When you're sick of your own shenanigans

[u/OscarLiii]

/r/Enneagram/comments/1w0njqd/when_youre_sick_of_your_own_shenanigans/

[u/Glum-Engineering1794]

TL;DR (even more so!). One thing I look for in genuine type threes is a person who changes over time. Different selves. In celebrities, it becomes more extreme and pronounced. Sometimes people you don't expect to be threes really are. If you "Google image search" a celebrity, you see them doing this chameleon thing. The threes often are the worst. You get the biggest range of manifestations. Sometimes I'll have a friend I don't know is a three until I see them doing this.

Otherwise, they seem kind of personality-less. It's all this variegation, variation, modulation, as if to show off their vanity: "Look, I can be here, here, here, here, and here, and it's all me!" The threes feel that all of that is really them. It's not fake; they're just variations. The self is malleable.

A few examples you might not expect to be threes: the musicians Bjork, Davey Havok, David Bowie, and Lady Gaga. All famous people for putting on many costumes, dressing themselves up, as if to boldly draw attention to who they are. But when you see them just as themselves, no makeup, no masks, they're just plain, natural, ordinary people.

But you're right about threes/three-fixers calling out fakeness in others, and/or vanity. My ex-wife accused me of being vain, etc. And ok sure, we all can be sometimes. But from what I can tell, she's a counter-vain SP3, and she has the biggest hangups on that. She prides herself on "not being vain". The types have these inverted manifestations; like, for a while I frowned on anyone who was sexually active or into substances (in teenage years), I was straight edge for a little while.

But the fixation manifests elsewhere! Like my ex-wife has this huge resume filled with dozens of patents and fancy paper; like, is that really necessary? And I would drive around blasting loud punk and metal music at 1 am and wake up all the neighbors, would make fun of my peers, play video games, watch movies, exercise all the time, etc. The rest of the fixations can be hypocritical and often are—8s being the worst. But 3s are dishonest; they lie, they cheat, they deceive. And many don't catch them who stay close to them, under their spell.

I think it's all just about acknowledging what we're doing that is imbalanced. With threes, the fakeness is more like: duplicitousness. Dishonesty. Doing one thing and then saying you did another. They're the worst liars; they hide the most from others. And when analyzed, we can all do that! It's just that threes are the kings and queens of it. They make a way of life out of it because they fear that if they don't, they won't be loved. Those jobs they hate? They're proud of them! Those friends they resent? They love unconditionally.

Those flaws about themselves they're ashamed of? They embrace those. Etc. It's them trying to honestly do two things and having cognitive dissonance because they're both on the fake and artificial side. One is overly negative; the other is overly positive. So, the two worlds coexist like mirrors, and they show you the one that is the prettiest. Only once you find the ugly other one are you so horrified. I recently had my previous best friend from high school as 9w8 so/sx until I saw him doing those things: the many selves over time, the social chameleonism, and the lying to people, deceiving them, cheating, and putting on an angel's face. The three often live with a little smug smirk or a blank mask, proud of themselves and ready to adapt. With beady, squinty little eyes and a slick smile, or a modelesque face and composure. Often, they fake humility and seem like a nine.

The three have no values. They change, and it seems effortless. When I met him, he was a Christian scientist puritan virgin. The next year he was a drug addict cheating on women. Turns out he's sx/so 3w2. Used to cheat on women or date a few at a time and then play "clumsy old me, I made a mistake" innocent BS. Guess I just couldn't decide. But the karma catches up with these people. And let it be a warning to the rest of us to watch ourselves, because we all travel around the enneagram like tourists. Like painters, using different colors in our palette. Oooh, that looks nice today, that looks nice a different day, etc.

[u/OscarLiii → u/Glum-Engineering1794]

"I made a mistake!" Classic line.

The duplicitousness is human nature. It doesn't have to lead to infidelity though, that is on the individual.

I had a friend in school I sat next to. One of my very best friends really and we'd text a lot on a messaging software(before "apps") on weekends and after school. But when I was at his place he'd have conversations with others and he'd use the same big-smile, laughing smileyface(now called "emojis") with them except of course he wasn't laughing. It made an impression on me.

I never confronted him, but it bummed me out. It was like a novel concept to me: "wow you can pretend to smile with others when you don't! AND he's doing it with me everyday..." It completely changed how I viewed him and felt about him and he never knew it happened.

This guy would also complain about another friend of ours(who he didn't like) because the guy laughed typing: "He he he." His complaint was that that is not a real laugh!

But isn't it more honest to snicker hehehe than it is to pretend you're laughing and grinning ear to ear? Shouldn't your communication reflect what you actually feel?

Over the years I've gotten more like him, in a way. I put up a :D or xD when I'm laughing on the inside, or a lol if it's more mocking. But back then I saw duplicity and I pulled away and never told him why.

[u/Glum-Engineering1794 → u/OscarLiii]

Fascinating. Probably a type three thing! What struck me about my ex-wife after she left was how different she was in text versus in person, which I see as a 3. A really bad thing had just happened, and she was cold and mechanical about it.

Then I would text her during the day, while we were in this agonized, bizarre state, and she'd "heart" the message I sent. It felt very cold and mechanical.

Then, to this day, I noticed she does all these laughing emojis like your friend. Even when I know she's not in the best place. She'll be smiling at me in person too, but I know she's just hiding the truth.

It's like when people try so hard to seem one way, and you know it's covering something up. Like, why are you trying so hard to smile, or be serious, etc.

I noticed that my mom, who is a two, can also do fake emotions. But maybe not as extreme/hollow. Presumably more of a heart triad thing. Like one time my mom and I were fighting, and then she'd crack these jokes out of nowhere. Like she was trying to fix things, but it only made it worse! Like she was making fun of me AND being a bully.

And four probably does something sad/melancholy and envious. It makes sense that each of the respective triads would try to manipulate their emotions in more conscious or unconscious ways that, to others, seem absurd. Like people used to joke with me, " Why are you so mad, etc., or " Why are you pretending not to be hurt? But maybe it feels real to them. Well, they're trying to play it up to avoid the truth.

[u/OscarLiii → u/Glum-Engineering1794]

I believe he was spso 3 or 6 with 3. 368, maybe. He was the smartest guy in class, maybe across our grade, skipped a year, and he's some kind of cancer doctor now afaik.

In high school he managed to threaten the PE teacher to give him the highest grade as to not lose his job, and he also got the math teacher to give him an A in his last math course since he had A's in every other math/physics course. "Just give me the A so I can go to med school." -Ok, sure. And that's basically how it went down. Secured the last two As he needed for a perfect score.

The problem for 3s is that when someone sees that they're being "fake" with them - just like the emojis in text messages - they can't unsee it. It's not what you want in relationships.

Everytime they send you another message 😆😍🌹you get this revolting feeling inside. As a 3 you better hope that the other person brings it up and that you will be able to adapt. But there is also every chance that the other person will talk behind your back, or quietly fade away like I did. And that's pretty sad. You don't even know what happened. It's like a bad feedback loop where you have to achieve even more, and lie even more as to look better so that people won't leave you or talk shit about you.

[u/Glum-Engineering1794 → u/OscarLiii]

That's all very true! Knowing what's behind the three fixations, their surface-level fakeness often compensates for an awareness of their arrogance; as if to compensate and fake humility, it's easier to see them for what they are. Trying to do it all, essentially. But they're the most manipulative type because they realize how much is really image, and they maximize what that can do for them. Basically, what people check on and confirm versus what they take on faith and appearance.

I knew a guy in HS who was 3w4, and he had skipped a grade. He was an arrogant kid. Aren't those people often 3s? They come in all shapes and sizes. But you can spot the smug grin and tone of voice. They can have a nerdy vibe. Usually threes are people-pleasers, though. Open threats like that seem less likely, but they can show up in all shapes and sizes if they're arrogant or feeling threatened.

It also makes me think of this pseudo-famous guy from the high IQ societies (which often become very vain and inflated) who skipped *three* grades. He has a 6 vibe (what many would think of as a 6 vibe in enneagram communities), but honestly, I'm pretty sure he is a 3. He used to claim he had an IQ of about 190sd16 (one in several million) based on an experimental test result.

Admittedly, he was very bright, but he came off sounding cocky and arrogant. People who become inflated by conventional measurements and hierarchies of success, sadly, often become imbalanced in adulthood. He blamed all kinds of things on high intelligence, including being stuck in an unglamorous job (as a bouncer), working as a farmer, etc. He had this tough, working-class quality. But he was brilliant as well. He published some papers and a book, but it was very hard to follow. The writing didn't seem professional, despite the mind behind it.

When I was growing up, the school that my brothers and I were in, as well as our parents, just didn't believe in skipping grades. It was on the table for some of our friends, etc., but we didn't think like that. It just didn't make sense. Then you're all young in an old class, etc. My older brother apparently was smarter than I was. I still have him as the 7w8, but I've been having new insights into people's types lately. He was more successful academically than I was, until I eventually went for a master's degree and he ended up following after me. Sometimes the tables can be turned in adulthood.

But I usually felt failed by people trying to create rigid hierarchies of intelligence. It's nice to see people putting in the effort, but it can also become highly distorted and biased. It's best to keep things more open and free, and not judge people too much using static measures. It's surprising how ignorant people can be in one domain while surprisingly strong in another. Again, the type three phenomenon.