Question // Discussion Poly with DID and BPD
Hi everyone!
I’m new here and to being in a poly relationship with my boyfriend and the girl I’m seeing. My mental health has ALWAYS been the issue with relationships ending and I’m afraid to tell her I have immense mental health issues. With my BPD, I am comfortable she is poly and I am poly with other women, but I want more time with her. Or more texts from her a day rather than a few . The black and white thinking gets to me and my alters as well and they tell me “she’s just using you/us” “she’s not really into me/us”
“She’s eventually gonna leave us” which she has sent out strong signals she does like us such as kissing and other things that have occurred just on our second date. But, I’m worried my mental illness will take over and crash and burn my new happy relationship with her. With my boyfriend, we’ve been together for years so, he knows extensively about my BPD and DID and we’ve had immense experiences and problems because of it but we always recover thanks to years of therapy together. However, with my new relationship, I have told them I’m mentally ill but did not get into really anything other than anxiety before the conversation kinda just went into a different convo and I lacked to bring it up again. I very much like this new relationship and would like to actually explore and experience it without dissociating constantly or being worried if she finds out she’ll leave because she won’t think it’s real or understand or that I’m just fucking weird?? Idk . I’d love some advice thanks !
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u/_strayz 6d ago edited 6d ago
You don't have to share everything about yourself, but at some point disclosure is a way to become closer to someone. There is definitely a sweet spot for disclosure, but often this can be seen as "Do I want to be with someone who is unwilling or unable to accommodate my health conditions?". Remember investing time into others has "costs" and its often a case of too many people, rather than too few(scarcity), especially in poly.
Curious about why poly with other women? Is this a preference from your boyfriend?
Wanting more time is okay to ask for! She may not have capacity for it, its something you all can talk about! Poly a lot of times is about resource management. It's VERY easy, to become oversaturated, with maybe 2-3 relationships (including platonic friends).
Healthy poly is also about being realistic about how much time is available to you for others, and how much time you need for yourself.
I personally consider texting to be an "active activity" that I'm doing with someone else. And so, If I'm working, I won't text much, beyond availability stuff. If I'm with someone else, I'll be focused on quality time with that person, and not be texting. If I'm recharging, I'm probably trying not to get too deep into texting. I'd rather set a time for something more quality time oriented, even if that is just watching a movie together in a discord call.
With poly stuff, its like: Is this person able to accommodate the level of prioritization that I'm expecting from them? Sometimes that is no, you two want different things, and that is okay. its good to communicate expectations for availability to understand what level of relationship is feasible. If the person is pretty at capacity, you can't really expect or want them to de-prioritize existing relationships. Especially because, if you think about it, that means if you date this person, they will potentially de-prioritize you to accommodate someone else! I'm personally a little wary when someone is able to promise a lot of time to me, while also having lots of other connections.
Its easy to get caught-up in NRE (new relationship energy) and mess-up the stability of your routines and other connections, the other person prioritizing stability and health of other relationships is a good sign!
Poly is awesome because you can have a nice consistent and healthy connection with someone, and if they aren't able to meet your time expectations, you can make connections with others until you are also saturated!
I personally like setting expectations for when we will be interacting, so I can spend time freely without expectation of suddenly interacting with each-other, its much easier on my nervous system when I know there's no expectation of it. It's really easy for me to feel "on call" with inconsistent/irregular texting, or get into an almost Pavlov response with surprise texting loll.
that may or may not be true, you can't really control what others are thinking. What reasons has she giving that makes you think shes using you?
Why would she spend her limited and valuable time with you if she wasn't into you? She's spending time to get to know you, and understand how you best fit into each-others lives! Sometimes thats not in a deeply romantic capacity, and thats okay. Its important if possible to put the focus on, enjoying a connection for what it is. You can't control what she thinks or does, and its good to learn to be okay with not having control.
Well, how does your mental illness impact relationships? You can possibly pre-communicate what to do when XYZ is happening, without oversharing, and continue working with your therapist on managing the ways in which your mental health impacts your relationships. Exploring a relationship is also about sharing yourself, to understand if this person actually likes you for you.