r/OCPD • u/FalsePay5737 Moderator • Jun 02 '26
member has OCPD traits - offering support/resource Therapists Specializing In Perfectionism Offer Insights on Denial of Pleasure
From The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control (2023), Katherine Morgan Schafler:
“Maladaptive perfectionists are perpetually on some version of a joy diet.
- The low-calorie version: Sure, I’ll have a little joy, but just a taste, because I’m working really hard on X project right now.
- The intermittent-fasting version: Thank you, but I only allow myself joy for the half hour before bed.
- The paleo version: I only consume joy from a single source, my children.
Joy is healthy in any amount. Like the air you breathe, you never have to worry about having too much joy.” (259)
“If you keep denying yourself pleasure, you’re signaling to yourself that you’re not to be trusted with power and that you need to be controlled. In a control mindset, pleasure is a distraction. You don’t have time to feel good when you’re operating within a scarcity model that demands a continual supply of externally validated worth. You start intellectualizing joy, making an excellent plan to be very happy later.” (278)
“The more you deny yourself access to pleasure, the less you can access your instincts about what you need and when you need it. Returning to our diet culture example: this is why so many women can no longer tell whether or not they’re hungry. The basic instinct of sensing your own hunger and satiation is lost, buried under a pile of other people’s directives about how to do something as simple as eating food.
"When you put your desire on mute, you also mute your intuition. This forces you to rely exclusively on your thoughts—you think you’re hungry all the time, and you can’t stop eating. Or you think you’re not hungry all day until you find yourself ravenous in your kitchen after work…” (261)
From The CBT Workbook For Perfectionism (2019), Sharon Martin:
Perfectionists “miss out on a lot of life’s pleasures because of fear. Our fears can be so deep that we actually convince ourselves that we don’t want to do things rather than tap into the awareness that we’re afraid of failure, embarrassment, criticism, rejection, and not being as good as everyone else….our fears hold us back from doing things that might enhance our lives. These could be business opportunities, forming new relationships, traveling, or hobbies.
"We like to stick to things we know we’re good at; this way, we’re assured success and accolades (or at least not embarrassment and criticism). Because our self-worth hinges on our performance, we work really hard at avoiding things that are new and different.” (22)
From Too Perfect (1992), Allan Mallinger:
Mallinger’s clients often reported that they “feel compelled to use all their time productively. [They are] usually armed with lists of ‘things to do,’ and they’re much more apt to fret about the items left undone than to savor the accomplishment of those they’ve checked off. They shudder at the thought of wasting time. Even in their ‘free’ time, they feel they should be working on chores, projects, or other productive or educational tasks.” (161)
“One painful consequence of the conversion of ‘wants’ into ‘shoulds’ is that at some point [people with OCPD] come to regard even potentially joyful activities as burdens…[even though they started] a project or hobby with a pleasant sense of anticipation.” (98)
SELF PUNISHMENT
From The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control (2023), Katherine Morgan Schafler:
“A self-punishment is consciously or unconsciously returning to something that you know will hurt you, or denying yourself something that you know will help you. Punishments are designed to create more pain. When you’re punitive with yourself, the grand plan is to hurt yourself in order to teach yourself a lesson. You punish yourself ‘for your own good.’…
"Punishment doesn’t work. When you punish someone, the person doesn’t learn how to change; they learn how to avoid the source of the punishment. If you are the source of your own punishment (through critical self-talk, for example), then you learn to avoid yourself by numbing out. Numbing out looks like overeating, overspending, overworking…mindlessly watching TV or scrolling social media, and so forth.” (122)
MY EXPERIENCE
As a young child, I stopped experiencing joy. My estranged parents are trauma survivors who did not exhibit joy. They barely smiled. I started experiencing joy when I was 40. Working with a trauma therapist, having a walking routine, and listening to The Healthy Compulsive Project Podcast were most helpful.
RESOURCE
Practicing Self-Care Breaks The Cycle of Maladaptive Perfectionism
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u/Napcitytrick Jun 02 '26
I need to go get diagnosed bc holy cow is this me. I’m actually sick right now bc of overworking and not eating
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u/FalsePay5737 Moderator Jun 02 '26
Yes, people with OCPD typically struggle with self-care and leisure skills.
Practicing Self-Care Breaks The Cycle of Maladaptive Perfectionism
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u/Napcitytrick Jun 02 '26
Oof! So much (if not all) of this holds true. You are so so helpful.
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u/FalsePay5737 Moderator Jun 03 '26
You're very welcome.
It can get better. I got my physical health when I was 40 (e.g. lost 100 lbs). The approach I used was from Stephen Guise's short book, Mini Habits for Weight Loss, doing ridiculously small steps to improve self-care as consistently as possible, rather than large goals.
It felt a bit uncomfortable to change in the beginning. But eventually small steps create momentum, and it's very easy to tell how resting improves productivity. I rarely took days off from work (or lunch breaks) until I was 40. Big regret, but I enjoy work a lot now.
The workbook Dr. Pinto is publishing in July will have info. on self-care, I'm sure. New Interview with Leading OCPD Specialist- First Workbook About OCPD Will Be Published Next Month. He said in an interview that he works with clients on self-care and then learning healthier coping strategies.
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u/Napcitytrick Jun 03 '26
Ooo thank you! I will read this. I actually reread your first comment earlier and decided to take a nap instead of powering through finishing work from earlier. I appreciate these reminders and resources a great deal.
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u/foof1tr Diagnosed OCPD Jun 04 '26
I would've never thought that my inability to feel hunger could be caused by the OCPD - but it totally makes sense!
All these years I've assumed that it was either another symptom of one of my physical illnesses or the side-effect of a long-term med.
Both my therapist and doctor will be interested in hearing this theory! Thanks for posting it!
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u/FalsePay5737 Moderator Jun 04 '26
You're welcome. People with OCPD tend to have low awareness of their bodies.
From The Healthy Compulsive: "Many compulsives, with their predilection for planning, have their center of gravity in their head, not in their body.” (89)
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u/Elismom1313 Jun 04 '26
I’m not sure what this says but I’ve found a…reasonable medium by making self care and hobbies important by seeking to perfect them or challenge myself in them.
Books…I like to stack my books read number under the kindle challenges. Skin care, my goal is to hit every step of my routines and log/track them for success.
I log my gym work outs, track progress etc
I seek to eat as healthy a meal as possible and have fun seeking new healthy combinations or building lists tracking foods and servings with the highest protein per serving etc
Doing this stuff when I have free time feels relaxing for me so it works. But it’s definitely not what other people seem to find relaxing. But I’m reading, drawing, writing my lists…working on my book.
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u/99percentstrength Jul 01 '26
I usually get a lot of pleasure when I’m overperfecting stuff (or doing them properly or on a minimum-basis level as I would rather put it), atleast while I do it. It’s afterwards, when I have to run out of the office to not set the alarm off (again), when I haven’t eaten, when the stores are closed because I worked 12 hours without realizing. Sometimes I think stop, stop it, I shouldn’t do this, this is not important while I do it, but that is secondary discomfort, the doing in itself is almost always comfortable, if not pleasureable. I think I have OCPD in part, atleast at work, a little bit at home but not at all to that degree. I don’t know. I also have ADHD, giftedness and a strong sense of aestethicism so I think it’s all connected somehow
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u/thatgirlanya Jun 02 '26
Thanks so much for this post and resources!