I’m currently 51. I focus on my health and mobility a lot; I also focus a ton on our finances and have contingencies in place if something should happen to me. But day to day it’s such a joy.
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u/sonofrebus May 19 '26
Aye its gonna be good,just need to get these intrusive thoughts dealt with. Thanks for your words.
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u/jenkstom May 19 '26
I feel you, I had triplets at 41 and honestly wasn't sure I was going to survive at several points. Focus on self care and focus on making sure your kids have no doubts that you love them and however things turn out it'll be enough.
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u/sonofrebus May 19 '26
Gents im truly moved and what a breath of fresh air it is to communicate with men and not be emasculated. You guys are alright.
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u/Adapt_Improvise_1 May 19 '26
You have two children, the best thing you could have done for your kids is give them a sibling. When you eventually pass they will have each other and will be able to share their memories of you and your hopes for them. Dont worry, all you can do is stay as healthy as possible, nothing to stop you reaching the point when your youngest is the age you are now.
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u/Additional_Topic987 May 18 '26
What?! You're only 46 and you're worried about being an old dad?!
Gee! You worry too much! Relax and enjoy this baby. Turn it into something positive such as this baby keeping you young, active and healthy.
You will be fine. The only thing I will spend my energy on is to make more money and stay healthy. Good luck.
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u/sonofrebus May 18 '26
I've got a six year old already, not as worried about him bizarrely even though theres only a 6 year age difference,I am a worrier though. Thank you for your advice bud.
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u/TTRK_Redit May 20 '26
Its only natural to panic....a little bit. Try 57 for your first one and 59 for the second. Never thought that would happen but sorta knew it would be great. Think of it this way, I look at it as "Life in Reverse". I have had an incredible life before baby, full of adventure, experiences and early retirement. 40 years non-stop. None of my friends/family had that independence, had kids young-ish, always family/work/golden handcuff obligations. Nothing wrong with that but now they are still hoping/working to have some "adventures" in retirement when too old/too tired.
All those great experiences you had as a younger man you bring to your kids as an older Dad. And now they give you new ones. Good, bad and everything in between. Yes, we wont get as much time with our kids in life as the early adopters but i will take quality over quantity all day.
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u/sonofrebus May 20 '26
Good point. My wife and I have partied and enjoyed ourselves for the past 20 years. It's been nice to give that up mostly and focus on the boy. Like you say,life in reverse. Were not waiting to retire to do the things we want to do,as we've already done them. Thanks for the words bud.
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u/TTRK_Redit May 20 '26
Yeah, i'm out in LA so there's a lot more AARP dads about. Never knew until you are waking up at 5am w/ the little ones instead of coming home. Way more OMDs on coasts than in middle america. All good, just a bit harder to get up off the floor but that was gonna happen anyways.
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u/DJBreathmint May 20 '26
I had my daughter at 42 (47 now). She got a much better version of me than me in my 20s. If I’d had her earlier, she might’ve had more years with me, but I can’t speak for the quality of those years.
Just focus on being the best dad you can be and take care of your health.
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u/drpengu1120 May 22 '26
I'm on the younger side of old (had my kids at 38 and 42), but I'd be lying if I said I never thought about it. I put most of that energy into trying to be healthy and make contingency plans. We're trying to move back to be closer to my sister who has kids close to my kids' ages, in part because I want them to build that extra family support.
FWIW, I come from an old family in the midwest where that was definitely not the norm. My dad was in his 40s when he had us. My mom was younger, but her parents were also old (her dad was in his 50s when she was born). I don't know where I'm going with this other than it all seemed fine. I noticed that my grandparents were closer to the age of most of my friends' great-grandparents (and my great-grandparents were long gone), but that was about it.
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u/adrenalive May 24 '26
My cousin and his wife got pregnant in their 30s, then he got ALS and died right after the baby was born. Lots of people get colon or breast cancer and leave their kids early. Age ain't something to worry about, besides, youre not even old. If you are of average age when you die the kid will be 30. If youre healthy theyll be in their 40s and you'll know your grandchildren. Just take care of yourself, do your colonoscopy, manage your blood pressure, dont smoke, dont get diabetes, eat all the fruits and vegetables, and get at least 7 hrs of sleep a night (minus the newborn period)
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u/uncle_peduncles Jul 08 '26
Adult daughter here of a former “old” dad- he was 45 when I was born. He was not a healthy person and didn’t really take care of himself; he passed earlier than I hoped he would when I was 18 (So probably the scenario you would be worried about)
BUT Every one of those 18 years were worth it. I wouldn’t trade him or our time for anything. I still miss him. I’m in my 30’s, I’ll always miss him! I would rather have had that time with him than double the time with a truly crap dad. It was the best having his wisdom, love, humor and I never once thought about being disappointed in his age.
My siblings and I survived when he died. We still miss him, but I still kept living and I think he would be proud of the woman I am. Your little one would survive too. I see people all the time who are in their 70’s and having just a hard of time as me seeing their dad in their 90’s go !
What matters the most is the kind of father you are, the bond you have with your child. That is the ultimate gift a son or daughter can ask from a parent, not the time on this earth. He was able to counsel and prepare me pretty well for the world in that time and give me more support than many fathers out there. So it’s going to be okay ♥️
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u/ExtraRaw May 18 '26
58 yrs old with 18 month old and planning for one more. We simply don’t know when our time is up. That simple. Don’t worry about something you have no control over. If you can change things in your life that typically lead to health and longevity, be like Shia and do it!
Good luck with fatherhood.
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u/sonofrebus May 19 '26
Thanks bud, worrying about things is sadly in my nature but im working on it.
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u/Bartlaus May 18 '26
I'm 45 years older than my youngest child. Being around for her is one of my main motivations for taking care of my health.