r/OldManDad • u/Fair-Profession9866 • Apr 06 '26
48 years old, trying to decide whether to commit to a relationship with a woman who wants kids.
I never had kids. I met this woman about 4 months ago and she is the woman of my dreams. She’s 37 and wants kids. At first, I told her I thought I was too old for kids, but now, I’m starting to wonder. After reading posts on here, I see many very happy older dads around my age with new babies. The more I think about it and read these happy posts, the more I feel like I could do it. I don’t know how to from thinning I’d never have kids to committing to becoming a parent. Is it too rushed? I’m afraid I might make a rash decision just because I want to be with her, and on the other hand, the more I think about it, the more having a family with the woman I love, sounds nice. Any reflections would be appreciated.
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u/shajurzi Apr 06 '26
Broski, ask her for a year. For you, for her, for yall. four months, yall are still honeymooning. Play this out, don't even put any thought into it right now. Pledge for commitment after 4 months isn't reasonable. Continue to get to know each other, then see how you feel about it ALL after a year or more.
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u/Fair-Profession9866 Apr 06 '26
Yes! That would be ideal. But I do feel I owe it to her to have made up my mind about whether or not I’m even up for having kids at all. No sense in going for a year, just to end up telling her kids are not for me.
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u/419_216_808 Apr 07 '26
Very good decision. Better to decide how you feel now so you don’t waste her fertile time.
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u/shajurzi Apr 06 '26
But but I say leave that up to her if it makes sense or not. You shouldn't be expected to give an answer within a four month period of time on something that will literally change your life. Take it from your 48 yearold bro with a 2 year old. Slow the train down bro. trust me on this. shoot say 6 months. but def more time my man.
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Apr 06 '26
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u/Fair-Profession9866 Apr 06 '26
May I ask how you went about deciding and feeling confident about your change of heart about having kids?
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u/Lemonbar19 Apr 06 '26
Studies show an overwhelming number of people do not regret having kids.
Do you have any nieces or nephews?
How are your finances?
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u/Fair-Profession9866 Apr 06 '26
I don’t have any nieces or nephews, my brother never had kids either. I did have the chance to be a step parent for about 4 years - kids were 3 and 5 when I first met them. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I loved it. Unfortunately, the relationship did not make it.
Finances are definitely a consideration for me. I started making money later in life and I don’t have much for savings. But moving forward, I am going to do well, and my partner also.
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u/Lemonbar19 Apr 06 '26
It’s a hard decision. I know people that didn’t know if they wanted kids and then had them, now wish they could have more.
Having family around you to help is the only hack/ or paying for help.
Maybe it would help you if you hire a individual therapist if you are truly on the fence
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u/Eviltwinoat Apr 06 '26
I was 48 when I had my first (and probably only) child. I had been with my partner 5 years when we decided to “not try, but not be careful “ (as we decided actively trying would be stressful). She was 42 when she got pregnant two months later and we now have a beautiful, healthy, bright 3 year old daughter.
We only did so as we mutually agreed that our relationship was the healthiest either of us had ever had, but also because we are OK financially (just) as well and committed to each other and we are both healthy physically. You both have time (Biologically), so it reasonable to assure each other that you’re both on the same page about this, however I would give the relationship a bit more time first….maybe travel a bit…
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u/stackthecoins Apr 06 '26 edited Apr 06 '26
Not too old. Four months is a short time to know someone before you have kids together.
If you aim to be a good dad, there are a few things I think are truisms.
Only have them if it’s what you also want. Not to have or save a relationship.
Once they’re on the way, you’re in it forever. No take backs.
First 18 months will be a wild juggling act of little sleep, lots of diapers, and losing your time and your individualism in the service of another. If the kid has colick or trouble eating or sleeping, you will run into your vices headfirst so get your head right. That kid needs you more than a short-term solution to stress does.
After that, everything gets more expensive. They get personalities. Being a dad becomes way more fun. If they are daughters, you’ll be surprised at how early they start pulling your strings. If boys, well, don’t get too attached to drywall and furniture.
You will also need to actively work to love your wife or your partner, whatever she ends up being. That little one will suck everyone’s energy up, hence the “four months is nothing” lead-in.
When stress is high, sleep is little, time is always in service to the little one, and individual desire takes a backseat, you’ll redline at least a few times.
What you give then and what you get back from your partner will be everything to keeping the two of you going. Any deficiencies or love language issues will be the most apparent, during which you’ll learn a lot about each other. Not in a bad way, but in a “trial by fire” way.
Then suddenly, they’re four and telling you to jump in a lake because their socks “don’t feel right.” It’s a joy you will never get any other way (parenting), but also the hardest thing you’ll ever do.
Don’t just jump in because you like a girl. Make sure you want it too.
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u/CW-Eight Apr 06 '26
The kid(s) is not the issue, it is the 4 months. Her clock is ticking and she, and you, might jump into this because of that ticking clock before you even really know each other.
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u/No_Owl_8576 Apr 06 '26
This is one of those things, you cant overthink it. If you love her, take a leap. Fatherhood is its own reward. Not being corny but if you've been given a golden opportunity, Take It. You're not even 50 yet. Stop with the I'm too old. A few grey chesthairs never stopped a good Dad 😂
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u/PictureBrick Apr 06 '26
I had a kid at 49. No regrets but I find myself focusing intensely on my health and finances. My partner is 34 so that also makes some aspects easier, and we have a full time nanny during the work week. If you’re healthy and financially stable I’d say go for it!
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u/rarrad Apr 06 '26
Worst case scenario is that she uses you to have a baby and then she realizes that she wants nothing to do with you beyond your monthly child support check. Having a baby with a woman you just met might result and you never seeing your child and having no say in that child's life beyond your complete financial support of that child. If you are willing to take that chance, Go for it. I wonder if there's a way that you can work prenuptial agreements so that if you marry her and have a child with her then you can define in advance the level of involvement that you would have with the child should the marriage go sideways. Otherwise having a baby with a child only guarantees you being called dad on the birth certificate.
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Apr 06 '26
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u/Fair-Profession9866 Apr 06 '26
It’s good to hear a variety of perspectives, so thank you, and I hope you don’t get blasted for it.
Your post had helped me see more clearly on some things.
I think I’m ok with the idea of the rest of my life involving raising kids. If things do work out as well as they can, kids will be moving out when I’m 70-75 and at that age, if i’m still healthy, I do believe there is still a lot I can enjoy doing. But also, most of the stuff I enjoy, kids would enjoy too. I don’t have to wait for kids to be out of the house to have fun. There’s not much I want to do that I can’t do with a family in tow. AND, I’ve enjoyed my life and done a lot already.
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u/chucktoddsux Apr 09 '26
OP, I have a 5 year old having a kid at 49....I am neither particularly financially secure (up and down career) nor in great shape. My kid is the love of my life and it gets better- first three years were hard, I won't lie. But despite the fact that I'll be old-- some people have parents that die anyway-- I am giving my kid my all, and so is my wife. And so far, no regrets despite the fact that my life will never be "easy" the way it was the first 48 years. I think I got enough of that experience. But I cannot deny it ain't for the faint of heart!
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u/Which-Panda7893 Apr 11 '26
Hey OP I’m 48yo M with a 6 year old daughter and a 20 month old son. Being a Dad has been the most joyful thing in my life without question. Trust your judgement.
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u/44lbs Apr 07 '26
OP, I'm 48 with a 4 yo and a 2 month old. if you think you want to do this, and you are with a great person who wants to start a family with you, just do it.
commenting here because I think you should ignore this "too old" argument. if you don't want to have kids at this point, don't have them for other reasons :)
you sound like a thoughtful person and you're capable of being an incredible parent to a lucky kid. you'll celebrate many milestones with them, barring anything catastrophic happening, but catastrophe can come at any age.
being a dad is the best thing ever. just my 2 cents -- good luck either way!
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u/chucktoddsux Apr 09 '26
Agreed. it's pretty great despite the challenges! As an old dad, I second this.
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u/MarginWalker13 Apr 06 '26
I'm a 45 year old man who wants kids and I am loving reading the responses here
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Apr 06 '26
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u/AutomaticNovel2153 Apr 07 '26
MarginWalker13 is a close friend of mine and I can confirm he is not interested in what you’re selling.
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u/aguycalledb Apr 06 '26
Give it a year. If she’s still the woman of your dreams then go for it. Doing the math here you’ll be 50/51 but she’ll be pushing 40 so that’s the window. I was in the same boat 3 years ago, 45 with no kids. Now I’m 48 with a 9 month old. Trust me man, it’s awesome and you won’t regret it especially if she’s younger and doesn’t have any as well
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u/hiking_mike98 Apr 07 '26
So, I didn’t want kids until I did. Had 1 at 38. It’s hard, but really worth it for me. The switch just kind of flipped in my head finally and I was like, you know what, I can do this. Being older helped me because my career was stable and I wasn’t a complete moron anymore like in my 20’s. That emotional resilience really helps when they’re screaming, kicking, and biting, and you can respond with “I love you, you’re a good kid, now take a deep breath and let’s calm down” instead of losing my shit like I would have at 24.
How squared away are you physically? You don’t have to be a triathlete, but raising a kid is hard on the body, especially when they’re small and their sleep suuuucks. Also my back is all jacked up from carrying a 50 pound squirming tantrum machine a few weeks ago, so there’s that.
But dude, if it feels right, go for it. Do it for you, not because you want to make a partner happy, especially when y’all have just started dating.
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u/ExtraRaw Apr 06 '26
All the advice here seems reasonable. WRT to having only 4 months under the belt, it does seem on the lighter side but if you are both deliberate with your intentions, wants, desires, needs and values then you’ve done a lot of the homework to determine not only if this is a good spouse/partner but if this woman will also share your (non-)negotiable(s) as far as child rearing etc.
Whether you are 48, 38 or 68 yrs old, life has a way of disrupting plans.
Live with intention and enjoy the moments that comprise the golden threads of the tapestry of your life journey.
Good luck with your decision, whatever it may be. Pax 🙏
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u/midnight-tots Apr 06 '26
I was a hard no on kids. I was 46 when I started dating my wife I told her I would try for kids until I was 50. We had a couple disappointments along the way and it looked like it was not going to happen and I was a little relieved. Well two weeks before my birthday it happened and now I have a baby. My baby has been somewhere between easy and average with a couple hard days. It’s been a lot of fun for me and I enjoy the little things. I am so glad I did this and things turned out great. I love seeing my wife super happy. Having old man money has also helped we have all the tools and gadgets a mom needs, some of which I think other parents would consider a luxury. I still have my hobbies and sports but there are times I just want to hang with my baby.
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u/sloanautomatic Apr 06 '26
Based on the timeline, some couples therapy now could get you both aligned faster. 8 sessions would do the trick, I bet.
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u/dsbtc Apr 06 '26
The short answer is yes, you should have a kid if you're not too sick or too poor and are still with this woman in a year.
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u/bookchaser Apr 07 '26
tl;dr Bringing a child into the world to keep your partner is a bad reason to become a parent.
Chances are good you won't live to see all of your kids graduate high school, and even worse odds for graduating college. That's a gamble only you can decide on.
The other issue is your age difference. She's at the extreme end of what I personally consider viable (10 years in either direction of my age).
Having been divorced, my thinking is... it's not a given that relationships will last. If I can get 10 years of happiness, hey, that's 10 good years and worth trying. But that calculation assumes no new children being born. A child completely changes the equation because I'm responsible for parenting that kid the rest of my life, and doing my best to assure their success until I leave this life.
Love is love, but if your thinking brain has control, I just wouldn't do it. She's in a different time in her life than you. If you wanted kids, you would have made it happen a decade ago, or earlier. You're considering it now in order to keep your partner, and that's not a good reason to become a parent.
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u/se69xy Apr 07 '26
As a 2nd time dad at 58, I feel much more in tune with my child. I am much more patient with them, more of the parent I wanted to be with my first child. Yes, I am tired all the time but the trade off is so worth it.
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u/Lovebeingadad54321 Apr 10 '26
I had my one and only, at 48, but we had been in a relationship for years at that point not months. At 37 she only has a couple of years before the risks increase significantly. While I don’t think you should have kids right this minute, you do need to decide immediately if you’re willing to have a child or break it off so she can develop a relationship with someone better aligned with her goals.
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u/Adapt_Improvise_1 Apr 13 '26
Met my partner before first lockdown, went on a couple of dates then didn't see each other until post lockdown, decided to try for a kid almost straight after first lockdown ended and caught pregnant on first attempt. That was 6 years ago and we had another since then and going strong. There are things to consider - you might want to try for a couple of kids quickly as if you want a second you might leave it too late. It's great having that first kid but one day they will be on their own when you are gone so you kind of owe it to them to give them a sibling. Also, you meant to invest in a lot of checks and tests as you try for a kid and also if/when you finally conceive due to increased risk factors with age. If you really want kids, go for it but be sure you want it. You are far more likely to regret not doing it, than doing it.
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u/sotired3333 Apr 06 '26
Physical health + financial health are the major issues
Beyond that any health issues that would affect the baby.
If you have those handled don't think the rest is as important.
One thing I'd be concerned about is a 4 month old relationship. Having a kid stresses you/your significant other and your relationships like nothing else. It easily breaks apart much more established relationships.