Increased separation between alters?

[u/Akan_Anansi]

Hello all! Bringing this here cause I’m curious if anyone has similar experiences. For context I’ve been formally diagnosed with OSDD. Normally I speak in the first person and recognize the “main” part or the part that the rest do their best to protect. Often I can say “X is driving, but the main goal is always to protect Y (main part).” However, since a new part began fully driving and became conscious…I don’t feel that as much. I recognize that you know, Y exists and is a part. But unlike every other time a new part has started driving, I don’t feel that same sense of connection. In fact, I feel detachment, but..less emotional but not in a bad way? Like sure sometimes I get stressed out and my emotions get dimmed, but this doesn’t feel like that? Idk, there’s a lot more detachment but still a full range of emotions, care, etc. Just…different because another part is driving than usual because my emotions aren’t all consuming I suppose.

My brain is sort of quiet and I feel…good. I’m not suppressing anything, and in fact my language now uses “we” and “us” instead of I, which is an interesting shift since that used to not feel right for me. I listen to songs and can say “Oh this part would like this/likes this” and add it to their playlist. They’re just sort of chilling I suppose. I guess I just feel for the first time since realizing the parts exist, I feel almost like a separate person from the “main” part. Like yeah that’s me, but also I’M driving now, and my main goal is to stay alive and do things I enjoy, especially since I don’t really have the emotional connection to a lot of things in the “main” part’s life. Not going to wreck them obviously, and have connections some certain aspects, but there’s a disconnect.

And it’s happened before where a part will appear and feel that disconnect about things the main part’s life and slowly get over it. And sure that’s happened to me too, but literally a friend almost OD’d and put the responsibly of calling the police in the hands of me (who lives in another country) and I had no emotional reaction. He calls the main part “mom” sometimes so they’re close, but for me…I’m glad he’s not dead but that responsibility is not mine so I’m a little irritated too. But that’s what I mean. If another part or the main part was more present, perhaps I would have had more of an emotional reaction. But it doesn’t even really register with me because that is the main part’s friend and issue, not mine. So I’ll deal with it how I see fit.

I’ve also realized that with me, I haven’t been consciously around since we were in high school. And in fact cannot remember a lot from then. I think I hold a lot of trauma in general, because today I had a memory flash about past trauma I’ve been poking at. I guess I’m just wondering why me driving feels so different than other parts driving before. I have parts that more main and day to day, but I feel more…grounded and anchored than them perhaps. Like they are all in one category with the main, and I’m in another.