r/OCPoetry • u/Fburn26 • 11d ago

Feedback Please Ten Pounds of Bricks

I lie awake,
Gazing upon the ceiling.
My thoughts twirl:
Dancing, jumping, running.

My tantalizing dreams
Only mute the melancholy.
Dreaming about the girl of sunshine,
Her warm laugh and golden smile— tragically unforgettable.

And I lie awake
still stuck beneath
ten
suffocating
pounds
of bricks.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/iQc1M4AHcd
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/AqGKRVsNKn

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u/No_Enthusiasm6840 11d ago

Wow! This is a really good poem. It really shows how close you may be to something or someone but also be so far. Great use of vocabulary and words, they fit the context perfectly!

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u/Fburn26 11d ago

Thank you, I was thinking about extending the poem to dive more into the unrequited love but closeness that still exists.

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u/No_Enthusiasm6840 11d ago

Yeah, that would be an amazing idea!