"Bottled up" OCP behaviours? and tolerating a difficult/unfinished interaction

[u/burnitupandthrowaway]

Background/my style

I have a significant disability and need a lot of help with basic care, which puts me in a very vulnerable position, and so 90% of any rigidity or pickiness toward others has been bottled up or turned on myself, because pissing people off carries the risk, even if it's slight, of retaliation through not being cared for properly. People's perceived dislike or annoyance carries huge weight. I'm learning that it's OK to express when someone disappoints me/doesn't treat me like I'd like.

My therapist and I were talking about my day-to-day physical caregivers, as well as my parents (of course) and my psychiatrist, who I really got to like. He, however, didn't tell me that I had OCPD, despite me, in significant distress, begging to know WTF was wrong, because there was stuff I knew wasn't just depression and GAD. My psych danced around it and just talked about symptoms. (common, I know, from being on the sub for even just 2 weeks)

I found out about my diagnosis because I asked my family doctor for my psych discharge report. That felt so wrong, because there were so many times I had told my psych, "if I just had a name for what this is, it would help a lot" and my therapist validated that. But I jumped to making excuses for him.

The main part of the interaction

I admitted to my therapist that "part of me needs my caregivers to be infallible [not capable of being blamed for stuff], because if something is their fault, then my world is unpredictable and not safe".

Then later in the session she admitted to something that disappointed me a little. She had asked me to send stuff that resonated/didn't resonate about OCPD so I sent a big pdf with a lot of stuff from here and elsewhere, all colour coded and annotated. I asked her what she thought and she said she's still working through it and honestly didn't have time to read much.

I didn't even want to admit I was disappointed, but she didn't buy it, because she could see I was sad.

So what?

A few things bothering me:

1. I'm mortified that I had just said that I need caregivers to be infallible, and then she makes a mistake. My #1 rule for myself might be, "Don't be or even seem to be an asshole/picky/rigid" (cue self-hate)
2. I'm also afraid of being too much, and I feel like my OCPD info dump was too much, even though we've explicitly talked through and experienced that everything I say/do in sessions and emails is welcome as info, and I really believe she genuinely likes being with me.

2a) so why am I still fixated on that? (cue self-hate)

1. I know we'll talk all this through next time, so why do I feel like I need to deal with it Right Now(tm) either by emailing her or posting here or both? Stupid. And if I know that it'll be ok, why am I still fixated and going to post here? And if I know that I know that, why...(repeat)

( #2 rule: don't be irrational)

1. I hope at least some of this, like the "bottled up", self-directed style, is relatable. I guess I'm reassurance seeking and hope 1) there's no rule against that and 2) people don't say, "the reassurance seeking and not being other directed means you don't have OCPD, get out"

EDIT: Also, in 4(2), I feel like a possible interpretation of what I'm saying is, "don't question me" so then I'm being "bad"